Hopeful. Excited. Scared.
 

Hi friends. I'm on day two, and I feel simultaneously positive / excited and like periodically breaking down and crying.

At 17, I started drinking recreationally — then became the victim of a violent crime. I didn't recognize it at the time, but I went through severe PTSD, and alcohol became my coping mechanism. I couldn't go out at night without it. It was my gateway to fun and relaxation. And that never really changed, all through college, and now long after.

I'm almost 38 now. I quit drinking once, for several years, and then convinced myself I could do it differently if I went back. You know the rest.

So I'm on day two now. My "rock bottom" is the dreams I have been having after long nights dreaming. Without alcohol, I do not dream of things like losing my 3 year old son to a violent death, etc. After the usual night of drinks,though, my dreams become horrors. And on top of all of that, I wake up every morning feeling ashamed of myself. I've lost my confidence. I've lost what was always my biggest strength: my desire to move forward, to accomplish things, to contribute, to progress and not regress.

And so I have to stop drinking.

But I still have all this liquor at the house. I'm still going to dinner tonight, to the basketball game. And it's been so long since I've done these things without a drink. I will persevere, but I'm afraid.

I'm glad to meet you, that you are here, that I am here.

Hi Atxjoshua

Thanks, Soberwolf. I like that thought. I have a bad habit of trying to go at things alone, and it's so comforting to remember that I don't have to ;_0

Welcome atxjoshua, today is the first day of the rest of your life, make it a good one... you can do this!

Welcome x Take one day at a time honey x It does help but also make sure you have a good support network around you too. I too experienced ptsd it is just horrendous, im in process of getting that treated too but before that happens I need to stay sober so Im mentally strong enough to deal with therapy. Really really important you have support x x x

Thanks, Blueberry! I think I need to stay busy. And try to stay out of my own head. I've been drowning so much in scotch and gin, I'm not sure what to expect on the emotional front — but I think it's time for me to acknowledge that whatever I feel will be more real, more authentic, and more me than what I've been feeling, which is nothing.

Why not get rid of that booze - you won't be needing it. If not tipping it down the sink, maybe keep it somewhere that isn't in the house.

I know. I've been procrastinating on this. I know I need to... and yet...

Hi, yes definitely get rid of the booze, the feeling of relief is totally worth it, go on u can do it!!!!! Ull have lots of emotions to deal with over the next few weeks/months. Ive been sober for almost 7 wks now & i wish id started sooner, uve done it before ao atleast u know u can!!!

Welcome to the Forum Atxjoshua!! :wave:

And yet? Could it be that your AV wants you to procrastinate on this? Like the movie, "I'll Cry Tomorrow". Or "just one more day and then we'll dump it down the drain...." Sobriety knows only the "Now". Begins with "now" and does it one day at a time. And the path becomes less steep later on.

W.

Hi and welcome.

Gotta say, I'm on board with wpainterw and loulou - you gotta ditch that booze, man. In my experience, there was part of me that did not want to LET GO and wanted to keep that door open a crack. After I ditched the booze, I ended up smoking marijuana a lot which did me no favors either. We've all been there.

As for going out to the hoops game (where you normally drink), why do you think this is a good idea on Day 2? Many folks with a year or two of sobriety would be on the fence about going. Heading out to social events on weekends can be a major trigger.

I'd recommend staying home. Tossing the booze. And watching the game on TV with a seltzer water and some popcorn. I'm sure your inner alcoholic thinks that's a horrible decision, but it's best for the new "sober you". Trust me, you won't be missing out on anything - you will be gaining a better foothold on sobriety. I was 36 when I got sober, and I'm 40 now, so I am in your age range and totally get it, man. But you gotta let go of this social stuff for a while. Good luck and again, welcome.

welcome.

Those are all normal feelings to have as you embark upon the unknown of sobriety.

I promise you, if you honor this choice and resolve to do a little bit each day to deepen your sobriety and live your life fully - this will be the turning point that opens you to the beauty and wonder of a life you never imagined possible.

