shortstop81

Hi all. I’m not exactly new here, but I wanted a fresh avatar so I can try and make a fresh start. I’ve been coming to these forums on and off for almost 10 years.

Booze is my problem, and has been for a long time. I’ve been in and out of AA many a time. I went to an outpatient program last spring.
I feel like I have many of the tools to prevent relapse, but choose not to use them and I don’t quite know why. I finally got some Antabuse prescribed to me and have to wait another day to safety take it. But again – it’s only effective if I commit to taking it every day.

I guess I need to vent and wallow in self pity for tonight. The amount of self loathing I feel is completely all-encompassing. I have friends and family who have an idea of what I’m going through, but I feel like I want absolutely nothing to do with anyone right now. I feel beaten, humiliated, weak, and pathetic.

I have a young son whom I feel like I’m not 100% there for. I have a newish romantic relationship that I feel I’m going to inevitably destroy. I have friends and counsellors who have been trying to reach me and I just can’t bring myself to speak to.

At this moment I just can’t stand to sit in my own shame. I feel like I don’t know how to be the person I want to be.

Tonight – no drinking. I’m working the overnight shift.

Step12

Don't expect a miracle to happen overnight but it will happen. Very easy for us to go into self-loathing and shame. No matter how hard it is trying to put your child second but your Sobriey he has to come first. You can't be much for your child if you're drinking a lot of times people don't understand that sobriety has to come before everything you love you not where you are to take care of anyone else if you're drinking. Concentrate on one thing at a time stay sober Joan ignore your child but don't try to be the supermom you are not at that point yet just a kind and hide your pain from your child they do not need to see that. Be professional with your child for lack of a better way to put it keep your game face on

Step12

As for prescription medication if you're not taking it the way you're supposed to be taking it and actually make it worse and put you in a bad place. Set the same time every day when you wake up to take your medication. Even if you don't think it's working continue to take it or discuss with dr

Hereandnow2

That misery is what eventually brings us happiness in sobriety. You can do it. If you can get some time under your belt it will get easier. I made a commitment to one year sober. No. Matter. What. It helped me. By six months I didn't really think I would want to go back to the chaos of drinking.

wehav2day

Oh shortstop, you are soooooo not alone! I remember that guilt and shame like it was yesterday.

The one silver lining is it can be your absolute last time. This guilt, shame, anxiety, hangover.. It can stop.

Pills can help. We have to recover too. Do you think it's time to embrace recovery? Looks like as good a time as any. Recovery is simple. Like they say, it's simple but not easy. But it makes life worthwhile.

Rooting for you!

least

Welcome back. I hope the support here can help you get sober for good. It helped me.

shortstop81

I sooooooooo want this to be the last time. But I feel like I've been here before. What do I do different this time? The Antabuse isn't a permanent solution.

As soon as I start to feel 'good' again, physically and emotionally, I think it's fine to pick up a drink. Just for 'one last time'.

LadyinBC

Do you have a plan? I relapsed over and over again and one of my problems was not having some kind of plan in place. The important thing is to take control of your recovery and come up with a plan of attack. A plan helps keep you focused.

I was lucky that I had a great alcohol counsellor who got me into daytox. A 3 - 4 week program that they have out here. Best thing I ever did. I am in Vancouver, BC and I am sure that Toronto would have the same sort of program out there. Best thing, we are in Canada so should be no cost to attend if it is offered provincially.

wehav2day

As soon as I start to feel 'good' again, physically and emotionally, I think it's fine to pick up a drink. Just for 'one last time'.[/QUOTE]

^^^^^^^^ yeah, so that's gotta go.

Until I could accept that I'm an alcoholic, that I'm never gonna moderate and I'm sure as heck never going to drink like a "normal" person, whatever the heck that is.

I went to therapy, outpatient rehab. Then I joined aa. Are you willing to try some kind of face to face program? That can really help.

In order to recover, we have to change. Let go of our old habits and ideas, the ones that got us drunk. Recovery is a mind, body and soul kind of thing.

wehav2day

There are a lot of good resources on here about forming a plan and stuff. Look at the top of the futon, for things called stickies. Lots of good reading and help there.

If you are honest, open and willing, you can do this!

shortstop81

Well I did do the 3 week outpatient program last spring. I've seen addictions counsellors and social workers. I've gone here and there to AA and even had a sponsor for a while.

So I feel like a jackass, because all the help in the world is there for me. But for some reason I lose motivation or something....I'm pretty as soon as I start to feel confident my sobriety takes a back seat.

And then...the inevitable happens.

