Alcohol is destroying me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 5
Alcohol is destroying me
hello,
This is my first post here. I came to this forum because I want to quite alcohol and also because i needed to write. At this moment I am feeling really depressed and I cannot stop bad thougts to haunt me. I feel restless. I am not suicidal but i often wonder if I really want to keep living. For now I guess I still want to try.
I am 21 years old. il I have been social anxious until recently, so I have struggle with depression for a long time. I have never felt happy. I have work very hard not to be shy anymore and I have succeded to an extent. I have used alcohol as a medication to feel more confident and to be able to have fun. But it's not fun anymore, if it has ever been so at all. I drank massively at parties, but also in more moderate amounts in my daily life in order to feel less anxious around people. But here is the thing: when I drink, I become extremly unpleasant, I have no more boundaries and I behave very dangerously.
I cannot count the number of people I have offended or hurt. Sometimes I even hurted people who were important to me. Under alcohol influence, I become hostile and agressive, i see people as threats, I feel that they are all assholes. I become so stupid. I have fought many times with club bouncers, I make fun of people without caring the slightest bit for their feelings.
Morning are horribles, for I feel so ashamed. I hate myself. And I have to deal with the consequences of my behaviour. So many people dislike me, often for reasons I don't know. I don't even remember meeting some of them. Sometimes i engage people only to find that they don't like me because I was unpleasant to them. I have become paranoid.
I think I am a nice person; I want to help people, i want to love and being loved and I want to work for a better world. But I am so bad at interacting normaly. I feel profoundly depressed by the fact that so many people have a bad opinion on me when it is really not me. I guess that I have felt so much frustration in my life that it comes out as anger and hostility when I am drunk.
I want to stop drinking to become a better person. It will be hard because I still feel anxiety in some social situation and I have trouble to have fun. But I have to or it will kill me. Luckily I have no addiction, I hope that I am still writing in the right place, i came here because of my relation with alcohol. I hate it so much.
I want to be nice to people even if sometimes I judge them too harshly. I don't want to fight anymore. I want to be relaxed around people and to remember what i do, i want to relieve my mind from bad thoughts about conflict and how bad people are. Maybe i should try something that scare me, as I have done before, in order to become stronger. I want to work as a waiter in parallel with my studies to get used to have a lot of people around.
I
This is my first post here. I came to this forum because I want to quite alcohol and also because i needed to write. At this moment I am feeling really depressed and I cannot stop bad thougts to haunt me. I feel restless. I am not suicidal but i often wonder if I really want to keep living. For now I guess I still want to try.
I am 21 years old. il I have been social anxious until recently, so I have struggle with depression for a long time. I have never felt happy. I have work very hard not to be shy anymore and I have succeded to an extent. I have used alcohol as a medication to feel more confident and to be able to have fun. But it's not fun anymore, if it has ever been so at all. I drank massively at parties, but also in more moderate amounts in my daily life in order to feel less anxious around people. But here is the thing: when I drink, I become extremly unpleasant, I have no more boundaries and I behave very dangerously.
I cannot count the number of people I have offended or hurt. Sometimes I even hurted people who were important to me. Under alcohol influence, I become hostile and agressive, i see people as threats, I feel that they are all assholes. I become so stupid. I have fought many times with club bouncers, I make fun of people without caring the slightest bit for their feelings.
Morning are horribles, for I feel so ashamed. I hate myself. And I have to deal with the consequences of my behaviour. So many people dislike me, often for reasons I don't know. I don't even remember meeting some of them. Sometimes i engage people only to find that they don't like me because I was unpleasant to them. I have become paranoid.
I think I am a nice person; I want to help people, i want to love and being loved and I want to work for a better world. But I am so bad at interacting normaly. I feel profoundly depressed by the fact that so many people have a bad opinion on me when it is really not me. I guess that I have felt so much frustration in my life that it comes out as anger and hostility when I am drunk.
I want to stop drinking to become a better person. It will be hard because I still feel anxiety in some social situation and I have trouble to have fun. But I have to or it will kill me. Luckily I have no addiction, I hope that I am still writing in the right place, i came here because of my relation with alcohol. I hate it so much.
I want to be nice to people even if sometimes I judge them too harshly. I don't want to fight anymore. I want to be relaxed around people and to remember what i do, i want to relieve my mind from bad thoughts about conflict and how bad people are. Maybe i should try something that scare me, as I have done before, in order to become stronger. I want to work as a waiter in parallel with my studies to get used to have a lot of people around.
I
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
Drinking to have fun? From what you described, there is nothing fun about your drinking. Safer for you to be anxious than drunk. And there's better ways to deal with social anxiety than drinking.
