ZeldaFan's post-relapse recovery journal
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 1,472
Day 3 is coming to a close and I have to say it was a pretty good one. I got a good amount of sleep last night. Even though it wasn't a lot of hours, they were consecutive. The dreams were still a bit strange but strange in a good way. I woke up feeling pretty darn refreshed considering how late I was up. It was the first morning since the relapse where I got up and said to myself "Oh yeah! This is why I stay sober."
After I grabbed a shower and shave, I stopped by my bank to get a replacement debit card since my other one was breached. It was a somber moment, however, as the bank is closing in a few month after being bought by a larger bank. It was sad given how long I've been banking there. It's a small town kinda bank where you can walk in and they know you by name, offer you a coffee and don't even need to see ID to cash a check. That personal touch will be missed. So I filled out my paperwork to transfer to the evil new bank (which I will be leaving as soon as I find a new one as to not support what they did) and said my goodbyes to everyone there and wished them the best. I could easily be in a similar situation soon so that really made it hit home for me as well.
So, after that sad moment I decided I needed some comfort food and hit up some Mexican for a breakfast burrito. It was just what I needed and was particularly delicious this morning. I hung around there for about an hour before heading out to my haircut. I spent some time browsing on here and playing Hay Day on my iPad to pass the time. It was relaxing and a nice change of pace.
When I got to my haircut, my mood turned sour for no apparent reason. There were a lot of people in there being loud and talking about their lives and it just rubbed me the wrong way. My stylist could tell I was annoyed. Between knowing I was going to work after and all the people, I just sat there quietly as to not say something rude. She didn't say much but just gave me a weird look like I wasn't being myself. I'm still not looking 100 percent either so I'm sure that played a part in it as well. Mood swings are part of the recovery process so I took a deep breath when I got in the car, called my doctor to confirm my appointment was still on for Monday (soonest he can see me, unfortunately) and hit the road for work.
Once I got there the mood changed again into productive mode and I got a lot done. I met with my coworker who I was on the phone with late last night to go over what we discussed and then took care of other business. Before I knew it, the work day was over. On the way home, I remembered that Firecracker chicken is back at Panda Express so I had to grab some of that. I'm sure I will regret it later but it was so worth it.
Got home, enjoyed my chicken, got my vape gear back into action to drop the smoking again that I picked up thanks to drinking again and watched some YouTube. I'm happy to say that I have only had one cigarette today and plan to be back to none tomorrow. I know people have mixed feelings about the vaping thing and I'm not looking to start a debate here, but if you are trying to quit smoking I really do recommend giving it a try. It's been the only thing that worked for me (when I'm sober, of course!) so I think it's worth at least picking up a starter kit to see how it goes.
And now I'm here in my cozy bed, fresh sheets and heated blanket. My safe space. I've been munching on some Chewy Spree in bed as the sugar cravings are back but it's better than sitting here with a drink and a smoke so I'm good with it for now. Definitely not something I want to make a habit of, though haha. Being at the end of day 3 feels satisfying and I feel like the life is starting to come back into me so I'm incredibly thankful for that.
For all those out there having a hard time, hang in there! I saw the thread from Sean and I know he reads this thread so I wanted to send good thoughts your way Sean and let you know I've been thinking about you today. Stay strong. I'm going to keep a positive attitude as much as possible and hope it can spread to some others who may need it as well. Let's do this together! I will check in tomorrow morning as part of my new routine. Take care as always and thank you!
After I grabbed a shower and shave, I stopped by my bank to get a replacement debit card since my other one was breached. It was a somber moment, however, as the bank is closing in a few month after being bought by a larger bank. It was sad given how long I've been banking there. It's a small town kinda bank where you can walk in and they know you by name, offer you a coffee and don't even need to see ID to cash a check. That personal touch will be missed. So I filled out my paperwork to transfer to the evil new bank (which I will be leaving as soon as I find a new one as to not support what they did) and said my goodbyes to everyone there and wished them the best. I could easily be in a similar situation soon so that really made it hit home for me as well.
So, after that sad moment I decided I needed some comfort food and hit up some Mexican for a breakfast burrito. It was just what I needed and was particularly delicious this morning. I hung around there for about an hour before heading out to my haircut. I spent some time browsing on here and playing Hay Day on my iPad to pass the time. It was relaxing and a nice change of pace.
