Why can I not take my own advice?
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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Why can I not take my own advice?
If someone else were posting this dilemma I'd be ready with a response and support, yet I cannot seem to do this for myself.
I received an email this weekend that my "boss" (the homeowner whose property I manage) will be coming to Italy next week. He is a very nice man in his late 70's who goes out to lunch every single day of his life. I think he sometimes feels lonely, particularly when he is here in Italy, and he often invites me along. In the beginning I went regularly and drink from the one or two bottles of expensive wine he would choose. I then got serious about quitting. I went one time and faked an antibiotic prescription to not drink. The following time I allowed him to pour me a glass and would (this is so ridiculous I cannot even believe it as I type it) bring the glass to my lips to fake sip occasionally. I then just became "busy" and for his past several visits have not "been able" to join him for lunch and scheduled meetings to discuss business at other times.
Well he seems to have caught on to my busy schedule and has now sent an email a week prior to his arrival asking when I would be available for lunch.
He is a dear man, and I really do feel his loneliness, I'd like to be able to provide him company.
He is not someone I want to get into my alcoholism with. I will think of an excuse but this is still giving me a lot of anxiety that I do not feel like dealing with right now. I feel silly just typing it out, but it is real to me.
I'd love some words of wisdom to boost my esteem about this.
I received an email this weekend that my "boss" (the homeowner whose property I manage) will be coming to Italy next week. He is a very nice man in his late 70's who goes out to lunch every single day of his life. I think he sometimes feels lonely, particularly when he is here in Italy, and he often invites me along. In the beginning I went regularly and drink from the one or two bottles of expensive wine he would choose. I then got serious about quitting. I went one time and faked an antibiotic prescription to not drink. The following time I allowed him to pour me a glass and would (this is so ridiculous I cannot even believe it as I type it) bring the glass to my lips to fake sip occasionally. I then just became "busy" and for his past several visits have not "been able" to join him for lunch and scheduled meetings to discuss business at other times.
Well he seems to have caught on to my busy schedule and has now sent an email a week prior to his arrival asking when I would be available for lunch.
He is a dear man, and I really do feel his loneliness, I'd like to be able to provide him company.
He is not someone I want to get into my alcoholism with. I will think of an excuse but this is still giving me a lot of anxiety that I do not feel like dealing with right now. I feel silly just typing it out, but it is real to me.
I'd love some words of wisdom to boost my esteem about this.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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No, he is not. I just hate that this is causing me anxiety a week out. I have to remember that other times I have said "no thanks" people have not even given it a second thought.
I think what is causing me anxiety is a couple of things. I personally think he drinks too much. He behaves like an alcoholic when it comes to his wine. We all know that other alcoholics do give more pause to someone saying "no" Secondly, he is my boss, so I am very careful about my behavior and pleasing him. Declining his invitations time and time again, now he makes the effort to schedule ahead of time, I feel I must go. Because of his own alcoholic tendencies I feel an "excuse" is in order him having seem me drink freely in times past. Ugh, I am over thinking this, I know I am.
I think what is causing me anxiety is a couple of things. I personally think he drinks too much. He behaves like an alcoholic when it comes to his wine. We all know that other alcoholics do give more pause to someone saying "no" Secondly, he is my boss, so I am very careful about my behavior and pleasing him. Declining his invitations time and time again, now he makes the effort to schedule ahead of time, I feel I must go. Because of his own alcoholic tendencies I feel an "excuse" is in order him having seem me drink freely in times past. Ugh, I am over thinking this, I know I am.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Just order an ice tea or soft drink and if asked you only need to say, "I'm not drinking today." I have found that most people I say this to never even give it a thought. It's usually a much bigger issue in our minds than in the minds of others.
Fact: Most recovered alcoholics will be dealing with this same issue from time to time, I think it to be very helpful to have a pre set answer to the, "would you like a drink." question.
At times I mention my sober tool belt.
This I think to be an important tool.
MB
Fact: Most recovered alcoholics will be dealing with this same issue from time to time, I think it to be very helpful to have a pre set answer to the, "would you like a drink." question.
At times I mention my sober tool belt.
This I think to be an important tool.
MB
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
That's perfect MMBob, "I'm not drinking today" which is the truth but does not give any indication to my private problem. If I were out with friends- old or even new- I no longer feel ashamed or afraid to say "I don't drink" meaning period, ever.
No one ever questions this, but they potentially could and I would be fine answering honestly that I felt like I had a problem and stopped.
