Too close to the edge
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 734
Too close to the edge
Newbie here and not sure where to start - so might as well just lay it on the line as to where I am at right now.
Long term binger rather than dependent but once started don't know where to stop - plenty of substances involved also on a regular basis with sessions usually lasting 2 - 3 days - 44 now and been at it since my teens with a few attempts at controlling it usually under duress from the wife, a few counselling sessions here and there but just ticking boxes to keep the wife and colleagues happy and be seen to being doing something about it.
Managed to hold down a good position as a company director despite many mishaps over the years all down to the drink and drugs - reputation of being the party animal however have a massive problem of believing my own ******** !! couple of health scares due to excessive misuse and taken time out from some of the drugs but never accepted a problem with the drink until last week, the **** really has hit the fan and all down to me and my stupidity / inclination to hit the self destruct button.
After a summer of plenty of binges and far too much to drink on a regular basis I took 5 weeks out without beer / strict diet and exercise regime - felt the best I have done in a long time on 5th November albeit feeling a little too high at times, always been feast or famine with everything I do and no middle ground ever found, anyway all this was in preparation for a business trip to the Far & Middle East.
First drink came the night before the trip in the local pub with the wife, a bite to eat and a few drinks but unable to leave when requested and as always needing those extra few pints, following day off to the airport for a flight to KL via Dubai, full day of drinking at the bar on the flight all the way to Dubai resulting in refusal of alcohol on 2nd leg Dubai to KL, normal service for yours truly who regularly gets turfed from bars and clubs / refused entry - large group of friends but always me that's the problem and down the years been a bit of a joke as to who is babysitting me once the lights go out and the alter ego (aka ********) turns up - great fun to a point then a complete and utter nuisance but mates being mates put up with it as that's just how Andy is !!
Had 4 days in KL 2 of them at a conference but apart from sleep and a few meeting the rest of it spent hammered - of course others in the same boat but all able to conduct themselves - I get to that point where I really do just change - no idea where that point is and at what stage of the day / night it's going to happen - resulted in me first night requesting Coke / E's / smoke and being served the lot via a mutual acquaintance- problem being no matter where I am I have no sense of the dangers and no regard for authority so the following night after running out I go searching the streets for more of the same - served again but let's be honest wandering the streets of KL asking for drugs is not the wisest move but as I say once in that state I'm reckless to say the least - the next episode that evening once even more off my head being an even bigger mess resulting in an encounter with a dancer / sex worker - following couple of days held down meetings but any given chance resulting in getting smashed again.
Then back to Dubai for 3 nights which was booze fuelled to say the least, last day going well out of control to the point of smashing my face up with no recollection of how I had done it and then demanding to be served alcohol once all bars had closed - causing a scene to the point security were on the verge of calling the police / through a colleagues intervention they let me take a taxi to the hospital where I was refused treatment due to intoxication - instead of stopping there then continued to drink another bottle of wine on return to the hotel all this whilst my wife and daughter and colleagues at home are becoming frantic at the position I was putting myself and others in - reckless again to say the least, managed somehow to get through the airport and onto the flight but then found myself at the lowest point I've been in many a year, have suffered with bouts of depression previously but this was a whole new low - really did want out and honestly thought I was going over the edge on that flight back - back home the wife took me to hospital to get my face sorted out and had the shame of my daughter seeing me in that state - made my decision whilst travelling back that I really do need help to sort this out once and for all - if I don't I'm going to lose the lot - something definitely clicked that there can be no more messing around it has to be sorted, very understanding colleagues I somehow still have a job despite my best efforts to screw that up, all concerned as to how I have hit the floor with it and witnessed how my head went - have the best wife in the world also who I've taken for granted for so many years and despite her knowing all now, which has come as a shock as I have done a damned good job of hiding the drug use has said she will stand by me and wouldn't kick me whilst down - I know I deserve it tho and not proud of what I have done and how I've been for all these years but realise this really is my last chance on all counts - also scared myself the way my head went, my old man took his own life 16 years ago and I went into a dark place then - since that last night in Dubai I've been back in that same place and it's not a place I want to go back too - like I said in the title far too close to the edge and the verge of it all falling apart - finally accepted that the root of all evil is the booze - I love it but it's going to ruin me if I don't pack it all in.
