It's another day one. I haven't called anyone from AA yet
 

So last night I went to the pub at about six o'clock and stayed there till half ten. I made some friends and joined a team for a music quiz. I drank about five pints and didn't eat.

The thing is I was going to go to AA but the usual meeting was cancelled because it's Christmas. I know that's an excuse.

Anyway, I did text a few AA friends to say I was feeling shaky yesterday but so far I haven't told anyone I've drunk. It was my first drink in about a month.

Well next time give someone a call! Those AAers would love to help you out in your time of need. You need to decide for yourself if you are really done with alcohol. For me I had to get HONEST with myself and SURRENDER. Alcoholics can only drink one way...uncontrollably. I cannot moderate so what's the point in drinking if I'm going to drink til I make a fool of myself and pass out. I knew that if I picked up that drink I was going to lose once again because I am an alcoholic. Us alcoholics cannot take a drink without craving more. There is no one drink with us. Lastly I had to ACCEPT that I was an alcoholic and now I could begin to live in the solution, and not the problem. It all begins with that first step then you can begin your journey toward a new and wonderful life. Us alkies are different than the average drinker...some people can have a few drinks on a Saturday night. Not me. That Saturday night might turn into the rest of my life.

So what's your plan for today?

I didn't find my experience to always be like SoberLife90 describes. I was able to have moderate amounts sometimes, like that five pints endlesspatience had last night. The problem is that s o m e t i me s I could do that, and that led me to many years of binge/moderate/binge/moderate. I think there are different trajectories and different levels of obsession/craving for different people - and even at different times. Many, many times I could have one or two and call it a day. Just as often I couldn't, and therein lies the rub.

Endlesspatience, if you have found yourself here and at AA meetings, you must think you have a problem. Don't be fooled by your ability to have five. (ha ha, like "five" is some kind of accomplishment, listen to me, will ya? Most people don't have five in any given week.)

Be careful. I hope you can get back to abstinence, with or without AA. Abstinence is so much easier than the back and forth and the fear of what crazy thing might happen - again.

I agree - the issue is its unpredictable. Sometimes I would only have 3 sometimes a bottle - sometimes more. I think the point was I was never really "in control" of it - more it controlled me.

If you tell anyone or not that's your business. It kind of sounds like you want to but I know the shame you might feel sucks. What is more important than what you did yesterday is what you will do today. Like some others have said. I say start new again, don't look at this as a fail but part of the path. Your here so I believe you want to get sober. Just don't give up. Keep trying. Send you strength.

Congrats on making a day 1 EP learn from this if you ever feel like this reach out reach out & reach out again drinking is a dead end road

I think the fact the meeting was cancelled is really an excuse and there a long list of excuses if you want to drink. Maybe having a back-up plan in place would have been helpful so if the meeting is cancelled you could check in here or do something positive.

Thanks. Some helpful comments here. So I went to an AA meeting this evening and in fact it was a Step Meeting so we read the 12 and 12. I just listened. A few of my friends were there.

I think if I'm honest the best new year's plan I can make is actually to work the steps. I've been saying I'm doing them but I'm not really taking them seriously.

That would probably explain why despite regular meetings and coming here, I still drank about 12 times in 2105. Biminiblue is spot on - my ability to moderate sometimes suggests I don't have a terrible problem. But abstinence is so much better for me, really.

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.
Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program..
.... but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it-then you are ready to take certain steps.

Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

Half measures availed us nothing.

going to meetings and not drinking doesnt treat alcoholism

I think you may have hit the proverbial "nail on the head" there. Now you just need to make it happen.

.

Sometimes I could drink and stop.
Eventually I lost that ability, but for many years it was the case that sometimes I could do that.

There were many other times I couldn't control it - even when I had very good reasons to do just that....

but man did I cling those those times I controlled it - that was 'proof' to me that moderate drinking was an option for me.

Nonsense.

The bottom line is I had a terrible problem that wrecked me for decades- trying to kid myself my problems were not that bad did me no favours EP cos it led me back time & again to the pub and 5, 10, 15 pints....

So the more I think this over, the more I realise that although I've made a lot of progress, I'm still not really accepting that first step that I'm powerless over alcohol. And the reason I keep my sponsor at arm's length over the step work is because I don't really want to stop the booze, or at least a part of me doesn't. Otherwise, why would I do this relapsing once a month and then try to pretend it hasn't happened or it doesn't matter?

I am quite certain the best next "step" at this point is to go to a meeting and share this situation. I have some meetings lined up already. Fortunately my family is very supportive and I don't expect to be faced with any drinking situations over the Christmas break.

Endless, I thought I "got it" when I started here but at long last figured out that this was truly life or death for me. For a long time I had some kind of internal disconnect between what my mind knew I needed to do and what I was actually willing to do. Somehow I thought that once I truly "made up my mind" that I could simply do it. Maybe some people can. I couldn't. When I finally went to IOP, my resolve got stronger as I stayed sober longer (the old chicken-and-egg thing). So for me, putting myself in a situation where I absolutely didn't feel I could drink (I was told that I probably needed inpatient rehab) was enough to get me past the early months.

Your thoughts about working the steps may well be something similar - a goal to hang onto to both get you through the early months and also an aid in helping you internalize the messages about alcoholism.

I wish you long life and happiness!

Thanks, Saskia. That's helpful.

I'm the same, I'm not as bad as a lot of alkies, ie I didn't drink huge amounts like some all the time, and I didn't suffer too badly when I stopped. But those 12 times you drank in 2015 are a sure sign that it's just as much a problem, we just drank in a slightly different way.

Abstinence is definitely best for people like us.