sourbaby1986

I work in a drinking culture. I also don't appear to have a problem.

It will definitely be noticed if I don't drink.

What do you guys say to people at these events where they can obviously hear what you're ordering, and ask why you aren't drinking?

I'm not about to go telling everyone I have a problem.

least

Just say, I'm not drinking today. And if they're nosey and ask why, just repeat, because I'm not.

sourbaby1986

Yeah...that's hard for me. I don't want to be a bitch, or standoffish. I like people and I don't want to feel separate from them. It makes me lonely and that's the biggest predictor of me to need to drink or use.

Soberwolf

How is not drinking separating ? just say I'm not drinking what's the big deal ppl don't notice at all and if they do just say your not drinking you won't sound like a bitch youl sound like someone who don't want to drink

Carlotta

Most people don't care whether you drink or not. Those who do either have an agenda or have an alcohol problem of their own.
You might want to read MIR's excellent post about the subject
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...i-have-do.html

biminiblue

No one is going to lose any sleep over your sobriety. Honest

OpenTuning

I just came back from a Christmas gathering and was chatting to someone who'd just arrived. The host came over and asked if he could get him a beer. "No thanks, just a soft drink would be great". The host went off and got him a soft drink and we carried on chatting about music.

Not a very interesting anecdote, but that's the point. Very few people care whether or not you drink.

But yes, some people do push for an answer (I think that's rude, but hey, they're often drunk so what can you expect). In which case it's worth having something simple up your sleeve. Like "I just got bored of it". Not a lot people can say to that. Save the real, deep conversations for close friends or family who you are looking for support from.

ScottFromWI

Lots of good advice here sourbaby. As you get sober time under your belt you will notice that most people really don't care if you are drinking or not. Most don't even notice one way or the other.

As alcoholics WE obsess over what we think people might say, but it's just a trick your addiction plays to keep you drinking . Other people simply don't think about it for the most part.

The one exception would of course be if you decided to hang out in a situation where drinking was the only purpose...like hanging out in a bar for example. But then again, there's really no reason to be in a bar...especially in early sobriety, right ?

dcg

For the same reason people will let you drink destructively is the same reason people won't hassle you about not drinking: no one actually cares that much about what you do.

kellyrally

Hey sourbaby, I'm new to this sobriety thing aswell and I definitely don't feel the need to tell people I have a problem - it's not their business. So far I'm taking the "i want to be healthier" approach which is not a lie! I run so I can always say I want to improve my running etc - how can people argue with healthy choices? Good luck with your decision to quit - go gently X

Dee74

I live in Australia - that's pretty much drinking central.

9 times out of ten all I need to say is 'no thanks, but I'll have a soda if you've got one'.

We think so much about drinking we assume everyone else does too, but that's just not true.

What I drink or don't drink simply isn't important to the great majority

If pressed for more, I might say I gave it up

*for my health
*too expensive
*got bored with it
*don't feel like it
*grew the hell up

all true.

that last one has a bit of an edge to it, so use sparingly

D

Berrybean

Why do you care what they think about your drinking? Honestly, would you have cared about why one of them wasn't drinking? When I was drinking myself I would have been curious (in a nosey way) but not have cared as such. And then I'd have forgotten about it a few minutes later.

What's your usual tipple? I used to drink whisky and coke or cider, so if I stuck with coke then people wouldn't know unless they were at the bar with me when I ordered so that kept some of the questions to a minimum. In the early days I would just say "I already had enough" or I'm having a break from it" or "I have to drink early tomorrow" and left it vague. If you're a women, a lot of the time that question means "Are you pregnant?" The rest of the time the person asking really doesn't care anyway.

If they're even half way reasonable, as long as you don't seem to care, then they won't care either. If they're unreasonable about it, then they're unreasonable. Their problem, not yours. I found it incredibly difficult to even understand how anyone could honestly say "What you think about me is none of my business" but eventually I got to the stage where I can say that and mean it. I'm even going to say it for you. "What they think about you is none of your business." Just go along for a bit, have a giggle at some of the drunken escapades; marvel at how those usually riveting drunk conversations are actually REALLY boring when you are capable of listening and thinking properly, and above all - have an escape strategy up your sleeve. Even if it's only a half hour respite. You may end up not needing it, but it's always a comfort to have one.

sourbaby1986

Thanks all.

But I honestly DID/DO care if someone else is or is not drinking. Drinking is how I bond with people. If you're not drinking how are we going to have deep conversations? If we don't go to the after party together, how are we really going to be connected like besties?

So yeah. I'm willing to believe that in time and wth the steps maybe Ivan learn to not care what others think. But today, that seems impossible.

