badnewsbear

About once every two weeks or so I drink to the point of blacking out. I do fine in social settings. I can limit myself to just a few drinks most of the time when others are watching. But when I drink alone I have no control. I never have just one or two beers when I drink alone. I have seven or eight. Usually it's out of boredom or a way to cope with stress. I'm in a very volatile relationship. I'll start drinking as a way to cope with feeling rejected by my partner, and I just keep going. I'll call her and start fights, make calls to friends and family that I don't remember the next morning, and then spend days feeling embarrassed and worried about what I said or did while I was drinking because I can't remember. I drank last night, and haven't called my best friend today because I have two calls to her on my phone that I don't remember making. My partner isn't speaking to me and I have no idea why. I remember being at her house, then being home, and then nothing. I have a text from her later in the evening indicating that we saw each other again. I have no idea what went on for about two hours last night. It's humiliating.

There have been times in the past when I have been dependent on alcohol. For a year or so, I didn't make plans past 6:00 at night because I knew it was unlikely that I'd be sober. I got anxious if my kids had something that required me to pick them up late in the evening. I didn't make any kind of conscious effort to cut back on my drinking, it just sort of happened naturally when the stress I was under went away.

The binge drinking isn't new for me, but the blackouts are. About once a month something goes very, very wrong like it did last night. I can't do this any more, and I think I need help. I'm not sure where to start.

JD

Welcome to SR. This is a good place to start. There are a lot of resources, see the stickies, and good people to support you.

Anna

I think you are finding that alcoholism is a progressive disease. It will get worse unless you stop drinking. Alcoholism isn't about how often or how much you drink, it's about what happens to you when you drink. Blackouts are particularly dangerous because you will have no recollection of what happened to you during those hours. Do you want to stop drinking?

Jsbodhi

Hi!
Just last year I started blacking out too, its so horrible, everything you just described I know very very well.
You can quit, stick around here, soooo much good advice.
Xoxo

badnewsbear

I have to stop drinking. I don't feel like I have a choice at this point. I don't remember if I drove last night!

JD

You'll want to make a plan on how you'll stay sober. That's very different than getting sober. You had a bad night last night. But after a few weeks of sobriety that's easy to forget and it's easy to start thinking maybe you aren't so bad and can drink more reasonably. A plan will help you address that thought.

Behan

Hi,

Welcome to SR. You will get lots of support here!!

You do have a choice. You can choose to live sober. No more blackouts, no more shame, no more madness!! It starts with making a plan. You can do this!!

My best wishes,

B

loulou1981

Hi, sounds very familiar.....blackouts followed by that famous 'beer fear' when we wake up & try & piece together any part of it!!!! I feel ur pain, its just humiliating isn't it, but as u can c, u certainly aren't alone!!!

I tried moderate drinking about 100 times over the last few years & its taken time but ive accepted that i just cant drink at all as those times like u, when im alone i get totally sh*t faced, if its there, ill drink it all!!!

This is a great site, welcome!!!

thomas11

I believe that ranks pretty high on the danger scale. You've come to a very welcoming and helpful place.

On The Road

Welcome badnews. I know all too well about the mind-erasing blackouts. . . The good news is you can change your life. Hop off the f-ing crazy train and things will be so much better. Come join us!

Jsbodhi

Oh yes, trying to piece it all together is the worst part!

TheRake

Oh The Fear, the Fear...

Avoidance of the Fear sent me spiralling on binges

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VN4B-_quG8

badnewsbear

I don't know that I'll never have another drink again. I know that I cannot be drinking right now at all. My friends are great. Alcohol is a big part of our socializing, but it's not uncommon for one or several of us to not be drinking at any given time. No one is going to look at me weird if I order a seltzer water with lime at a bar. I don't have a problem not drinking in social situations. I went with a friend to watch a football game on Saturday. He had three beers and I didn't finish the one I ordered. I don't know what it is about drinking alone. I literally lose control. I started out the day yesterday by drinking three beers at home in the middle of the afternoon. I went to a bar with a friend and had another three beers, then two more at my girlfriend's house. I didn't have any beer at home, so I opened a bottle of wine that has been in my fridge since at least May. I couldn't stop. My fitbit tells me I went to bed at 9:00. I have no memory of what happened between 7 and 9. None.

