ZeldaFan's post-relapse recovery journal
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 1,472
The New Year's break may have started out slow for me but the past two days have been very productive. I finally got my energy back yesterday and spent some time out of the house, did some healthy grocery shopping and cleaned the house and garage. I always feel more relaxed when things are in order so getting the last of the post-Christmas tidying up finished was nice. I relaxed the rest of the evening with a few random movies on Netflix and some tea. It was a nice mix of productive and relaxed.
Today, I finally saw Star Wars with my dad after rescheduling from being sick at the end of the week. We ended up hanging out and just chatting for hours after the movie which was nice. I don't get to spend as much time with my dad as I really should due to his work schedule and mine so I really enjoyed it. He understands my anxiety issues, my alcohol addiction and general feelings of loneliness more than my mother. She dismisses them as just things I'm making up for attention so I tend to avoid the topic around her. I had plans to do a few projects around the house today but was happy to let those slide in favor of spending time with my dad.
Work starts again for me tomorrow and I'm happy to be going into the week sober since I'm going to need a clear head going into this year. Lots of changes will be happening over the next six to eight months and I'm likely going to become rather unpopular with some people so I have to be prepared for that. All that said, it will be good to have my routine back again and officially have the holidays in the rear view mirror. The time off was nice and much needed given how much I slept but it's time to get back to structure.
A new week awaits and I hope everyone is doing well as we enter the first full week of the new year. For everyone starting out on your sober journey for the new year, be strong and know that you can do this!
Today, I finally saw Star Wars with my dad after rescheduling from being sick at the end of the week. We ended up hanging out and just chatting for hours after the movie which was nice. I don't get to spend as much time with my dad as I really should due to his work schedule and mine so I really enjoyed it. He understands my anxiety issues, my alcohol addiction and general feelings of loneliness more than my mother. She dismisses them as just things I'm making up for attention so I tend to avoid the topic around her. I had plans to do a few projects around the house today but was happy to let those slide in favor of spending time with my dad.
Work starts again for me tomorrow and I'm happy to be going into the week sober since I'm going to need a clear head going into this year. Lots of changes will be happening over the next six to eight months and I'm likely going to become rather unpopular with some people so I have to be prepared for that. All that said, it will be good to have my routine back again and officially have the holidays in the rear view mirror. The time off was nice and much needed given how much I slept but it's time to get back to structure.
A new week awaits and I hope everyone is doing well as we enter the first full week of the new year. For everyone starting out on your sober journey for the new year, be strong and know that you can do this!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 1,472
So hey everyone! It's been awhile since I've updated here and I'm afraid that's because today is day 1 again. I was immediately overwhelmed with the idea of everything I had coming up (no excuse for picking up a drink) and I stupidly decided I could have one the first Monday of the year.
Fast forward two lost weeks later and here I am back where I've been too many times now. This bender was a particularly bad one that resulted in some scary health scares by the end of the day yesterday. I've been watching myself very closely today to make sure everything is okay and I seem to be (for the most part and by the grace of God) in one piece. I have another appointment scheduled with my doctor just to double check everything.
So there it is. I'm always upfront on this site about my mess-ups so I figured this would be the best place to document it. Clearly, my current plan is not working. I need to dig up the links Dee puts out there at lot with tips for creating a plan. I'm sure it's not far since it gets posted in a lot of threads.
Just wanted to check in given I've been gone for awhile. I hope everyone has been having a better start to the year than me!
Fast forward two lost weeks later and here I am back where I've been too many times now. This bender was a particularly bad one that resulted in some scary health scares by the end of the day yesterday. I've been watching myself very closely today to make sure everything is okay and I seem to be (for the most part and by the grace of God) in one piece. I have another appointment scheduled with my doctor just to double check everything.
So there it is. I'm always upfront on this site about my mess-ups so I figured this would be the best place to document it. Clearly, my current plan is not working. I need to dig up the links Dee puts out there at lot with tips for creating a plan. I'm sure it's not far since it gets posted in a lot of threads.
Just wanted to check in given I've been gone for awhile. I hope everyone has been having a better start to the year than me!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 397
Hi Zelda!
I just found your thread and read every post. You are an excellent writer, open, honest, easy to read. I can relate to so many of your words. Including the empathy of seeing someone else buying booze and not yourself, which happened to me today and I wrote about on another thread.
I recently had a bad relapse myself. On New Years Day, which lasted for several days, caused lots of destruction, and was very hard to pull out of. I'm glad I'm back and glad you are here too. Keep writing, I'll keep reading
best wishes Zelda.