Given the past you shared, please consider seeking out a therapist skilled and experienced in trauma. As you begin to return to yourself, the help and support of therapy would be a very powerful asset - both to your sobriety and to growing beyond the wounds of your past in healthy ways.

We're here for you, we understand. You can do it.

:grouphug:

Welcome, atxjoshua. We're so glad you're here with us.

I didn't know how I was going to live without it either. It was part of everything I did - for decades. Yet even though I was afraid to let go, I knew it was killing me. It was also not fun anymore - just something I thought was helping me cope. Instead, it was slowly stealing my soul. You don't need it. Congratulations on Day 2.

Some great advice here already atxjoshua :)

It may seem like a huge leap leaving a lot of your old life behind...but you're not alone...we understand - and we are proof it can be done.

Glad to have you aboard :)

D

Exactly that.

When I first went along to AA I thought / hoped that they'd tell me I wasn't a proper alcoholic and send me back out with the magic key to moderation so I could drink 'normally' (which I now realise isn't something that I ever wanted to do anyway). I was gutted when they told me 'Just don't drink, one day at a time, then get a sponsor and work the steps'.
"But what am I supposed to, y'know... DOOOO???" I asked. I couldn't envisage living without alcohol. In my view at the time, drinking was not even just what I did. It was who I WAS!

I now know that many of us feel fearful that once drinking is removed, we'll disappear, like the hole in a polo mint. We don't. It's more a case of gradually removing all the bits of us that AREN'T us. We're like shiny magnets that've been dragged through the junk-yard of life. We look at ourselves and see the junk. But that shiny magnet is still under there, and as we piece by piece deal with, and remove the junk, we start catching a glimpse of ourselves without it, we're given hope, and then we're motivated to keep going.

The thing is, it isn't The End. It's a new chapter. The beginning of a life without wreckage. The beginning of a life that can, with work on our recovery, be one not ruled by anxiety, depression, guilt or shame. The beginning of a life where we will learn how to deal with problems, and face them, rather than hiding our heads under the imagined safety of the fluffy alcohol blanket.

You can do . If you want to. It's not always easy, but it's most definitely worth it.

So many kind, insightful responses. I am grateful.

About to tuck in to bed and end day 3. I took all of your advice and poured out the liquor cabinet tonight. I knew I needed to do it. Now I have.

The basketball game actually went well — much easier for me there than at nice restaurants. Cocktails and straight booze are my biggest weakness, not beer, so I was able to enjoy the game and stick to a soda and a snack.

I felt so sad pouring out my best bottle of scotch. It's so messed up and irrational, how I could feel like I love this thing that just brings me pain, like it's a friend. I know it isn't. But that doesn't change the feeling.

That said, I am glad it's gone. And I'm looking forward to a new day tomorrow. :tyou

Glad your here too Joshua, be kind to yourself & know you are not alone in this!

I remember that feeling - some people liken it to the break up of a romance. Thing is, that friend is a sneaky; devious; backstabbing and selfish liar. And the worst of it (for me anyway) was, that false-friend alcohol not only made me miserable, it also encourages me to be just like It. I.e. a sneaky; devious; backstabbing and selfish liar.

At the moment the obsession for alcohol will still be one you. But, if you don't feed that obsession it will gradually lift. If you take a drink it'll be back with enforcements - the big downside to tapering suppose.

In the meantime, you can always make some new friends. Here on SR for a start, and maybe in a support group with a bunch of face-to-face friends who understand you; the obsession for drink that you're working through; and how mad sadness that you're feeling at the moment after saying goodbye to your false friend.

Things will get much easier, and much better. As long as you don't take that first drink.

Day 7! Taking a small moment out of a busy day to be grateful for each and every one of you, for:
— Your kind hearts
— Taking the time to offer your wisdom to a total stranger
— Creating a safe place for all of us to come, anytime we need it
— Your inspiration and reminders that we are all in this together, and nobody is alone