Here I am again with the wine
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
Hi Mera:
Great advice above. I am not going to tell you anything that you already know. I am just posting to let you know that I am with you here supporting you, you are not alone. You say you don't have anybody to talk to but you do have your entire SR family ad there is always someone here.
I am interested in your story, in what you have to say and in you and I truly hope that you can succeed but as you know you hold all the cards and the ball is in your court. We can cheer, give you advice, everything you need from us but this is completely up to you .
Everything is going to be OK and things will work out, the only thing that will for sur make everything worse, is drinking.
Don't forget we are here.
Great advice above. I am not going to tell you anything that you already know. I am just posting to let you know that I am with you here supporting you, you are not alone. You say you don't have anybody to talk to but you do have your entire SR family ad there is always someone here.
I am interested in your story, in what you have to say and in you and I truly hope that you can succeed but as you know you hold all the cards and the ball is in your court. We can cheer, give you advice, everything you need from us but this is completely up to you .
Everything is going to be OK and things will work out, the only thing that will for sur make everything worse, is drinking.
Don't forget we are here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
ok, that was truly obnoxious and cringe-worthy to read. I did have some water and I did go to bed. I woke up periodically throughout the night and had brief seconds of hope "oh god tell me it was just a dream" but reality set in quickly and I would go back to tossing and turning to try and sleep again.
The only way I know to make myself feel better and put a stop to what could become a continued bender is to be as productive as possible the day after. So I woke up about 7, though i stayed in bed for a while. I'm now having coffee and checking in here, then will check emails and work related stuff. I have an appointment at the gym at 9:45, then will come home and clean my house top to bottom, do massive amounts of work and find something complicated and absolutely delicious to make my kids for dinner.
I do have two English lessons today which I am considering canceling. It is not the most responsible thing to do, but I am concerned about my patience levels working with kids.
I didn't see my children yesterday. THey were scheduled to spend the night with their father anyway, but I do like to get them from school and stay with them until he gets home from work instead of leaving them with the nanny he has employed. She picked them up from school and I didn't go to see them because I didn't want them to see me drunk.
Once I get through today I need to figure out how to deal with this absolute rage I have towards this man. I am going to have to find a way to let this go because my feelings towards him and this business drama have been the source of my most recent relapses. The money I paid to cover the clients was all I had. For one of my main works I do I get paid once a year and that was my full pay and then some. That was my money for the year and it is gone. I have English lessons and a few things here and there that will provide me with some income but I am afraid about how I am going to cover my expenses.
I do not think that we will go forward with the lawyer for a large chunk of the clients money. It is complicated, but it is best not to have all of their financial stuff out and about. I need to write this off as a loss and find a way to move on.
I can now consider if I want to go to the "work police" not sure what they are called in English, and try to get my money back without involving any clients at all. Technically he had me working for him in the black as we never had a contract. And work I did. I also gave up other opportunities in order to concentrate fully not he business. I can ask for a full time salary for the period that we worked together. I have plenty of evidence via emails, Skype chats, SMS messages, etc proving the large amount of work I put into this.
I don't know if I can handle the stress of it though. I honestly don't know which would be better for my ATTEMPTED (FFS!) sobriety or my mental health- to go on full attack mode and get what I am due, or to write it off and try to forgive and move on. My ex tells me to move on and think of the money as payment of a life experience school. He says I have to think of it as buying knowledge so as to not make the same mistakes again. That is easy for him to say from the helm of his sailing yacht, meanwhile I am creaming my pants over a .19 cent discount on a bag of pasta……
More coffee then gym. I'd apologize, ask for forgiveness, cry, what have you, but everyone, including myself, is tired of the empty words. I've just got to get to it.
The only way I know to make myself feel better and put a stop to what could become a continued bender is to be as productive as possible the day after. So I woke up about 7, though i stayed in bed for a while. I'm now having coffee and checking in here, then will check emails and work related stuff. I have an appointment at the gym at 9:45, then will come home and clean my house top to bottom, do massive amounts of work and find something complicated and absolutely delicious to make my kids for dinner.
I do have two English lessons today which I am considering canceling. It is not the most responsible thing to do, but I am concerned about my patience levels working with kids.