I just found your thread and read every post. You are an excellent writer, open, honest, easy to read. I can relate to so many of your words. Including the empathy of seeing someone else buying booze and not yourself, which happened to me today and I wrote about on another thread.
I recently had a bad relapse myself. On New Years Day, which lasted for several days, caused lots of destruction, and was very hard to pull out of. I'm glad I'm back and glad you are here too. Keep writing, I'll keep reading
best wishes Zelda.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Welcome back Zelda. I was sober at New Years and remember reading and enjoying your thread during those endless days of restlessness. Back here at Day 6 and I'm glad to see you back too.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 1,472
Wow, thanks for all the kind words everyone! I'm glad to know this journal has been helpful. Jemma and Obladi, we got this! No more relapses, no more excuses. As Purpleknight pointed out just above, we have to continue to hold ourselves accountable, check in daily and keep finding new forms of support.
My doctor was very helpful for me and then I let my communication with him slip and never found an addiction counselor like I was going to do when I got my new insurance this year. That's definitely happening after I see him again shortly. And absolutely, isolation is the worst and can quickly lead to dark places. I need to remember to stay active. Tomorrow I have to have a call with my supervisor who is very, very high up in the company to discuss my prolonged unscheduled absence. Not looking forward to that one.
My doctor was very helpful for me and then I let my communication with him slip and never found an addiction counselor like I was going to do when I got my new insurance this year. That's definitely happening after I see him again shortly. And absolutely, isolation is the worst and can quickly lead to dark places. I need to remember to stay active. Tomorrow I have to have a call with my supervisor who is very, very high up in the company to discuss my prolonged unscheduled absence. Not looking forward to that one.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Eastern Shore of Maryland
Posts: 486
Zeldafan, you got this.
We stopped drinking within a few days of each other back in 2013 and I have always found your posts and your attitude helpful.
Go back to the basics that Dee promotes in his posts. Keep your recovery simple and focus on what's important. You can do this.
We stopped drinking within a few days of each other back in 2013 and I have always found your posts and your attitude helpful.
Go back to the basics that Dee promotes in his posts. Keep your recovery simple and focus on what's important. You can do this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 1,472
Day 2 is down once again. As expected, last night was better than the one before and I managed to fall asleep without too much effort. However, in the middle of the night, I woke up covered in sweat having all sorts of strange dreams. Many of them were around food which was likely due to the fact I still hadn't eaten much. After a lot of on and off sleep, the alarm went off at 6:30 and it was back to it.
Throat was still scratchy in the morning thanks to two weeks of vomiting daily and smoking again due to drinking. That has improved throughout the day and my appetite quickly returned by mid afternoon. My eyes still look rough and my skin just feels gross so I look forward to that improving over the next few days.
I did speak with my supervisor today and, as expected, he had already been somewhat filled in by HR who figured out my issue about a year ago. I'm not entirely sure that was legal to be shared so I put that in my back pocket for potential future use. I explained the situation, my plan to get help and that I was working with a medical professional. I ensured him that I was dedicated to my health and to my profession. His dad also suffered from addiction so he seemed to understand the rough road I've been on. We also talked about a lot of work related stuff that was long overdue. The company is restructuring and I don't feel good about the direction it's going so we discussed what could be done to help with some of that. Good productive stuff mixed in with a very awkward conversation.
At the end of the day, I was starving, annoyed and borderline furious at some of the work emails I received at the end of the day but I took a deep breath, grabbed some food on the way home, settled in on the couch for a bit and got into bed.
A very up and down day for sure but here's to a better tomorrow. I will be going in late since I have to stop by my bank in the morning and then have a haircut that I rescheduled twice due to being too drunk to get there for the other two appointments. That should help me feel more refreshed as well as my hair is getting a bit out of control being a few weeks past my usual trim.
As always, thanks to everyone for their support. It's a rough road but we can do it if we stick together and work our plan. All the best to everyone!
Throat was still scratchy in the morning thanks to two weeks of vomiting daily and smoking again due to drinking. That has improved throughout the day and my appetite quickly returned by mid afternoon. My eyes still look rough and my skin just feels gross so I look forward to that improving over the next few days.
I did speak with my supervisor today and, as expected, he had already been somewhat filled in by HR who figured out my issue about a year ago. I'm not entirely sure that was legal to be shared so I put that in my back pocket for potential future use. I explained the situation, my plan to get help and that I was working with a medical professional. I ensured him that I was dedicated to my health and to my profession. His dad also suffered from addiction so he seemed to understand the rough road I've been on. We also talked about a lot of work related stuff that was long overdue. The company is restructuring and I don't feel good about the direction it's going so we discussed what could be done to help with some of that. Good productive stuff mixed in with a very awkward conversation.
