kityluva85

Hey all. I'm newly sober (a little over three weeks) and working diligently toward my recovery. I started going to AA meetings while on a long trip visiting family overseas and found a great group and guide (a "temporary sponsor," if you will) that I absolutely loved. Since I've returned home, I've gone to countless meetings in my area (17 meetings in 12 days); I've gotten several of the books and started reading them (Big Book, Living Sober, 12 Steps/Traditions); every morning, I read the entry from 24 Hours A Day, Daily Reflections, and Keep It Simple; I keep in touch daily with many people I've met along the way in this short period; and the one time I found myself with an urge to drink so far - to relieve some anger and aggression I felt in a work situation - I reached out to my support system, got advice, and went to the gym to run it off, feeling better and shaking the urge to drink. I went to a work holiday party yesterday that served alcohol, my first time being around it since getting sober, and did not feel tempted. I actually left early to make it to a meeting I really wanted to go to. If I say so myself, I'm off to a decent start, traveling somewhat solo for the moment.

As far as sponsorship, I am not against getting a sponsor at all. It has been 22 days for me, and I think I am doing well, and I am doing things in my own time. My "temporary sponsor" from abroad has still been somewhat guiding me from long-distance, so between her and my existing support system, I am far from alone. In the meantime, I've gone to many meetings with the goal of finding the right home group for me, and to eventually find the right sponsor. I feel no need to rush.

On to my issue. I found the perfect group - a women's group that meets once a week and seems very close-knit. They were extremely nice to me and several have reached out to me since I met them last Friday. I went to a different meeting tonight (Thursday) that some of them invited me to, because one of them was the speaker. Both nights (last Friday and this Thursday), several of them adamantly and forcefully urged me to get a sponsor. "Do you have a sponsor yet?" "Why don't you have a sponsor?" "When are you getting a sponsor?" "Are you looking for a sponsor?" "What are you waiting for?" ad nauseum. From several people. And I've been questioned in several meetings, but usually in a good-natured, curious way. Unfortunately, this group takes the cake and takes it way too far, essentially demanding I find a sponsor, like, yesterday. It was a little irritating the first night, but tonight it just really got under my skin and pissed me off.

I saw one woman tonight that I had interacted with at the previous meeting, and I was internally considering her for sponsorship. I wanted to get to know her more and went to speak to her after the meeting (before everyone started questoning me). She immediately steered me to a woman about my age and said "Meet *Amy. She'd be a great sponsor for you!" and walked away, immediately putting me on the spot. "Amy" nodded vigorously, saying "I NEED to sponsor someone!" And thus commenced an awkward conversation with someone I didn't even feel an immediate connection with, who apparently needed to sponsor someone to tick a box on a checklist or something by sponsoring someone. Shortly thereafter, another woman walked up to me, asked if I had a sponsor yet, and started naming all the available people in the room. I sarcastically asked if she was available and she called my bluff and said yes, demanding that I call her tomorrow. Yes, demanding. Like an order.

This is NOT the way I do things. I am laid back and do things in my own time. I do not need to be babysat and pressured into doing things I am not ready for. I understand that their hearts are in the right place and they are trying to be helpful - but it has made me extremely uncomfortable and downright angry. I don't need to feel pressured to do something I am not ready for just because it is the way you did it. I am exploring and learning and meeting people and waiting until I find both the right group and the right person. And I honestly thought this was the right group. I was planning on going to their weekly meeting tomorrow, and next Friday too to get my 30 day chip from them on Christmas day. But now I am not sure if I even want to go back. That strong, forceful approach just does not work for me. For God's sake, it's only been 22 days!

...but I loved this group otherwise. Just not sure what to do. I don't want to offend anyone by saying anything, so I may just back off and call that group a loss, or not show up for awhile until I find *my* sponsor in *my own* time.

Any advice would be appreciated.

PS - Is that pressure to find a sponsor thing normal? Just wondering. Not trying to be a stubborn brat, but I am an adult who has loved the program thus far otherwise, and this has just really turned me off.

PPS - Sorry for the novel. Thanks in advance for your responses.

Meraviglioso

Hi kityluva, ugh, that sounds really frustrating. I would also be very put off by that kind of aggression. I have been attending AA sporadically and I recall the last meeting I went to the topic was how AA is a program of attraction, not promotion. It seems to me that these ladies need to think about that a little bit.
It is a good sign that they are so enthusiastic about the program and willing to share, but I agree, we all need to do things at our own pace. You are already off to an amazing start getting to so many meetings and really jumping into the program. I also think you are incredibly wise to take your time finding a home group and a sponsor, those are important and personal decisions that shouldn't be rushed.
I don't think there is anything wrong in being honest. If you really liked that group it is worth a try to make it work for you. Go back and if you have an opportunity to speak during the meeting you can bring it up, otherwise you can wait until the pressure begins (if it does) and explain yourself. "I really appreciate all of your offers and really like this group. I definitely plan on getting a sponsor and moving forward with the steps. I need to take this decision at my own pace. I have been attending daily meetings for x number of days and feel I am off to a good start. I will find a sponsor and will let you know when I'm ready"
You can then see how they react. Maybe all you have to do is explain yourself and they will back off a bit. It could be that they were just trying to be helpful. If they don't back off then it may not be the right group for you, but at least you tried.

Dee74

Hi and welcome kityluva85

Let me preface my remarks by saying I'm not an AA member - but I've met a lot of them on this board.

For many AA members AA is the 12 steps.

What you might be interpreting as 'aggression' may just be an honest desire to share with you the recovery these AA members have found

Of course, in the end, you're absolutely free to make whatever decisions you like about your own recovery.

