SweatyHands

So, I logged 3 years and 3 months sober. I graduated from college and was the student speaker. I got into an amazing grad program for counseling psychology in Colorado, and my wife got a job in Colorado. We sold our house and moved across the country at the beginning of the summer. My grad program didn't start until the end of the summer, and... the boredom set in. I decided that I had to know what would happen if I had a drink, so I talked it over with my wife, and we decided that it was better for me to have a drink at home to satisfy my curiosity rather than keep letting the thought bounce around in my head until it overwhelmed me and I went on a bender.

And, I actually had no problem drinking like a normal person. No benders, no drinking and driving, no morning drinking, no withdrawal after having a few and getting buzzed. But then my insomnia came back and I didn't connect the dots. I got back on the Ambien, and got hooked without knowing it. I could only sleep with the Ambien, and then it stopped working. The sleep deprivation, coupled with the stress of grad school was ripping me apart and my immune system went downhill. I caught a really bad flu while my wife was out of town, and I stupidly mixed nyquil with Ambien. Needless to say, I blacked out, with a 103° fever, and I suspect that I took more Ambien while I was blacked out.

So, I had the flu really bad for seven days with a fever the whole time. But, on the third day of my flu, I decided that I didn't need something as dangerous as Ambien in my body, so I took the prescription to my pharmacist to turn it in. Afterwards, I found out (the hard way) that you can't quit that mess cold turkey. So I had the flu stacked up with the Ambien withdrawal.

While I was sick, I wasn't drinking, but as soon as I started feeling better, I had a few drinks and just didn't feel right in the head or in the guts. Then it dawned on me that I started having insomnia and immune system problems after I started drinking again. So, long story short (too late), I haven't had a drink in two weeks. I'm running with my wife, back to the gym, eating better, taking doctor and pharmacist-approved herbal supplements for sleep as needed, I'm finishing up finals in my first semester of grad school with straight A's, and my blood pressure is under control for the first time in about ten years.

I'm giving this sobriety a month before I really take stock of how my physical and mental health have changed. Then I'm having a sit-down with my wife and my doctor (separately) to see if there is a place in my life for an occasional drink. I am thinking right now that I will end up continuing my abstinence from alcohol.

Honestly, alcohol withdrawal is the worst thing that I have ever been through, but the Ambien withdrawal was pretty terrible. It was compounded by the fever and the sleep deprivation from taking the Ambien out of my system. The tremors were annoying, some of the other symptoms, I don't know if they were fever or withdrawal, but the auditory hallucinations were awful. I was hallucinating car horns, which makes taking the highway to Boulder to go to class sick and dope-sick really terrifying. And I was hearing music with really terrifying lyrics coming out of anything with a motor. That made catching up on laundry really fun...

So I don't know what the point of all of this was, but I'm just checking in to share my story. And offer a warning: be extremely careful with prescription sleep medication. It's really easy to get hooked. And, listen to your body. If I was paying attention, I would have probably tried to figure out if the alcohol was causing my insomnia in September.

If you stuck it out and read this far, thanks.

badger257

Welcome! What is the attraction to the occasional drink? It's it with the risk?

Dee74

Sorry for the stumble SH, but it's good to know you're back on track again

D

SweatyHands

I really don't know. I was beginning to feel like the abstinence was becoming as much of a compulsion as the drinking used to be. For me, it's more of a sensory pleasure than getting a buzz. After that long of a period of sobriety, having a buzz really isn't all that pleasant or even interesting. But I do enjoy the pleasure of pairing a nice wine with a meal. I don't know, it could all be self-deceit and my AV is just looking for a sneaky back door to allow for the possibility of ending up back where I was in 2012. I just need to figure it out for myself, in a safe environment, and with the support of my wife.

Dee74

I think there's a very important part of lasting recovery that perhaps doesn't get talked about enough - the part of the journey where we build the sober life we want, and don't want to escape from.

If abstinence is a chore, sooner or later you're going to get tired, and drop your load....

For me, I've worked hard at making this new life. The idea that I'm missing anything by not drinking wine with dinner isn't even worthy of consideration these days..

what other changes did you make besides not drinking SH?

D

Soberwolf

Welcome bk SH

badger257

We will all be here for you regardless of your path! But I am positive that there are MANY folks on here that can attest from their own experience or from others, that 1 drink of thinking they could moderate always ends in disaster, relapse, and probably worse than it was before.

OfEpiphany

Before you know it, you'll be trying to slap invisible flies out of the air...lmao, just stay off alcohol, why compromise the integrity of your brain's structure with the drug?

Beyond the carbonation and taste, alcohol is a clear and deadly liquid and squeezes your neural pathways until they slowly diminish, the core of your brain will be consumed with addiction without you realizing it.

PurpleKnight

Welcome back SweatyHands!!

SweatyHands

Ah... Done for the semester! Yesterday was my last class, and I think I'm cruising towards a 4.0 for my first semester of grad school. I also was offered a job today providing companion care for a you d adult with trauma related social coping issues. This job pretty much puts me on call most days of the week, so realistically, between this job and graduate school, I simply don't have time to even entertain the idea of having alcohol in my system for the foreseeable future. When the dust settles from this chapter in my life, I tend to think that my feelings about alcohol will be very different from what they are right now. But, regardless of the far-off future, for the immediate future I have too many things that I care about far more than having a glass of wine.

On the other front of the battle, some of my symptoms of Ambien withdrawal seem to be sticking around. I am hoping that now that I have a month pff of school, my relaxation will allow my nervous system to normalize and rebound from the withdrawal from that useless drug. But, that being said, I am on 19 consecutive nights of sound sleep.

SweatyHands

And the decision has been made... When I quit drinking last time, after going in for detox, the program of "just not drinking" worked fine. But now that I have a fairly lengthy relapse without any horrible consequences (by an alcoholic's standards) umder my belt, my AV has some ammunition. Now the thought "This time, it will just be for one night, and no one will know" is popping up. Or, "I can just stop in this bar and have one beer and go home. I will be sober by dinner and I won't drink again for a month" is another new one.

Honestly, the fact that I am talking myself out of picking up a bottle is the only reason that I need to stay sober. But, since this time I did not hit such a dramatic and traumatic rock bottom, I recognize the need for more of a support system. There are two people in my graduate program who are both in the adult crowd, and who have been in recovery for quite a long time. I am meeting with both of them this week to start working on a plan. I already know that AA isn't for me, so I need to find out what will work for me. Also, since I'm in graduate school to be a therapist, it finally occurred to me that I should find a therapist to work on the root of all of my triggers. And, I made it public knowledge to all of my friends, family, classmates, etc... that I slipped and I am actively seeking sustainable sobriety now. Hopefully this will bring me more support, as well as keep me accountable for my actions.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is where I am today: sober, cautious, optimistic, determined, and fully aware of myself.

least

Welcome back! When I started drinking again in 2007 I ruined 20 years of sobriety. But I finally got smart and got sober again and now have six years. I won't go down that road again as I know it leads to misery.