Feeling Miserable
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Originally Posted by ReadyAtLast 
This, to me, shows the huge imbalance in your relationship. Why is it for him to tell you it is over. Why don't you make the decision. Perhaps you should decide it's over because YOU deserve better than a man who hangs up on you, doesn't call you for weeks and when you do see him the relationship isn't what YOU want or need , leading you to have these awful feelings.
please don't lower yourself by calling him. he hung up on you - it is not for you to make the first move. You will maintain your dignity and self respect by not calling. The fact he has not called you speaks for itself.
You've not called him for 2 weeks - there is no need to do it now. stay strong
please don't lower yourself by calling him. he hung up on you - it is not for you to make the first move. You will maintain your dignity and self respect by not calling. The fact he has not called you speaks for itself.
You've not called him for 2 weeks - there is no need to do it now. stay strong
Ready, you bring up some good points. My head tells me it's over, but my dang heart doesn't seem to understand!
Part of me feels like I have hung on to this relationship long past the point where I should have left. Actually , when I think about it, I've hung on to a lot of relationships longer than I should have. In this case I think I might have had regrets and wondered 'what if?' if I had given up sooner. I really feel like I gave this my all. While I see where I need to work on becoming more assertive with communication, I know I did my best.
There is definitely an imbalance in our relationship. In the past, I've fallen in with guys just because they liked me and I don't think I even paid attention so much to whether or not I liked them. At least I didn't do that this time around, but the results that I've found here aren't really any better. I do need to find something with more balance.
I did ask my higher power for help handling the relationship problems. Maybe dude hanging up on me and not calling back is the answer to my prayers. I feel like the joke is on me though.
I am feeling an tiny bit better today. I'm really working hard to stick to a routine, do healthy stuff, and cling tightly to my recovery. Underneath all of the pain, anger and uncertainty, I actually feel a certain amount of stability, calm and strength.
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Originally Posted by fantail
Oh, now I see why you had so much good advice for me on this topic! Sorry to hear that you're in this spot too.
Originally Posted by fantail
I'm pretty sure we both look just as nuts as someone who wants to wear their favorite shoes even after the sole's worn through.
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Ugh. My emotions are all over the place. One hour I'll feel fine and the next I feel like a wreck. I go from being angry to just feeling sad and missing him.
I've thought about sending him an email and writing out how I feel. But then I wonder if my real intention behind that is to try to get a certain type of response from him. But then, I keep a lot of feelings to myself. Sometimes it's like if I don't know the best, most effective way to say something, I just won't say anything. I worry about how it'll come across or if it will hurt somebody else or about this or about that. Sometimes, I wish I could just say what I felt!
Why can't I be one of those people that will just send a text saying "I think you're a f-ing jerk!" or something like that? Instead, I think about how name-calling won't help, how I don't want to be mean, how I don't want him to know how he gets to me, how I don't want to burn any bridges in case there is some chance we might make up.
This just bites.
I've thought about sending him an email and writing out how I feel. But then I wonder if my real intention behind that is to try to get a certain type of response from him. But then, I keep a lot of feelings to myself. Sometimes it's like if I don't know the best, most effective way to say something, I just won't say anything. I worry about how it'll come across or if it will hurt somebody else or about this or about that. Sometimes, I wish I could just say what I felt!
Why can't I be one of those people that will just send a text saying "I think you're a f-ing jerk!" or something like that? Instead, I think about how name-calling won't help, how I don't want to be mean, how I don't want him to know how he gets to me, how I don't want to burn any bridges in case there is some chance we might make up.
This just bites.
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I'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with all this now, DG. You're way too wonderful for this guy, from what I read about him. 
The only suggestion I have: do nothing for this guy. (I know how hard that can be.) Don't try for any contact. If you have a letter to write, write it out and then rip it up. If he reaches out to you, say you're on hiatus. Get involved in the rest of your life, and in a few months, when you're less raw, look back and think again. Reassert your grounding as *you*.
((DG))
The only suggestion I have: do nothing for this guy. (I know how hard that can be.) Don't try for any contact. If you have a letter to write, write it out and then rip it up. If he reaches out to you, say you're on hiatus. Get involved in the rest of your life, and in a few months, when you're less raw, look back and think again. Reassert your grounding as *you*.
((DG))
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I was in a similar situation. The hard part about the ending was the lack of closure. I wanted a final finish but never got it. Just nothing - kind of like the phone call just ending.
I regularly dreamed up reasons to contact him - but then I started looking at him like a drink. I'd wait an hour before sending that text, email or making a call. And, after an hour, I'd be glad I hadn't done it.
I still hate the saying: There are a lot of fish in the sea. But it's true - and there are some very nice ones.
I regularly dreamed up reasons to contact him - but then I started looking at him like a drink. I'd wait an hour before sending that text, email or making a call. And, after an hour, I'd be glad I hadn't done it.
