Final chance...?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 207
Final chance...?
Hello everybody, I am going to attempt my first post and will try keep to the point as I am in dire need of opinions from all you guys on here who have more first hand experience of what I'm going through than any of my well meaning friends do.
I am 42 and husband 48. We have been married 3 and a half years (together 6) and I discovered his drink problem 2 and a half years ago.
He is a lovely man and even drunk he doesn't get abusive - the suffering I am going through is the emotional sort and I have never had so much drama nor anxiety in my life ever. Our relationship is beginning to lack in intimacy. I keep information from him at times as it can be turned back at me when he has had a drink and becomes negative believing he is hard done by in situations etc he works extremely hard and has a very good job and his working life has so far gone unaffected by his alcohol addiction.
In the beginning we tried to get him to stop drinking at harmful levels - we agreed that he would never drink on weekdays, never alone ( as 90% of his drinking is done alone) and only ever while we were out with friends at social occasions.
I opened a bank statement of his six months later as I had suspicions that nothing had changed and his drinking habits were same as before and I discovered that was true. He was very annoyed that I had done this and now doesn't trust me!
October last year he asked me to look on his iPad and when I did I saw a dating agency website with all of him details filled in - I was horrified. Things hadn't been going well but I still didn't expect that. We managed somehow to get passed it and I put it behind us.
I should mention that we live separately due to work and live 400miles apart - we spend every other week together and also extra weekends here and there and also holidays. The reason I mention this is because this arrangement provides him with ideal circumstances to drink secretly which will always be a source of suspicion and worry for me.
In April of this year (6months after the dating website) I discovered texts on his phone from a female - cosy, supportive texts with lots of kisses. He had deleted his part of the conversation so I have no idea what he was saying to her. At the time this happened it was our 3rd wedding anniversary and his eldest daughter was unwell in hospital. He begged for another chance and somehow again we moved on.
I have found evidence of drinking when I go to our home near his work and I know he hasn't stopped as he would lose the weight around his middle if he did. He is a wine drinker and could easily polish off 3 bottles in an eve - maybe more.
In May this year I had reached a place where I wanted no more of this life of stress and worry and worry of what kind of future we would have.
I told him that I was walking away if alcohol was to remain a part of his life. He agreed he would stop as he knew I was serious but there is definitely resentment for this - and because I insisted upon this and not that he wanted to stop I knew there was high likelihood that it wouldn't last...and it didn't.
When I discovered that the drinking continues to be a big part of his life and that I have to be true to my word and leave as I said I would but we had several commitments to see through with visitors travelling long distance to visit us so I kept a lid on things.
We also had a holiday booked for both of our birthdays - we got back last week and I thought I could keep a lid on things until Christmas had passed for the sake of everyone including our children - we don't have any children together, I have one adult daughter who is due to give birth any minute and he has 3 young adult daughters from a previous marriage. During our holiday he caught food poisoning - I had to go to the restaurant alone several evenings. I would be gone 30-40 mins max and when I returned to our room he would be drunk , eyes rolling , lying on couch trying to watch tv. He was asleep and snoring by 7.30pm each evening! Again, not the future I want. Like I'm his minder and responsible for him. I have spent many years alone with my daughter before she left home- I am not afraid to do it just deeply saddened and worried about his future. He is begging for a final chance to go into recovery and prove himself.
I really, honestly can not say whether I want this anymore? I feel I am too tired for any more. On the other hand would it be wrong of me not to give him this final chance and maybe we would have a good marriage once again. I feel it's a huge risk to go back but it feels awful to not have a concrete answer form him as he is not coping well in this period of limbo - I also feel bad that Christmas is just two weeks away - what on earth should I do?? I know I have to figure it out but I would really appreciate any comments/options and experience you all may have?
Thank you
I am 42 and husband 48. We have been married 3 and a half years (together 6) and I discovered his drink problem 2 and a half years ago.
