immri

I decided to stop drinking in March and had my last drink (after 2 brief relapses) in July of this year. I've been seeing a lot of positive changes in basically all areas of my life, and I'm much happier sober even through the harder times

The past few weeks I've been finding it hard to feel as certain that sobriety is my only option. I logically know how ridiculous I sound, and I definitely hesitated to post this because I do know the reasons I shouldn't drink and I don't even have any desire to be drunk/tipsy atm. I just can't seem to shake that desire for a few casual beers or a fancy cocktail on a girls night dinner. One of the things that makes me feel that way is all my friends and family continue to suggest I can drink again now that I'm obviously in a better place in my life, that as long as I had only a few there's no harm and really the more 'normal' thing anyway. That is of course not enough to make me drink, but I can see myself using their opinions as 'permission' and combined with my own rationalisations and cravings it sort of makes me feel like drinking is an option again

I was horribly ill and deeply depressed when I was drinking and so I'm surprised to feel such a strong pull towards some casual drinks now - particularly because I was mostly drinking alone, and when I have craved or missed alcohol in the past it has been this desire to buy a box of wine and get trashed OR missing some shots of liquid courage before social events etc

Those cravings I seem to manage just fine, perhaps because I'm able to dismiss them for how stupid they really are. But this urge to go catch up over a drink with friends doesn't seem to be going away, and being as impulsive as I am that scares me a little given how much I have on this week ...not to mention most of the places to eat around here or even work events are at pubs/bars/function centres with plenty of booze
I'm going out to dinner tonight, it's the afternoon here right now, and in all honesty at this stage I feel like a few beers with my burger or a coffee cocktail for desert would be just fine

I haven't really had these conflicting feelings before so id love any feedback, I'm a bit confused and frustrated with myself. I know it's a bad idea and a slippery slope, but it doesn't feel that way, it honestly feels harmless. Which is what scares me.
Thanks for being here guys

JD

All I can tell you is moderation never worked for me. I'm betting you hear that from a lot of others too.

soberclover

I was clean and sober for 13 years when I decided to drink again. I spent the next 8 years trying to talk myself out of the reality that I was still an alcoholic. I really really wanted to drink like everyone else....but I couldn't. I really wanted to believe that some people could drink again and I wanted to be one of "those" people. (By the way....I've never actually met one of those people yet). Be careful of what you talk yourself in to. I hope that you stay safe as you figure this all out. Because that is what we really are talking about is you staying safe. For me drinking wasn't safe.

badger257

I guess I have never understood "have a couple". What's the point? The taste? Looking for a buzz? Save the 20 bucks and buy something on ebay. At least that would be useful.

biminiblue

Is this about you truly believing it would be fine, or about your friends' encouragement?

If it's the friends - are they going to be there for you when you plunge into that deep dark swamp of alcohol induced depression again? They do not understand. If they don't respect your wishes - I would look for new friends, to be honest.

It's certainly your experiment to run. I can tell you I've read thousands of times on this site how this will turn out. Good luck.

immri

I think it's a bit of both to be honest, and I've already cut out most of my drinking buddies, these are friends and family who have seen me at my worst and been quite supportive, but they still don't see total sobriety as the answer. Which is fine, they don't have my experience with being unable to stop at some points and I understand that, but their encouragement for just a few is definitely adding to me feeling like a few drinks would be fine. If I were to it out everyone who felt that way not only would I end up with no one left, but I don't think I'd find many new friends anyway. I know everyone says everyone else drinks, and people on SR are quick to point out that's all in the alcoholics head but...not sure if it's a cultural thing or just where I live, drinking isn't something I can get away from. Now that I'm talking about it maybe this encouragement for just a few is something I won't ever escape either, so i'd love to be able to deal with it a bit better rather than giving in or running away

biminiblue

I didn't drink for 18 years at a stretch. It isn't difficult to say no.

You have to mean it, though. If you are still wavering, you won't be coming from an honest place and they will pick up on that.

People encourage me to do all kinds of stuff I know is bad for me. Do you think I went 18 years without being exposed to all kinds of drugs and alcohol? Of course not. I would like to sleep with every handsome guy I meet, too. I don't do that either. I make a choice that is in my own best interest based on past experience.

You have to own it. You do not have to drink.

immri

For sure I understand that, and I feel like that is exactly what I had been doing/why I haven't drank yet even though I've been around alcohol and people who drink and want me to most days so far. I suppose I'm just trying to understand what changed, why I'm as you say wavering now and what to do about those feelings. I don't think 'just don't do it' is working for me haha I guess I'm overthinking things but I'm trying to be honest and work through all these changes

biminiblue

Well, do you believe you are an alcoholic?

Maybe go back and read your old threads. Forgetting is a problem...especially after a few months when we start feeling good again.

I did a chronological timeline of my drinking and how things were. That will stop me... I just have to glance at it.

Dee74

I remember many times I heard similar things from family and friends and I leapt on it - cos my family and friends know me best, right?

If they say maybe I was in a bad place, and all I had to do is know when I've had enough, then that's what I'll do!

..of course, I soon reverted to drinking the way I used to.

My addiction stayed with me, good times and bad- it wasn't really dependent on my circumstances and I think, of you're honest, you'll say the same.

It's not a control issue for people like us - once I start to drink, I have no control.