When I got to my haircut, my mood turned sour for no apparent reason. There were a lot of people in there being loud and talking about their lives and it just rubbed me the wrong way. My stylist could tell I was annoyed. Between knowing I was going to work after and all the people, I just sat there quietly as to not say something rude. She didn't say much but just gave me a weird look like I wasn't being myself. I'm still not looking 100 percent either so I'm sure that played a part in it as well. Mood swings are part of the recovery process so I took a deep breath when I got in the car, called my doctor to confirm my appointment was still on for Monday (soonest he can see me, unfortunately) and hit the road for work.
Once I got there the mood changed again into productive mode and I got a lot done. I met with my coworker who I was on the phone with late last night to go over what we discussed and then took care of other business. Before I knew it, the work day was over. On the way home, I remembered that Firecracker chicken is back at Panda Express so I had to grab some of that. I'm sure I will regret it later but it was so worth it.
Got home, enjoyed my chicken, got my vape gear back into action to drop the smoking again that I picked up thanks to drinking again and watched some YouTube. I'm happy to say that I have only had one cigarette today and plan to be back to none tomorrow. I know people have mixed feelings about the vaping thing and I'm not looking to start a debate here, but if you are trying to quit smoking I really do recommend giving it a try. It's been the only thing that worked for me (when I'm sober, of course!) so I think it's worth at least picking up a starter kit to see how it goes.
And now I'm here in my cozy bed, fresh sheets and heated blanket. My safe space. I've been munching on some Chewy Spree in bed as the sugar cravings are back but it's better than sitting here with a drink and a smoke so I'm good with it for now. Definitely not something I want to make a habit of, though haha. Being at the end of day 3 feels satisfying and I feel like the life is starting to come back into me so I'm incredibly thankful for that.
For all those out there having a hard time, hang in there! I saw the thread from Sean and I know he reads this thread so I wanted to send good thoughts your way Sean and let you know I've been thinking about you today. Stay strong. I'm going to keep a positive attitude as much as possible and hope it can spread to some others who may need it as well. Let's do this together! I will check in tomorrow morning as part of my new routine. Take care as always and thank you!
looks like things are going good Zelda Member
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 1,472
Good morning all! Day 4 begins and I've just finished making my lunch for the day rocking out to some Fleetwood Mac. I woke up earlier this morning with terrible indigestion from the chicken last night but I knew that was coming. I took some antacid and went right back to bed. I'm feeling very refreshed this morning and that's a good thing since the roads don't look great from the snow we got overnight. A few people are working from home but I have a lot to do today so I'm going to tough it out. Here's to a good day for all! May us all be strong today against the AV!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Indiana
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Day 4 was a difficult one. It started out well and quickly became increasingly frustrating the rest of the way through. The drive to work took over an hour thanks to the weather. Once I got in, I had some unpleasant items to deal with at work. After that, I had a conference call that did not go well. By 3:00 I was so furious I literally could not see straight, my chest was tight and I was shaking. I had to sit in my office with the door closed listening to calming music for about an hour just to calm down enough to come out. It became clear to me today that this job is becoming very toxic to my daily life and is something that I need to start dealing with.
When I left work, the entire drive home all I could think about was how a drink would be nice. Then, I changed my thought process and asked myself "What's the one thing you could do to make today worse?" Of course, the answer to that was to drink and start the entire process over again. That rational thinking shut down my AV immediately as the last thing I wanted to do was make things worse. It was the first time I had used that technique with myself and I was surprised how well it worked. I don't really have a full plan in place yet but that's definitely a tool to add to my list. I'm definitely looking forward to seeing my doctor and getting a referral for an addiction specialist to start meeting with. I know they will give me even more tools for dealing with these kinds of situations. For now, I will just make sure to remind myself how much worse having a drink will make any situation - be it good or bad.
Once I got home I had leftovers for dinner, sat down in front of the TV and got on my iPad and started doing mindless stuff in Hay Day to just clear my head. After about an hour of that, I finally came back to baseline. I also had a nice glass of sparkling water with a slice of lemon which was very refreshing and also helped calm my nerves. Now that I'm settled in for the night, I'm ready to get some sleep, recharge and face the day tomorrow with new tools in my pocket for dealing with any cravings.
My lesson at the end of today was no matter how stressful things get, it does pass. No matter how strong your AV tries to get to you with cravings, if you shut it down and let the craving run its course, that passes as well. As long as I still have my health and sobriety, I have more than enough to be thankful for. Knowing I will wake up tomorrow sober makes everything today worth it. Let's all keep being strong and stay in this together! Thanks as always for the great support!
