livinginhope

We know better. Most of us do, anyway. Yet we go back to our old ways. Ways that brought us nothing but profound unhappiness and problems.

I went seven months. No record among the recovered, but it was for me. I felt pretty good. Not great, but not bad.

A big event was coming up in July. I went every year, and the people I see there are among the only real family I have. Quite a bit of drinking goes on. I was in agony. Drink? Stay sober? Stay home? I couldn't do the latter, or felt that I couldn't, because it was partially business.

I went, and I drank. No huge deal. I didn't over do it, I didn't spend all my money, I had a great time. Felt like crapola for a few days, but back to business.

I went a month or two, and I was delving into the world of online dating. I met a woman, and things got crazy very quickly. She was throwing herself at me, and talking about marriage after two dates. I texted her and said that it was not working. She freaked, looked me up on Facebook and contacted my friends, called the cops and said that I had been kidnapped, and generally made my life a nightmare for a few days. I holed up in my room and drank one night.

Back to business. Only a friend called a couple of weeks later, and asked me to come over. Another old buddy was there, and they had some killer weed. I went, thinking of the great old times.

Only it wasn't great. One guy was stoned out of his mind and was staring at the wall all night. The other was paranoid and acting all weird. I was stuck there, because I was not about to drive home after drinking.

More time passed. Halloween arrived. My favorite holiday. I went to a party. got drunk. Just one more time, right?

Ugh. Drank again at home the next night. And the next. And so on.

Tonight I am three weeks sober. AGAIN, I went through the agony of recovery. It was worse than ever this time. Even after most of a year of sobriety.

The worst of the withdrawal is behind me. I'm not exactly happy, but I am better than I was when I was drinking again.

When will I learn? When will I get it through my hard head that drinking DOES NOT WORK for me? I've been through this more times than I care to think about. The results are always the same. Anxiety, depression, acute discomfort, dizziness, nausea,

I've tried AA numerous times, and it was not for me. In fact, all the stories at the meetings made me want to drink more.

It gets really depressing. No social life, AA makes me even more miserable, can't drink,

So I read a lot. I'm a writer, though my columns have been angry these past couple of weeks. I exercise, I hike, I piddle around the house.

I don't see me going to any Christmas parties. It's a hard time of the year.

But, hey, one day at a time, right? It gets better, and I have three weeks behind me.

least

Congrats on three weeks sober! And yes, it gets better.

livinginhope

Better sounds really good right now. No choice but to carry on, right?

Weasel1966

Three weeks behind and a whole life ahead.

Try separating yourself from the drinking you. I use AVRT and I have to say it's a natural way to think. For me anyway.

I grew up with that voice telling me that I was worthless. Really that was a step parent gone bad but that inner voice seemed real.

I have since learned to hear it in many ways. Drinking. Drugs. So on and so on and... Well you get the idea.

When you hear that voice... Picture it locked up in a box. Close every possible air hole. Give it none of your energy. That works for me. Simple as it seems it does give my power back to me.

Welcome to SR.

Ken

SoberLeigh

Welcome back, livinginhope. Congratulations on three weeks of sobriety.

It does get better with time and effort.

Do you have a plan to avoid the triggering situations and thoughts?

livinginhope

Thank you, Ken. I know all-too-well about the feelings of worthlessness. I was never good enough for my father, and he berated me every single day of my childhood. I went into adulthood feeling unworthy of everything.

It took me a long time to figure it out. The reasons why I was hiding in an alcoholic haze. For me that was the first step to real recovery.

livinginhope

Mainly staying away from the people who use drugs and alcohol. Keeping as busy as possible. Holding on with all my might to the memories of how bad last week was. My supervisor was getting disgusted with me, because my short term memory was so poor.

Weasel1966

Similar here. Step father tore me down. Now at age 50 things are turning around.

You write beautifully. Continue to share here and say the words that free you.



Ken

Anna

You can do this. Many of us, me included, grew up being told endlessly that we were no good. Recognize that voice that jumps into your head and then let it go. It's not you, it's not about you.

I think having a plan that works for you is the best thing you can do. You know there will always be issues that come along but you can plan ahead as to how you deal with these kinds of things. If you 'think' you need to go a business party, do you really? Does your job depend on it? Did you know your friends had killer weed when they called you to come over or did you suspect they would? Then, don't go, not yet. Give yourself some months to feel stable before venturing out there. The same situation with girlfriends - are you ready for whatever might come along such as a crazy woman? If not, why not wait a bit longer before getting involved?

livinginhope

I knew about the weed and I went with the full intent to indulge. Temporary madness.

Dating is probably a no-no for now. I didn't know that the woman would obsess so quickly, and I cut it off as soon as it became evident. I wasn't even intimate with her. I am *very* careful about that sort of thing.

As for the business meeting, it was a writer's conference, and many of the people there are the ones I love most in all the world. I go to promote my work. It's a very difficult thing. I miss them all so much throughout the year.

There's nothing easy about this, that's for sure.

kittycat3

I could have written this same post, with a few details changed. I definitely planned my slips. I am on day 2 after my last one and sick of the cycle. Thank goodness this last drunk wasn't terrible (I was tipsy but not wasted) but my hangover has been in the form of sadness and anxiety. For 2 days straight and who knows how much longer - at least work will force me out of bed tomorrow.
I want to be sober and I thank you for helping me feel less alone in this.

Soberwolf

What Anna said, welcome back & congrats on 3 weeks sober

livinginhope

That's me. Not so much a brutal hangover, but anxiety and depression. It doesn't help that it's Christmas and it seemed like everyone was going to parties last night.

Thank you, Kitty, for replying and for your candor.

awuh1

I went, and I drank. No huge deal.

This was the first mistake. In equal parts by drinking as by thinking it was no big deal. Just my opinion.

When I first went to AA I found that meetings did not keep me sober either, but meetings are not the suggested way to stay sober according to AA. I had to do more.

AVRT might work for you. I'd give it a try.

Sorry to hear about your fathers treatment of you. He does not define you.

livinginhope

Oh yeah, I know that now. Hence my being here and my regretful posts.

Pondlady

I think holidays are hard for many of us, especially in early sobriety. Sounds like you are aware of your triggers, so think situations through.

Changing the little voice inside our heads, is hard work. I practice meditation to slow it down and make it positive.

kittycat3

Agreed, the holidays can be brutal! I'm actually looking forward to the rest of it, but last week was tough. 2 holiday parties that my AV told me I couldn't get through without booze.

I'm so glad that I'm here to get this right yet.....I keep plugging along even if it's the hardest thing ever just to get out of bed....

livinginhope

Last week I went to the company Christmas party. My first, as I've been there less than a year. The party was to go on from 6-10. I figured I'd show up, eat, pay some respects, and leave. Little did I know that the first hour was for cocktails. Dinner was supposed to be at 7:00. I grimly sat there, drinking ice water, while people kept asking me if I wanted a drink. "Just one won't hurt ya!", "C"mon, it's Christmas!". They were still drinking at 7:30, and no food yet. I said that I had to go. "But the food is coming soon!". "You can't go!". But I did.

I wasn't tempted at all, but it still sucked. That was our Christmas present/bonus: booze and food. I got neither.

Dee74

No one wants to be different.

No one wants to have to change their life.

Everyone wants to be that 'normal' drinker who seems to drink their fill, be satisfied, and have no ill effects.

That's some powerful wanting and wishing there....and if we haven't accepted the need for abstinence on a fundamental level, I think it's easy to make that split second decision 'ah, one won't hurt me'

The trouble is, of course, that it absolutely does.

I'm glad you're back livinginhope

D