Ruby2

Well, you sound like you can see where you're sliding off into feeling comfortable in picking up a drink. I had to derail that. I started going to AA meetings when I didn't feel like it. I came here and read and posted even when I didn't feel like it. Above all, I couldn't forget that I can't drink like a normal person. The pain fades over time. I sometimes think that I could cage the lion if I picked up a drink but I'm only lying to myself. It's a wistful want but I don't need alcohol. If gives me nothing and takes so much away. I could drink any time I want but for today, I won't. Rinse, repeat, until I got truly comfortable saying and doing.

Hang in there.

Step12

I completely relate to what you're saying that's why am just going to say straightforward. That's where you get into trouble it's confidence pride and self will run riot that get you drunk in the first place. We alcoholic say we are in control and we've got this! It's when you humble yourself and I don't mean humiliate yourself but humbled yourself to the disease of alcoholism then you can maybe start to get help from other people this is not a situation where you want to go do it alone if you can go and just quit drinking without any help maybe you're not an alcoholic then because none of us can do it alone and the ones that do you go off by themselves and do it alone there probably crazier than I am at least LOL when you start feeling better and confident that's when you have to put the drink down that your trigger we all have triggered sometimes we drink because it's raining you drink because you're confident and you want to rule the world and be on top of it and enjoy yourself that might be something to look into being confident make sure you drink if you can recognize and start there then then maybe we could get somewhere from when I understand when you have hangovers and feel really horrible you don't want to drink from the guilt but once the guilt wears off you think that wasn't so bad I guess I can drink now. It's a vicious cycle isn't it? Self-realization you have to know your patterns you have to thanks for the drink you're not going to be confident for very long if you get drunk what's more important? Your sanity or a few drinks

wpainterw

Shortstop81: Have you ever thought how you might be getting jerked around by your AV? That thought "One little drink won't matter. I know now when to stop!" sounds so familiar. For thirteen years I was hearing it and, since I'm a slow learner I was suckered into it. Always, always, it put me on the slippery slope and yet I never caught on. I'm sure you're familiar with what goes on. The body has built up a tolerance to alcohol and has changed its metabolism, neurology, etc. to effect that. When the alcohol is removed the body wants it back and the AV volunteers to bring that about, "One more drink won't hurt!" "You deserve it" "It will calm you down". So it suckers you in. You end up back on the slippery slope (which gets steeper and slipperier over the years) and you end up falling in a mud hole of shame, which makes things only worse.
Don't listen to that AV. Get help from your doctor, counselor, other recovering alcoholics, avoid old drinking companions, places where drinks are served. Hang in there. Don't look back and look forward one day at a time. Never give up. All the best to you

W

Dee74

Welcome back

Posting here every day really helped cement the idea that it's the first drink that starts the trouble.

Reading my own posts and seeing my story reflected in others reinforces the conviction that as long as I don't take that first drink, my life is pretty good...if I do, I know I'll be back in the same old dark hole.

This is a good link on making a recovery plan -
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5314914

but I think the fundamental step, for anyone, is accepting your toxic relationship with alcohol.

You have to take drinking off the table as a viable option, and commit to finding other healthier solutions to whatever ails you.

This place can help with that too

D

PurpleKnight

At my lowest and weakest I found great strength, the reality being what have I got to loose? surely things can't get any worse? let's give Sobriety a shot and see what happens.

Alcohol is a road to nowhere, we don't have to keep doing the same thing day after day, we have the power within us to say no more and choose a different path.

For me support was the key to it all, my addiction would stop at nothing to get me to drink again, and in isolation it called the shots, so the trick was to never be isolated, daily support, something to get me outside of my own mind a few times a day, whether it be SR, meetings etc, support is needed in both the bad times and the good times to stay focused on the task at hand!!

You can do this!!

OpenTuning

A pattern I'm seeing on these forums, and it was certainly true in my case, was that many of us have made the logical, intellectual decision that alcohol is bad for us, that we should stop drinking, that it brings no benefits and causes great harm, and sobriety is the answer. Which is great. That's a huge first step.

But in the long run, I don't think that's enough. I don't think we can rely on our sober, first thing in the morning, logical brains to get us through all the temptations out there.

I'm 6 months sober now, and I put that down to managing to make the mental switch to genuinely not wanting a drink, not just convincing myself I shouldn't drink.

For me personally, AVRT was the first step. Realising that there are different parts of the brain which can be in conflict with each other. A primitive inner part of the brain that just wants pleasure at all cost. The AV people talk about. It will say and do anything to get that drink. That's where the "you've proved you're in control, so can drink moderately now" comes from. It uses the same voice as all the other thoughts in your head so I never knew it was there. So I used to listen to it just as much as that other rational part of my brain telling me to stop. Learning to identify that voice, realise that it didn't care at all about me, my health, my relationships, my job etc, was a huge leap towards getting control over it. I don't want to drink. The voice that tells me to go on, just have one, isn't the real me. I don't have to listen to it.

