Feeling sad about my partner
 

Hi there, I really love my boyfriend more than words can say. He's a passionate, loving, caring, funny and affectionate man. Unfortunately, he seems to have a problem with drinking. He doesn't drink daily, or even weekly did that matter. He can go 2 months without drinking, however when he does, he lies to me and may drink for 2 days straight and ignore me. We do not live together, so he basically ignores my phone calls and text messages and sometimes becomes flat out mean to me when I ask if he's drinking. I am posting today because he spent the day with my son and I yesterday and was going to stay the night, however then tells me he is going home to finish laundry and chores. Unfortunately I knew right then and there what would happen. I haven't heard from him in about 4 hours now going in today. When he is sober I hear from him every hour at the least. I feel so hurt that he lies to me and can't understand how he can continue to treat me this way over and over again. We took a break in our relationship about 6 months ago due to this issue. When he's drunk and I text him that I've had it ( because he won't answer his phone so I have to text) he then begs and pleads for help. When he sobers up, he doesn't feel he has an issue and thinks he will be fine. He's been to a few meetings and says they aren't for him. I'm at my wits end and don't want to leave him. We talk about getting married someday. I just don't know how I can trust marrying a man that feels the need to ignore me and choose alcohol over me every few months. Any inspiring words you may have would help me greatly at this time.

I understand you don't want to leave him, but you cannot change him. He will only change when he is ready to. Can you accept him for who he is and the limits that it puts on your relationship?

You can't make him change, the only person you can change is you, how you react to his behavior. Are you willing to spend your life with someone who periodically treats you so badly? :( I know you love him, but do you trust him? Trust is essential to a good relationship.

I'm sorry for your situation.

Sadly, there is little you can do to help him change. That's something he will have to decide himself. I hope you continue to read and post because we do understand how hard this is.

I am trying to accept who he is but its so hard for me to understand and I get sad, then angry.

That's the tough part. I can't trust him. Even when he tells me he just took a nap, I have trouble believing it because it's happened so much in the past.

Thank you. I really need to let out my feelings and feel this may be a good outlet for me. Thanks for your support.

Welcome to the Forum Joy!! :wave:

Thank you 😀

When I was drinking and taking pills, which ended 5 years ago next month by the way, my husband was at his wits end also. While its true that we have to alter our own behavior, ans while its also true you always need to do whats in your best interest - I can say without hesitation the reaaon I stopped and got help was because of my husbands support and encouragement. Now I was drinking on a more regular basis than your bf, but my guess is something triggers him to drink at these times. Have you been able to step back emotionally from your frustration and talk to him about why he is in this pattern? I found help through my family doctor and referral to a therapist. Its fine
if he doeant want to do AA because its only one option for help among many. You might read up on Smart Recovery and see if it would help both of you. It can even be used online and works for people who recognize they need a change of patterns. Im on the other sise of the coin now, my husband is under an addiction so now Im seeing what he experienced.

It is very hard for a 'normie' to understand alcoholic thinking (it's hard for alcoholics to understand it as well most of the time). Active alcoholics have a strange relationship with truth and honesty. They tend to 'manipulate' it to make it sound better, just tweaking it here and there slowly but surely in their head until it isn't 'really' true, but the vein of truth that is there justifies it for them in some way. 'Denial' = 'Don't Even Notice I Am Lying'.

It might help you to go to AlAnon meetings. Lots of information, advice and support from others who have been / are going through the same as you.

You might also find the 'friends and family' area of this forum useful and interesting. (Maybe post your query in there as well.)

I'd say this relationship is unusual anyway. Do you think that contacting every hour is 'normal'? I'm not sure it is, but I've been with my partner 24 years, so maybe I'm just out of touch.

Anyway - welcome to the forum. I hope some folk on here will be able to help in some way. :)

Hi Joy youl find tons of support here

Welcome to SR, Joy! I'm sorry you're dealing with this but you'll find a lot of support here. I'm afraid I will concur with the previous posters- you can't force him to change. This is from personal experience, back when I was on the other side of table. I loved my wife at the time so completely that it ached...but that didn't stop me from drinking every night. Alcohol is really powerful to an alcoholic, and we will burn our lives completely down to the ground and still keep drinking. Back then I wasn't ready to stop, and you need to want to for yourself. It just doesn't work to do it because someone is "forcing" you to.

I'm with Beccybean. Perhaps find an AlAnon meeting. Learn not to worry so much. It's his life.. and also.. texting every hour seems like a lot to me too.

Maybe he just needs some space. Maybe he doesn't know how to tell you that. Some of us, especially ACoA like me, have a very hard time setting boundaries or asking for what we need.

"...and still keep drinking." A more self destructive animal has not been found.

I keep re-reading your post and thinking maybe he just needs time to himself after spending all day with you and your son. Please don't take that wrong. If he's an introvert like I am, it's tiring to spend a lot of time with people. We need time to 're-charge.. and even the constant messaging interrupts that. I also get worn out by my gf's 8 year old son who talks incessantly.

I say all of this because his drinking seems more like occasional binge drinking to relieve stress, than alcoholism, especially when he drinks so sporadically.

Welcome to the forums, Joy. Lots of support, wisdom and most of all understanding by folks who've dealt with similar things as you.

You wrote:

I haven't heard from him in about 4 hours now going in today. When he is sober I hear from him every hour at the least.

To me this is a bit concerning. I totally get it that you both perhaps feel a need to connect frequently each day. But every hour seems a bit excessive to me (if it were me). However, if texting or something that keeps you in touch with each other is agreed by both of you something you really need and something you want to do. Each couple has their ways of meeting needs. Maybe he is just busy; maybe tired; perhaps bogged down with work...and the list goes on. I wouldn't take his not contacting you every hour personal or that it is a sign something's wrong.

Please feel free to share more on this, if you want....we are an understanding bunch. I'm fairly new here myself, but so far this board has been a tremendous help!

I think advbike has made a few good points. Also, it sounds to me like your partner is wonderful man whom you love and appreciate very much. I'm sure the two of you can sort this problem if you put your minds to it.