3arai

Ugh.
I've been here before, I've joined this website under different names and had different "first sober days".

This is embarassing to admit but today I feel absolutely at bottom. I drank before work and couldn't go in, and I really needed today. I have a payment due on Tuesday. I started drinking before work occassionally about 4 years ago then it became more frequent. I have fallen into a pattern of sleeping so poorly because of alcohol and having massive anxiety to the point that I "can't" go to work without doing a shot or two first. My days have no structure to them at all. Time flies when everything is bad.

I was evicted from my apartment 6 months ago and since then I have been living in the basement apartment of a family's home. I pay them once a month in cash. I have a ton of stuff to pull together before I can get my own lease.

I'm 39 years old. I work as a waitress even though I have a college degree. I have racked up a ton of debt over the past two years and I need to honor my payment arrangements which I need to stay sober in order to do. I don't have a husband or children and my parents and siblings are very sick of me.

So I am really struggling. My last drink was today at 12 pm my time, now it's 4. I just texted a woman I met in AA a couple of months ago so maybe she will talk to me. I just wanted to get all this typed out. My feelings of shame and despair are awful.

least

Welcome to the family. I hope the support here can help you as much as it's helped me.

amber1988

Hi 3arai

I didn't want to just read and run. I'm new to recovery and this site so I don't have much wisdom to offer you, but I know that coming here and posting is a great move. I also have debts and I also have a degree and am working well below my skillset, so I identify with you. Well done for coming here and hopefully some other more experienced folk will be along very soon with some advice for you. Sending much sympathy to you! Amber

airwick

Don't feel "shameful", Unloading your emotions to someone is a step in the positive direction.

Things can only move forward from this point

JK130

You have a lot of living left to do! And you can be free of shame and despair as you say goodbye to alcohol. You can do this!

JD

Welcome 3arai. That's lot of support and great people here to help you.

trachemys

Hi Sarai! We can help with the mental aspects. We've been there before.

SoberLeigh

Nice to see you, 3arai.

You are young and can turn your situation around.

You mentioned AA; have you used AA to its fullest (attended meetings regularly and worked the steps)?

Bettalife

I understand I'm going through very similar things at the moment, feeling for you

Fabat50

Please don't feel that you need to change names every time you have a set back. People here can help you more of they get familiar with who you are and your journey and not just the odd one off post under different names.
I am not in a position to offer you advice being a newbie here. But I just wanted to say you are not alone. The community here will help you.
I think you know that all your problems... a home.. your debts... family... all boil down to your problem with alcohol. Start to tackle that and eventually the other things will fall into place one by one, naturally.

PurpleKnight

Welcome back!!

tammygirl

I completely understand. I, as well, came here under many names endless times. Make today your first day and don't worry about tomorrow. I used to drink like you and end up with massive anxiety to the point that I could not go anywhere and would stay home to "nurse" my anxiety. It's a never ending cycle. For me, I could never pick up that first beer...EVER. Stay one here and read, and read and read. Hugs to you and you can do this.

3arai

Thank you for all these wonderful responses everyone.

SoberLeigh- I would say no I haven't.

So... my AA friend called me and we talked for about 30 minutes. We are going to meet in a couple of hours and go to a meeting together. After talking with her I decided to put together a list of meetings to attend weekly.

I'll post more later tonight. Thanks guys

Dee74

Welcome 3arai

A good recovery plan really is invaluable - these are my two favourite links on making plans - read though them and see what you think

https://store.samhsa.gov/shin/conten...SMA12-4474.pdf
https://store.samhsa.gov/shin/conten...0/SMA-3720.pdf

I second this

We all understand here - there's no need to be embarrassed

D

Bronte39

Welcome back 3arai. I'm also 39 and this is my first go at quitting - better late than never I suppose. Looking forward to hearing about your journey and how you make out at AA. I'm considering attending my first meeting this Friday as that is when I will be on holidays and when my anxiety will probably rear its ugly face.

sugarbear1

Glad you are here! It's a great idea to commit to a specific number of meetings a week as well as working those steps, too! Those steps saved my life!!!

Chrissy58

Welcome.

We are here to encourage you and support you.

Glad you are going to your meeting tonight.

CelticZebra

No need to feel shamed or embarrassed here, we're all just at different points on our journeys. Glad to have to aboard an hope your meetings go well.
Keep on keeping on

Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself

Mountainmanbob

Welcome back and I can assure you that for over 90 % of the ones who sober up and stay sober things (life) get's much better. But, you know that.

AA has been of great benefit for many sober today ones. I don't have to go to AA today so as to stay sober but, why not continue in the Program that has helped me so very much ?

MB

Hevyn

Hi 3arai. I'm really happy you came here to talk things over. We all understand how you're feeling. Here's where the misery can end. You sound ready to do this, and we know you can. 39 is so young - you can turn this all around.