Willpower - I don't have it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 2
Willpower - I don't have it.
Hello,
I am a 35 year old mother of two beautiful little girls. One is 7 and and the other is 11. I have been married for 14 years. Where do I start? I ask myself "how did I get here." Why did I let myself get this far? Can I really be an alcoholic? I use to be only a social drinker. I would never drink at home just to drink at all. I knew better of how easy it would be to pick up a drinking habit. Both of my grandfathers were alcoholics. My two aunts and uncle were also alcoholics and all three of them died in their early 40's.
About 3 years ago I started drinking every now and then at home due, to my job. I would come home so stressed that I would pick up a small bottle of wine and enjoy a glass or two. It made me happy. I was able to do my mother duties without being annoyed. I definitely had it under control for the first full year. I would say in the last two years I started to drink more often, but not to the point of passing out. Gradually my tolerance got higher and I would increase my glasses of wine. I started working from home and well I started to drink earlier. Long story short my girls and husband started to notice. My job got to the point that I could not take it. I decided to quit working almost a year and a half ago. That did not help. It gave me a free pass to drink when I wanted to. My husband told me I had to much time on my hand. Maybe if I would do something like volunteer my time I would stop.
I'm doing that now and it is helping. I give myself at least 3 - 4 days in between of being sober. By day four I am craving it and find myself so annoyed, especially with my husband. Why can't I be like I use to be, a social drinker. Why can't I control my mind and say only two drinks. I keep telling myself "I don't drink everyday." When I do I'm at home and don't know when to stop. I drink till I pass out. If I run out while I have a buzz I will drive to go buy more wine. I HATE that I can't shut it off and stop. I love my girls and my husband "why can't I stop for them?" "How can I be so selfish?" I want to stop, but again by day four I'm so irritated. I find any excuse to go out to the store by myself to sneak some wine back home. I will hide it and drink it when no one is around.
My girls will cry and ask why I do it. I cry telling them I'm so sorry. I tell my husband he has no idea what it feels like to not be able to control it. I tell them that I want to stop, but I find myself back at it again. It's a cycle, I feel guilty the next day. I hate myself and all that I'm putting them through. I hate that my girls see me passed out. I hate that I'm living a lie and so are they to friends and family. No one has any idea of what is going on, but the three people that love me the most. I hate myself because there have been many times that I have gotten behind the wheel with my girls after have some drinks. Almost two months ago I realized how selfish I was being drinking and driving with my precious innocent girls. I put a stop to driving with them. God was definitely always watching over us every time I decided to drive with them.
I don't know what it's going to take for me to stop. My husband pleads with me and will ask me if I want to end up like my aunts and uncle.
I am a 35 year old mother of two beautiful little girls. One is 7 and and the other is 11. I have been married for 14 years. Where do I start? I ask myself "how did I get here." Why did I let myself get this far? Can I really be an alcoholic? I use to be only a social drinker. I would never drink at home just to drink at all. I knew better of how easy it would be to pick up a drinking habit. Both of my grandfathers were alcoholics. My two aunts and uncle were also alcoholics and all three of them died in their early 40's.
About 3 years ago I started drinking every now and then at home due, to my job. I would come home so stressed that I would pick up a small bottle of wine and enjoy a glass or two. It made me happy. I was able to do my mother duties without being annoyed. I definitely had it under control for the first full year. I would say in the last two years I started to drink more often, but not to the point of passing out. Gradually my tolerance got higher and I would increase my glasses of wine. I started working from home and well I started to drink earlier. Long story short my girls and husband started to notice. My job got to the point that I could not take it. I decided to quit working almost a year and a half ago. That did not help. It gave me a free pass to drink when I wanted to. My husband told me I had to much time on my hand. Maybe if I would do something like volunteer my time I would stop.
I'm doing that now and it is helping. I give myself at least 3 - 4 days in between of being sober. By day four I am craving it and find myself so annoyed, especially with my husband. Why can't I be like I use to be, a social drinker. Why can't I control my mind and say only two drinks. I keep telling myself "I don't drink everyday." When I do I'm at home and don't know when to stop. I drink till I pass out. If I run out while I have a buzz I will drive to go buy more wine. I HATE that I can't shut it off and stop. I love my girls and my husband "why can't I stop for them?" "How can I be so selfish?" I want to stop, but again by day four I'm so irritated. I find any excuse to go out to the store by myself to sneak some wine back home. I will hide it and drink it when no one is around.
