Bunny211

So I made it this far. 6.5 months. I've been doing all the right things. I have a strong sponsor. I hit my knees in the morning and at night. I'm working the program. I attend meetings regularly. I have a home group and a job. I am working the steps. I am currently on my 4th step.

Up until about 2 weeks ago I had the "pink cloud." I made it through rehab, got into sober living, got a little "get well job" for a few months, began exercising and trying to eat healthy, taking vitamins etc. I felt a surge of gratitute to God for giving me another shot at life. But....it seems like I have lost that cloud and the rains are setting in. My get well job was going fine but I was NOT making enough $$ to pay my bills. So, I got a full time 40/hr a week gig in my career field. It's stressful but ok. It's just that lately I take no pleasure in anything. My life feels like drudgery. Get up, call my sponsor, go to work, go to a meeting, come home, pray, go to bed...repeat ad infinitum. I have no passion or interest in anything. I have to force myself to get through my day....I keep trudging along, head into the wind and I feel really ******. More anger than sadness. I wake up every morning in a foul mood. I pray and ask God to redirect my thinking. But I feel nothing. I feel no connection to my higher power. I've started exploring different churches and lately, I get nothing out of church. No feelings whatsoever. I am not looking forward to Xmas. And usually I DO look forward to the holidays because I get to see my little god-daughter. But even that brings me no joy now. It's just a chore. Life feels like a chore.

I'm getting scared that I am majorly depressed or something. I feel like an empty shell of a person with no passions, hobbies or interests. The only relief I look forward to is sleep. I feel moments punctuated by laughter and joy...but they are fleeting and then they are gone. I'm scared that I am slipping into an abyss.

I should mention a few things. My thyroid levels are very, very low and they have upped my medication to fix that. So, I am feeling tired and rundown to begin with. I've been dealing with a painful rash for 2 months (saw 3 different docs with 3 different diagnoses) that will not go away. Now they think it is related to the thyroid condition. Also, over Thanksgiving my father was in the hospital for 5 days, came out, and was re-admitted for another 3. I spent my holiday in the hospital visiting him. They finally found what was wrong and he is fine now. Plus my entire family drinks and Thanksgiving was just plain miserable for me. I really didn't feel, at the time, like that affected me so much but maybe it did and I just didn't recognize it?

Now, I am on my 4th step and my sponsor says that it is normal to feel this way when writing one's 4th. But I was going over some of my resentments with her yesterday and she asked me why I was not crying. She said when she went over her part in things with her sponsor she was bawling. I'm not. And, a lot of things I know I SHOULD feel guilty about I just don't. Some of my actions in the past seem, to me, to be "not that big of a deal." That makes me feel like I am some sort of defective sociopath or something. Like, why am I not sad? I will say, however, that I am VERY angry all the time. Little things make me fly off the handle....like someone cutting me off in traffic. I only express this rage alone...never in front of people. But, I have been known to have a temper tantrum in my car, screaming and slamming my fists etc.

I rarely cry. I just don't. And if I do it is usually out of frustration. I'm not crying because of the things I've done in the past. I feel like I am still crying because I am sad about the state of my life. And, I feel like this is the wrong way to feel. I just feel like I am doing something wrong, here and even more concerning to me is that I am slipping into a horrible depression.

Anna

I'm sorry you're going through a tough time. I don't use AA, but I don't think someone should tell you that you 'should' cry at a specific point in your recovery or not. We are all individuals and we all process and deal with things a little bit differently. I know I had a lot of issues with guilt and regret, but I felt like my mind worked through those at its own pace. I worked through my intense anger, by journaling. It helped me enormously. Try to not put expectations on yourself and your feelings. And, congratulations on almost 7 months of recovery.

Would you consider varying your daily routine a bit so it doesn't feel like each day is the same? The thing that helped me get past the sad/angry feelings was volunteer work. It pushed me to get outside of myself and gave me something to feel good about.

JD

Have you ever seen a dr. for depression? You may want to have that checked out. The symptoms you have could indicate that, but I'm in no position to diagnose that.

Bunny211

Thanks folks. Yes, I have had depression in the past and was on medication for it. I stopped taking all anti-depressants around the time I got sober and have had no need for them since. I did hit a slump like this around 3 months sober and it did pass so I am hopeful.

