Hi all
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 8
Hi all
Hi all,
I’ve lurked for a while. I’m ByTheBay, and, yeah, I’m an alcoholic. I’ve been drinking every day for over 20 years, trying to flood this huge yawning hole inside that craves affection and love and wants wants wants. But the hole and the drinking just got deeper and deeper, and blackouts became a regular nightly thing. And every day, my skin feels like it’s burning off my bones from shame and panic and the hangover as I try to guess at what I said and did the night before. I’ve lied, cheated, manipulated people, humiliated myself, lost my boundaries (if I ever had any).
I want to stop this. I'm so ashamed and scared and angry and arrogant all at the same time. And I know I can’t do it alone.
Reading here and elsewhere has helped me crawl through a lot of Day 1s and Day 2s. So many Day 1s; fewer Day 2s. That's on me for caving.
Tonight is a Day 5
that will soon be Day 6, if I let it. So I will not drink tonight. I’ll try to meditate, I’ll do the f---ing dishes piled in the sink, I’ll walk around the house in circles, I’ll lay comatose on the sofa, but I won’t drink.
Thank you for being here. Wishing you all a happy and healthy Thanksgiving!
ByTheBay
I’ve lurked for a while. I’m ByTheBay, and, yeah, I’m an alcoholic. I’ve been drinking every day for over 20 years, trying to flood this huge yawning hole inside that craves affection and love and wants wants wants. But the hole and the drinking just got deeper and deeper, and blackouts became a regular nightly thing. And every day, my skin feels like it’s burning off my bones from shame and panic and the hangover as I try to guess at what I said and did the night before. I’ve lied, cheated, manipulated people, humiliated myself, lost my boundaries (if I ever had any).
I want to stop this. I'm so ashamed and scared and angry and arrogant all at the same time. And I know I can’t do it alone.
Reading here and elsewhere has helped me crawl through a lot of Day 1s and Day 2s. So many Day 1s; fewer Day 2s. That's on me for caving.
Tonight is a Day 5
that will soon be Day 6, if I let it. So I will not drink tonight. I’ll try to meditate, I’ll do the f---ing dishes piled in the sink, I’ll walk around the house in circles, I’ll lay comatose on the sofa, but I won’t drink.Thank you for being here. Wishing you all a happy and healthy Thanksgiving!
ByTheBay
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,066
Welcome, ByTheBay! Five days is AWESOME!
Why not read around and post here for a while? Here's a couple good threads:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5661311
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5660424
Why not read around and post here for a while? Here's a couple good threads:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5661311
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5660424
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Welcome! I could have written your post....except the dishes are still piled in my sink. It does get better. Sounds like you've been trying for while and can't get too much time sober. Have you thought about what might help you stay sober? AA? Counseling? Support groups F2F? Yoga? You realize that you are filling a void in your psyche so that's good. Guess the idea is to fill that void from within cause all the external stuff just doesn't work. I know, I've tried . You're doing great....
. It does get better. Sounds like you've been trying for while and can't get too much time sober. Have you thought about what might help you stay sober? AA? Counseling? Support groups F2F? Yoga? You realize that you are filling a void in your psyche so that's good. Guess the idea is to fill that void from within cause all the external stuff just doesn't work. I know, I've tried . You're doing great....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Five days is huge.. you're almost through the physical withdrawal cravings.. the alcohol is long gone from your system.. the mental part is easier as long as you don't listen to the voice of your ego (AV).. telling you one drink will be okay... haha we know where that leads..
I know about that emotional hole.. and the wanting.. just ignore it for now and focus on the basics.. be in the moment - everything is okay. You're safe, warm, not hungry, etc..
Great job!! Happy Thanksgiving! You can do it..
I know about that emotional hole.. and the wanting.. just ignore it for now and focus on the basics.. be in the moment - everything is okay. You're safe, warm, not hungry, etc..
Great job!! Happy Thanksgiving! You can do it..
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Welcome BTB--great job on five days.
Hang in there--you may have some insomnia and the anxiety can take awhile to go away
but each day you stay sober you will get better, bit by bit.
Distract yourself, eat well, take long walks by the sea, and things will improve.
Hang in there--you may have some insomnia and the anxiety can take awhile to go away
but each day you stay sober you will get better, bit by bit.
Distract yourself, eat well, take long walks by the sea, and things will improve.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 8
Thank you all so much! This feels like such a safe place.
Frickaflip, I'm seeing a career/life counselor. I'm also doing the exercises in the book Refuge Recovery by Noah Levine. It's a Buddhist approach to facing what one has done, the cravings, and a kind of moral inventory.
Let's do this!
Frickaflip, I'm seeing a career/life counselor. I'm also doing the exercises in the book Refuge Recovery by Noah Levine. It's a Buddhist approach to facing what one has done, the cravings, and a kind of moral inventory.
Let's do this!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 1,730
BTB, you are well on your way to the life you have always hoped to have. Don't be side-tracked - by urges; by complacency; by fear. By anything. You can DO this!!
Good luck. I am glad you are here with us.
Good luck. I am glad you are here with us.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 2,393
Welcome, ByTheBay. You are doing so well. Keep it up!!
Tons of great info here on SR, and awesome support. Check out the Newcomers Weekender thread, see if you like it. Good place to just hang out and see what people all around the world are thinking and doing today and over the weekend. Like many SR threads, a very supportive, caring bunch if folks...and also hilarious.
In any case, stay close to SR, and POST if you are struggling! So glad you are here.
Tons of great info here on SR, and awesome support. Check out the Newcomers Weekender thread, see if you like it. Good place to just hang out and see what people all around the world are thinking and doing today and over the weekend. Like many SR threads, a very supportive, caring bunch if folks...and also hilarious.
In any case, stay close to SR, and POST if you are struggling! So glad you are here.
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