endlesspatience

Did anyone else see the article on the front page about why anger has to go? It gives some good reasons, especially this:

"Negative emotions can bolster up the ego in an unhealthy way, exceeding your pride to the point that it becomes detrimental to your sobriety. The longer you hang on to your anger and believe it is justified, the more you risk losing everything you’ve worked so hard to achieve in sobriety."

Shall we share some techniques about dealing with our own anger? Here's my first suggestion:

Pay people complements. For example, if each day I say to my wife thee things I like about her and how she handles things, I am much less likely to be angry with her and our relationship will improve.

Please share your ideas with us.

Meraviglioso

I need this thread today, thank you.

VirginiaWoof

I'm not very good at this but when I'm angry I try and 'analyse' who/what is gaining from it. If the answer is something/one else or nothing at all then it becomes pointless.

As I say, I 'try' to do that!!

lilgolden73

Ya, I've had to get a handle on my anger and resentment. It's so hard and it flares up from time to time, fewer and further between.

Dee74

I used to have a lot of anger.

I've had a lot of success with trying to keep things in perspective - how important is this? what is my anger saying about me?

and if my anger is directed at someone in particular, I try to put myself in the other persons shoes - why did they do that? is my reaction appropriate? etc.

There's a great quote :

1. don't sweat the small stuff...
2. it's all small stuff.

I don't take 'don't sweat the small stuff' to mean that some things aren't important or even that I have no right to get angry...

but there's almost always something more important around that me and my anger, and I try to remember that.

A healthy perspective, and a grounded sense of self, is really important.

This article is not particularly deep, but I found it useful

How to Manage Your Anger through Changing Your Perspective - For Dummies

If I let my anger run riot, if I let it go without any attempt to deal with what's making me angry, I figure I'm that much closer to making a really catastrophic decision like drinking again...so dealing with anger is pretty important...

Thanks for the thread EP

D

Yogini1603

Endless, thanks for posting this quote:

"Negative emotions can bolster up the ego in an unhealthy way, exceeding your pride to the point that it becomes detrimental to your sobriety. The longer you hang on to your anger and believe it is justified, the more you risk losing everything you’ve worked so hard to achieve in sobriety."

That's amazing and really hits the point for me.

My coping mechanism is yoga. I definitely want to build up a stronger set of tools to deal with anger as I'm generally quite a calm person but it feels like it comes from nowhere. Yoga every day (sometimes twice at the moment) is keeping me mindful and centered, but I'm definitely struggling with dealing with other people and I feel like they can "make" me feel angry which I know is giving them power over my feelings.

Meraviglioso

I see a lot of people using yoga. Does it really help? I tried it in the past and it just seemed like a lot of light stretching exercises. I am not trying to be smart, but how exactly does that help? I'm willing to give it a try.

Yogini1603

Ooo yay, I love yoga questions!

Without getting too deep, it's more about the mind-body connection rather than pushing your body into pretzel shapes! I can't speak for anyone else but for me, one of the worst things about addiction is that I don't always feel "in" my own skin, I don't feel comfortable with myself and I'm not always paying attention to how I'm sitting, how I feel physically and then look after myself accordingly. Yoga gives that connection back. You can focus on the breath, feel every single part of your body as you move, know your limits and know to respect your body and not push it.

I'm not a yoga teacher or anything so I'm probably not explaining it very well, but I subscribe to Yoga Journal and found a decent link on their website:

10 Beginner Yoga FAQs Answered | Yoga Frequently Asked Questions

abraxas69

Thanks for the post and a timely reminder that I must in future land on the home page of the site first before heading off to the forums - these articles have passed me by completely.

I don't really have any answers, but wherever possible I find it helpful to remove myself from the situation (if relevant). And then pause for some reflection (even a simple "count to 10" helps me sometimes).

Meraviglioso

Thank you for the link Yogini, I will have a look. I know there are a lot of yoga classes around, I'll research them more.

AlericB

I always feel there's something wrong with anger even when it seems justified. I think this is because when you're angry, you're not really seeing things accurately. When it's really bad we say see things through a 'red mist' - we're not really seeing things as they happen at all.