Focus on not drinking first.
Originally Posted by Eliad 
I want to stop drinking to become a better person. It will be hard because I still feel anxiety in some social situation and I have trouble to have fun.
Focus on not drinking first.
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,066
Welcome, Eliad!
I hope you spend some time reading and posting here. Many of us have a similar story to yours, and have found strength and hope here at SoberRecovery.
I hope you spend some time reading and posting here. Many of us have a similar story to yours, and have found strength and hope here at SoberRecovery.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
Welcome to the family. Alcohol was destroying me too, until I finally stopping drinking. Now I have a peaceful life and wake up feeling good. You can too. But you've got to stop drinking. It's hard, but you can do it. 
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Newfoundland
Posts: 365
I could have written that same post at your age, but plowed on with destructive drinking instead through my twenties and now regret it everyday. Good news is your clearly smart, and can put this behind you now and have a great 20's. Rooting for ya
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Newfoundland
Posts: 365
Also, no joke, I was just thinking TODAY that one of the reasons I'm glad I have a waiting job , is that it forces me to be regularly sober and social. Although it is at time really hard ( I'm a socially anxious person as well) , I'm really thankful for it because it is great practise for being sober and social in other situations
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 228
Originally Posted by Eliad
hello,
I think I am a nice person; I want to help people, i want to love and being loved and I want to work for a better world. But I am so bad at interacting normaly. I feel profoundly depressed by the fact that so many people have a bad opinion on me when it is really not me. I guess that I have felt so much frustration in my life that it comes out as anger and hostility when I am drunk.
I want to stop drinking to become a better person. It will be hard because I still feel anxiety in some social situation and I have trouble to have fun. But I have to or it will kill me. Luckily I have no addiction, I hope that I am still writing in the right place, i came here because of my relation with alcohol. I hate it so much.
I
I think I am a nice person; I want to help people, i want to love and being loved and I want to work for a better world. But I am so bad at interacting normaly. I feel profoundly depressed by the fact that so many people have a bad opinion on me when it is really not me. I guess that I have felt so much frustration in my life that it comes out as anger and hostility when I am drunk.
I want to stop drinking to become a better person. It will be hard because I still feel anxiety in some social situation and I have trouble to have fun. But I have to or it will kill me. Luckily I have no addiction, I hope that I am still writing in the right place, i came here because of my relation with alcohol. I hate it so much.
I
Everytime I drink, it's because of social anxiety, and because i've been drinking so much, I find it hard to get excited or have fun a lot of the time.
Take it one day at a time. That's what i'm doing.
Good luck!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 22
Eliad, checking in to see how you are doing? I admire your courage for coming here and taking the first step. I agree with the advice above — focus now on quitting drinking. You are clearly a smart, kind person. . . and people WILL like you. The alcohol that you think is helping you (to open up, talk more, etc) is actually tearing you down. That's what it does. It destroys your confidence, and just as you said, causes you to do and say things that make you far LESS like-able.
Come here often. I am committing to checking in whenever my cravings or my feelings start to get the best of me. Will you do the same?
Come here often. I am committing to checking in whenever my cravings or my feelings start to get the best of me. Will you do the same?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 44
Welcome, Eliad! I was your age when I first realized I had a problem with drinking. Unfortunately, I didn't make enough effort to quit back then and am still trying to quit, 25 years later. It's much easier to quit when you're young and your brain isn't totally wired for booze, like it will become in the near future. It's a slippery slope, my friend, and a path I wish I had not taken. Don't waste your life being wasted, like I have. Take good care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 5
Hi,
Thank you guys for all your welcome and advice, it is really a nice read I didn't eat for two days, I just slept. Now that the hangover has gone, I feel a little better and the first thing I have to do is apologize to some people, even if sometimes it is hard.
I have a lot of work currently but I'll try to come here from time to time to exchange with you.
Cheers.
Thank you guys for all your welcome and advice, it is really a nice read
I didn't eat for two days, I just slept. Now that the hangover has gone, I feel a little better and the first thing I have to do is apologize to some people, even if sometimes it is hard.I have a lot of work currently but I'll try to come here from time to time to exchange with you.
Cheers.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 734
Only young with plenty ahead of you but already smart enough to realise that it's a problem and wanting to do something about it- many on here myself included have spent far too much of our lives controlled by drink and dealing with the fallout. Getting into fights and causing trouble is something I did a lot in my younger years and ended up with a custodial after a number of arrests, sounds like unless you stop then that's a path you could find yourself on too.
Pretty new here myself but a great place to be with lots of support - good luck with it, you can do it.
Pretty new here myself but a great place to be with lots of support - good luck with it, you can do it.
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