I still hate the saying: There are a lot of fish in the sea. But it's true - and there are some very nice ones.
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Originally Posted by courage2
I'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with all this now, DG. You're way too wonderful for this guy, from what I read about him.
The only suggestion I have: do nothing for this guy. (I know how hard that can be.) Don't try for any contact. If you have a letter to write, write it out and then rip it up. If he reaches out to you, say you're on hiatus. Get involved in the rest of your life, and in a few months, when you're less raw, look back and think again. Reassert your grounding as *you*.
((DG))
The only suggestion I have: do nothing for this guy. (I know how hard that can be.) Don't try for any contact. If you have a letter to write, write it out and then rip it up. If he reaches out to you, say you're on hiatus. Get involved in the rest of your life, and in a few months, when you're less raw, look back and think again. Reassert your grounding as *you*.
((DG))
Originally Posted by FLCamper
I was in a similar situation. The hard part about the ending was the lack of closure. I wanted a final finish but never got it. Just nothing - kind of like the phone call just ending.
I regularly dreamed up reasons to contact him - but then I started looking at him like a drink. I'd wait an hour before sending that text, email or making a call. And, after an hour, I'd be glad I hadn't done it.
I still hate the saying: There are a lot of fish in the sea. But it's true - and there are some very nice ones.
I regularly dreamed up reasons to contact him - but then I started looking at him like a drink. I'd wait an hour before sending that text, email or making a call. And, after an hour, I'd be glad I hadn't done it.
I still hate the saying: There are a lot of fish in the sea. But it's true - and there are some very nice ones.
I miss all the good stuff, and despite what has happened, part of me still wants to try to save the relationship. For now, I'll keep trying to wait it out and remind myself that really, what is there to save if he doesn't want to save it too? I do know that maybe there never was a lot of long-term potential between us no matter how much I liked him and maybe letting it be over will open things up for me to find somebody else. I plan to wait a while though, I haven't been single in a long time and I'm sure it's best to take some time to let myself heal and work on some of the other stuff in my life.
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Well, I tried calling him last night. It went to voicemail. I texted this morning just to say I'd tried to call- I know sometimes calls actually just don't go through for whatever reason and I didn't want to just assume that he ignored it. He texted back to say that he never got the call.
I think I'd like to talk things over and just have some clarity. I don't know that I am looking to try to make things work, but I also decided that I really do care about this guy and it's worth it to me to at least try to have a real conversation. I do know that there was a lot that I wasn't happy with in the relationship and if he doesn't want to work on that stuff I'm willing to walk away. Sometimes I've thought we just wanted different things and should have talked sooner about what we were really looking for.
Part of me regrets calling, thinking that if he wanted to talk he would have called. But we have a lot of history and despite everything, I really do believe that he's basically a pretty good guy. I think I would have had regrets about not calling too. It's worth it to me to attempt to have an adult conversation about what we want and if there is any common ground for wanting to continue a relationship or agreeing to part ways if there isn't.
I haven't texted anything back. At this point, I feel like he knows I tried to call and if he wants to talk he can call me. I know he's working today, so if he does call, it wouldn't be until later. In the mean time, I'm going to go about my day.
I feel pretty calm about things. I've spent a lot of time the last several days doing yoga, playing my drums, thinking about my goals for 2016 and reflecting on 2015, reading and posting on SR, going on walks, etc. I feel connected to myself and at least for the moment, I feel like I could be at peace whatever comes. I know that could flip in a minute and there may be more tough emotions to come.
I think I'd like to talk things over and just have some clarity. I don't know that I am looking to try to make things work, but I also decided that I really do care about this guy and it's worth it to me to at least try to have a real conversation. I do know that there was a lot that I wasn't happy with in the relationship and if he doesn't want to work on that stuff I'm willing to walk away. Sometimes I've thought we just wanted different things and should have talked sooner about what we were really looking for.
Part of me regrets calling, thinking that if he wanted to talk he would have called. But we have a lot of history and despite everything, I really do believe that he's basically a pretty good guy. I think I would have had regrets about not calling too. It's worth it to me to attempt to have an adult conversation about what we want and if there is any common ground for wanting to continue a relationship or agreeing to part ways if there isn't.
I haven't texted anything back. At this point, I feel like he knows I tried to call and if he wants to talk he can call me. I know he's working today, so if he does call, it wouldn't be until later. In the mean time, I'm going to go about my day.
I feel pretty calm about things. I've spent a lot of time the last several days doing yoga, playing my drums, thinking about my goals for 2016 and reflecting on 2015, reading and posting on SR, going on walks, etc. I feel connected to myself and at least for the moment, I feel like I could be at peace whatever comes. I know that could flip in a minute and there may be more tough emotions to come.
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Originally Posted by DG0409
, but I also decided that I really do care about this guy and it's worth it to me to at least try to have a real conversation. .