I didn't see my children yesterday. THey were scheduled to spend the night with their father anyway, but I do like to get them from school and stay with them until he gets home from work instead of leaving them with the nanny he has employed. She picked them up from school and I didn't go to see them because I didn't want them to see me drunk.
Once I get through today I need to figure out how to deal with this absolute rage I have towards this man. I am going to have to find a way to let this go because my feelings towards him and this business drama have been the source of my most recent relapses. The money I paid to cover the clients was all I had. For one of my main works I do I get paid once a year and that was my full pay and then some. That was my money for the year and it is gone. I have English lessons and a few things here and there that will provide me with some income but I am afraid about how I am going to cover my expenses.
I do not think that we will go forward with the lawyer for a large chunk of the clients money. It is complicated, but it is best not to have all of their financial stuff out and about. I need to write this off as a loss and find a way to move on.
I can now consider if I want to go to the "work police" not sure what they are called in English, and try to get my money back without involving any clients at all. Technically he had me working for him in the black as we never had a contract. And work I did. I also gave up other opportunities in order to concentrate fully not he business. I can ask for a full time salary for the period that we worked together. I have plenty of evidence via emails, Skype chats, SMS messages, etc proving the large amount of work I put into this.
I don't know if I can handle the stress of it though. I honestly don't know which would be better for my ATTEMPTED (FFS!) sobriety or my mental health- to go on full attack mode and get what I am due, or to write it off and try to forgive and move on. My ex tells me to move on and think of the money as payment of a life experience school. He says I have to think of it as buying knowledge so as to not make the same mistakes again. That is easy for him to say from the helm of his sailing yacht, meanwhile I am creaming my pants over a .19 cent discount on a bag of pasta……
More coffee then gym. I'd apologize, ask for forgiveness, cry, what have you, but everyone, including myself, is tired of the empty words. I've just got to get to it.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
Welcome back Mera 
There's a pretty good thread on anger going on over here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...eal-anger.html
D
There's a pretty good thread on anger going on over here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...eal-anger.html
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Originally Posted by feeling-good 
(((Mera))) FWIW I would accept some financial help from your ex, but that's just me. I hope today goes well for you 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Oh I do know that, I am fully aware that I am making my own decision and that the choice I have made is one that is possibly not the wisest. But for now it is what I feel most comfortable with. I would never, ever let my children suffer or go without. If I get to the point that I cannot afford food or heat I will certainly ask their father and I have no doubt that he will help. I am not starving, I am just nervous. I don't buy things for myself ever. I do, or have in the past buy wine- I feel like if I am spending money on that I don't really have any right to ask for outside help. I'm just rambling now. In any case, yes, Pride hurts.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Mare Crisium
Posts: 1,930
Mera,
Take it from someone who knows.
Anger can set free the ole' AV. Only an excuse, not even a trigger.
I'm seen anger, euphoria, every feeling known to man, set mine off
in the past, at some point or another.
Then the day came where it got set off for absolutely no reason at all.
This is progression. Downhill progression.
Catch it now before that point.
Take it from someone who knows.
Anger can set free the ole' AV. Only an excuse, not even a trigger.
I'm seen anger, euphoria, every feeling known to man, set mine off
in the past, at some point or another.
Then the day came where it got set off for absolutely no reason at all.
This is progression. Downhill progression.
Catch it now before that point.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 507
Hi Mera,
I'm glad to see that you're looking to bounce back quickly from what happened yesterday.
I don't know how you're coping with the events of yesterday, but I hope you'll read through all the posts you made and really think hard about them. Definitely not to beat yourself up about the drinking, but to look at what you were saying about yourself. The really quite shocking self-loathing that shone through. As I posted last night, you wouldn't treat anyone else on here the way you were treating yourself.
Part of that would have been the alcohol talking, but it felt to me like more than that. If you set impossibly high standards for yourself, it's going to be impossible to meet them, and it seems one of the ways you beat yourself up about your perceived "failures" is to drink. Because the other thing that shone through was that at no point during your drinking yesterday did you think it was a good idea. It didn't feel like you enjoyed it, or got some benefit, then the regrets kicked in. You were beating yourself up about it the moment you started.