At the end of the day, I was starving, annoyed and borderline furious at some of the work emails I received at the end of the day but I took a deep breath, grabbed some food on the way home, settled in on the couch for a bit and got into bed.
A very up and down day for sure but here's to a better tomorrow. I will be going in late since I have to stop by my bank in the morning and then have a haircut that I rescheduled twice due to being too drunk to get there for the other two appointments. That should help me feel more refreshed as well as my hair is getting a bit out of control being a few weeks past my usual trim.
As always, thanks to everyone for their support. It's a rough road but we can do it if we stick together and work our plan. All the best to everyone!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 1,472
Day 2 continued. I just got off the phone from an hour long work call that I most definitely would not have been remotely conscious for had I not stopped drinking a few days ago. Thank you sobriety for that one!
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Zelda, I'm right there with you.
I used to deal with HR stuff, and if my recollection is collect, your employer is required to offer/accommodate assistance if you have disclosed your condition and are seeking help. You might want to do a little reading up on that.
The hour long work call at (after!) the end of a trying day must have been a pain in the behind, but isn't it great to know you were in shape to handle it!
I used to deal with HR stuff, and if my recollection is collect, your employer is required to offer/accommodate assistance if you have disclosed your condition and are seeking help. You might want to do a little reading up on that.
The hour long work call at (after!) the end of a trying day must have been a pain in the behind, but isn't it great to know you were in shape to handle it!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 1,472
Thanks Obladi. I'm definitely going to look into covering my bases on the HR front. After the call, I had some additional work to do related to handling an issue and was able to get it done before heading to bed tonight. It definitely feels good to be clear headed and able to work late when needed knowing I will be sober, prepared and ready to face the day tomorrow!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Down Under
Posts: 400
Originally Posted by ZeldaFan 
So hey everyone! It's been awhile since I've updated here and I'm afraid that's because today is day 1 again. I was immediately overwhelmed with the idea of everything I had coming up (no excuse for picking up a drink) and I stupidly decided I could have one the first Monday of the year.
Fast forward two lost weeks later and here I am back where I've been too many times now. This bender was a particularly bad one that resulted in some scary health scares by the end of the day yesterday. I've been watching myself very closely today to make sure everything is okay and I seem to be (for the most part and by the grace of God) in one piece. I have another appointment scheduled with my doctor just to double check everything.
So there it is. I'm always upfront on this site about my mess-ups so I figured this would be the best place to document it. Clearly, my current plan is not working. I need to dig up the links Dee puts out there at lot with tips for creating a plan. I'm sure it's not far since it gets posted in a lot of threads.
Just wanted to check in given I've been gone for awhile. I hope everyone has been having a better start to the year than me!
Fast forward two lost weeks later and here I am back where I've been too many times now. This bender was a particularly bad one that resulted in some scary health scares by the end of the day yesterday. I've been watching myself very closely today to make sure everything is okay and I seem to be (for the most part and by the grace of God) in one piece. I have another appointment scheduled with my doctor just to double check everything.
So there it is. I'm always upfront on this site about my mess-ups so I figured this would be the best place to document it. Clearly, my current plan is not working. I need to dig up the links Dee puts out there at lot with tips for creating a plan. I'm sure it's not far since it gets posted in a lot of threads.
Just wanted to check in given I've been gone for awhile. I hope everyone has been having a better start to the year than me!
Don't give up.
Everyday is a NEW day.
Keep posting
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
ZeldaFan, glad you are posting and starting to keep this going again.
If you can, try to post every morning before you head off for work. Even if it's just a minute to commit to the day.
Then after work to remind yourself how much better the day is sober.
Good luck with the job. And remember, there is nothing better than staying sober to have in your back pocket.
It looks like you quit posting after a week last time you started this thread. Don't take any days off. Whenever you feel overwhelmed and your AV is starting to get to you, come here first and talk about it.
Glad you are back.
If you can, try to post every morning before you head off for work. Even if it's just a minute to commit to the day.
Then after work to remind yourself how much better the day is sober.
Good luck with the job. And remember, there is nothing better than staying sober to have in your back pocket.
It looks like you quit posting after a week last time you started this thread. Don't take any days off. Whenever you feel overwhelmed and your AV is starting to get to you, come here first and talk about it.
Glad you are back.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 1,472
Good morning Brian. I like the idea of the morning and evening thread check-ins. So to kick off the tradition for day 3, I am currently sitting in a restaurant having just enjoyed a wonderful breakfast burrito while I wait for it to be time for my haircut. Looking in the mirror this morning, things were starting to look better already but the hair really needs help, haha. I've already got some work done today as well thanks to the advent of modern technology and my iPad. Have a good day all!
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