When I left work, the entire drive home all I could think about was how a drink would be nice. Then, I changed my thought process and asked myself "What's the one thing you could do to make today worse?" Of course, the answer to that was to drink and start the entire process over again. That rational thinking shut down my AV immediately as the last thing I wanted to do was make things worse. It was the first time I had used that technique with myself and I was surprised how well it worked. I don't really have a full plan in place yet but that's definitely a tool to add to my list. I'm definitely looking forward to seeing my doctor and getting a referral for an addiction specialist to start meeting with. I know they will give me even more tools for dealing with these kinds of situations. For now, I will just make sure to remind myself how much worse having a drink will make any situation - be it good or bad.
Once I got home I had leftovers for dinner, sat down in front of the TV and got on my iPad and started doing mindless stuff in Hay Day to just clear my head. After about an hour of that, I finally came back to baseline. I also had a nice glass of sparkling water with a slice of lemon which was very refreshing and also helped calm my nerves. Now that I'm settled in for the night, I'm ready to get some sleep, recharge and face the day tomorrow with new tools in my pocket for dealing with any cravings.
My lesson at the end of today was no matter how stressful things get, it does pass. No matter how strong your AV tries to get to you with cravings, if you shut it down and let the craving run its course, that passes as well. As long as I still have my health and sobriety, I have more than enough to be thankful for. Knowing I will wake up tomorrow sober makes everything today worth it. Let's all keep being strong and stay in this together! Thanks as always for the great support!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 1,472
Morning of Day 5, lunch is packed and the cat knows I'm about to leave. He's giving me that look of "Where do you think you are going without me?" haha. I woke up refreshed again this morning and I'm hoping for a less stressful day than I had yesterday. Hangover free mornings really are such a gift and I could tell by looking in the mirror this morning that my skin is already starting to improve. It's the little things like that that just add to the motivation to stay away from the drink. Sending positive vibes out for the day and I hope everyone else makes it a good one as well!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 1,472
Laundry is in the dryer, heating blanket is warming up the bed and I'm on the couch with the cat enjoying the closing out of day 5. Today was a prime example of how sometimes, even in sobriety, life can throw you a curveball.
I went into work today expecting it to be just another day as usual but then HR decided to have a meeting with me to further discuss my health issues and my absence the first two weeks of the year. Basically, I was offered the ultimatum of taking a fairly generous severance package and walking away or sticking around and making things work. No more missing work. Making things work with the difficult group I've been dealing with. Essentially, a complete and total commitment to getting my you-know-what together. If I turn down the severance offer and then screw up again, that's basically termination. I was told we would have another meeting on Tuesday next week for me to give my answer.
So, the rest of the day this weighed heavily on me. The severance package would be the easy way out and would ensure I took home a sizable check on my way out the door but it would also mean giving into the idea that I may not make my sobriety work. By sticking around, I'm making a total commitment to staying sober this time or I will lose my job. Of course my AV wanted me to take the first option and, believe me, I really considered it for a few hours. Then I posted here in the weekenders thread and it made me realize that I need to be committed to my sobriety, my job and ensuring I maintain a consistent income. The easy way out isn't going to cut it. I decided I'm sticking it out and I'm going to make the commitment to myself and my employer. Come Tuesday, I'm letting them know this.
It definitely proved to be a day full of looking deep into myself and what I'm really committed to and it was an experience. I had no idea when I walked into the office today how much I would end up realizing by the end of the day. It also proved a wake-up call for just how serious my sobriety is this time around. The stakes are higher now. Not only is my health at risk but my job as well. The reality that it has gotten to this turning point set in and, once it did, my AV was silent the rest of the day. It scared it into silence I think.
I have one last chance to get this right before I really start to screw things up in my life worse than any previous failed attempt. I know this now and it's not something I'm taking lightly. With the support of this group, my doctor and seeing an addiction specialist, I'm going to make sure I stay true to my commitment this time around. Let this be a wake-up call for anyone reading this who thinks that you haven't gotten to "that point" yet where you are messing things up in your life. It creeps up on you. I'm just fortunate enough to have a supportive employer who is giving me one last chance. I can do this and I will do this.
With that, it's time to fold some pants, crawl into bed with a cup of tea and give thanks to another day sober. Thanks to everyone for always being there for advice and support for me. I'm going to continue to need it as I move forward in my journey.
I went into work today expecting it to be just another day as usual but then HR decided to have a meeting with me to further discuss my health issues and my absence the first two weeks of the year. Basically, I was offered the ultimatum of taking a fairly generous severance package and walking away or sticking around and making things work. No more missing work. Making things work with the difficult group I've been dealing with. Essentially, a complete and total commitment to getting my you-know-what together. If I turn down the severance offer and then screw up again, that's basically termination. I was told we would have another meeting on Tuesday next week for me to give my answer.