Please excuse me if this sounds like "amateur psychiatry" here, but it does kind of feel that everything is tied together. You say you've always worked hard and don't want to have anything handed to you. But you worked very, very, very hard for the money you were meant to receive. And a thief stole it. Illegally. And you went out of the way to make sure the other victims of this criminal got their money back, which you weren't legally obliged to do but you felt was the honourable thing to do.
Which part of this is you behaving badly? You trusted someone who was a crook. You aren't the first, and won't be the last. If this happened to a close friend of yours, would you look to help them or heap scorn on them? If they turned to a wealthy ex to lend them money till they get back on their feet, and to help support his children during a difficult time, would you look down on them? Would you think less of them, or would you think they were doing the right thing for themselves and their children while dealing with a tough situation that wasn't their fault? Again, I suspect the only person who would look down on you for doing this is you.
Right now, it feels to me your number one priority has to be to stay sober. What are your triggers? Anger is clearly one. And since you have a lot of excellent reasons to be angry, and they aren't going to go away quickly, you clearly need to find another way to deal with that.
But another trigger appears to be from the stress of trying to meet the high standards you've set for yourself. And that's something I think you can do something about. By treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding I've seen you treating others. Do unto yourself as you would do unto others.
I don't know if any of this makes sense, and huge apologies if I've stepped over the line in any way. I'm just hoping you'll be able to accept yourself as someone who does work hard, who does care about other people, who is generous, who does want to do the right thing, who does sometimes make mistakes but can forgive herself and move on. Who can accept help when she needs it, the same way she offers help to those who need it. You're a good person, Mera, I really hope you manage to turn things around and find the true happiness you deserve.
I'm glad to see that you're looking to bounce back quickly from what happened yesterday.
I don't know how you're coping with the events of yesterday, but I hope you'll read through all the posts you made and really think hard about them. Definitely not to beat yourself up about the drinking, but to look at what you were saying about yourself. The really quite shocking self-loathing that shone through. As I posted last night, you wouldn't treat anyone else on here the way you were treating yourself.
Part of that would have been the alcohol talking, but it felt to me like more than that. If you set impossibly high standards for yourself, it's going to be impossible to meet them, and it seems one of the ways you beat yourself up about your perceived "failures" is to drink. Because the other thing that shone through was that at no point during your drinking yesterday did you think it was a good idea. It didn't feel like you enjoyed it, or got some benefit, then the regrets kicked in. You were beating yourself up about it the moment you started.
Please excuse me if this sounds like "amateur psychiatry" here, but it does kind of feel that everything is tied together. You say you've always worked hard and don't want to have anything handed to you. But you worked very, very, very hard for the money you were meant to receive. And a thief stole it. Illegally. And you went out of the way to make sure the other victims of this criminal got their money back, which you weren't legally obliged to do but you felt was the honourable thing to do.
Which part of this is you behaving badly? You trusted someone who was a crook. You aren't the first, and won't be the last. If this happened to a close friend of yours, would you look to help them or heap scorn on them? If they turned to a wealthy ex to lend them money till they get back on their feet, and to help support his children during a difficult time, would you look down on them? Would you think less of them, or would you think they were doing the right thing for themselves and their children while dealing with a tough situation that wasn't their fault? Again, I suspect the only person who would look down on you for doing this is you.
Right now, it feels to me your number one priority has to be to stay sober. What are your triggers? Anger is clearly one. And since you have a lot of excellent reasons to be angry, and they aren't going to go away quickly, you clearly need to find another way to deal with that.
But another trigger appears to be from the stress of trying to meet the high standards you've set for yourself. And that's something I think you can do something about. By treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding I've seen you treating others. Do unto yourself as you would do unto others.
