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Old 11-19-2015, 02:20 PM   #1 (permalink)
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5 dark months and i'm back once again...Subox advice?


I'm sorry it's such a long post but please take the time to read and help if you can. I'm very emotionally fragile right now so please only ENCOURAGING comments.

I cannot believe five whole months have passed since I've been on here... I'm not quite sure what happened and I honestly don't remember exactly why...but I fell hard...

I was finally getting somewhere. I was using the bare minimum to not get sick and was even starting my detox. Well I started a new job some months ago and I remember having so much anxiety I actually blacked out on my first day and my manager caught me. I was shaking, couldn't see, sweating SO hard. He asked me if I needed an ambulance and everything...well the next day I returned to the new job, but this time with my partner, oxycodone. I guess it made everything so much easier...I was talkative, energetic...just the perfect employee. I guess that's where I lost my way again... I mean it's not like I ever was sober...I never made it past 36 hours without some form of opiate...but i was GETTING somewhere you know? Well I remember SO clearly the next sunday after I finished my training, I met a guy who works with me who sells coke...I laughed and told him no, thanks. I haven't messed with that stuff since I was in school...well he laughed too and said 'I like you tori, you alright.' And gave me a dime bag for free. If you knew me, you knew my 'motto' was NEVER turn down free drugs. so.... I went to the bathroom, argued with myself for awhile and not even an hour later I was asking him for more. I don't even like uppers anymore! All they do is give me even more anxiety. Well a week or so went by of me doing that nasty **** and then I met another guy who, NO LIE, works with me also. We were outside taking a smoke break and he turned into the corner and I could tell he just snorted something, so I asked do you do blow?? And he was like nahhh this some heroin! I remember feeling my heart drop. Heroin was exactly what destroyed me. All other drugs I could take it or leave it...but not this. He asked if Ive ever done it and I just kinda looked at him...Well a few hours went by and he was walking out of work and gave me a little handshake and handed me a folded paper...It had a small line in it...and 5 months later here I am. I had already lost two jobs and my car last year because of heroin...and now I am in a new place where the rent is $300 cheaper...I'm sure you can imagine what it's like...

I'm still with my boyfriend, we are still living together and everything. Although he has NO idea i've been spending half my tips every night on H, then coming home and we would take what tips I came home with and go get oxys...

Well we are completely out of money and he works two full time jobs and I work one full time job. If it weren't for his mom we would be on the streets right now. Well a couple weeks ago I completely lost it. I've never been like that. I truly feel like I was possessed or something. I was screaming, hitting, throwing things at my boyfriend because he didn't want to spend that last 20 dollars we had.

I guess that's when I realized that if things didn't change, I was also going to lose him. He is LITERALLY all I have left. So i took this week off of work to detox. well i made it about 28 hours and I was having a full blown psycho episode...I don't remember doing this, but matt said I was fighting him trying to get his gun...So he finally broke down and begged our guy to front us some pills to get us through the night.

Around 8am I finally fell asleep and woke up at 12pm to Matt packing a bag saying he was taking me to rehab. I freaked out and begged him not to. I can't be without him for one night. I just can't. So yesterday he finally got us into an outpatient clinic after literally 8 hours of calling around. So today is day 2, nothing smoked or up my nose. However, we were put on Bunavail which is the same as suboxone...

I finally feel so much better, like I'm finally taking a step forward without taking five steps back...but I am feeling very nervous because I've heard of the stories of people getting even more dependent on the subs...but I just feel proud of myself for getting OUTSIDE help finally. But I also hate myself because I was too weak to fully quit. I feel like I haven't really made progress...like all I did was switch from one opiate to another. Will I ever be okay? :'(
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Old 11-19-2015, 02:34 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I'm sorry for what's been going on but I'm glad you're back graywh1teblue

I have no opiate experience really, but I know I had to change my life completely in order to get out of the hole I was in.

I'd really work this outpatient thing you have going on - ask them their advice..really commit to this time being different and really change your life

D
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Old 11-19-2015, 02:46 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Hi graywh1teblue, that is one heck of a story, and it doesn't sound very fun at all. I believe getting outside help is at least a step in the right direction. I'm also thankful that you shared this story. I am on oxycodone myself (prescribed) and quite nervous myself for the very reason you described above. I have been reducing intake now for about 3-4 weeks. 5mg per week. I hope you can find some solace in your new approach. Worst case scenario, I think long term inpatient treatment may save your life. But if your current plan works, that is great. Wish you the best.
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Old 11-19-2015, 03:13 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Hi graywh1teblue, that is one heck of a story, and it doesn't sound very fun at all. I believe getting outside help is at least a step in the right direction. I'm also thankful that you shared this story. I am on oxycodone myself (prescribed) and quite nervous myself for the very reason you described above. I have been reducing intake now for about 3-4 weeks. 5mg per week. I hope you can find some solace in your new approach. Worst case scenario, I think long term inpatient treatment may save your life. But if your current plan works, that is great. Wish you the best.
Thank you for the encouragement! It's nice to know I am not alone! That's great you are reducing your intake! I didn't have the self control to wean down on the drugs because no matter what it was never enough in my mind! So that is absolutely GREAT that you are doing that. It will be much easier on your mind and body when you fully quit. Take it slow and don't get discouraged!
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Old 11-19-2015, 03:44 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Thank you for the encouragement! It's nice to know I am not alone! That's great you are reducing your intake! I didn't have the self control to wean down on the drugs because no matter what it was never enough in my mind! So that is absolutely GREAT that you are doing that. It will be much easier on your mind and body when you fully quit. Take it slow and don't get discouraged!
You will never be alone here. Welcome!
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Old 11-19-2015, 03:49 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I'm glad you came back and that you are working on your recovery.
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Old 11-19-2015, 04:41 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Your story will help keep me sober the rest of the night. It sounds so terrible, I never want to go back to that. Anyways, keep it up. Going to treatment was the best ecision I ever made. It marked the beginning of a wonderful fulfilling life that I never imagined I would have. Keep coming back. Build that support group!
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Old 11-19-2015, 10:50 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Old 11-20-2015, 04:32 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Thank you for the encouragement! It's nice to know I am not alone! That's great you are reducing your intake! I didn't have the self control to wean down on the drugs because no matter what it was never enough in my mind! So that is absolutely GREAT that you are doing that. It will be much easier on your mind and body when you fully quit. Take it slow and don't get discouraged!
For what its worth, every time I get my prescription refilled, I take 30 pills out of the bottle and put them in another bottle and pretend they don't exist. Then I try my best to not use all of the ones I have before I get my new prescription. So every two weeks I go down by 5-10mg.
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Old 11-29-2015, 07:31 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Hello and we'll done for taking the first step to a new life.
If your on subutex or suboxone u will b absolutely fine u won't even feel withdrawal except for slight boredom anxiety or sleeplessness. Subs r a wonder drug if used properly. Find a suitable amount to take then weekly reduce the amount I was a heroin smoker for 20 years imported the best I could find and only used the best.. never injected tho. Anyway 6 weeks ago I had to quit and used subutex 6ml for 5 days 4ml for 5 days 2ml 5 days and 1ml for 3 days. I had no w/d and feeling much better.. if I can do it anyone can.
Good LUck u will b just fine trust me
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