I've registered with a local drink and drugs programme and seen the GP to get things sorted and back on track and not touched a drop since 14th November, managed to drag myself up and returned to work today - I know I can stop the drinking for a time anyway - always had a major binge to look forward too - this time it's not going to happen, need to find a few people on here who know where I'm at and what I'm going through to discuss it with when the going gets tough - big changes needed and this time I genuinely want to make them to keep my family / career and sanity in tact, I could quite easily have been rotting in a cell in Malaysia or UAE or worse with the irresponsible behaviour, need to accept its all drink related and I can't do this anymore.
Long term binger rather than dependent but once started don't know where to stop - plenty of substances involved also on a regular basis with sessions usually lasting 2 - 3 days - 44 now and been at it since my teens with a few attempts at controlling it usually under duress from the wife, a few counselling sessions here and there but just ticking boxes to keep the wife and colleagues happy and be seen to being doing something about it.
Managed to hold down a good position as a company director despite many mishaps over the years all down to the drink and drugs - reputation of being the party animal however have a massive problem of believing my own ******** !! couple of health scares due to excessive misuse and taken time out from some of the drugs but never accepted a problem with the drink until last week, the **** really has hit the fan and all down to me and my stupidity / inclination to hit the self destruct button.
After a summer of plenty of binges and far too much to drink on a regular basis I took 5 weeks out without beer / strict diet and exercise regime - felt the best I have done in a long time on 5th November albeit feeling a little too high at times, always been feast or famine with everything I do and no middle ground ever found, anyway all this was in preparation for a business trip to the Far & Middle East.
First drink came the night before the trip in the local pub with the wife, a bite to eat and a few drinks but unable to leave when requested and as always needing those extra few pints, following day off to the airport for a flight to KL via Dubai, full day of drinking at the bar on the flight all the way to Dubai resulting in refusal of alcohol on 2nd leg Dubai to KL, normal service for yours truly who regularly gets turfed from bars and clubs / refused entry - large group of friends but always me that's the problem and down the years been a bit of a joke as to who is babysitting me once the lights go out and the alter ego (aka ********) turns up - great fun to a point then a complete and utter nuisance but mates being mates put up with it as that's just how Andy is !!
Had 4 days in KL 2 of them at a conference but apart from sleep and a few meeting the rest of it spent hammered - of course others in the same boat but all able to conduct themselves - I get to that point where I really do just change - no idea where that point is and at what stage of the day / night it's going to happen - resulted in me first night requesting Coke / E's / smoke and being served the lot via a mutual acquaintance- problem being no matter where I am I have no sense of the dangers and no regard for authority so the following night after running out I go searching the streets for more of the same - served again but let's be honest wandering the streets of KL asking for drugs is not the wisest move but as I say once in that state I'm reckless to say the least - the next episode that evening once even more off my head being an even bigger mess resulting in an encounter with a dancer / sex worker - following couple of days held down meetings but any given chance resulting in getting smashed again.
