ForMeForThem

I don't have great advice but reading your original post, I thought Wow! God Bless you. You have alot of stregth!

ubntubnt

Honestly, I think its the for a sit around the table conversation where you lay it down. Explain what is bothering you and the extent to which it is bothering you, make it clear what you want and that you are not happy to just kick the can down the road anymore. That you feel you are at a point where its really upsetting you and you need something to change. Ask him what he thinks. If he avoids the issue or won't talk then you can ask him where that leaves the relationship? If he talks thats great. Its too east to jump to conclusion about what he may or may not think. He needs to tell you and then back that up with actions. If he can't do both then you need to decide where that leaves you.
Good luck.

DG0409

Awww.... Thank you.

DG0409

Beccy- You have a really good point. I think that perhaps aside from the physical issues, we may just want really different things. I really believe that a lot of people would be a lot happier and save themselves a lot of grief if they had honest and open conversations about what they really wanted in their relationships... something I've kind of failed to do entirely myself.

I know when I got into the relationship, I was so crazy about the guy that I was just content to be with him. But now that is starting to wear a bit thin. To be honest, I probably over-looked some things that would signal that we may not be compatible forever just because I really, really liked him. I knew I was doing it at the time and I didn't care. I don't know if that is entirely a bad thing, I mean if I really like somebody I do want to follow my heart a little and logic be damned! On the flip side, that hasn't worked out so great for me. I do know that if I hadn't given this a chance, I always would have wondered what could have been.

ubntubnt- I think you may be right that we just need to have a conversation. It wouldn't hurt anything... if things don't work out, I could still break-up with him later, but maybe I could get some answers and understand better. I need to figure out what I want to say... and also get to a point where I can bring it up without the anger I feel about it all sometimes. I know that if I don't bring it up in an assertive, planned, constructive way, eventually it will come out in a manipulative, awful kind of way. Sometimes I try not to say anything so as to not rock the boat, but then it boils over and I say something, but not what I ever would have chosen to really want to say. I suspect it may be a struggle though. I'm not the best at conversations like that and this guy tends to be really good at deflecting conversations he doesn't want to have.

MidnightBlue

DG, can't give you any advice here .

Just lots of good vibes and a big hug.

shortstop81

DG - I can totally relate to how you feel, in terms of automatically assuming that there was something wrong with ME, or that I was undesirable, etc. I've gone through those thoughts in my current relationship, and I felt the same way in my marriage a lot of the time.

In my case, the problem wasn't really about me (well, not 100%). And it took me a long time to realize that I was perfectly entitled to the happiness that I wanted. I think often we settle because we think we don't deserve any more than what we've already got, even when it's making us miserable.

Sobriety gave me clarity and confidence - hence my divorce. Although that sounds like a bad thing, leaving my marriage was the first step in being true to myself.

It's hard to give specific advice in your situation, other than you deserve to have your relationship needs met, whether they be emotional or physical (they're often intertwined anyway). If he can't open up and at least try to work through this issue, then I think you know what you need to do.

Soberwolf

Zebra1275

My boyfriend, on the other hand, seems perfectly content with how things are

You realize you can't change him.

Hell, it's hard enough just trying to change yourself.

DG0409

Hi MB- Good to see you.

Zebra- On one level, I am certainly well aware I can't change him. On another level, I can't help but want to. I am struggling to accept how things are and then to figure out exactly what I want to do about them.

I had a good day today. I haven't made any decisions or progress on the relationship side of things. But I've been focusing on doing things to take care of myself and my life and at least for the moment I've come up out of the awful feelings I was going through. I know that they will probably come back at some point and that focusing on the other stuff I have going on in my life isn't a permanent solution to the relationship problems. I also know that obsessing about the relationship and ignoring the rest of my life won't help anything at all and leaves me feeling depressed and awful.

I try to have a positive attitude and think things like:"I will keep working to feel better about this. Even though I don't know how to handle it, I will search for a solution to the problem and try to take care of myself and do things to feel better in the mean time" and "I have a lot going for me in my life- work, AA, yoga, working on getting ready to sell my house, etc. I don't need to let one aspect that isn't perfect drag me down."

Berrybean

Sounds like you have a reluctance to hand this over to your higher power. Maybe it's not yours TO handle, and it's not your show to run.
When you do your morning prayers / meditations perhaps you could include something like...