I'm sorry for rambling. I guess it doesn't matter why I can't stop when I drink alone. I know that I will be fine until next Sunday. I have family coming into town for the holiday and I won't feel tempted until everyone leaves and I'm by myself.

Jsbodhi

Yaeh the fear is the worst part of it all!

JD

Badnewsbear, it's not my place to tell you what to do, but alcoholism is progressive. You may only have a problem when you drink alone now but it will most likely get worse as the years go on. I wish I had put a stop to it when I was younger. I'll just leave it at that.

emme99

Hi & welcome badnewsbear

badnewsbear

I know. I've read a lot about alcoholism. My father was an alcoholic who only quit drinking when his health prevented him from doing so.

Hevyn

I'm so glad you joined us, badnews. It helps so much to talk things over with those who really understand. I drank the way you are when I was younger, but did nothing to save myself. At the end of my drinking career I had no control at all, & was completely dependent on it. This never needs to happen to you. Happy you are here.

LivingBetter426

This is pretty much exactly what happened to me 3 days ago that brought me here. I got super trashed got in a HUGE fight with my bf probably over nothing but being drunk cause he hates it , and woke up the next morning with about 30 minutes worth of memory from the ENTIRE night.I couldnt even look him in the face when I woke up,.... I already knew. I already knew I had done it again. I was torn inside and devasted before I even got the crust out of my eye. It was in the wee hours of the morning when I woke up around 1-2am and my last text was around 6pm, and we didn't follow through with our plans that night, so I figured I probably passed out around 7p. And he probably was up until midnight watching me snore and hating me as we were on vacation 3 days ago. , and that was out first night on the town. I couldn't even build myself up to apologize because I jus felt so played out with the sorries and I knew it was time to do something with actions . I found this site at 2am and here I am 3 days later. I am committed because I am tired of waking up not knowing who hates me today. Waking up not knowing if I'm still in a relationship, if i still even have a job, if I embarrassed myself etc. I spend hours in the bed smoking weed , until ive convinced myself that the night probably wasn't that bad, and I can take it 'easy' today.
I definitely look at my phone first thing! That'll tell me how f*ckin ******** I was or not. .. that morning i woke up, seen i had deleted everything out my phone. What the hell...all my messages gone. Wtf happened? What did we fight about?..I'm too embarrassed to even ask.
& yup I've had those morning when my friends are texting asking if I'm okay because I blew their phone up yelling belligerent and demanding things from them at 4-5am. And then I get faded later to forget and it starts again.

What ive realized is that once you've reached that point, Hell if you're on this site PERIOD. moderate drinking is a JOKE. I could never manage. You can't either.
Whats helping me so far is remembering why I want this. Not Why I need it, but why I want it .

We know we Need to drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise 3 days a week, but we DONT do it unless we Want to. You have to find a sincere want. AND think of it everyday.
My original thought process was "I kno I Need to stop drinking, I almost
died in a car addicent, but I want to be able to still have fun, party and be me"
So I started driving as less as possible, which just fueled me to get even more more drunk cause I knew my bf would drive,
and yup I'd leave my SO with a intoxicated ******* every other night. But why?
He's all I have as far as friends and companionship if I lose him to my addiction I would be a d**n fool. So my new thought process is "I don't want to drink cause I dont wanna look stupid. I want to be GUILT FTEE in the mornings (please lord) and to be taken seriously by those around me. I want my family not to look at me as an alcoholic. ( They've never called me one, but when they see me without a drink they're like 'whats wrong are you sick? ' --or wow you're not drinking today, what's going on) it's like that's what I'm starting to get known for. And I want Not to be known for that. I want to have nice skin and a healthy weight (I'm one of those who choose liquor over food every time ), I want my SO to look at me & be happy to be with me, I want to be able to wake up knowing we're still on good terms. I want to stop worrying if I'm gonna do something stupid at work and completely embarrass myself or get fired. I want to stop having to run out and look at the car to make sure I didn't hit anything the night before. I want to focus on my career. All these things won't happen if I drink.
So what do you want?
Were in this together, I've got your back!

Soberwolf

Welcome BNB