So, the rest of the day this weighed heavily on me. The severance package would be the easy way out and would ensure I took home a sizable check on my way out the door but it would also mean giving into the idea that I may not make my sobriety work. By sticking around, I'm making a total commitment to staying sober this time or I will lose my job. Of course my AV wanted me to take the first option and, believe me, I really considered it for a few hours. Then I posted here in the weekenders thread and it made me realize that I need to be committed to my sobriety, my job and ensuring I maintain a consistent income. The easy way out isn't going to cut it. I decided I'm sticking it out and I'm going to make the commitment to myself and my employer. Come Tuesday, I'm letting them know this.
It definitely proved to be a day full of looking deep into myself and what I'm really committed to and it was an experience. I had no idea when I walked into the office today how much I would end up realizing by the end of the day. It also proved a wake-up call for just how serious my sobriety is this time around. The stakes are higher now. Not only is my health at risk but my job as well. The reality that it has gotten to this turning point set in and, once it did, my AV was silent the rest of the day. It scared it into silence I think.
I have one last chance to get this right before I really start to screw things up in my life worse than any previous failed attempt. I know this now and it's not something I'm taking lightly. With the support of this group, my doctor and seeing an addiction specialist, I'm going to make sure I stay true to my commitment this time around. Let this be a wake-up call for anyone reading this who thinks that you haven't gotten to "that point" yet where you are messing things up in your life. It creeps up on you. I'm just fortunate enough to have a supportive employer who is giving me one last chance. I can do this and I will do this.
With that, it's time to fold some pants, crawl into bed with a cup of tea and give thanks to another day sober. Thanks to everyone for always being there for advice and support for me. I'm going to continue to need it as I move forward in my journey.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 1,472
Day 6 begins and I'm looking forward to getting to work today and kicking some serious butt. I'm going to show that I can and will do my absolute best. I woke up this morning very refreshed and with a positive attitude. I'm making it my goal today to carry that positive attitude with me all day. Happy Friday everyone!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 1,472
Day 6 is coming to a close and that means the one week mark is at hand. Thinking back to where I was one week ago is terrifying. I clearly remember being so sick at this point from almost two weeks of drinking that I had uncontrollable hiccups that led to constant vomiting with blood. It was at this point a week ago I realized things were getting serious. Yet, on Saturday I continued to consume until I finally stopped that night. The withdrawals Saturday night and Sunday were horrible. I remember being terrified, in pain and feeling out of control. I stayed in bed almost all day Sunday shaking and scared just wishing the day would pass so it would be over with.
Now, I'm in bed sober and looking forward to waking up tomorrow to make a delicious breakfast to celebrate my week of sobriety. I am so thankful to have pulled out of that dark place and I will never go back to it again. I have said that in the past but this time my resolve is absolute. I cannot and will not go back to where I was last Friday. It was one of the worst nights of my life. Tonight, I feel wonderful and full of hope. Sobriety truly is a gift and one well worth fighting for.
This morning I woke up feeling very refreshed and with a positive attitude as soon as I got out of bed. I have a Bluetooth speaker in my bathroom and I was singing loudly in the shower this morning. I had made my decision yesterday to stay at work and do whatever it takes to show that I am committed to my health, my sobriety and my job. I knew going into work today that was exactly what I was going to do.
When I got to work, I felt sharp and focused - more than I have in years and I had an incredibly productive day. I spoke with my supervisor about plans moving forward with the department, corrected a bad situation from earlier in the week with a phone call, defused a situation that was brewing between my department and another and confronted an employee about a dishonest move that put me in a bad spot. I put a plan in place to make sure that didn't happen again and generally just got everything in order. I feel like I corrected a lot of the things that were causing me anxiety and stress at work throughout the week. When the workday ended, I felt extremely accomplished and it was a wonderful feeling. It gives me the motivation to keep striving for excellence in my career again.
One week in, my mind is coming back online (thus why I think I was able to be so focused and planned at work today), my eyes are looking much better, my skin feels softer, my hair feels normal again, bowels are mostly back to normal, I was able to fill out a form without a shaky hand and the anxiety is beginning to subside. I'm so grateful for all of these things!
On my way home from work the thought of alcohol didn't even cross my mind. I went to the store and picked up ingredients for fajitas, roasted chicken with potatoes and mixed vegetables, spaghetti with meatballs, chili, breakfast goodies and sandwich meat and bread as well as some juice. I walked right by all the liquor and didn't think twice. I also picked up a nice frozen pizza as a treat when I decide to bake it.