I'm glad you've found us

D

endlesspatience

It's interesting what you share here. I am sure there are some people who are needy in AA and want to sponsor people because that gives them validation. But that's not a good reason to choose them. I've had three sponsors in AA over the years and my relationship with each one of them is different. The one I have now is a friend I can turn to when I need to, but certainly not the person who runs my life. I don't think he "needs" me but he does help me and he is my friend.

totfit

The "sponsorship" thing has grown way out of proportion to what it was originally in AA. It "can" be healthy, but it can also be a very "unhealthy" dynamic. Personally, I don't much believe in it and think that finding and unofficial mentor, either in recovery or just someone you respect is a better thing. Then again I have not been to an AA meeting in a few years.

sugarbear1

I wouldn't be alive if I hadn't worked the steps with a sponsor.

My sponsor doesn't run my life, they guide me through the steps and keep me accountable.

I don't attend many meetings. I committed to a specific number of meetings a week and I've kept that commitment for the last 4.5 years and I know my motives for attending meetings.

Dee74

Before things get too far advanced - just a reminder this is the Newcomers forum

Please respect the rights of others to hold beliefs and perspectives, which differ from yours. Our Sober Recovery Forum members are of many nationalities, ages, and cultures. Healthy, vigorous debate will further our goals, but only when guided by the tolerance that springs from mutual embrace of mission.

Dee
Moderator
SR

Bird615

This post caught my attention because I've been experiencing the same sort of thing since I've gone back after 15 years away. I like AA and it saved my life and gave me over 20 years of contented sobriety. I only relapsed because I stopped going and let my sobriety lose its priority in my life.

This time around I've noticed my new home group has a few members that are pretty pushy in a way I hadn't experienced before. While getting a sponsor and doing service work are important elements of AA, I realize they may not be for everyone. I don't have a sponsor and don't know if I'll get one; I haven't met anyone there yet that has what I want. I would lean more towards a mutually supportive friendship personally. Pushing the service work is a turn-off to me also. I've done it and know how rewarding it can be, but if I'm doing it because someones trying to "guilt" me into doing it, that's not doing it out of love or gratitude.

I would suggest that newcomers get a sponsor and tell them that service work is very rewarding for some people and leave it at that. Nagging and trying to make people feel guilty because they're not doing it "my way" helps no one. This is a program of attraction rather than promotion and some members seem to forget that and get a little over-zealous. I admired one woman who replied to a comment that you should never say "no" to AA. She said she does say "no", because she used to be a people-pleaser and is now learning to take care of herself.

That's where I'm at now. I've been around long enough to understand what works for me and what doesn't and that I don't have to blindly follow all suggestions. When I first started, I did, and that's what I needed at the time. Now this time is for me learning to recognize my own strengths and power and see that I can make good decisions for myself. I offer what I can and if I do, it's because I have a desire to do so, and it's coming from a place of love, gratitude and self-care.

I also felt like backing off or switching groups, but this one has a good location and time for me. For now, I've decided to either ignore or avoid the zealots and keep going because there are members there that I really care about and they carry the message in a way that does work for me.

All that being said, you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and are on the right track.

Soberwolf

Welcome KityLuv SR is awesome I love it here a great community

least

Welcome to the family. I'd just answer them with a "thanks, I'll take that under consideration" and leave it at that.

tomsteve

welp, you can either stand up for youself and in one way or another tell em to back off or let them keep doing it.

one thing ya type that caught my attention,though:
This is NOT the way I do things. I am laid back and do things in my own time.


some of us have tried to hold onto our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.


maybe doing things in your own time is one of the actions that got ya to the doors of aa? maybe that needs to change?

Fly N Buy

Welcome to SR , glad your'e here with us

You posted a very well written novel - you must have writing experience!
What an amazing experience to pick up your 30 day chip on Christmas Day - Wow, gives me chills to think about - amazing metaphor.

When the time is right, the teacher for you will appear - it's your journey. Remind well meaning new friends that today you'd like a little breathing room to just take it in, perhaps.

Come the New Year there will be a lot of newcomers and you will start to share your experience of one month, two months etc with them! That's how it works......

peace - keep coming back

greens

When I was in aa I was told that I wouldn't be able to keep my sobriety if I didn't sponsor others so that may be why they are being so pushy about it, step 12 is carrying the message to others so it's considered important to sobreity.

I don't know if you should keep going to this meeting or find another one. If people keep pressuring you let them know you already have a temp sponsor and that you have a new sponsor in mind. It's your program - "to thine own self be true". Your sponsor should be the right match for you, not the first person to offer. Be stern if you have to, it really should be about staying true to yourself. Best of luck, hope it all works out. I don't think I started step work until I was seven months sober- some would say that is waiting too long- I don't agree at all, it was the perfect timing for me.

Saskia

My experience: after several times feeling a little pushed, I simply gave my stock answer that I wasn't ready yet. I ended up really enjoying a specific meeting that I hadn't thought I would and skipped an all women's group. You'll find your way. To me, it was a case of not throwing out the baby with the bath water.

Anna

I'm sorry you're feeling pressured. I am not an AA person, but I don't like the feeling of being pushed into something that I'm not ready for. Hopefully the right sponsor for you will appear when you are ready for her.

LiveInPeace

My experience: I went to meetings weekly for a year, no sponsor, on a pink cloud, and relapsed really badly.

Ten years later, I crawled back to the rooms having hit a worse bottom, got a sponsor who guided me to do the step work out of the big book of alcoholics anonymous.

If I didn't get a sponsor and do the step work, I would have died from untreated alcoholism/addiction which is a disease that tells us all that we don't really have it. It's also a disease that no human, including myself, could cure.

I see now that the people from the first meeting who "pushed" me to get a sponsor and work the steps were just trying to save my life.