Please help me watch for Resentment and Fear (or whatever you see your feelings as the are troublesome) around my relationships today. When these crop up in me, help me to immediately ask you to remove them from me and help me discuss these feelings with someone. Help me to quickly make amends if I have harmed anyone and help me to resolutely turn my thoughts to someone I can help.
I ask for understanding of your will for me and the power to carry it out. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

That sentence 'I don't need to let one aspect that isn't perfect drag me down' smacks of Ism. Why WOULD you let something imperfect drag you down?? That tendency we have to say, "..if it ain't perfect, stuff it" can be very damaging to us. The world isn't perfect. People aren't perfect. Relationships aren't perfect. And they never will be. WE never will be. Most of what we learn in recovery is about altering our perspectives so that we don't seek or expect perfection in things, but develop acceptance and gratitude. That's what brings us peace and serenity when those AA promises materialise. If you can't stay with him or tolerate the relationship as it is (or as he is willing and happy for it to be), then move on from it. He is a person, not modelling clay. It isn't our business to set about trying to change anyone other than ourselves, and tends to lead to more frustration and heartache for everyone involved.

DG0409

Well, two weeks ago, bf and I were talking on the phone. I said he something and he jokingly said "Young lady, I don't like your tone!" I replied, also jokingly that I'd use whatever tone I wanted. Then I said that if he didn't like it, he could hang up. I didn't really think that he would, but he did. I figured that I was kind of asking for it, shrugged it off as him just playing around and figured he'd call back in a couple hours.

Fast forward two weeks and I haven't heard from him since. Not a text, not a call, not even on Christmas. I haven't contacted him either. In one respect, I know that maybe seems a bit childish on my part, but frankly, I am done being the one that always reaches out to make things better between us.

I don't quite understand what happened, the conversation was fine up until that point and we were both clearly joking around. I really didn't even think anything serious of it at the time.

After everything else, I just don't care to call him if he doesn't call me. I don't know if things are really over, or if I'll hear from him again. Things might be over even if I do hear from him again. I'm pretty sure the fact that he hung up and hasn't contacted me in two weeks speaks volumes in itself.

Honestly, part of me is completely crushed. I wasn't getting what I needed from the relationship, but I was (am) very much into this guy. I feel like I was more into him than he was into me and I know that wasn't going to be a good relationship for me. But that doesn't make walking away easy. My feelings for him are as strong as ever.

I am trying my best just to do what I need to each day. It hurts like crazy and dealing with feelings like this is so hard. I know I hurt too bad for drugs or alcohol to make it better. I still have some thoughts of alcohol or drugs though. I don't really think I'll go there, but I know I have to be careful.

Dee74

I think you deserve a relationship where you're into the guy as much as he's into you, DG

D

ReadyAtLast

I'm with Dee on this one DG. You deserve a man who adores you and one where your needs are met, a relationship of equals.

Never be afraid of walking away from a relationship where you are not happy. you will never flourish or give yourself the opportunity to meet someone else when you are in an unhappy and unfulfilling relationship.

It's much lonelier to be in an unhappy and unfulfilling relationship than it is to be alone

least

You deserve better.

Soberpotamus

Don't look back, DG. You definitely deserve better treatment. I'm sorry you're going through this during the holidays.

DG0409

Thank you all. The support and kindness here is amazing.

Despite all the problems, part of me wants to smooth things over just so that I can make the pain of right now go away. Part of me thinks of calling just to clarify that things are really over or seek some sort of 'closure' but I also am not sure it would really help and I'm scared I would get sucked back into the relationship.

buk1000

I would ride it out and not contact him DG. And if he does call you I think you should try to have a real honest, straightforward conversation and get everything out on the table. If he doesn't call, then your instincts when you started this thread were correct.

It's not easy. I've gotten sucked back into this type of thing before and regretted it.

Lorax1981

That is odd DG. Sending you some good vibes. You're too cool for that cat:-)

ReadyAtLast

This, to me, shows the huge imbalance in your relationship. Why is it for him to tell you it is over. Why don't you make the decision. Perhaps you should decide it's over because YOU deserve better than a man who hangs up on you, doesn't call you for weeks and when you do see him the relationship isn't what YOU want or need , leading you to have these awful feelings.

please don't lower yourself by calling him. he hung up on you - it is not for you to make the first move. You will maintain your dignity and self respect by not calling. The fact he has not called you speaks for itself.

You've not called him for 2 weeks - there is no need to do it now. stay strong

fantail

Oh, now I see why you had so much good advice for me on this topic! Sorry to hear that you're in this spot too.

I don't have much advice right now, I'm sad myself. But you make the point earlier that if this were someone else's situation you know it would be clear. And it is. Keeping a dysfunctional relationship out of love feels important from the inside, but from the outside I'm pretty sure we both look just as nuts as someone who wants to wear their favorite shoes even after the sole's worn through.

So I don't think you should call, and I don't think I should either. Maybe in a little while when feelings have processed more.