graywh1teblue

Well as you guys know, after 28 I relapsed and have been doing pills and heroin for the past 9 days(including half a pill i did this morning). I gave in once again this morning because I woke up to such a deep guilt. Last night I stole a quarter of green from someone very close to me and sold it to a friend to buy more dope. Had a very close call with the cops...and I wasted another night chasing a high that will never be enough. I am so ashamed of myself. Even in the valley of a full blown heroin addiction I never stole so much more than a few dollars that were lying around. When I was getting sober I almost felt like I lost a part of myself...like trying to find out who I really am now...but damn, maybe this is who I am. A liar and a thief.

I don't want to place and blame because I made my own choices. But, for those telling me to figure out why I relapsed...well I know exactly what happened. My boyfriend and I quit together and had the same amount of sobriety. I guess we have spent these weeks almost acting as though we are 'normal' and not really talking about it. Well 9 days ago we were smoking our morning cigarette and he said to me "I wonder how high we'd get right now if we did some" and that was it. Here I am 9 days later hating myself for not even putting up a fight. Will I forever be doomed since I'm also living with a recovering addict? He has promised to never ask me again or talk about it unless we are talking about staying away from it..

OfEpiphany

You need to accept the fact that this road of addiction leads people to the same place, and you know when a person becomes a full blown junkie, they act strung out, they steal and use people and lie out the teeth to get what they want. If you let your addiction continue to grow, that is what you will slowly become: a helpless junkie that cares for nothing except drugs, and I know you've seen people like this in your life.


Realize that once you give up drugs for good, you're going to have to buckle down and let the sadness, anger, depression and everything happen. You will have to accept that life will be boring for a while, but it comes down to you:

either let your brain heal and recover, and have your eyes be opened
or continue down the path that will morph you into a zombie addict.

But recovery will be hardest, especially the first year, but it will be worth it, just like everyone says it is, because it is true. You will be bored, sad, depressed, and will have anxiety attacks, but remember, all of these things are moments of your physical brain healing in small increments. Months down the road, many months of sobriety, you will wake up one day and can't believe how brainwashed you were from the addiction.

But look, you were sober for a month, if you relapse, you need to keep fighting and try your hardest every single time. It gets wearisome, but it's better to be sober 10 months out of 12 through continual effort, as opposed to chasing the high and not trying at all 12 out of 12 months.

JD

You aren't necessarily forever doomed. But I believe you each need to tackle sobriety for and by yourself. That doesn't mean you can't live together, although that can make it more difficult, but don't tie your sobriety to his. If you tie them together if one falls the other often does. Do it for yourself.

PurpleKnight

For me it was all about changing up my plan if the plan wasn't working, and that included distance from people, activities, and whatever it took.

Do you have enough support? In isolation and around people who drank, I'd continually fall back into old ways, instead we need people around us to reach out to and keep us focused on the task at hand, but support is only useful if we use it.

The other reality to accept is that your Sobriety is not and should not be dependent on anyone else's, you need to be prepared that you need to stick to the plan regardless of what happens with your boyfriend, what if he doesn't make it? what if he doesn't get Sober? this is not a joint or collaborative venture, it's a solo journey and project in your own life.

You can do this, put your Sobriety first, take the necessary steps to make it happen, you can do this!!

Soberwolf

A great tip & tool is reaching out having a plan is essential learn from this

mejorando

It can be so incredibly hard to change your circumstances and the people around you, but the people you are with are always igniting certain attitudes around them, and they're contagious, for better or worse.

I've been there, and I thought it was impossible and hopeless--but that couldn't be further from the truth!

Thank you for posting.

FreeOwl

You're not a liar and a theif... you're an addict.

Get help and make a choice to change that and I guarantee lying and stealing will fade from yourban character and you'll discover the good and honest being you really are.

Dee74

I don;t think you're doomed but living with another addict presents it's own challenges.

You need to make it 'your recovery' not 'our recovery' I think - thats the only way I know for anyone to get sober and stays that way.

Do you have support outside of SR?

D

warrens

You may wish to surround yourself with those who have a vested interst in your long term sobriety. People who are still using, or dream of using, have a vested interest in you affirming THEIR disease. Our sobriety threatens their ego. Just sayin'...