My girls will cry and ask why I do it. I cry telling them I'm so sorry. I tell my husband he has no idea what it feels like to not be able to control it. I tell them that I want to stop, but I find myself back at it again. It's a cycle, I feel guilty the next day. I hate myself and all that I'm putting them through. I hate that my girls see me passed out. I hate that I'm living a lie and so are they to friends and family. No one has any idea of what is going on, but the three people that love me the most. I hate myself because there have been many times that I have gotten behind the wheel with my girls after have some drinks. Almost two months ago I realized how selfish I was being drinking and driving with my precious innocent girls. I put a stop to driving with them. God was definitely always watching over us every time I decided to drive with them.
I don't know what it's going to take for me to stop. My husband pleads with me and will ask me if I want to end up like my aunts and uncle.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,761
Welcome to the family. 
I know that feeling all too well and it's draining. I felt like I wasn't living anymore, just existing between wine bottles. 
You'll find lots of support for getting sober here.
I'm glad you joined us. I got sober six years ago and only wish I'd done it sooner.
I know that feeling all too well and it's draining. I felt like I wasn't living anymore, just existing between wine bottles. 
You'll find lots of support for getting sober here.
I'm glad you joined us. I got sober six years ago and only wish I'd done it sooner.
Learning to LIve
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: NSW Australia
Posts: 908
Hi Sage
Welcome to Sober Recovery. I could have written your post 3 years ago. Today I am sober.
IN my opinion it is not willpower you are lacking. It is a plan. A sobriety plan. The fact that you CAN stop drinking for 2 days is awesome. I could NOT do that. I could not stop drinking for my kids. So I know how that feels.
My hubby is an alcoholic. But I was sneeking drinks in the morning before work.
Have you seen a doctor, counsellor , considered AA any kinda therapy ? Check out AVRT (Addictive Voice Recognition Technique) (google it). It has helped me stop taking that FIRST drink many times the last few years.
You need to change your routine. Set some physical goals ... make some commitments... find an alternative beverage .. tea is mine ... and buy chocolate (or ice cream).
Suggest your hubby check out ALANON maybe ...
Come say "Hi" to us in the chat room. We will help you with any plan for nearly ANY situation. We have ALL been where you are today
Be kind to yourself
Welcome to Sober Recovery. I could have written your post 3 years ago. Today I am sober.
IN my opinion it is not willpower you are lacking. It is a plan. A sobriety plan. The fact that you CAN stop drinking for 2 days is awesome. I could NOT do that. I could not stop drinking for my kids. So I know how that feels.
My hubby is an alcoholic. But I was sneeking drinks in the morning before work.
Have you seen a doctor, counsellor , considered AA any kinda therapy ? Check out AVRT (Addictive Voice Recognition Technique) (google it). It has helped me stop taking that FIRST drink many times the last few years.
You need to change your routine. Set some physical goals ... make some commitments... find an alternative beverage .. tea is mine ... and buy chocolate (or ice cream).
Suggest your hubby check out ALANON maybe ...
Come say "Hi" to us in the chat room. We will help you with any plan for nearly ANY situation. We have ALL been where you are today
Be kind to yourself
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
Welcome sage3. As least said there's a lot of good support here. Sounds like you're to the point where you'll have to quit drinking all together. We're all here for you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,386
Hi Sage - welcome
I had plenty of willpower - but unfortunately part of my will was wanting to drink, despite everything.
What helped me a lot was focusing on acceptance instead. I accepted I had a problem with alcohol and I accepted the only way to deal with that was to remove alcohol from my life.
It';s a daunting prospect to think about but it really worked
Support is important too and I know you'll find a lot of support and ideas here.
D
I had plenty of willpower - but unfortunately part of my will was wanting to drink, despite everything.
What helped me a lot was focusing on acceptance instead. I accepted I had a problem with alcohol and I accepted the only way to deal with that was to remove alcohol from my life.
It';s a daunting prospect to think about but it really worked
Support is important too and I know you'll find a lot of support and ideas here.
D
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,285
Welcome, Sage!
My own experience is that the longer I drank the harder it was to stop. I don't see it as a failure of willpower. It's an insidious addiction. It sneaks up on us. Many of us have found out the hard way that once addicted, there is no going back to moderate drinking. Please get whatever help you need to help you manage this!
My own experience is that the longer I drank the harder it was to stop. I don't see it as a failure of willpower. It's an insidious addiction. It sneaks up on us. Many of us have found out the hard way that once addicted, there is no going back to moderate drinking. Please get whatever help you need to help you manage this!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Welcome!
As Betty Ford said, once you cross the invisible line, you can never go back. Those words are something that alcoholics must accept. I drank at home, alone too, and tried my best to hid it. Of course, that never works for very long, because alcoholism is progressive and it worsens.