But I do not want to, nor feel comfortable, sharing such personal information with my employer.
Thanks very much. Like I said, it helps to hear it from others. I'm sure I'll be back to this thread prior to the lunch for a reminder.
No one ever questions this, but they potentially could and I would be fine answering honestly that I felt like I had a problem and stopped.
But I do not want to, nor feel comfortable, sharing such personal information with my employer.
Thanks very much. Like I said, it helps to hear it from others. I'm sure I'll be back to this thread prior to the lunch for a reminder.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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Just tell him you really enjoy his company but you are no longer drinking.
Stop 'hiding'
Trying to edit ourselves makes it worse, fosters shame and creates pressure to be like others.
You needn't go into details about why you don't drink and if pressed simply say 'I've decided that drinking doesn't align with how I want to live.'
I'm not drinking today only postpones the problem to next time. And it leaves a subtle door open for you internally.
"I don't drink" is honest and it shuts the door
Stop 'hiding'
Trying to edit ourselves makes it worse, fosters shame and creates pressure to be like others.
You needn't go into details about why you don't drink and if pressed simply say 'I've decided that drinking doesn't align with how I want to live.'
I'm not drinking today only postpones the problem to next time. And it leaves a subtle door open for you internally.
"I don't drink" is honest and it shuts the door
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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First, it's terrific that you are taking this so seriously, and that drinking with him is not an option you've put on the table. That's a terrific sign.
From your description of him, he sounds like a lovely man. I guess my question is why would you feel you'd need to get into a discussion about alcoholism if you simply declined a glass of wine? When I've declined a drink reactions have ranged from none at all, to mild curiosity, to only occasional debates about the subject, usually from people feeling defensive about how much they drink. But I've never used the word "alcoholic". I've simply said I realised that I don't actually enjoy it, and would rather not drink. But I make it clear I don't have any issue with anyone else drinking. If you just asked for a San Pellegrino, and let him order whatever he wants without him being made to feel awkward, do you think he'd be angry? So disappointed in you he wouldn't want you to work for him any more? What is the worst case scenario? There are other ways you could put it. You could say you've been on a cleansing programme a friend recommended that cuts out alcohol (and perhaps add a couple of other things if that helps), and you really feel your energy levels have risen so much you're going to stick with it. Or you could say it took you a long time, but you suffer from migraines, and you finally figured out that alcohol triggers them, and you haven't had one since you stopped drinking.
The fact that you always drank wine with him in the past, doesn't mean you have to in the future. If you do feel he'd put you under pressure to drink, then of course keep making excuses to avoid having lunch with him, but if he is as nice as you're describing, and you don't feel you'd be putting your sobriety at risk, I'm sure there are ways to firmly but politely say no to sharing that bottle that don't lead to awkward discussions about alcoholism.
From your description of him, he sounds like a lovely man. I guess my question is why would you feel you'd need to get into a discussion about alcoholism if you simply declined a glass of wine? When I've declined a drink reactions have ranged from none at all, to mild curiosity, to only occasional debates about the subject, usually from people feeling defensive about how much they drink. But I've never used the word "alcoholic". I've simply said I realised that I don't actually enjoy it, and would rather not drink. But I make it clear I don't have any issue with anyone else drinking. If you just asked for a San Pellegrino, and let him order whatever he wants without him being made to feel awkward, do you think he'd be angry? So disappointed in you he wouldn't want you to work for him any more? What is the worst case scenario? There are other ways you could put it. You could say you've been on a cleansing programme a friend recommended that cuts out alcohol (and perhaps add a couple of other things if that helps), and you really feel your energy levels have risen so much you're going to stick with it. Or you could say it took you a long time, but you suffer from migraines, and you finally figured out that alcohol triggers them, and you haven't had one since you stopped drinking.
The fact that you always drank wine with him in the past, doesn't mean you have to in the future. If you do feel he'd put you under pressure to drink, then of course keep making excuses to avoid having lunch with him, but if he is as nice as you're describing, and you don't feel you'd be putting your sobriety at risk, I'm sure there are ways to firmly but politely say no to sharing that bottle that don't lead to awkward discussions about alcoholism.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Your over thinking this you got to have a lil faith in your sobriety xx
Mera is polite Mera has friends Mera doesn't drink
I think no thanks works perfect as its polite but if you must order a coca cola/Pepsi/fanta etc
Mera here's another thing as much as he is your friend and really dear to you surely he'd understand if you altogether couldn't make it
Nothing comes before your sobriety
Mera is polite Mera has friends Mera doesn't drink
I think no thanks works perfect as its polite but if you must order a coca cola/Pepsi/fanta etc
Mera here's another thing as much as he is your friend and really dear to you surely he'd understand if you altogether couldn't make it
Nothing comes before your sobriety
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no thank you -- not today.