Berrybean

Your AV is telling you it's impossible SB. Of course it's possible, in time, and as you work the steps and experience life without the drink / pills (but while you still take them nothing is likely to change). In the beginning, many take the choice to guard their sobriety by staying away from slippery people and slippery places. And that is bl**dy hard when we've been revolving our entire lives around those people and places for a long time (in my case, decades) but also possible. Depends how much you want the things in those promises. Like they say - it's simple, but not easy - and nothing changes if nothing changes. At the beginning these things seemed like huge sacrifices to me. Now I wouldn't want them if you paid me to have them. That after-party will lose it's glamour, and you will be capable of REAL bestie relationships, without having to seek out those "I bloody love you I do..." moments with people who don't really give a hoot about you, and you don't about them. Some of them might be stayers - people you can connect to in sobriety - there were 2 of those for me. But then, I find I need less validation from others now that I don't hate myself.

Look at the promises again. What's more important to you. THOSE things, or the after-party and the illusion of friendship?

Definition of glamour in English:
noun
[MASS NOUN]
An attractive or exciting quality that makes certain people or things seem appealing

bigsombrero

If you are ordering your drinks at a cafe, a deli, a sandwich shop, a lunch counter, a breakfast joint....why would anyone notice that you aren't drinking? Just don't hang out at bars and the problem is solved.

You are operating under the assumption that you will be going to bars and ordering coca-colas as a curious mass is looking over your shoulder. We all work in at places where people drink after work, and many of us work in places that have boozy client meetings. We just don't go out after work (at least not in the beginning) and we order water at those meetings. Nobody will say a thing.

This is why it's so important to realize that sobriety isn't about just "not drinking". It's an entire lifestyle makeover. Good luck as you continue on this path, and be prepared to change the way you view your social life. It's pretty good out here away from all that stuff!

Dee74

That's an alcoholics reasoning.

My friends did care what I was drinking sure - cos they were all alcoholics too.

I'm going into my 9th year sober - most of humanity, as I said, doesn't give a toss what I drink.

The truth is I made friends and bonded with people for years before I ever took a drink, and I have again in the years since.

I've also grown more independent - my validation no longer comes from the way other people treat me.

Believe me - you're not the first to think these thoughts - but do you really think everyone who gets sober is friendless, unable to bond with others, and never has deep conversations?

That's just absurd

I don't know about you but I babbled on with a lot of nonsense as a drinker.

I've bonded more meaningfully with people since I stopped drinking.

Maybe it's time to look at your expectations of what drinking does for you and place that against the reality sourbaby?

No one would stay sober if they lost out on the deal - trust me.

You're going to have to have a little faith for a while that I and others here are not giving you the run-around

D

chickippo

i don't have any friends left from my heavy drinking years. this is because they weren't my friends to begin with. those drunken bonding sessions - it's a lie. it's just two drunks talking in turn about themselves, neither listening to the other, just waiting for them to stop talking so they can start.

i still, however, have friends i knew in my 20s. they first knew me as real friends - people to hang out with, go for occasional drinks with, and to support each other. they are delighted that i am sober, and wouldn't dream of commenting on my soft drinks!

i drank for so many years, it became everything about me. i drank to relax, to be confident, to laugh and live it up. except, i always went too far and i missed the part where it went from fun to the worst kind of compulsion.

i am 20 months sober, and this will be my 3rd sober christmas. i will see my family for a couple of hours, delighted that i won't be ruining the holidays for them like i did for so many years.

please understand that you are worth so much more than your propensity to drink to the point where it hurts you. make a change. try it for a while - fake it til you make it. be well.

you deserve sobriety.

OpenTuning

Hi Sourbaby,

I'll be honest with you. I also cared if other people drank. Why? Because I had a problem with alcohol, and without realising I was doing it, every conversation I had with someone about them not drinking was one more step towards my giving it up. At first I was challenging, defensive, particularly if I knew they used to drink the same amount as me, but eventually I began to take it in and really question my own drinking. An industry colleague with 19 years sobriety (I also work in an industry soaked in booze) who I spoke to about it was one of the final nails in the coffin of my drinking.

So as Dee said, people without drinking problems don't really care what you drink. But yes, fellow problem drinkers sometimes do.

The other thing is if you're in one of the creative industries (you mentioned after parties) you're already surrounded by people in recovery. You just haven't noticed yet, because you're currently steering towards the people propping up the open bar. Move deeper into the room and look for the people who appear to have sparkling water or juice in their hands and talk to them instead. You'll have much better, deeper and more meaningful conversations with them than with the fellow drunks you're used to, I guarantee that. It is absolutely 100% your AV feeding you the lie that you have to get plastered to bond with people.

LDT

I'm a musician, so my orbit was that of major drinkers. When I got sober, I eased myself out of that drinking scene ( still playing music ) and found new places, people and things to invest in. It was a little lonely at first..... But now I have a big network of like minded friends..... Which is a good thing because several former friends have since died..... Several have also gotten sober themselves .

No one worth their salt cares if you drink of not. And contrary to what one might think, the best, deepest , and most bonding conversations happen when people are sober.

AnvilheadII

Drinking is how I bond with people

and how is that REALLY working out? it doesn't sound like you feel you really have people in your life that will ACCEPT you are you are whatever your choices are.............