What also helped me was reading Allen Carr's book. It systematically destroyed all the arguments my AV would make for why drinking is good. I saw that all those things I thought it was doing were lies. I remembered how I had to teach myself as a kid to be able to drink because it tasted awful. And later I'd convinced myself I loved the taste. Lie. Need it to have fun at a party? Try watching your kids at a birthday party. Not a drop of alcohol in sight, and they're laughing, giggling, having a blast. Another lie. Need it to deal with stress? Hands up everyone whose stress was gone when they woke up with a hangover? Hands up everyone who have made a bad situation worse by drinking? I can't see any of you but think I can guess which one has the bigger show of hands

There are a lot of different approaches to sobriety out there, and there's no one size fits all, you've gotta find the one that works for you. But I really believe it's crucial to find a way to convince yourself that stopping drinking isn't a sacrifice. It doesn't have to mean a lifetime of daily denial of pleasure. Being sober is the best decision I've made because life is genuinely better. I'm enjoying it more, not less. I'm not walking around feeling virtuous, like some kind of martyr. I just feel happier.

Whatever approach you take, I hope it works for you and you manage to break this cycle for good.

Meraviglioso

I could have written this myself. I really wanted to quit forever and put in effort to do outpatient rehab, addiction counselors, hypnotherapy, AA, AVRT, forums, anti-anxiety drugs, exercise, meditation, reading…. you name it. I just could not STOP. I could not (and still cannot) wrap my head around why I kept relapsing. I would be doing well and then out of nowhere just decide on a glass of wine and down I went again.
I think I finally reached a solid combination of support that has worked this time. I too tried antabuse and did not drink for over a month and a half but for me the antabuse didn't address the cravings, I felt resentful of the side effects, I felt like my hand was forced, it wasn't ME that was staying sober but the medication forcing me to be. (****Note, I do not feel that way about other people, it is what I personally felt, if you are on antabuse and it helps I think that is great)
I begged and begged the addiction center to give me naltrexone as I had read so many great things about it but they would not. In Italy it is not prescribed for alcohol abuse, only heroin. I was resentful and annoyed and bought "you Italian idiots, the rest of the world is prescribing it, why won't you listen to ME!!!" I finally let it go and gave Campral a try, which is commonly prescribed abound the world for alcohol addiction and is the medication they use here in Italy. I was skeptical and kept looking for any hint that it wasn't working- relapsing and saying "see! If you would just give me naltrexone this wouldn't happen!" Again, I had to give up that fight and annoyance and really give the medication a go. I upped my dosage as I was just on the cusp weight wise for the dosage. I really let go of those resentments and let myself be open to the possibility that it would work. Well, it is working. I like it because I feel empowered by it. If I want I can drink on it. Nothing will happen except I will get drunk and have a hangover. It absolutely helps with cravings. They still come, but they are manageable. I do think it is a combination of the medication and finally reaching a point where I have built up the right formula of support and success around me. I attend AA when I can, I go to my appointments with the addiction counselor, I read on here and re-read books on alcoholism when I need to. I have enlisted the support of those around me. Most of all I cherish and use positive feedback to my advantage. My children's father called me last week to tell me he has noticed a huge difference in the kids- they seem happier, more relaxed and lighthearted and he said "I was afraid to tell you this because I don't want you to take it the wrong way, but I really think this is because you have quit the alcohol" He shouldn't have feared telling me that, it was the best thing I had heard during this years-long struggle.

I hear that you are tired of this and want to change. I know the feeling of having exhausted all of your options, but there really is always something more you can do. What do you think that is? What can you add?
Maybe you can see your doctor. I had asked previously and they told me that you can take Campral in combination with Antabuse. Maybe that would be something you could ask your doctor about. A little something extra to help with the craving part, while still having the back up of antabuse to ensure that you absolutely do not drink.

Meraviglioso

Sorry, I want to clarify my words about feeling empowered by Campral. I said "If I want to drink I can" without explaining that it is that choice that I feel empowered by and I have since chosen not to drink.

FreeOwl

Did you do all the steps?

Ready to do them again?

Are you seeing a therapist?

Do you have a list of possible interests that don't include drinking and have you identified places and ways to ty them?

Are you ready to stop going to places or hanging with people that are all about drinking?

Do you have service to others in your life? Volunteering or contributing to something meaningful?

Do you regularly exercise to help boost your mood, cope with stress and feel healthy?

Do you have a few sober friends you regularly spend time with?

If you answered no to any of the above, spend your time turning those to yes instead of loathing yourself.