Then back to Dubai for 3 nights which was booze fuelled to say the least, last day going well out of control to the point of smashing my face up with no recollection of how I had done it and then demanding to be served alcohol once all bars had closed - causing a scene to the point security were on the verge of calling the police / through a colleagues intervention they let me take a taxi to the hospital where I was refused treatment due to intoxication - instead of stopping there then continued to drink another bottle of wine on return to the hotel all this whilst my wife and daughter and colleagues at home are becoming frantic at the position I was putting myself and others in - reckless again to say the least, managed somehow to get through the airport and onto the flight but then found myself at the lowest point I've been in many a year, have suffered with bouts of depression previously but this was a whole new low - really did want out and honestly thought I was going over the edge on that flight back - back home the wife took me to hospital to get my face sorted out and had the shame of my daughter seeing me in that state - made my decision whilst travelling back that I really do need help to sort this out once and for all - if I don't I'm going to lose the lot - something definitely clicked that there can be no more messing around it has to be sorted, very understanding colleagues I somehow still have a job despite my best efforts to screw that up, all concerned as to how I have hit the floor with it and witnessed how my head went - have the best wife in the world also who I've taken for granted for so many years and despite her knowing all now, which has come as a shock as I have done a damned good job of hiding the drug use has said she will stand by me and wouldn't kick me whilst down - I know I deserve it tho and not proud of what I have done and how I've been for all these years but realise this really is my last chance on all counts - also scared myself the way my head went, my old man took his own life 16 years ago and I went into a dark place then - since that last night in Dubai I've been back in that same place and it's not a place I want to go back too - like I said in the title far too close to the edge and the verge of it all falling apart - finally accepted that the root of all evil is the booze - I love it but it's going to ruin me if I don't pack it all in.
I've registered with a local drink and drugs programme and seen the GP to get things sorted and back on track and not touched a drop since 14th November, managed to drag myself up and returned to work today - I know I can stop the drinking for a time anyway - always had a major binge to look forward too - this time it's not going to happen, need to find a few people on here who know where I'm at and what I'm going through to discuss it with when the going gets tough - big changes needed and this time I genuinely want to make them to keep my family / career and sanity in tact, I could quite easily have been rotting in a cell in Malaysia or UAE or worse with the irresponsible behaviour, need to accept its all drink related and I can't do this anymore.
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
Hey Andy, welcome to SR. You'll find lots of support here. Best to start working a plan on how you'll stay sober. Sounds like you have lots of triggers that you'll need to address and ways to cope with them when they come up.
Start here, https://store.samhsa.gov/shin/conten...0/SMA-3720.pdf
Start here, https://store.samhsa.gov/shin/conten...0/SMA-3720.pdf
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Glad to have you with us, RedAndy. SR is a great place for encouragement.
It's good you're recognizing that drinking places you in danger. At the end of my drinking days my behavior was reckless - anything could have happened. It is a relief to be free of it.
It's good you're recognizing that drinking places you in danger. At the end of my drinking days my behavior was reckless - anything could have happened. It is a relief to be free of it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: British
Posts: 56
Good for you for being sober since the 15th. Reality bites eh. I did the same journey as you this year KL via Dubai and after nearly 4 months sober I drank at Heathrow. Drank and KL, the supermarket vodka there is poison and I ended up in hospital there which cost a fortune...ripped out my IV at one point. I've been sober since the 3rd of August - it's been bloody hard and still is but I don't like drunk me. She's not attractive or clever or funny, she's clumsy and reckless and stupid, pitiful too. If you can grab a hold of that last piece of you inside, the shred of dignity you have left in you, then keep a hold of the picture. The wasn't part of the plan Andy, don't make it your future. Good luck :-)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Good luck man, and welcome. I hear you. I remember searching the streets of El Salvador and Honduras for weed back in the day while I was drunk...many times. Been refused service on a flight from Indonesia to LAX,...and all too often I was seen stumbling down Chicago streets at midnight, alone, after my friends had gone home.
It was the panic attacks (sounds like that's what you had) which finally scared me straight. I went to the ER and thought I was dying. Had withdrawal seizures down the line too, at age 35. Very bad stuff.
I understand your fear right now, but yes you have to make this one stick. And yes, you do need to take this seriously. Don't think too far ahead - just don't drink TODAY. If you get into the health center, follow the rules and don't look back. You can always find a new outlet and enjoy life in other ways. Good luck and welcome.
It was the panic attacks (sounds like that's what you had) which finally scared me straight. I went to the ER and thought I was dying. Had withdrawal seizures down the line too, at age 35. Very bad stuff.
