AnvilheadII

i recall your post back in november ABOUT this trip to visit the family.....at the time you were already very aware that her family drinks aot , esp the BIL but you went ahead and made the vacation plans and said you'd find ways to stick to sober activities, day trips etc.

you have also had at least three drinking events since that time, the last one was barely a week ago when you posted about another "successful" drinking session.

but now your BIL has a drinking problem.
your 70 yr old MOTHER is a snoop.
your wife has issues.
your father has issues.
your DOG has issues.

whose missing from that above list?????????

ardy

I think its this year 2015... we had plans not huge or big or much of anything..just a weekend with Nan and Charlie and family on Ed's side.. drama.. Charlie has had a major stroke.. all of our money is going for gas to go to work for me.. and take Ed out to his Mom and pick her up and go to help Dad.. Ardy when did I become the responsible party here. Babe you are the oldest and only son.. we have to get Nan to realize Charlie is not coming home for Christmas their car has not been cared for properly in 4 years. Billy and Ed are doing that today.. I keep Hoping my flu/cold goes away so I can go back out and help.. I cook and feed people and staff.. the rehab nursing home is grand.. know that they are doing a huge effort to help Charlie get better.... I just wanted this little bit of time with them.. Melly is being pulled so many ways with her new young man.. Moose has Dina's family he is safe and Ivan my Templar knight that just wanted to come home for Christmas this year. will have to wait for another year and time...that song ... the Cat's in the cradle and the man in the moon when are you coming home Dad.. brings me to tears every time... ok my cold has me tearing now... so looking forward to a new 2016... kiddo you go for that holiday with your wife.. and let her know of others that are in strife right now... you can only try.... love and prayers this Christamas 2015 an Old Lady Clown ardy

Anna

If you left your family and moved away, how long do you think it would be before you had people in your life with the same issues? I would bet, not very long. It's life. As others have said, step back, work on yourself. You can't control other people but you CAN control your reaction to things. Once you see that, it won't make you furious if, for example, your wife can't make a decision.

thomas11

Thank you, and I will. Count on it.

thomas11

I will take this under serious consideration, but I admittedly am one of those folks that thinks there is a stigma attached to therapy. BUT...I'm getting close because this sh*t ain't normal (or healthy). I'm mildly irritated with my wife, but at least I can talk to her and she's normal.

thomas11

Excellent point tomsteve.

thomas11

I understand anvil. I need to forget about extraneous circumstances and focus on me. I have 3 pronged approach when we get back.
1. Taper off my pain medication
2. Start exercising (this is the 2nd longest period in my life I've gone without some type of exercise regimen).
3. Meet with business coach, headhunter and become gainfully employed.
So my list is set. First is vacation, then it will be time to execute the above plan.

EndGameNYC

I've learned in my personal and professional life that we are increasingly susceptible to the frustrations that are born of trying to control people and events the greater we ourselves are or feel out of control.

There are other suggestions and interpretations I could offer around what you're going through, but it is ultimately more important that you work your way through all these things, just as it is up to you stop avoiding what's truly going on with your attempts at sobriety and with your issues with anger. And to actually start putting to use what you report that you've learned from your experiences and behavior.

thomas11

Last thing I'm going to say, and it makes me happy. Yesterday I sold one of my trucks, it was a nice one. So I gave my wife money yesterday and she's renting a very nice condominium on the ocean. Choosing one is what got me a little riled up. They were all gorgeous, so I just said PICK ONE! Anyway, I'm really excited. I've plowed snow for 13 years and have worked on Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Years Eve, New Years Day...you name it. Missed countless family events. This year, gonna be hanging out by the ocean.

ScottFromWI

So you don't see your recent drinking ( or your drinking issues in general ) as being important enough to be on that list?

Aellyce

You don't need to tell anyone that you are in treatment if you don't want to, Jeff. If you want to use insurance, there is a little less complete privacy as you need to submit diagnoses etc, but I think many therapists are open to discussing this and finding a solution that suits you. Maybe your wife would know, but from your descriptions it sounds like you trust her?

