Unexpected outcome
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Omaha, Nebraska
Posts: 196
Unexpected outcome
So I was a heavy drinker for the last 30 years and for all practical purposes a daily drinker for the last 15. My last drink was on Super Bowl Sunday last February. I had tried to stop many times and had limited success here but couldn't make is stick. I finally had a defining moment that I will save for another post, but over 10 months sober and feeling physically good but bored. That's not my problem today.
My wife of 26 years is very physically active and likes to socialize. Two years ago she was ready to call it quits and move on. I think she likes the sober me, but she is frustrated that I decline her invitations to do things with her and her friends. For example; tonight she informed me that her bicycling friends are all doing a pub crawl tomorrow night and asked me if I wanted to go. I said no and she laughed out loud. Then she said, "I don't know why I find that so funny." This last weekend her associates went to a bar for their Christmas party and she seemed amused that I did not want to attend that either.
I have accompanied her on a few occasions to these types of events over the last couple of months, including parties and pub visits. She has a great time and I'm bored to tears drinking soda. This weekend when I turned down her invitation to go to the Christmas party she asked me why I didn't want to do things with her. I told her that bars are not fun for me anymore and that I like spending time with her but that is not the right venue for me. She saw the logic but none the less I sit here wondering WTF is going on.
Two years ago I felt like my drinking was going to force her hand into divorce, now I fear being sober will ultimately take us to the same place. Her usual response to my stating that I don't want to frequent areas where drinking is the center of activity she replies, "You don't have to drink." I'm not tempted to drink in these situations. For whatever reason I don't seem to react that way now in that environment. I'm just bored.
Anyway, I don't expect anyone to solve my problems but I just wanted to vent my frustration.
My wife of 26 years is very physically active and likes to socialize. Two years ago she was ready to call it quits and move on. I think she likes the sober me, but she is frustrated that I decline her invitations to do things with her and her friends. For example; tonight she informed me that her bicycling friends are all doing a pub crawl tomorrow night and asked me if I wanted to go. I said no and she laughed out loud. Then she said, "I don't know why I find that so funny." This last weekend her associates went to a bar for their Christmas party and she seemed amused that I did not want to attend that either.
I have accompanied her on a few occasions to these types of events over the last couple of months, including parties and pub visits. She has a great time and I'm bored to tears drinking soda. This weekend when I turned down her invitation to go to the Christmas party she asked me why I didn't want to do things with her. I told her that bars are not fun for me anymore and that I like spending time with her but that is not the right venue for me. She saw the logic but none the less I sit here wondering WTF is going on.
Two years ago I felt like my drinking was going to force her hand into divorce, now I fear being sober will ultimately take us to the same place. Her usual response to my stating that I don't want to frequent areas where drinking is the center of activity she replies, "You don't have to drink." I'm not tempted to drink in these situations. For whatever reason I don't seem to react that way now in that environment. I'm just bored.
Anyway, I don't expect anyone to solve my problems but I just wanted to vent my frustration.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
I don't blame you for feeling bored. Alcohol-related activities bore me too.
Is counseling a possibility for the two of you? Might help to get you both on the same page.
Congrats on ten months sober.
Is counseling a possibility for the two of you? Might help to get you both on the same page.
Congrats on ten months sober.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
Sounds like a very difficult situation. Time will definitely help, and so would counseling if you haven't tried that....
Totally fine for you to draw boundaries - a pub crawl seems ridiculous for a nondrinker - but maybe you could go as her date to a holiday party and stay for some cake or holiday songs? A new sober life will mean a new relationship for you and it's natural that it will take time for you both to adjust.
Totally fine for you to draw boundaries - a pub crawl seems ridiculous for a nondrinker - but maybe you could go as her date to a holiday party and stay for some cake or holiday songs? A new sober life will mean a new relationship for you and it's natural that it will take time for you both to adjust.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
This is what I have found as an AA recovered alcoholic:
"Why sit with a long face in places where there is drinking, sighing about the good old days. If it is a happy occasion, try to increase the pleasure of those there; if a business occasion, go and attend to your business enthusiastically. If you are with a person who wants to eat in a bar, by all means go along. Let your friends know they are not to change their habits on your account. At a proper time and place explain to all your friends why alcohol disagrees with you. If you do this thoroughly, few people will ask you to drink. While you were drinking, you were withdrawing from life little by little. Now you are getting back into the social life of this world. Don't start to withdraw again just because your friends drink liquor."
"Why sit with a long face in places where there is drinking, sighing about the good old days. If it is a happy occasion, try to increase the pleasure of those there; if a business occasion, go and attend to your business enthusiastically. If you are with a person who wants to eat in a bar, by all means go along. Let your friends know they are not to change their habits on your account. At a proper time and place explain to all your friends why alcohol disagrees with you. If you do this thoroughly, few people will ask you to drink. While you were drinking, you were withdrawing from life little by little. Now you are getting back into the social life of this world. Don't start to withdraw again just because your friends drink liquor."
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 387
Congrats on 10 months! Why not take the lead and try to come up with ideas that you might both like? I haven't managed more than a few days to a few weeks of sobriety at a time, but after advice from SR I sat my wife down, we had a long talk, and this led to a resolution. As long as we spend a minimal amount of quality time together then she is fine going out with her friends alone.
KP
KP
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Earth
Posts: 607
I get it. I feel the same way and the wife doesn't get it. These social drinking occasions can be a drag especially as with each hour the conversations get more repetitive and 20 decibels louder. Not judging but I'm just done with it.
