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Friendship?

Old 12-13-2015, 11:13 AM
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Friendship?

I met with my lovely friend today, we go back years and she's very important to me. These days we only get together a few times a year.
Strangely, during lunch she asked me to have a drink with her, I said "no I'm not drinking now", she proceeded to almost plead with me to have a drink............ very odd.
I dealt with it and my final "no" must have sounded firm enough as she went with me as I changed the subject. Now I'm guessing all sorts of things, she's worried about her drinking? She likes me better as a drunk? Sober folk are threatening?
We chatted and seemed to enjoy each other as much as ever, I hope so anyway.
Ah well a good flex of my sober muscles I guess.
Any thoughts?

thanks
x
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Old 12-13-2015, 11:17 AM
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I find that true friends will end up supporting me in doing what is best for my own well-being. Good job on saying no and taking care of yourself!
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Old 12-13-2015, 11:19 AM
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Maybe she wanted to have one and wanted company?

Who really knows, but you handled it wonderfully!
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Old 12-13-2015, 11:52 AM
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I've only been through this once or twice. They might be threatened, concerned with their own drinking, in denial, etc. I have absolutely no business evaluating some else's motivations for asking me to drink, or analyzing their consumption habits unless asked explicitely to do so.

It sounds like both the friendship and your recovery are built on a solid foundation. I wouldn't worry too much about it, particularly if you went on and had a good afternoon afterward. No sense in future tripping or expending energy on something you don't KNOW to be an issue.

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Old 12-13-2015, 11:52 AM
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I reflected on this a minute, and remembered...if I was fixin to get my toot on, a non-drinking friend wouldn't have bugged me as long as there was at least one drinking partner also (like group of three or more). Just me and the non, no good. Put a highlight on my feeling that alcohol was the key ingredient for a good time.

What I REALLY liked was a friend who had it worse than me. Then I could write them into the role of "bad influence" and just go for it!
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Old 12-13-2015, 12:05 PM
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Great job on pushing through!!

. . . as a friend she needs to accept your Sobriety though!!
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Old 12-13-2015, 12:07 PM
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Does your friend know you are in recovery, or just not drinking?
Good job standing your ground.
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Old 12-13-2015, 12:12 PM
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Who knows?

The main thing is that you stayed focused and got through it.
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Old 12-13-2015, 12:13 PM
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Good for you sticking to your guns, FarToGo!

Originally Posted by FarToGo View Post
Now I'm guessing all sorts of things, she's worried about her drinking? She likes me better as a drunk? Sober folk are threatening?

x
Guessing can be quite unrewarding.

Some people think that "only alcoholics drink alone". Or anything else.

If she likes you better when you are drunk , then she is not YOUR friend, but more of a friend of your addictive alter-ego.

I'd say drunk folks are way more threatening. Sober folks may be pain in the a$$$ of other people's delusions, but, oh well.

If she is your true friend, no way sobriety will stand in the way of your friendship.

Keep up good sobriety job.
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Old 12-13-2015, 12:20 PM
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Nice gun show (another metaphor on the flexing metaphor) , just the lunch one would expect with at least one nondrinker , keep flexing you're in great shape
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Old 12-13-2015, 12:42 PM
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Awesome flexing those sober muscles
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Old 12-13-2015, 02:59 PM
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I've heard it reported that among the "normie" category of humans, having an alcoholic drink together often serves as a sort of social ritual, is regarded as a sign of friendship offered and received, and can even have absolutely nothing to do with drinking until intoxicated.

Go figure.

Seriously, I wouldn't overthink the issue. It's like if you wanted a coffee after lunch and invited your friend to have a cup with you, and felt perplexed when she turned you down.

If your friend knows nothing of your struggles with alcohol or your efforts in recovery, I can see no reason to suspect anything ominous about her request or her reaction to your turn-down.

As others have said, the important thing is that you handled it gracefully and didn't drink.
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Old 12-13-2015, 03:30 PM
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Originally Posted by FarToGo View Post
I met with my lovely friend today, we go back years and she's very important to me. These days we only get together a few times a year.
Strangely, during lunch she asked me to have a drink with her, I said "no I'm not drinking now", she proceeded to almost plead with me to have a drink............ very odd.
I've had friends like this and they are no longer people I chose to be friends with it. Ever have a friend who wants to sabotage your diet just because they want that large ice cream sundae? It's kinda like that. But worse. She was being EXTREMELY SELFISH and didn't give a sh*t about your well-being, wants, needs, feelings, etc. I'm getting angry just typing this!

I dealt with it and my final "no" must have sounded firm enough as she went with me as I changed the subject. Now I'm guessing all sorts of things, she's worried about her drinking? She likes me better as a drunk? Sober folk are threatening?
Too bad. Good for you for being firm. You should have been. Don't waste another second thinking about what is going on in her mind. Most likely, she doesn't want to look at her own drinking, or wants you to be the way she wants you to be.

We chatted and seemed to enjoy each other as much as ever, I hope so anyway.
Well then maybe there is still hope for a mutually respectful friendship. But you did absolutely nothing wrong.

Ah well a good flex of my sober muscles I guess.
Any thoughts?
Yes. Good for you for flexing your sober muscles. You keep doing that where necessary. Set boundaries. YOU come first. No people pleasing in sobriety.
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Old 12-13-2015, 07:14 PM
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At one time I had a job that involved a lot of entertaining. The industry had a kind of tradition of hard drinking with the salesmen and the customers so it was a bit strange when I came along. When my customers noticed that I wasn't drinking, they wouldn't drink either, and I noticed they were having trouble relaxing, so I often insisted they should not give up their pleasure just because of me.

Obviously, the boozy celebrations when a sale is made were not going to work with me, so I changed startegy. Most of my customers were small businesses and there wives had a big say in how they ran the business. I began taking the customer and his wife to nice restaurants which made the whole evening a lot more constructive.

The wives appreciated the attention but also enjoyed not having their husband arrive home drunk. There were benefits all round. I found after a while that when it came to my products, the wives wouldn't let their husbands buy off anyone else. Just shows, not drinking isn't a handicap in personal relations, it can be a huge advantage.

Fartogo, maybe your friend just felt uncomfortable at the idea of drinking alone. Sometimes people feel that way, it's no big deal. Sounds like you handled it fine.
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Old 12-14-2015, 08:48 AM
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Thank you all, these are great musings and really useful. You're all right, I took care of me and that's what counts on this journey.
I have been over thinking it, BUT when I first told a few select people that I was packing in the booze, she was the only one who made no comment either way and that's just not her, she talks for England.
Other friends, even those who drink a lot were supportive.
Anyway........ over thinking again, .......... I dealt with it.
xx
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