For me, therapy has been one of the most fascinating, enlightening and helpful(!) "tools" in my recovery. I also thoroughly enjoy the process, I mean it's not always pleasant and there can be many things that are hard to face and share, but very interesting in many ways even just the act of overcoming insecurities and inhibitions in a harmless way. I personally don't hide it from anyone, more the opposite, but I am in the mental health field myself. You can also try different practitioners, approaches, individual or group, whatever is appealing. And if it does not seem helpful, you can move on and try something else. Not sure whether you mean the stigma in front of the external world or that you feel uncomfortable seeking this kind of help, in any case the beginning is perhaps like admitting that we have a drinking problem and taking steps to resolving it. It can also help with the kind of social and interpersonal challenges that you often write about, not only by the virtue of discussing your life experiences but via creating an interpersonal environment and context that we pretty much never experience in "ordinary" relationships. What it takes though, just like sustained sobriety: some courage, willingness, effort and perseverance on our side. It's no magic at all in that sense but the collaborative work can help break through obstacles in significant ways. Or maybe you find that it does not do much for you, but you have tried. You often talk about conflicts and difficulties in your social life but never about possible attempts IRL to seek support in relation to sobriety or the other problems you are experiencing. Perhaps time to do that part differently?

thomas11

It was assumed. But per your advice, I will add that as a 4th item on my list. Thanks Scott.

thomas11

Aellyce, it would be nice to talk to someone without being judged. Someone who doesn't have a dog in the fight and can give me feedback (like SR does) from a position of neutrality. Who knows, maybe I'm the one who's all effed up. Probably am.

But I can tell you one thing for certain, when there is a crisis, I'm on speed dial. They all come to me to bail em out.

OpenTuning

It sounds like Person Centred counselling (the approach a man named Carl Rogers came up with) might be just the ticket for you. Think of a counsellor who practices that as being like the best friend ever, who you can say absolutely anything to and know they won't judge you, will empathise completely, and will care about you deeply. They'll help you explore the issues in your life that you want to explore, to find answers that are right for you, rather than sitting there analysing you and telling you what to do. I've had a bit of experience with that lately and was a bit sceptical about it, but found it really works.

Some people want an expert to say "this is what your problem is, and here is how to fix it", but I think an approach where you find the answers for yourself, with expert help, in a highly supportive non-judgmental environment, might suit your personality better.

thomas11

You guys have given me some encouragement regarding therapy. Its good to know there is an option available. For me, I would want strictly 1 on 1. And if I go, I'm not holding anything back, I'm going to get my money's worth. Probably take a few sessions.

OpenTuning

With the kind of therapy I'm talking about, you definitely want to go into it with the attitude of not holding anything back. And don't be surprised if you find yourself wanting to continue for more than a few sessions. It could well be the best Christmas present you could possibly buy for yourself.

strategery

Why can you not start now? Esp, with working on your drinking and tapering off your pain medication?
There is never a good time to get sober.

thomas11

Strategry, I understand where you are coming from, but please respect that is not how I operate/function. I feel pretty good about not drinking on this trip because the only heavy drinker is my BIL and he's a puddle. I want nothing to do with that mess. Tapering my medication, I've already tapered about 60% of my prescribed dose. Its uncomfortable. I don't want to be uncomfortable on my first frickin winter vacation in 13 years. Regarding exercise, it was just 2 days ago that I could actually squat down all the way to the floor using my hands as support. Before if I did that I would have collapsed, so I don't think I can do much. I will start by riding a stationary bike at low resistance then try to advance from there.

I'm 48 yrs old and have not been spontaneous for 20 years. Everything has to be planned out in advance. Its just the way I'm wired. When I wrestled in college, I started conditioning in August even though the first practice wasn't allowed by the NCAA until late September. When running my business I would have customer call me at 3PM and ask me to come give them a bid at 7PM that night, never happened. I always tried to be scheduled 3-5 days out.

Marcher13

Jeff I think you'd know me well enough from my previous posts to know that I don't post flippantly or sarcastically so please take this comment in the spirit of honest discussion -- not as dismissal or flippancy.

You were very irritated with your wife, mother, father in previous posts in this thread...fair enough it happens to us all. You have pointed out one of your own failings here but "it's just the way [you're] wired".

Do you see an inconsistency here?

One of the biggest lessons of my recovery has been letting go of my need and intention to control. It's actually very freeing. It's not a matter of becoming careless or having no care of other people/situations, in fact it's quite the opposite.

teatreeoil007

Way to go Tom on being honest about your family that's not healthy...your mom needs to but out or pack sand
Your dad probably liked oxys because maybe he wanted to check out from being with your mom

And your wife sounds stable / not as unsettled plus has good taste at picking out nice condo
Maybe she is not as indecisive as you thought...