He is a lovely man and even drunk he doesn't get abusive - the suffering I am going through is the emotional sort and I have never had so much drama nor anxiety in my life ever. Our relationship is beginning to lack in intimacy. I keep information from him at times as it can be turned back at me when he has had a drink and becomes negative believing he is hard done by in situations etc he works extremely hard and has a very good job and his working life has so far gone unaffected by his alcohol addiction.
In the beginning we tried to get him to stop drinking at harmful levels - we agreed that he would never drink on weekdays, never alone ( as 90% of his drinking is done alone) and only ever while we were out with friends at social occasions.
I opened a bank statement of his six months later as I had suspicions that nothing had changed and his drinking habits were same as before and I discovered that was true. He was very annoyed that I had done this and now doesn't trust me!
October last year he asked me to look on his iPad and when I did I saw a dating agency website with all of him details filled in - I was horrified. Things hadn't been going well but I still didn't expect that. We managed somehow to get passed it and I put it behind us.
I should mention that we live separately due to work and live 400miles apart - we spend every other week together and also extra weekends here and there and also holidays. The reason I mention this is because this arrangement provides him with ideal circumstances to drink secretly which will always be a source of suspicion and worry for me.
In April of this year (6months after the dating website) I discovered texts on his phone from a female - cosy, supportive texts with lots of kisses. He had deleted his part of the conversation so I have no idea what he was saying to her. At the time this happened it was our 3rd wedding anniversary and his eldest daughter was unwell in hospital. He begged for another chance and somehow again we moved on.
I have found evidence of drinking when I go to our home near his work and I know he hasn't stopped as he would lose the weight around his middle if he did. He is a wine drinker and could easily polish off 3 bottles in an eve - maybe more.
In May this year I had reached a place where I wanted no more of this life of stress and worry and worry of what kind of future we would have.
I told him that I was walking away if alcohol was to remain a part of his life. He agreed he would stop as he knew I was serious but there is definitely resentment for this - and because I insisted upon this and not that he wanted to stop I knew there was high likelihood that it wouldn't last...and it didn't.
When I discovered that the drinking continues to be a big part of his life and that I have to be true to my word and leave as I said I would but we had several commitments to see through with visitors travelling long distance to visit us so I kept a lid on things.
We also had a holiday booked for both of our birthdays - we got back last week and I thought I could keep a lid on things until Christmas had passed for the sake of everyone including our children - we don't have any children together, I have one adult daughter who is due to give birth any minute and he has 3 young adult daughters from a previous marriage. During our holiday he caught food poisoning - I had to go to the restaurant alone several evenings. I would be gone 30-40 mins max and when I returned to our room he would be drunk , eyes rolling , lying on couch trying to watch tv. He was asleep and snoring by 7.30pm each evening! Again, not the future I want. Like I'm his minder and responsible for him. I have spent many years alone with my daughter before she left home- I am not afraid to do it just deeply saddened and worried about his future. He is begging for a final chance to go into recovery and prove himself.
I really, honestly can not say whether I want this anymore? I feel I am too tired for any more. On the other hand would it be wrong of me not to give him this final chance and maybe we would have a good marriage once again. I feel it's a huge risk to go back but it feels awful to not have a concrete answer form him as he is not coping well in this period of limbo - I also feel bad that Christmas is just two weeks away - what on earth should I do?? I know I have to figure it out but I would really appreciate any comments/options and experience you all may have?
Thank you
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
Why don't you file for a formal separation if you aren't quite ready to divorce and see what he does in the next six months?
Action speaks volumes louder than words.
The dating site / texting / who knows what else as he is 400 miles away
are a different issue and frankly, for me would be deal breaker.
Don't let him "lump" those in as caused by drinking.
Cheaters aren't all alcoholics, and all alcoholics aren't cheaters.
Seems like a pretty bad deal for you on the current terms between the two
issues, but only you can decide what's right for you.
