Need Help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 4
Need Help
I have been addicted to opioids (oxycodone) & opiates for over two years. Going to rehab is out of the question as it would in all likelihood result in my losing my job. Since I don't want to have my car repossessed and be without health insurance and any income, it just isn't an option. I looked for employment (after being caught up in a mass-layoff from the last decent job I had) and held several jobs briefly, which I really tried to do my best on, but was let go for various reasons (not being a good fit, asking too many questions to make sure I didn't make a mistake, etc.). The job I hold now pays about 2/3 of what I was earning, is tedious, stressful and boring, involves heavy lifting and a lot of bending and repetitive reaching, pulling and pushing (that often causes pain), will NEVER increase my salary, has expensive and high deductible insurance plans only three employees, including me. The latter excludes me from being helped by the American Disabilities Act, as it applies only if the work site has 50 or more employees.
I hesitate to post on here, because I'm concerned about breaking the rules by saying the wrong thing. I am going to make a list of the positive and negative things in my life, but definitely have a tendency to dwell on the negative. I am also dealing with health issues, like arthritis in the knees, neck and back and Barrett's Esophagus (undoubtedly caused by ingesting the pills) and, of course, depression. I take medication for all of these, including a prescription for the oxycodone, which doesn't help my situation. I also have torn cartilage in the left knee plus Achilles Tendinitis, bone spurs and a bunion on the left heel and foot, which does cause me a significant amount of pain. If I were just using what the doctor prescribes me, it wouldn't be as bad, but I have to buy pills or trade my klonopin (which I do not use the whole prescription of) for pills when a friend has them. I have also gained 50 lbs., so I not only feel terrible, but believe myself to look horrible too. I do not have the energy or the impetus to exercise and I compulsively eat all day long, particularly when I'm at work and primarily candy and desserts. In addition, routine and simple chores and tasks are becoming increasingly difficult for me to accomplish. I either forget about them, procrastinate indefinitely and/or become frustrated with/overwhelmed by some or all aspects of what I'm supposed to do and avoid it. I am an extremely tense person who dwells on and worries about problems indefinitely. This is what probably causes me to have no energy and feel fatigued on a continuum, traits that have been inherent for most of my life, even during extended periods of sobriety and before ever using.
I did contact an outpatient recovery center (Rehab After Work) and have an appointment this Saturday (12/19). Hopefully, they can help me, because this addiction is killing me. I know this, but my attempts to detox on my own result in my becoming irritable, having no energy at all (which makes my job impossible) and becoming extremely depressed. I would be so grateful if there was any way that I could go to a rehab. My deductible is paid for the year, I have a decent amount of money in my HSA, short term and long term disability; but my employer's rule codes express that they are a drug free company and can dismiss someone if they are found to be using drugs or alcohol on the job. It also states that, if an employee voluntarily chooses to go to rehab, they can still be subject to dismissal. I am afraid to take that risk, as I am 60 years old and it would be highly unlikely that I could find another job that even paid the $24K yearly ($12.36 hourly/37.5 hour week).
I live with my boyfriend, who has never even smoked pot and have been fairly honest with him all along, but it is difficult for him to understand as he has no experience with any of it. In many ways, he is like Forrest Gump and I am more like Jenny. I am amazed that he puts up with me and still loves me.
Right now, any advice is welcome, as long as it's not judgmental or mean (i.e. "you're just having a pity party"). I am already angry at myself for being stupid enough to let this happen. This time of year, Christmas, is not my favorite time of year, as I view it as stressful, having to spend money I don't have and being bombarded with commercials that are irritating. I have a very hard time making friends. Usually, they are just acquaintances that like me in their lives, because they can take advantage of my kindness and desire to help people. That has been the case for years, even before this addiction became an issue. It is not difficult to sink into depression and believing there is no point to making an effort to do anything, because I'm hopeless. Regardless, I will force myself to go to this appointment on Saturday. I know that, if I don't, I may be self fulfilling the former statement.
Thank you for being here, reading this and (hopefully) not thinking I'm a total loser who the world could do without.
Kathi
I hesitate to post on here, because I'm concerned about breaking the rules by saying the wrong thing. I am going to make a list of the positive and negative things in my life, but definitely have a tendency to dwell on the negative. I am also dealing with health issues, like arthritis in the knees, neck and back and Barrett's Esophagus (undoubtedly caused by ingesting the pills) and, of course, depression. I take medication for all of these, including a prescription for the oxycodone, which doesn't help my situation. I also have torn cartilage in the left knee plus Achilles Tendinitis, bone spurs and a bunion on the left heel and foot, which does cause me a significant amount of pain. If I were just using what the doctor prescribes me, it wouldn't be as bad, but I have to buy pills or trade my klonopin (which I do not use the whole prescription of) for pills when a friend has them. I have also gained 50 lbs., so I not only feel terrible, but believe myself to look horrible too. I do not have the energy or the impetus to exercise and I compulsively eat all day long, particularly when I'm at work and primarily candy and desserts. In addition, routine and simple chores and tasks are becoming increasingly difficult for me to accomplish. I either forget about them, procrastinate indefinitely and/or become frustrated with/overwhelmed by some or all aspects of what I'm supposed to do and avoid it. I am an extremely tense person who dwells on and worries about problems indefinitely. This is what probably causes me to have no energy and feel fatigued on a continuum, traits that have been inherent for most of my life, even during extended periods of sobriety and before ever using.