Upon arriving home, I decided to test my focus and motor skills by doing a precision build on one of my vape setups that requires a steady hand and focus. I was successful and enjoyed music in the background as I worked. It was nice to get my mind off everything and just enjoy what I was working on and the music in the background. After that, I enjoyed a sandwich and some Netflix and then retired to bed where I am now. It feels wonderful to be sober on a Friday night with a true feeling of accomplishment for the day.
Reading the threads tonight, I can see a lot of people are being triggered by the winter storm that is hitting the east hard this weekend. For all of you struggling to get through this (many for the first time) without alcohol, stay strong. You will feel so great once you come out the other side on Monday sober knowing you accomplished weathering the storm alcohol free. My thoughts are with everyone to be safe and stay sober this weekend. We are all in this together and we can do it! All the best to everyone and thanks as always for keeping me motivated and helping me keep my sobriety a priority. Let's all get this weekend started right!
Now, I'm in bed sober and looking forward to waking up tomorrow to make a delicious breakfast to celebrate my week of sobriety. I am so thankful to have pulled out of that dark place and I will never go back to it again. I have said that in the past but this time my resolve is absolute. I cannot and will not go back to where I was last Friday. It was one of the worst nights of my life. Tonight, I feel wonderful and full of hope. Sobriety truly is a gift and one well worth fighting for.
This morning I woke up feeling very refreshed and with a positive attitude as soon as I got out of bed. I have a Bluetooth speaker in my bathroom and I was singing loudly in the shower this morning. I had made my decision yesterday to stay at work and do whatever it takes to show that I am committed to my health, my sobriety and my job. I knew going into work today that was exactly what I was going to do.
When I got to work, I felt sharp and focused - more than I have in years and I had an incredibly productive day. I spoke with my supervisor about plans moving forward with the department, corrected a bad situation from earlier in the week with a phone call, defused a situation that was brewing between my department and another and confronted an employee about a dishonest move that put me in a bad spot. I put a plan in place to make sure that didn't happen again and generally just got everything in order. I feel like I corrected a lot of the things that were causing me anxiety and stress at work throughout the week. When the workday ended, I felt extremely accomplished and it was a wonderful feeling. It gives me the motivation to keep striving for excellence in my career again.
One week in, my mind is coming back online (thus why I think I was able to be so focused and planned at work today), my eyes are looking much better, my skin feels softer, my hair feels normal again, bowels are mostly back to normal, I was able to fill out a form without a shaky hand and the anxiety is beginning to subside. I'm so grateful for all of these things!
On my way home from work the thought of alcohol didn't even cross my mind. I went to the store and picked up ingredients for fajitas, roasted chicken with potatoes and mixed vegetables, spaghetti with meatballs, chili, breakfast goodies and sandwich meat and bread as well as some juice. I walked right by all the liquor and didn't think twice. I also picked up a nice frozen pizza as a treat when I decide to bake it.
Upon arriving home, I decided to test my focus and motor skills by doing a precision build on one of my vape setups that requires a steady hand and focus. I was successful and enjoyed music in the background as I worked. It was nice to get my mind off everything and just enjoy what I was working on and the music in the background. After that, I enjoyed a sandwich and some Netflix and then retired to bed where I am now. It feels wonderful to be sober on a Friday night with a true feeling of accomplishment for the day.
Reading the threads tonight, I can see a lot of people are being triggered by the winter storm that is hitting the east hard this weekend. For all of you struggling to get through this (many for the first time) without alcohol, stay strong. You will feel so great once you come out the other side on Monday sober knowing you accomplished weathering the storm alcohol free. My thoughts are with everyone to be safe and stay sober this weekend. We are all in this together and we can do it! All the best to everyone and thanks as always for keeping me motivated and helping me keep my sobriety a priority. Let's all get this weekend started right!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 1,472
Day 7 is here and I've just woken up. It feels great to be sober on a Saturday morning! I still need to get a shower before I completely wake up but I'm looking forward to a nice relaxing day, a good breakfast and possibly a pizza for dinner as my reward for one week. Happy Saturday all!
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,203
Hi ZF, i meant to check in before now but I am pleased you are doing well.
It is impossible to be certain but I reckon you have made the right choice about staying at work instead of taking redundancy. If things improve that is great and if you don't like the way things are - well I always feel that getting another job is much easier when you already have one.
Have a great weekend
It is impossible to be certain but I reckon you have made the right choice about staying at work instead of taking redundancy. If things improve that is great and if you don't like the way things are - well I always feel that getting another job is much easier when you already have one.
Have a great weekend
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