My husband has turned cold, advise please
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: cambridge
Posts: 5
My husband has turned cold, advise please
We met ten years ago, were best friends for 3 I supported him through a bad breakup when he found his ex on the sofa with their coke dealer,and then we got together,
it hasnt been easy, infact its been really hard, he has two children by two different mums and used drink and weed as his crutch, four years ago I was diagnosed with the big C , he was a rock, he didnt drink as much then, then we got engaged 2 years ago yesterday and married 18 months ago, I have always been in charge, it was my house we moved into as a couple and I like things done properly, excess drinking and smoking weed is ok once in a while but it was getting out of hand, my standards slipped and he would get so nasty, we would have trouble when his children came and it all got silly when social workers told him not to take his son home one weekend as they wanted us to have him,( his mum is drug dependant) he kept taking him home and then finally announced hed had an affair with the boys mum, I kicked him out and made him get his own place, I also said the drink and drugs had to be addressed as I couldnt have him back if not, he started AA and then had a few relapses which he didnt tell me about, One he did tell me as it happened , I had to go and tuck him into bed, and make sure he was aive, he didnt know I had even been there next day,
anyway he started at last as the social worker put him on supervised access at our family home to get very aggressive verbily, he attends AA at least 4 nights a week, takes his children to his parents and has been clean for nearly 7 weeks of both drugs and drink, but he has changed, hes cold, two weeks ago he said he wants a divorce, wants to be friends as I am his best friend in the world and we have years as friends ahead of us, he wants to be on his own . I feel totally heartbroken, he says hes found really good friends at AA and that hes helping people and they are heping him. please help me understand.
it hasnt been easy, infact its been really hard, he has two children by two different mums and used drink and weed as his crutch, four years ago I was diagnosed with the big C , he was a rock, he didnt drink as much then, then we got engaged 2 years ago yesterday and married 18 months ago, I have always been in charge, it was my house we moved into as a couple and I like things done properly, excess drinking and smoking weed is ok once in a while but it was getting out of hand, my standards slipped and he would get so nasty, we would have trouble when his children came and it all got silly when social workers told him not to take his son home one weekend as they wanted us to have him,( his mum is drug dependant) he kept taking him home and then finally announced hed had an affair with the boys mum, I kicked him out and made him get his own place, I also said the drink and drugs had to be addressed as I couldnt have him back if not, he started AA and then had a few relapses which he didnt tell me about, One he did tell me as it happened , I had to go and tuck him into bed, and make sure he was aive, he didnt know I had even been there next day,
anyway he started at last as the social worker put him on supervised access at our family home to get very aggressive verbily, he attends AA at least 4 nights a week, takes his children to his parents and has been clean for nearly 7 weeks of both drugs and drink, but he has changed, hes cold, two weeks ago he said he wants a divorce, wants to be friends as I am his best friend in the world and we have years as friends ahead of us, he wants to be on his own . I feel totally heartbroken, he says hes found really good friends at AA and that hes helping people and they are heping him. please help me understand.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum Redtractor!! 
Early Sobriety can be turmoil, it's fantastic that your husband is putting in the effort required and has been Sober 7 weeks, but it's still early days, the body will go through a lot of adjustments, physically, mentally and emotionally.
I had to learn who I even was again when I first got Sober, as alcohol and drinking was soo entrenched in my life, and had been for years, it took months if not the first year to really discover the path and journey I wanted to follow without alcohol, but at the start all my energy was consumed with basically trying not to drink, I had no time for much else, I went to work, came home and didn't talk to many people and solely focused on the task at hand, it almost became another obsession, but in hindsight it worked.
It is tough though watching in, your husband is going through a lot of changes right now, but support for yourself is important, you'll find loads here on SR!!
Early Sobriety can be turmoil, it's fantastic that your husband is putting in the effort required and has been Sober 7 weeks, but it's still early days, the body will go through a lot of adjustments, physically, mentally and emotionally.
I had to learn who I even was again when I first got Sober, as alcohol and drinking was soo entrenched in my life, and had been for years, it took months if not the first year to really discover the path and journey I wanted to follow without alcohol, but at the start all my energy was consumed with basically trying not to drink, I had no time for much else, I went to work, came home and didn't talk to many people and solely focused on the task at hand, it almost became another obsession, but in hindsight it worked.
It is tough though watching in, your husband is going through a lot of changes right now, but support for yourself is important, you'll find loads here on SR!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 166
Just as he is getting help there is help for you. The things you are sharing is very common and you are not alone. ALANON is a group for support of spouses, friends, or children of users to help cope with their own struggles. It is completely understandable for you to feel this fear and confusion. I really cant say what to do about your specific situation but you should definitely get some help for yourself. Therapist or free support groups could be a good option. In the states, most counties has a Community Service Board (CSB) that aids in lots of support programs for all kinds of issues, all for free. I hope he is successful in his attempt at recovery but you are important too. Get some support, even if its just friends or a religious leader, you need to talk about this stuff with someone. Plus you are always welcome here. Sending you love.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: cambridge
Posts: 5
Thankyou so much, I am attending Alanon and intend to do the steps, I just feel that my marriage has been lost,I am beside myself , I love my husband soooo much, all I can do is stand and let go let God and hope he decides that we should be together again one day. thankyou
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