Have faith that you can do this and you can be the person, the mother, the wife that you want to be. We're here for you.
As Betty Ford said, once you cross the invisible line, you can never go back. Those words are something that alcoholics must accept. I drank at home, alone too, and tried my best to hid it. Of course, that never works for very long, because alcoholism is progressive and it worsens.
Have faith that you can do this and you can be the person, the mother, the wife that you want to be. We're here for you.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
Welcome Sage - I'm so glad you've joined us.
When I came here I was overwhelmed by the encouragement & concern I received. I hope you'll feel the same. You are not alone. I'm glad you've decided to take this huge step. You can do it.
When I came here I was overwhelmed by the encouragement & concern I received. I hope you'll feel the same. You are not alone.
I'm glad you've decided to take this huge step. You can do it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 2
Thank you all for the words of encouragement. It is greatly appreciated. I know I need to pray hard and mean it. I'm so happy to read so many stories that will motivate me. I am also deeply blessed to have my husband that loves me tremendously.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 376
Welcome Sage -
Like LSC1 said, I believe it helps tremendously to have a plan to take action against. It may be different than others, but it will give you a framework to use and help keep you accountable.
You can do this...one small victory at a time.
Like LSC1 said, I believe it helps tremendously to have a plan to take action against. It may be different than others, but it will give you a framework to use and help keep you accountable.
You can do this...one small victory at a time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 226
Hello Sage,
You can beat this. I'm still pretty new to actually being successful. In fact just yesterday I fell flat on my face. It's hard sometimes. But so far the longer I hold out the easier it is to get back up again. Be strong! I wish you the best.
V
You can beat this. I'm still pretty new to actually being successful. In fact just yesterday I fell flat on my face. It's hard sometimes. But so far the longer I hold out the easier it is to get back up again. Be strong! I wish you the best.
V
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 3,805
Welcome Sage. Great step in finding this site. Your aware of your problem. Now, like Dee mentions accept it and move forward with a commitment to sobriety. Join a class here or step out and try an AA meeting. It's important to make connections with other people like you.
Once you step away from alcohol and realize you've been fooled into thinking your getting any real benefits you then can begin to live a life free from desire or need for drinking.
Best of luck to you.
Once you step away from alcohol and realize you've been fooled into thinking your getting any real benefits you then can begin to live a life free from desire or need for drinking.
Best of luck to you.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Welcome to the site Sage. I was also a home drinker and I can say that as time went on my drinking got worse and worse. Needed more of it and each relapse was worse and worse.
Do you have any kind of plan in place?
Do you have any kind of plan in place?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 5,250
Welcome Sage! I totally relate to your post! I'm only 18 days sober but what has been working for me is:
1. Check in to my November 2015 Class multiple times per day for accountability, support & to support others.
2. AA, a great sponsor who I call daily & 12 steps
3. Therapy
4. Lots of sleep
5. Regular meals (eat!)
6. Lots of water
7. Deep breathing
8. Urge surfing for cravings
9. Daily exercise
10. Lots of prayers
11. Journaling
12, Try to avoid stress & anger as much as possible
13. Most importantly, don't drink no matter what! Even if I have to lock myself in my house, sit on my hands, pray over & over for 5 hours (I did this on day 2!)
GREAT NEWS: after 18 short days, my cravings are 85% better and getting shorter and less each day. My depression has lifted. My anxiety is lots better! I am starting to feel happy & laugh again. I am noticing that my kids & husband seem happier. I am realizing how much my drinking hurt them as the fog is lifting. But I'm not gonna beat myself up...I'm just gonna keep working!
Hang in there! You can do this!
Maybe some of those things will help you.
1. Check in to my November 2015 Class multiple times per day for accountability, support & to support others.
2. AA, a great sponsor who I call daily & 12 steps
3. Therapy
4. Lots of sleep
5. Regular meals (eat!)
6. Lots of water
7. Deep breathing
8. Urge surfing for cravings
9. Daily exercise
10. Lots of prayers
11. Journaling
12, Try to avoid stress & anger as much as possible
13. Most importantly, don't drink no matter what! Even if I have to lock myself in my house, sit on my hands, pray over & over for 5 hours (I did this on day 2!)
GREAT NEWS: after 18 short days, my cravings are 85% better and getting shorter and less each day. My depression has lifted. My anxiety is lots better! I am starting to feel happy & laugh again. I am noticing that my kids & husband seem happier. I am realizing how much my drinking hurt them as the fog is lifting. But I'm not gonna beat myself up...I'm just gonna keep working!
Hang in there! You can do this!
Maybe some of those things will help you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