I did contact an outpatient recovery center (Rehab After Work) and have an appointment this Saturday (12/19). Hopefully, they can help me, because this addiction is killing me. I know this, but my attempts to detox on my own result in my becoming irritable, having no energy at all (which makes my job impossible) and becoming extremely depressed. I would be so grateful if there was any way that I could go to a rehab. My deductible is paid for the year, I have a decent amount of money in my HSA, short term and long term disability; but my employer's rule codes express that they are a drug free company and can dismiss someone if they are found to be using drugs or alcohol on the job. It also states that, if an employee voluntarily chooses to go to rehab, they can still be subject to dismissal. I am afraid to take that risk, as I am 60 years old and it would be highly unlikely that I could find another job that even paid the $24K yearly ($12.36 hourly/37.5 hour week).
I live with my boyfriend, who has never even smoked pot and have been fairly honest with him all along, but it is difficult for him to understand as he has no experience with any of it. In many ways, he is like Forrest Gump and I am more like Jenny. I am amazed that he puts up with me and still loves me.
Right now, any advice is welcome, as long as it's not judgmental or mean (i.e. "you're just having a pity party"). I am already angry at myself for being stupid enough to let this happen. This time of year, Christmas, is not my favorite time of year, as I view it as stressful, having to spend money I don't have and being bombarded with commercials that are irritating. I have a very hard time making friends. Usually, they are just acquaintances that like me in their lives, because they can take advantage of my kindness and desire to help people. That has been the case for years, even before this addiction became an issue. It is not difficult to sink into depression and believing there is no point to making an effort to do anything, because I'm hopeless. Regardless, I will force myself to go to this appointment on Saturday. I know that, if I don't, I may be self fulfilling the former statement.
Thank you for being here, reading this and (hopefully) not thinking I'm a total loser who the world could do without.
Kathi
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Hi Kathi, Welcome!
I think that making and keeping the appointment on Saturday is a good idea. Outpatient recovery could work for you. I wonder why your employer is a drug-free company, even if prescribed by your dr. Is it because you are operating machinery or that kind of thing?
I think that making and keeping the appointment on Saturday is a good idea. Outpatient recovery could work for you. I wonder why your employer is a drug-free company, even if prescribed by your dr. Is it because you are operating machinery or that kind of thing?
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,067
Welcome, Kathi!
I don't have experience with opiate addiction, but there are many here who do. I have read that feelings of anxiety and depression are symptoms of addiction that may intensify during withdrawal, but these feelings eventually go away and many have recovered to live happy lives. Keep reading and posting!
I don't have experience with opiate addiction, but there are many here who do. I have read that feelings of anxiety and depression are symptoms of addiction that may intensify during withdrawal, but these feelings eventually go away and many have recovered to live happy lives. Keep reading and posting!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 4
Thank you
Sorry that I can't fully respond to either of you, but this site erases what I post and tells me I'm not logged in, even though I did so before posting.
Anna, I don't operate any machinery. My employer contracts employees and has zero drug tolerance so that they can insure that they provide good service to their clients. They did a thorough background check on me as well. I barely got hired due to felonies for check by fraud (writing ISF checks) incurred in 1977 and THOROUGHLY paid for, both through incarceration and paying them back. I WILL keep my appointment. It may be my last and only hope.
Kathi
Anna, I don't operate any machinery. My employer contracts employees and has zero drug tolerance so that they can insure that they provide good service to their clients. They did a thorough background check on me as well. I barely got hired due to felonies for check by fraud (writing ISF checks) incurred in 1977 and THOROUGHLY paid for, both through incarceration and paying them back. I WILL keep my appointment. It may be my last and only hope.
Kathi
Last edited by Overwhelmed914; 12-17-2015 at 01:10 PM. Reason: Amazed that this posted instead of telling me I wasn't logged in.
To keep from getting booted out, check the box that says "remember me" when you log in. Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Hi overwhelmed, first, I don't think anyone here is going to think you are a loser. We are here because we have issues and want to change. I don't think I can offer much in terms of advice, but I'm sure you will find out some good information when you go to your appointment. Also, others will be along shortly to offer up some solid advice. I support your efforts in getting help 100%. I wish you the best.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
I'm sure no one thinks your a loser Kathi. This is a great place for understanding because we've been there - maybe different drugs, but we've been there.
I hope this appointment on Saturday can be a way forward for you - keep us updated
D
I hope this appointment on Saturday can be a way forward for you - keep us updated
D
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
I'm very glad to meet you, Kathi. Please never feel alone - most of us have been where you are right now. You're in an encouraging place where you can talk things over. It helps relieve the anxiety you're feeling. Good to have you with us.
Formerly ScrewdUpInDe
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: In the Nightmare in my head
Posts: 5,329
Hi Kathi, welcome.
I know where you are coming from. I had a major oxy addiction, it destroyed my life. You can get clean. I am almost 1 year and 9 months clean. It can be a hard road but you can do it.
I hope you kept your appointment and were totally honest with them so that they know your situation, that will help them come up with the best plan for you.
Best wishes.
I know where you are coming from. I had a major oxy addiction, it destroyed my life. You can get clean. I am almost 1 year and 9 months clean. It can be a hard road but you can do it.
I hope you kept your appointment and were totally honest with them so that they know your situation, that will help them come up with the best plan for you.
Best wishes.
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