I hope you don't think I'm being harsh
I have been where you are and chased a man who was no longer interested in me but hadn't ended the relationship properly. I kept calling him because I thought I could talk him round or because I wanted answers. All I did was drive myself mad and make me totally lose my own self respect and dignity. Plus he had no respect for me either. Why would he want me when I was so desperate and chasing him. Even now looking back to the incident some 15 years later it makes me cringe. My weakness and lack of self respect shames me even now.
Of course no one can tell you what to do but just thought I'd tell you my story. I know part of my lack of self worth was because of drinking. i have rebuilt myself now and would not do now what I did then.
I hope you can find peace within yourself and realize you don't need this man or need him to tell you what he wants.
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
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For what it's worth, my experience with relationships that started online was that there was always an awful lot I didn't know about them. They had histories and demons and unresolved feelings for other women, etc. In both cases, the relationships fizzled out for reasons I never understood, and which they never explained. I found it hard to move on without closure.
I'm pretty sure this has nothing to do with you. It has to do with something on his end, and he may or may not ever share it with you. Just keep reminding yourself it's not you. He liked you and desired you, and now it seems he doesn't. Did you grow an antenna on your head? Get a satanic tattoo on your face? Get sprayed by a skunk? No, you're the same person he desired. Something's up with him and it's not about you.
I'm pretty sure this has nothing to do with you. It has to do with something on his end, and he may or may not ever share it with you. Just keep reminding yourself it's not you. He liked you and desired you, and now it seems he doesn't. Did you grow an antenna on your head? Get a satanic tattoo on your face? Get sprayed by a skunk? No, you're the same person he desired. Something's up with him and it's not about you.
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Ready- I don't think you're being harsh, I think you're just sharing your experience. And frankly, if I was reading this thread as a third party, I'd probably share much the same thing.
I agree that I don't need to go chasing after him. I've tried calling once and sent a single text message because it would be nice to actually talk. And I'm willing to let it go after that. He knows I want to talk, but if he doesn't call back, I'll let it go.
If he does call back, I just want a chance to talk some stuff over- I'm not going to try to get him to stay with me. I wasn't happy with how things were and I don't want to continue like that. I am not sure at this point that I would want to stay even if he was willing to put in the effort to change some of the things about our relationship. I'm not sure I wouldn't be willing to give it a try either. I realize that the chances of him wanting to work on things or being willing/able to do the things I need are pretty slim.
I don't expect anybody to really agree with me trying to contact him and that's ok. I have to do what I feel is right. This is somebody who was there for me during some really tough times, somebody who really has done a lot for me and I have seen what a truly caring and generous person he can be. Nobody reading this knows about all of those times. And to be clear, I'm not saying that I somehow think that he's going to suddenly lose whatever faults he has and just be this wonderful guy all the time because I've seen these great things in him. And I also don't think those things mean he's necessarily the guy for me. He might be the most amazing guy in the world and still not be the right guy for me. But it does mean that I think it's worth a phone call.
SoberinSyracuse- You make some very good points. Thank you for your reply. I don't know that meeting online really makes a relationship more or likely to work out- after all the same people that are online are in real life too! Certainly it can add in a certain danger of people pretending to be a certain way when they're not. Then again, people at the coffee shop can do that too.
I agree that I don't need to go chasing after him. I've tried calling once and sent a single text message because it would be nice to actually talk. And I'm willing to let it go after that. He knows I want to talk, but if he doesn't call back, I'll let it go.
If he does call back, I just want a chance to talk some stuff over- I'm not going to try to get him to stay with me. I wasn't happy with how things were and I don't want to continue like that. I am not sure at this point that I would want to stay even if he was willing to put in the effort to change some of the things about our relationship. I'm not sure I wouldn't be willing to give it a try either. I realize that the chances of him wanting to work on things or being willing/able to do the things I need are pretty slim.
I don't expect anybody to really agree with me trying to contact him and that's ok. I have to do what I feel is right. This is somebody who was there for me during some really tough times, somebody who really has done a lot for me and I have seen what a truly caring and generous person he can be. Nobody reading this knows about all of those times. And to be clear, I'm not saying that I somehow think that he's going to suddenly lose whatever faults he has and just be this wonderful guy all the time because I've seen these great things in him. And I also don't think those things mean he's necessarily the guy for me. He might be the most amazing guy in the world and still not be the right guy for me. But it does mean that I think it's worth a phone call.
SoberinSyracuse- You make some very good points. Thank you for your reply. I don't know that meeting online really makes a relationship more or likely to work out- after all the same people that are online are in real life too! Certainly it can add in a certain danger of people pretending to be a certain way when they're not. Then again, people at the coffee shop can do that too.
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
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One way or another, we've pretty much all been there. And we all know it's best not to pursue contact, but when we're the ones in the situation, I'm sure a lot of us break that little rule because our feelings are very strong. I know I have, plenty of times!
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