I don't know if any of this makes sense, and huge apologies if I've stepped over the line in any way. I'm just hoping you'll be able to accept yourself as someone who does work hard, who does care about other people, who is generous, who does want to do the right thing, who does sometimes make mistakes but can forgive herself and move on. Who can accept help when she needs it, the same way she offers help to those who need it. You're a good person, Mera, I really hope you manage to turn things around and find the true happiness you deserve.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
You are raising the kids, you deserve alimony. It's not surrendering anything it's just fair play. I know very wealthy women taking alimony/maintenance cash off guys that have to work two or three jobs to afford it. The view of the courts and the women is that you are putting your time, prospects etc on the line and it's just reasonable that the guy helps out. My ex wife is very comfortable and I pay her money each month. She will be on my case if it is even one day late. And I don't resent that, it's fair, she is bringing up our son. IMHO you don't give any ground when you accept what is fair and reasonable. If you did agree a monthly payment with your ex it may even soften your anger towards him in time and be a win win, both wins yours.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Originally Posted by ubntubnt
. If you did agree a monthly payment with your ex it may even soften your anger towards him in time and be a win win, both wins yours.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Thank you for your kind words OpenTuning, they have brought tears to my eyes and you most certainly were not out of line with offering them. I need to think about what you have said. I believe it is true that I hold myself to high standards but I don't really know how to be any other way. I cannot imagine right now lowering my standards and feeling good or comfortable with that.
I do know that sometimes I am writing stuff about myself and then I think- I actually do- "what if what I am writing about myself makes someone else here reading feel bad about themselves because they are doing things differently?" and I feel really bad. I would never, ever use the same judgements I use on myself with other people- anyone.
I do, and this is a separate issue (I think), tend to be nonjudgmental but then I also get very hurt when people do not behave the way I would. For example I am very, very angry with my ex business partner and just cannot even wrap my mind around how someone can sleep at night having stolen. I just can't. I also get hurt if say I try to make friends here and someone doesn't call me or reach out or if someone behaves in a way that is different from what I would do. If ever someone called me or reached out and was in need I would drop everything to help them. Sometimes people don't do that for me. My very best friend who is in the US so unfortunately I cannot turn to her as often as I would like due to time differences and physical distance, has told me that I have a problem with expecting that everyone would/will react to a situation like I would. I then get very hurt and let down when they don't. She says that it doesn't mean those people are bad or less than, it is just they are different and that I will continually face disappointment and hurt unless I can learn to accept that others won't be as full in as I would be.
For example I have tired to reach out to others here locally and just feel they do not care. I forget that maybe I am a very heavy person to deal with at times or maybe I get on people's nerves or maybe they have their own stuff going on and are looking out for their own wellness/mental health and cannot focus their energy on me. I need to learn to let go of those expectations and just accept what is offered. I cannot judge the value of someone's friendship based on my own personal standards of how I would be a friend or offer support in a given situation.
Anyway, I have a lot of work to do, that is evident.
I do know that sometimes I am writing stuff about myself and then I think- I actually do- "what if what I am writing about myself makes someone else here reading feel bad about themselves because they are doing things differently?" and I feel really bad. I would never, ever use the same judgements I use on myself with other people- anyone.
I do, and this is a separate issue (I think), tend to be nonjudgmental but then I also get very hurt when people do not behave the way I would. For example I am very, very angry with my ex business partner and just cannot even wrap my mind around how someone can sleep at night having stolen. I just can't. I also get hurt if say I try to make friends here and someone doesn't call me or reach out or if someone behaves in a way that is different from what I would do. If ever someone called me or reached out and was in need I would drop everything to help them. Sometimes people don't do that for me. My very best friend who is in the US so unfortunately I cannot turn to her as often as I would like due to time differences and physical distance, has told me that I have a problem with expecting that everyone would/will react to a situation like I would. I then get very hurt and let down when they don't. She says that it doesn't mean those people are bad or less than, it is just they are different and that I will continually face disappointment and hurt unless I can learn to accept that others won't be as full in as I would be.
For example I have tired to reach out to others here locally and just feel they do not care. I forget that maybe I am a very heavy person to deal with at times or maybe I get on people's nerves or maybe they have their own stuff going on and are looking out for their own wellness/mental health and cannot focus their energy on me. I need to learn to let go of those expectations and just accept what is offered. I cannot judge the value of someone's friendship based on my own personal standards of how I would be a friend or offer support in a given situation.
Anyway, I have a lot of work to do, that is evident.
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
Welcome back mera. I'm glad to see you back. You have a tough decision to make. Some times it's best to walk away with your sanity. Other times it gives you strength in the fight. Everyone is different so do what's best for you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
