Extended family member
 

For those who have followed any my posts since I joined, you know that I have a brother in law who is an alcoholic. He lives in LA and we kind of fed off each other for years. After my injuries I have made a serious effort to abstain from alcohol (full disclosure, haven't been perfect). Since then our relationship has become distant. Bottom line, I've changed he hasn't.

Last night was the 3rd time I've talked to him in the last 2 weeks. I'm worried. He's almost incoherently drunk by 3-4PM (LA time zone). At this point he's so far gone I think his health is going to fail him. I plan to have a sober talk with him when I am out there. I doubt it will do any good, but I have to in good conscience. Kind of wanted to get that off my chest.

I am sorry to hear that your BIL is in such bad shape. I hope that he is receptive to your advice, Jeff.

Above all, protect your own sobriety while you are around him; do you have a back-up plan to get away if things get touchy - staying in a hotel instead of with the family, have plans to sight-see, etc.?

My opinion on this is that you're setting yourself up for the possibility of a drinking fest out in LA with the brother-in-law.

I wouldn't worry about the BIL right now. I'd focus on staying sober in early sobriety, especially during the holidays.

Why are you deflecting to all these other family members right now? Is it to take the focus off yourself?

Your last dozen or so posts have focused completely away from yourself and on others Thomas. You know you cannot control the actions of others, and while it's certainly a valiant effort to try and have a talk with him it's really up to him to make changes.

You really need to start focusing on helping yourself as you have a lot of unresolved issues to deal with.

Your BIL's issue with alcohol is not your issue. If his drinking is affecting you, don't be around him and don't pick up the phone. There is also a friends and family members of alcoholism section here.

I agree with Scott that you need to be focusing on yourself. What are you doing to work on your own recovery right now?

I guess the question to ask yourself is this. Which is more likely, that you will convince an alcoholic that they have a problem and need to stop drinking, or that the alcoholic will convince you that you don't have a problem and can drink more?

Jeff focus on your sobriety

You've done well so far..... And feeling better already I bet... Funny-- most us drank to feel good and drank to better..... And we are finding out being sober is how we really feel good / better!

Try not to worry -- do what you can -- accept the things you ca n not because your own emotional health comes first--

About four months after I made my Big Plan my BIL drank himself , for the umpteenth time, out of house/home/work and burnt his very last bridge. He called my wife balling and she offered to let him stay at our house. I agreed with stipulations, zero tolerance, look for work ect, and if the arrangement caused too much friction in our relationship he would have to go.
I was a little pissed at my wife that she would even consider such a thing with me so newly 'sober' , but I understand her reasons and loyalty to her brother , and she thought I could help ,so for better or worse I agreed.
Long story short(if its not too late already), we put him up (and with) for almost a year until it was apparent to all he was just using our benevolence, goodwill, and empathy for a ride and would take it as far as he could, as he had already done with the rest of his family, this was the last stop on the family train.
I explained how I ended my addiction and gave him a copy of Rational Recovery and let him know I was available to talk whenever he wanted.
Point being I was not going to change or fix him, never thought I could, but I do have to say that my AV took grand notice of situation and saw it as an opportunity to exploit . Who could blame me for a yummy relapse what with all I had to contend with , newly sober, leeching not quite dry BIL , just the daily complications of adults leaving under the same roof(especially the leechy moochy parts), wife pushing this on me yada yada ect.
But none of it had anything to do with my Big Plan , my BP was in place (still is) despite that time . I guess the point is a BP is armor plating against a return to drinking, against any arguing, negotiating, debating with the AV, the answer is always "No". I hear your AV , do you ?

Oh yes. My wife and I will be completely independent out there. We are fortunate, we own both homes and have a vehicle. So I can escape any time I want.

Hi Soberpotamus, I'm still pretty focused on myself. But I don't have much to report on myself and last time I did, I set off quite a dust up. I'm not intentionally re-directing to others, but things are messed up right now with family, and of course Holidays are when family is supposed to "unite". It goes pretty deep, last nights conversation with my mother was borderline disturbing. As was my conversation with my BIL.

Thanks dwtbd, my situation is similar. I'm not going to change him. But I'm human, I care about family. He's not gonna derail me. Listening to him ramble incoherently last night was a pretty good deterrent.

I know and will keep my focus. But I've already been called extremely selfish by my family. So when I keep them at arms length, I'm being selfish, if I reach out to them, they all tell me what's wrong with me. When in reality, I think they need to look in the mirror. Anyway, last night I reached out, nothing has changed, so I will go back to being me. I'm ok with that.

That's really all you can do is talk to him from a position of love and hope that he asks for help at some point. Its hard for sure.

After reading through this whole thread I was a bit surprised that so many told you to stay away. But ya know, there is good advice in that. A couple of summers ago (I too have a completely hosed up family of origin) I got really drawn into all the drama in my family. Now, I was kind of crazy at that point, still sober, but my relationship was making me nuts and I didn't want to focus on that, or my recovery. So I was completely consumed in the BS and it killed my sobriety....that and other things. Now you don't sound like you're in the state I was, or even close, but I know that I can easily start to take on everyone else's issues and avoid my own. Just something to keep in mind as you head into the shark tank....hang in there :)