I understand your fear right now, but yes you have to make this one stick. And yes, you do need to take this seriously. Don't think too far ahead - just don't drink TODAY. If you get into the health center, follow the rules and don't look back. You can always find a new outlet and enjoy life in other ways. Good luck and welcome.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 734
Thanks all - really appreciate you taking the time to reply - definitely making this one stick and as mentioned one day at a time. My mantra has always been only here once and not a dress rehearsal but a large chunk of my life upto now has all been a haze of drink and drugs - keep telling myself I must do somethings right to hold down the position I'm in and to stop feeling sorry for myself, it's all my actions that have caused this and need to face up to it - need to finally grow up at the age of 44 and be a true husband and father something I have not been at all - I was always the class clown thro my school years seeking attention of peers and trying to impress - I realise now this is exactly how I've continued all my life - not realising that the only people I need to impress are the ones closest to me and the ones who will be by my side forever as long I don't screw this up - for some reason I've always hankered after friendships and the need to impress people with the big bravado - the person who can sort everything out, the big I AM - only person I should have been doing this with is my wife who has been questioned by many over the years as to why she puts up with me and my behaviour - time to make it count and prove to her that I can be the person she wants to spend the rest of her life with instead of the idiot she's had to put up with for so long. She's told me for me years I have a problem with the drink but I've always rejected that idea - this time it's hit home hard and I realise that is where it all stems from.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 927
Wow Andy, what a story, thanks for sharing : )
I'm 39, in the UK and work for local authority but I can share the corporate drinking story. I worked for a big blue chip electronics company in my 20's and it was work hard, play hard with a huge amount of senior management changing into completely different characters when the bar opened on conferences and team days. I remember waking up in hotels and drinking as much coffee as I could without making myself sick, just to get myself to the first meeting. Of course I would never make breakfast. I once found myself sharing my weed with a senior manager in his hotel room and thinking "wtf am I doing? how did I get here?" I once found myself buying drugs on the streets of Moscow and Warsaw, far from safe and totally reckless.
I would say well done that you've recognised it has to stop and hopefully in time too.
You over indulge not because you are stupid, immature and selfish but because you are an addict. Even if you can go periods without it (like me) when it's in front of you the off button just disappears. It is full on, hell for leather, no thoughts of consequences, all that matters is the NOW.
I contacted my GP in September and he put me in touch with Addaction, I did a home and dry 7 day detox (sounds like you don't need that) then I was put in touch with a counsellor who I see every couple of weeks. I managed 7 weeks sober, then messed up for 4 weeks, now I'm day 5 again. But this is the hardest I have ever worked on my sobriety and I am determined to keep at it.
**** Christmas, I don't want to be a drunk, I want to be there for my children and enjoy the event for what it is, not use it as an excuse to get ****faced.
Good luck, we're all in this together x
I'm 39, in the UK and work for local authority but I can share the corporate drinking story. I worked for a big blue chip electronics company in my 20's and it was work hard, play hard with a huge amount of senior management changing into completely different characters when the bar opened on conferences and team days. I remember waking up in hotels and drinking as much coffee as I could without making myself sick, just to get myself to the first meeting. Of course I would never make breakfast. I once found myself sharing my weed with a senior manager in his hotel room and thinking "wtf am I doing? how did I get here?" I once found myself buying drugs on the streets of Moscow and Warsaw, far from safe and totally reckless.
I would say well done that you've recognised it has to stop and hopefully in time too.
You over indulge not because you are stupid, immature and selfish but because you are an addict. Even if you can go periods without it (like me) when it's in front of you the off button just disappears. It is full on, hell for leather, no thoughts of consequences, all that matters is the NOW.
I contacted my GP in September and he put me in touch with Addaction, I did a home and dry 7 day detox (sounds like you don't need that) then I was put in touch with a counsellor who I see every couple of weeks. I managed 7 weeks sober, then messed up for 4 weeks, now I'm day 5 again. But this is the hardest I have ever worked on my sobriety and I am determined to keep at it.
**** Christmas, I don't want to be a drunk, I want to be there for my children and enjoy the event for what it is, not use it as an excuse to get ****faced.
Good luck, we're all in this together x
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