I don't think I'd want to spend X-mas with this person, given his actions after
your previous ultimatum, so if you don't, don't feel guilty and spend it with your
kids.
Action speaks volumes louder than words.
The dating site / texting / who knows what else as he is 400 miles away
are a different issue and frankly, for me would be deal breaker.
Don't let him "lump" those in as caused by drinking.
Cheaters aren't all alcoholics, and all alcoholics aren't cheaters.
Seems like a pretty bad deal for you on the current terms between the two
issues, but only you can decide what's right for you.
I don't think I'd want to spend X-mas with this person, given his actions after
your previous ultimatum, so if you don't, don't feel guilty and spend it with your
kids.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
welcome. just a note, you may want to check out the Friends and Family section a few forums down for additional support.
since you two are already living apart you do have an "advantage" in that you already have space and distance and don't have to deal with his antics on a daily basis. you sound pretty worn out and that is understandable. you ask if you should give him one MORE chance.....do you have enough fingers (and toes?) to count the chances given already?
if he wants to sober up, he can and will. but it will take a LOT more than just talk. his history so far shows that he doesn't really take the situation seriously enough.
it's ok to do what is best FOR YOU.
since you two are already living apart you do have an "advantage" in that you already have space and distance and don't have to deal with his antics on a daily basis. you sound pretty worn out and that is understandable. you ask if you should give him one MORE chance.....do you have enough fingers (and toes?) to count the chances given already?
if he wants to sober up, he can and will. but it will take a LOT more than just talk. his history so far shows that he doesn't really take the situation seriously enough.
it's ok to do what is best FOR YOU.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, Hummer, and welcome to SR. It's a shame you're in a situation like that, but you've come to the right place to get help for yourself.
I've got a few suggestions for you:
1) Go to the "Family and Friends of Alcoholics" section of this forum Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information and read as much as you can. Read both the "stickies" at the top of the page and the threads posted by members lower down. I'm betting a lot of what you read will sound pretty familiar to you. Please feel free to post your story here also.
2) Check into Alanon (it is NOT the same thing as AA) and see if you can find a meeting soon. You'll get a lot of education and face-to-face support there. I've found that the combination of Alanon and SR has helped me tremendously.
3) Do what you can to protect and educate yourself. Both Alanon and SR will help you learn useful tools for getting yourself some breathing space as well helping you clear your head while you figure out what you need to do.
4) Most important of all--BREATHE. You don't have to make any decisions or do anything right this minute. It's a lot to take in. Be gentle with yourself and take care of yourself.
Wishing you strength and clarity, and I hope to see you over in Family and Friends!
I've got a few suggestions for you:
1) Go to the "Family and Friends of Alcoholics" section of this forum Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information and read as much as you can. Read both the "stickies" at the top of the page and the threads posted by members lower down. I'm betting a lot of what you read will sound pretty familiar to you. Please feel free to post your story here also.
2) Check into Alanon (it is NOT the same thing as AA) and see if you can find a meeting soon. You'll get a lot of education and face-to-face support there. I've found that the combination of Alanon and SR has helped me tremendously.
3) Do what you can to protect and educate yourself. Both Alanon and SR will help you learn useful tools for getting yourself some breathing space as well helping you clear your head while you figure out what you need to do.
4) Most important of all--BREATHE. You don't have to make any decisions or do anything right this minute. It's a lot to take in. Be gentle with yourself and take care of yourself.
Wishing you strength and clarity, and I hope to see you over in Family and Friends!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hummer, all you have to do is click the link in my post--it's in section #1, where it says "Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information" in bluish gray letters. That should make it very easy for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 207
Thank you honeypig, followed your instructions and think I've managed to post over there too - will look forward to feedback!
If I could just decide what to do I can move forward - it's this indecision that is killing us both. Thanks for advice.
If I could just decide what to do I can move forward - it's this indecision that is killing us both. Thanks for advice.
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