Anna - Yes, I would love to volunteer. One thing I am interested in is working with the elderly. My sponsor is having me keep things very simple and doesn't want me to take on too much at once though. We shall see.

TY

jaynie04

Hi Bunny. I hit a similar bump around the same time. I think it was PAWS for me.

I found that time to be the most difficult, because while the initial shock of just being sober began to wear off I still had not begun to build a new life for myself. I was eating a lot of unhealthy food, not exercising and just felt flat and blah. I have noticed from my time here that this is not an uncommon phase.

Just as alcoholism is progressive, in my opinion, so is sobriety. It takes time (I know I hated that word too) and patience. I am not AA but I think there is a saying "don't do something, just sit there".

Being uncomfortable, or bored, or anxious without doing something about it took practice. But it gets easier and easier. You have a lot going on in your life, and a chronic nagging physical irritant can be really exhausting.

You might not see it but it sounds like you are doing amazingly well. I decided early on that if I did nothing else I was going to stay sober, come hell or high water. I knew what drinking would bring, and there was no positive scenario. I figured as long as I was not drinking things had to change, and they did.

The first year is the hardest. I was out of shape, my house was still a mess, friendships had stalled, I hated socializing without alcohol. Two and a half years later all of those things have improved dramatically. Most of all, I like who I am again. And the tough times I struggled through have made my sobriety all the more precious to me.

I never want to get sober again. The drinking part of my life is over, and when I began to look forward instead of backward things started to improve. I am sure other AA members will lend their thoughts on your sponsor's reaction. But I believe that this is your journey, and while a sponsor's job is to guide you through the steps, I don't believe it is their job to take your moral temperature. Your history is yours, and you are entitled to view it as you see fit. I would feel angry and frustrated if I was being judged for not have a "proper emotional response". While she may be well meaning, she is human, and that means she comes with her own set of issues.

It won't feel like this forever. You are well on your way, and while I think we envision major battles when we first get sober (like your first Thanksgiving), sometimes it is the low level anxious day to day that is the hardest. Give yourself a pat on the back, you are doing great!!

biminiblue

I think you are doing great!

When my thyroid was out of whack I couldn't pull up either. Give yourself some time to even out. I also agree with Anna and Jaynie that your sponsor doesn't have a right to tell you how to feel. I worked through things at my own pace and continue to do so when needed.

Life isn't always exciting or interesting. There's a lot of trudge involved. I'll take the trudge over the high-drama and fear during my drinking.

Bunny211

Thanks everyone. I am working on gratitude.

I am so grateful that I am no longer drinking 18 drinks just to get through a day.

I am grateful I am not covered in bruises from having seizures and slamming my head against the coffee table, wall or whatever else happened to be there at the time.

I am grateful I can work today.

I am grateful I am no longer constantly nauseated and vomiting blood.

I am grateful that I am not awake at 3am shaking and sweating and in desperate need of a drink.

Sometimes it is so easy to forget how BAD it really was!

Soberwolf

Good on you for volunteering

tomsteve

sponsors are to guide,give suggestions, and allow us to live even if they dont agree with our choices.its not their job to determine what our simple is.

although ive cried in recovery, during the 4th and 5th werent two of the times.

OpenTuning

Hi Bunny,

I'm sorry you're feeling so low right now.

I'm not an AA person, so I'll apologise now in case there's something I'm misunderstanding about the process involved. But how qualified is your sponsor to be questioning how your emotions are reacting to a particular step, and to be telling you what you should or shouldn't do in your life (like volunteer work), especially after 7 months sobriety? You're now wondering if you might be a sociopath because you aren't crying enough, and are living a life you are currently taking no pleasure in, when voluntary work with the elderly might help break you out of that feeling of being in a rut.

If this was a friend saying these things, rather than your sponsor, my first thought would be to ignore them and make an appointment with a professional counsellor to talk these things through instead. This isn't meant as knocking your sponsor, who I'm sure means well. Or AA itself, which sounds like it's really helped you. I'm just not sure if you're getting the absolute best advice there.

Surrender2win

Keep your head up. Gratitude is a wonderful thing. When I feel like giving up, I try and remember all the bad times as well. That's something that I NEVER want to have back. You can do this!