It can also become a habit and we find ourselves getting locked into an automatic response. I think what can help is to try to be aware of our feelings when we are angry. This will help dispel the blindness of the present moment that anger brings and free us from some of the often not so pleasant consequences

Soberwolf

When I get angry I do my best to reflect even write it out & once I do that I then start breathing exercises & eventually meditation on it & I try to forgive myself if I do get angry

I'm learning (slowly) to stay mindful & I think reflection really helps esp while walking to diffuse the anger

The other night for example when I had a bunch of teenagers beating the crap out my house with a thick wooden branch I was ready to put ppl in bins & get justice

That's angry thinking & the truth was the bunch of teenagers realised quickly that somebody lived there, it was innocent they wasn't attacking our home intentionally they were trying to break the branch & they scattered when they saw me holding said thick wooden branch

So yeah reflection, therapy, walking, writing it out, mindfulness, meditation are all good for anger

endlesspatience

Thanks. There's some good suggestions here. I sense that if you could rehearse in your head being angry before it actually happens that might be good. I did some mental exercises like that around drinking and they helped a lot. I sort of walked myself a repeated drinking binge, all the way through to the negative consequences, using previous experiences as my guide. That showed me what would happen if I got drunk. I could do the same thing with anger, maybe.

Fly N Buy

One remarkable "coincidence" that occur on SR is the timeliness of threads. This morning while on day 2 of processing some anger issues I responded to another thread with this -

I too have been dealing with some anger the last couple days. It's tough when the tools are there, but still can't shake the nasty feeling. That emotional hangover is so much worse for me than the ole booze hangover.

It takes time for me to process anger at times. I can't simply pull out my jedi sober sword and have it all go away even having done steps and continuing to do so.

I think of this when I get angry from the book - If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.


I have given up my right to stay mad - not for others, but for me. Personally, I have not used the resentment prayer from the stories. Others say it's worked for them. I don't know.... But if I remember and read this part of the book, then I go outside the literature to material about my HP with meditation - soon that feeling will be vanquished.

It's not immediate for me, but it does work. While that anger is present I have to be mindful not to allow my "viper tongue" to destroy those around me. That's really hard at times - especially when friends ask - Are you ok??? If I open up too much until I worked through it, things can go way down the dark hole in a hurry. I'll be plotting revenge on their children's children........

A horse has a bit and can be lead around by it - I need my bit at times too.

Thanks for the thread - VERY helpful


Regardless of how angry I am, I need to be certain I have a well working pause button - Unfortunately, my mouth is between my brain and my heart.........

letitgo

I like to scream and yell alot in the car.
Then i realize it usually something i can not control. I think i feel better ranting and getting it out. And realize it really wasnt that big of a deal.

I am a rageaholic like homer simpson hmmm rageahol. Great thread

Justincredible

I am finding having a friend, or group, or sponsor to vent to when necessary. Writing it out on paper is really helpful to! Just letting the anger out of my head helps me gain a new perspective, and the power of the anger always seems to dissipate and I can move forward. If I do not share, or let it out in a healthy way, eventually it boils over and comes out in a negative attitude, bitterness, or in the worse case scenario relapse. I've always been extremely angry, emotional, and confused before a relapse.

Yoga sounds interesting, the mention of it here sounds appealing to me! I just need to work the courage up to try it!

greens

Tai chi, CBT, 'the four agreements', lots and lots of cardio

Anna

Mera, I've done yoga forever - sometimes classes, sometimes at home. I think yoga helps by making you focus on the movements, the breathing, the moments. The goal is to focus on your body and what it's feeling and there isn't room for anger. Plus, physically yoga is very relaxing for your body and that's a benefit.

Findingtheway

I heard anger described at a meeting once...as *Sitting on a rusty nail*

It's really up to US to decide when we want to move(take action) and get off the nail.

So whenever i start feeling angry/upset i just remember...I WILL FEEL BETTER if i move(take action) and get off the nail!

Don't know if this helps anyone...But it resonates with me.

Behan

This is a great thread idea. Anger is something I have spent a lot of time thinking about as my anger and the anger of others really effects me badly. I must stress that the following consists of my humble opinion only.

I think that one of the reasons our anger is triggered is that we perceive that that some rule or standard we have set has been broken. This rule might be connected to how we believe we should be treated or how others should act. We can run into problems in two ways. If our rules are broken and we do not react, I think we are suppressing our anger. Where does it go? This can be a big trigger for substance misuse as we take the anger out on ourselves. We can also get into trouble if we allow the anger to completely take over our very being - again, a state that we may have learnt to manage via one of the various neurotoxins.

And the rules or standards? Are they correct or appropriate? Do we have lots of shoulds for others and are easily triggered? Or do we not have sufficient rules and give permission to others to walk over us.

I imagine there is a large biological component to anger, i.e., fight-flight response which is of course inextricable with our overall well being.

I wonder is there a middle way between suppressing and allowing our anger to overwhelm us?

These are just some of my thoughts.

Best wishes,

B