My family and friends may know me - but they have no understanding of my addiction.

I do, and I think you do too.
That's what matters here.

If your life sober is not all you want it to be, the path to a solution is to find out what you need to do to get to where you want to be.

Booze is not going to take you anywhere but back the way you've come, I'm afraid, Immri.

I really wish you the clarity to make the right decision for your future here

D

immri

Thanks D, I'm glad to know the friends and family stuff isn't just to me, I do think they're well meaning but don't understand. I agree that if I was feeling more solid in my sobriety their comments wouldn't be given another thought. I'm not sure why I'm considering drinking again but I definitely don't blame them, I can see it's coming from me and I'm just using their 'support' to justify to myself that "see, I can drink!! Go ahead..."

immri

And I do believe I'm an alcoholic and haven't forgotten how bad I was, I'm just still finding it hard to convince myself that this time wouldn't be different...it's hard to see how things could deteriorate into full on drinking again if I were to just have a few. Maybe that's how it always feels? Maybe I'm just in a good mood so it seems hard to imagine things getting so bad again.
Lots to think about

strategery

If you're feeling the draw now after not having drank for awhile, think about how bad the cravings are going to be if you start again. I hope you don't pick up.

FeelingGreat

immri I do know what you mean, and the casual wine or beer with friends is an enticing picture. I went to a friends birthday party in a restaurant by the beach. Everyone had a glass of white wine, and you could look through the glass to the backdrop of the sand and wave. What a pretty picture. Luckily I knew enough to put it out of my head firmly, and order a large soda water with lime.

For us, this picture is a dangerous illusion, and we mustn't ever forget that. We know that drinking will awaken cravings and we'll gradually escalate back to our normal destructive levels. Put those fantasies firmly in their place.

Our friends don't understand because they aren't alcoholics, so we have to be tolerant, and move on with the conversation. I usually say, 'it wouldn't stop with one or two' and change the subject. Now, 3+ years on, they've given up and accept my decision.

I suggest you write a list of the specific incidents and reasons why you stopped drinking, to keep them fresh in your mind. As the memories start to fade, the AV steps up to tempt us.

fini

immri,
i fail to see how talking about it in terms of 'slippery slope' does anything other than lure you farther.
it is NOT a slope, slippery or not.
you drink or you don't.
no slope there.
the slope is where you're now, giving the "idea" some credence, toying with stepping over.

one choice you can make (and airing it here is a great part of that!) is to surround yourself with people who will help you step back, climb back up the slope you're going down instead of furthering the sliding.

SoberLife90

How many times have you had a few cocktails over dinner and that was all? You need to stay honest with yourself because you sound like your heading in a bad direction with that crazy thinking. Glad you posted it though. Better to talk to people before something happens. Anyways I cannot moderate myself. I can't just have a few woth some friends because I take things to the next level because thats just how i am. I drink like an alcoholic qnd I take drugs like an addict. The 1st step has 3 parts. 1. Honesty 2. Surrender 3. Acceptance

immri

Thanks so much for the responses guys it's great to read others experience and opinions as I get my head around all these feelings. I just want to clarify I'm not saying I'm going to drink or hoping to be either encouraged to or stopped from having a few drinks, I just wanted to air these thoughts and feelings before it becomes overwhelming.
I know for some over thinking things makes it worse and maybe some find it easier to just 'say no' and not question it, but it really helps me to speak about my honest fears and desires as things change, so very grateful to have this place to talk about it all.

KiKi0615

Boy does this scare me! A close friend of mine was sober for 7 months and said the same thing & drank again. This time she couldn't stop. She died from complications of alcoholism in her early 30's. So sad. She was gorgeous and so full of life. She just couldn't get sober again. She crossed that "invisible line". I hope you can get this all figured out and I wish you the best.

LadyinBC

I for one think it is important to talk about this sort of thing. Cause most of us get these feelings at some point. I still do from time to time wonder if I can manage a drink now and again and I am at 3 years. However, deep down I know I won't because my goal when drinking is to get drunk.

If I picked up a drink tomorrow, I would be right back where I ended before I quit. Me accepting that this was my relationship with alcohol was bittersweet and hard to accept. But I eventually did.

What you are thinking and feeling really isn't that uncommon at this stage, especially in the first year and coming up to milestones. Just be careful that you aren't setting yourself up for a relapse because we relapse way before we take that first drink.

At the end of the day the only person who can determine that you are an alcoholic is you. I am certainly not judging you, I can relate to what you are saying.

Lance40

I'm glad you posted. These thoughts and experiences are part of the sobriety journey. When I have times like you are going through, I generally find that I have lost some dedication to my sobriety, so I need to recommit. A good first step is reaching out and being open and honest like you are doing here. It's also a good idea to put some intentional focus on sobriety. For me that works best when it involves others such as becoming more active on SR, attending a support group meeting or phoning / seeing another sober alcoholic to talk about how it's going. I often find that when I do those things then I get back on track quite quickly.

I'm talking just as much to myself as to you, but as an alcoholic you will never be a normal drinker. The only outcome of you drinking is a descent into a miserable life. Alcohol will destroy you and in the process you will cause hurt, pain and grief to those around you. Sobriety gives you a wide open space to fill with the life of your choosing, but drinking will fill that space and rob you of the chance to live life on your terms.

Hugs and wishing you all the best. You can do this. :-)