Advice- Cancel Holiday trip?
 

Hi everyone! I would appreciate feedback. I have been dreading the annual Christmas trip. I have not missed one ever due to guilt, even though I am middle aged and have to fly there, take time off, etc. Every year I wish I could spend a Christmas elsewhere to be honest. I get very depressed while there.

I am early days and have been fantasizing about drinking during the visit. My mother is elderly and would be devastated if I cancelled. For reasons I won't go into..no one in my very small family know of my drinking, and it would not help me at all to tell them.

I'm undecided whether to go, and hope I can use my tools to remain sober?
Or cancel my trip and upset my mom? Btw, I just visited about 6 weeks ago.

All advice welcome, thanks!

From what you write there Sadie I cannot see even one reason why you SHOULD take this trip.

1. you only go out of guilt
2. you wish you could spend the time somewhere else
3. you are already fantasizing about drinking while you are there
4. you recently visited your mother already

The fact that you are here asking us makes it pretty clear to me that not going would be the best decision, but we cannot make that for you. Would your mother be upset? Perhaps, but i'm sure there's plenty of other things in her life that upset her too, and frankly that's her problem not yours. Your sobriety is important to you - and if you cannot be honest with them and tell them why you aren't coming, then just tell them you aren't coming. They will get over it.

If it's the pressure of all those people, and it being the holidays, rather than visiting your mother that's the problem, then perhaps you could apologise profusely to her that you can't make it and promise an extra visit sometime when she might otherwise be on her own. She'll have others around at the holidays to keep her company.

Years ago I made the decision to stop going home for Christmas and start a new holiday tradition with my family in the country I now live in. We have a lot of Skype video chats over the holidays, and we visit in the Summer instead, when it's cheaper, the kids are out of school, and there's a lot more to do. It was weird at first, but it was the right decision. In your case you do sound you have even more reasons why not going back makes the most sense.

Whatever you decide, I hope you'll hang tight to your sobriety. Early days is the hardest time, but it's very, very worth it.

I agree with Scott's comments. There is no reason to go. I have found that, in recovery, I don't do things that I dread. That was the old me.

Hi Sadie,
I'm sorry you are in such a tough position. I would do what is best for YOU! I have become very selfish, when it comes to my recovery. I have to be true to myself... Best Wishes!

I've discovered that if I'm doing things out of guilt, I shouldn't be doing them.

sadie, if you reread what ya typed a few times, i think the solution will get from your head to your heart.

This is good advice Sadie x

Sounds to me you already know what a good decision for you would be sadie :)

D

Great advice above, Sadie, from some of SR's very best.

A visit with your Mom during a less hectic time sounds like the best plan.

Seems like you have already answered your own question.

I wonder how your mother would take it if you explained your truth... told her that you have chosen sobriety and that in order to honor that choice you need to skip the trip this year. I wonder how your mother would value perhaps having a visit from you another time of year, just one-on-one where you could spend quality time with her. I wonder how much healthier an alternate path that explored these options would be for you and what positive outcomes may result?