Won't try to tell you how to solve the marital problems. You can't tell someone to change because you have. Guess finding some common ground would be a start. All I know is drinking won't solve anything. Spent more than 3/4 of my life proving that.
Great job on 10 months of freedom!
Won't try to tell you how to solve the marital problems. You can't tell someone to change because you have. Guess finding some common ground would be a start. All I know is drinking won't solve anything. Spent more than 3/4 of my life proving that.
Great job on 10 months of freedom!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
I second the suggestion for counseling, Dirk. It has to be frustrating! On the one hand your drinking was so bad that she was ready to leave, but on the other hand she doesn't grasp why you can't go to bars!
Sadly, most "normies" just don't understand what it's like to struggle with the Beast/AV. If you had a deadly allergy to bees she wouldn't keep asking you to go help her work as a beekeeper, right?
Without some kind of 3rd party mediation I suspect she can never understand what you're going through.
Sadly, most "normies" just don't understand what it's like to struggle with the Beast/AV. If you had a deadly allergy to bees she wouldn't keep asking you to go help her work as a beekeeper, right?Without some kind of 3rd party mediation I suspect she can never understand what you're going through.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Anchorage Alaska
Posts: 39
I can relate to this. I've turned down going with my wife to a few drinking occasions with her friends this year for the same reasons you have. The last one she came home and broke down crying that I didn't go. That everyone else's significant other had attended. It made me feel terrible. I explained why I don't like going, that I didn't feel comfortable. Well I didn't want her to be upset again so I do my best to be there when she wants me to. Not everything we do in a relationship is easy or benefits both people the same but I love her and try to be happy that she wants me around. In fact I've really grown socially from when I first quit drinking 10 months ago so I think it's benefitted me as well. Hope you two can work this out.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 507
The whole question of how to build a new social life post-drinking is a big one, that's for sure. Understandably, for many people who abused alcohol in pubs/bars for years, the idea of going back to those same places and not drinking isn't too appealing. And for some it's positively dangerous to their sobriety to put themselves back in those situations.
For me, personally, though, I take it on a case by case basis. There was a group of Dads who would meet in a pub once a week to exchange war stories of life with kids, crack jokes, talk about sports, just generally let off steam. I took a break from that for a few months, but have started going again. And find I enjoy myself just as much, if not more than I used to. I realised a couple of them didn't actually drink as much as I thought they did (assumed everyone tried to cram as many pints in as possible like I did). But when the guy who organises it, who is a heavy drinker, arranged for a pub crawl in a different town, I gave it a miss.
So for me, it's all about what the central activity is. If it's just about meeting up with friends, then meeting in a pub is as good a place as any and I'm fine with that. There's alcohol pretty much everywhere that adults like to meet up at, and I don't want to shut myself off from the world. Sure, some will drink too much and get loud and boring, but I'm finding that many, if not most, "normal" drinkers don't get like that. There's a reason people like me end up on forums like this, it's because we were the exception.
But I will pass on situations that are all about the booze. And of course many of us surrounded ourselves with heavy drinkers like ourselves, so that rules out a big chunk of our old social life.
Not sure what my conclusions here are, other than to say I think there might be room for some compromise regarding how couples spend time together. Take turns choosing what to do together. Try to make the most of whatever situation you're in and seek out the other people who aren't drinking (there will be someone else at least, I'm sure) or who don't drink much. Perhaps with a veto over things like pub crawls where the focus is more on the drinking than socialising.
This is assuming you've reached the point in your sobriety where you can handle being in an environment where drinking is going on without fear of relapse. And some people never do, it's very much a personal thing. You have every right to put your continued sobriety first.
For me, personally, though, I take it on a case by case basis. There was a group of Dads who would meet in a pub once a week to exchange war stories of life with kids, crack jokes, talk about sports, just generally let off steam. I took a break from that for a few months, but have started going again. And find I enjoy myself just as much, if not more than I used to. I realised a couple of them didn't actually drink as much as I thought they did (assumed everyone tried to cram as many pints in as possible like I did). But when the guy who organises it, who is a heavy drinker, arranged for a pub crawl in a different town, I gave it a miss.
So for me, it's all about what the central activity is. If it's just about meeting up with friends, then meeting in a pub is as good a place as any and I'm fine with that. There's alcohol pretty much everywhere that adults like to meet up at, and I don't want to shut myself off from the world. Sure, some will drink too much and get loud and boring, but I'm finding that many, if not most, "normal" drinkers don't get like that. There's a reason people like me end up on forums like this, it's because we were the exception.
But I will pass on situations that are all about the booze. And of course many of us surrounded ourselves with heavy drinkers like ourselves, so that rules out a big chunk of our old social life.
Not sure what my conclusions here are, other than to say I think there might be room for some compromise regarding how couples spend time together. Take turns choosing what to do together. Try to make the most of whatever situation you're in and seek out the other people who aren't drinking (there will be someone else at least, I'm sure) or who don't drink much. Perhaps with a veto over things like pub crawls where the focus is more on the drinking than socialising.
This is assuming you've reached the point in your sobriety where you can handle being in an environment where drinking is going on without fear of relapse. And some people never do, it's very much a personal thing. You have every right to put your continued sobriety first.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 701
Talk to your wife openly and honestly, and try counseling. If she was on the verge of leaving a couple of years ago, she may have deeper, unresolved issues with you that didn't just disappear once you stopped drinking. Many of us think that once we stop drinking, everything will just fall into place. That of course doesn't happen, we have to work on ourselves. Same thing with a marriage.
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