Originally Posted by Meraviglioso 
That's perfect MMBob, "I'm not drinking today" which is the truth but does not give any indication to my private problem.
We get to a point in time in sobriety where we don't even think of such things as these. It's now just natural -- we don't drink and have no problem saying no thank you -- not today.
MB
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Hi wow know where you are coming from big time.. had a gent back in the 1980's that was the best pal ever.. Vern... as I say his name I can see him sitting there. chatting away about a ton of things.. that we only chatted about.. because of him my clown did better my children were safer and my health was better.. but he drank way to much.. and always there was a glass of wine ... very nice wine for me... ekkeek tried so hard not to over drink.. but one lead to another and another .. and just added to my problem... it was hard.. but one summer evening I just said. hey kiddo No .. just No. why because its just not good for me. he laughed oh really.. Yes. looked him in the eye and said my Dear Friend its not good for you either.. Vern was 20 years older then me.. funny when we went to dinner.. the waiters were always such smart guys.. and your GrandDaughter would like. hahahahahaha... he has passed several years ago.. right this minute miss him very much.. boss mate pal best friend or Best all and Lover.. he is older then you.. put your hand over your wine glass and just look him in those lovely eyes and say I can't its just not good for me.. please.. and if he is the Grand Gentlemen you know him to be .. he will understand and a lovely tea with mint is the drink for you.. love you have such a grand time.. and look to the west and remember my Vern .... love ardy
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Mera, I would just suggest that you don't start bringing in lies. That will make you feel bad about yourself. If you don't suffer from migraines (for instance,) I wouldn't start using that as an excuse.
It's none of his business why you don't drink. "I've quit drinking," is all that is needed to be said. He probably doesn't know you as a drunk, he obviously respects you as an employee and, "I feel I get more done when I don't have a drink," could be a true way to answer. A good employee doesn't let drinking become part of their workday.
It's none of his business why you don't drink. "I've quit drinking," is all that is needed to be said. He probably doesn't know you as a drunk, he obviously respects you as an employee and, "I feel I get more done when I don't have a drink," could be a true way to answer. A good employee doesn't let drinking become part of their workday.
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Thanks bimini, I agree, I don't feel good lying. I did it with the antibiotics and as I am not a liar by practice, it didn't sit well with me and I felt uncomfortable and like he could see right through it (even though he probably took it at face value). If it were not a business employer/employee relationship I would have no trouble telling the full truth. As I mentioned I think he has his own issues with alcohol so there is that distinguishable "oh, ok" disappointment when he doesn't have someone to share a bottle with. But it is certainly nothing to lose my sobriety over. He really is a lonely man and treats me very well (in a professional way, i want to make that clear!) so I would like to be able to give him some company (and, truth be told enjoy a meal I could never afford on my own 
)
I will just say no, I'd prefer sparkling water. If pressed I will say I have work to do in the afternoon, which will be the truth!
) I will just say no, I'd prefer sparkling water. If pressed I will say I have work to do in the afternoon, which will be the truth!
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Mera, I used the antibiotic lie once too and felt miserable about it. I decided I wouldn't allow anyone to put me in that position again. You don't owe him and explanation other than, 'No, thanks'. If he asks why, just smile and change the subject.
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A simple 'no thanks' is always my response.
You don't owe anyone an explanation. If anyone pressures me, which is truly rare, I respond 'no thanks; I don't drink'.
Hope that you have a very nice lunch, Mera. Remember it's always so much fun saving those 'extra calories' for dessert!!!!!
You don't owe anyone an explanation. If anyone pressures me, which is truly rare, I respond 'no thanks; I don't drink'.
Hope that you have a very nice lunch, Mera. Remember it's always so much fun saving those 'extra calories' for dessert!!!!!
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I've found that "No, thanks" works just fine 98% of the time. You don't owe anyone an explanation. For that 2% for whom that's not enough, I simply say "No thanks, I don't drink". It's honest, doesn't say any more than I want to and has so far never failed :-)
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I say...just have a wonderful lunch and say "no thanks " to the wine. You don't owe him any further explanation. If he presses, tell him you have a busy afternoon or something. No need to make anything up or feel bad about it. I think in the long run he'll respect you for not drinking.
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