Forever an alcoholic?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Sunshine Coast
Posts: 4
Forever an alcoholic?
Hi all,
I started drinking when I was 14 and really haven't stopped since. Bouts of sobriety have hit my life but so have the bouts of extreme depression and attempts at suicide.
I have recently started to see someone who I thought would help me but when it comes to the crunch and the hard times she ran a mile, making it out as if I was the one creating issues. I am an alcoholic, meaning I am manipulative, a liar, a thief, and extremely clever when it comes to wanting a drink - I get what I want in the end.
The truth is this is not what I want but it is what I have been doing for the last 32 years...and I am good at it! I am not proud of it, it has just developed as my way of life.
It looks as if no one can help me, I have tried every avenue...re-hab, lock-down, all keys/money taken away from me..., somehow i still get the stuff when I think I need it. It is such a powerful mind and one that i cannot take over on my own, however, everytime I see someone they underestimate my "alcoholic" will and end up leaving my care.
I hope someone here can understand my dilemma and give me some tips on how to live a life without the "alcoholic" mind.
Thanks!
K
I started drinking when I was 14 and really haven't stopped since. Bouts of sobriety have hit my life but so have the bouts of extreme depression and attempts at suicide.
I have recently started to see someone who I thought would help me but when it comes to the crunch and the hard times she ran a mile, making it out as if I was the one creating issues. I am an alcoholic, meaning I am manipulative, a liar, a thief, and extremely clever when it comes to wanting a drink - I get what I want in the end.
The truth is this is not what I want but it is what I have been doing for the last 32 years...and I am good at it! I am not proud of it, it has just developed as my way of life.
It looks as if no one can help me, I have tried every avenue...re-hab, lock-down, all keys/money taken away from me..., somehow i still get the stuff when I think I need it. It is such a powerful mind and one that i cannot take over on my own, however, everytime I see someone they underestimate my "alcoholic" will and end up leaving my care.
I hope someone here can understand my dilemma and give me some tips on how to live a life without the "alcoholic" mind.
Thanks!
K
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi Sirogk and welcome 
I accept I'm always going to be an alcoholic - meaning that alcohol will always have the same negative effect on me if I drink again.
But - I don't have to drink again - and I don't have to settle for being anything less that the person I want to be.
I worked hard to stop drinking and stay stopped - I also worked hard to become the kind of man I wanted to be - it took time and patience and a little faith that it would be ok...but this place really helped.
I drank/drugged for 30 years or so. Change is always possible
The first step is to put the bottle down and keep it down,. If you're willing to aim for that for now, thats a great start
D
I accept I'm always going to be an alcoholic - meaning that alcohol will always have the same negative effect on me if I drink again.
But - I don't have to drink again - and I don't have to settle for being anything less that the person I want to be.
I worked hard to stop drinking and stay stopped - I also worked hard to become the kind of man I wanted to be - it took time and patience and a little faith that it would be ok...but this place really helped.
I drank/drugged for 30 years or so. Change is always possible
The first step is to put the bottle down and keep it down,. If you're willing to aim for that for now, thats a great start
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Sunshine Coast
Posts: 4
Thanks D!
The drive and willingness is there, I just feel weak and my alcoholism rules my mind. One day I hope to have your way of being, an alcoholic who doesn't drink anymore.
At present, there doesn't seem any hope but then again why would I be on this forum if I didn't have a bit of hope left! That's the bit I need to keep clinging onto, in the hope that it will prevail at some point.
Just feeling deflated and angry with myself as most of us do at times of realisation.
K
The drive and willingness is there, I just feel weak and my alcoholism rules my mind. One day I hope to have your way of being, an alcoholic who doesn't drink anymore.
At present, there doesn't seem any hope but then again why would I be on this forum if I didn't have a bit of hope left! That's the bit I need to keep clinging onto, in the hope that it will prevail at some point.
Just feeling deflated and angry with myself as most of us do at times of realisation.
K
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Somerset
Posts: 933
Welcome Sirogk,
There's some wise people and some great stickys to read through here.
They'll give you plenty of guidance and support.
Good luck on getting sober, you clearly want to ditch the alcohol so I'm sure you'll succeed.
I've first got completely wasted and pretty much passed out when I was thirteen and I've been drinking ever since. I'm 51 now so you've got plenty of time to turn this round and reclaim your life.
Best wishes to you.
There's some wise people and some great stickys to read through here.
They'll give you plenty of guidance and support.
Good luck on getting sober, you clearly want to ditch the alcohol so I'm sure you'll succeed.
I've first got completely wasted and pretty much passed out when I was thirteen and I've been drinking ever since. I'm 51 now so you've got plenty of time to turn this round and reclaim your life.
Best wishes to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Sunshine Coast
Posts: 4
D,
yes plenty of times, shortest period 1 day :-) and longest period 4 months :-)
I'll keep on trying, I know that of myself. Just need some guidance from seasoned experienced people that have gone through the same level of alcoholism. I am a binge drinker, will drink until I pass out, then wake, dust myself off, go about life, then start again. I never feel right but have managed to become that person that can blend into any situation without arousing any suspicion, a right little chameleon.
I am over the fact that I can be this chameleon, I am me, not the person they know...to a certain extend, do I really know who I really am? Wont know until I get sober for a lengthy time I suppose!
Any advise is appreciated, I will try, do anything for a life without the booze!
K
yes plenty of times, shortest period 1 day :-) and longest period 4 months :-)
I'll keep on trying, I know that of myself. Just need some guidance from seasoned experienced people that have gone through the same level of alcoholism. I am a binge drinker, will drink until I pass out, then wake, dust myself off, go about life, then start again. I never feel right but have managed to become that person that can blend into any situation without arousing any suspicion, a right little chameleon.
I am over the fact that I can be this chameleon, I am me, not the person they know...to a certain extend, do I really know who I really am? Wont know until I get sober for a lengthy time I suppose!
Any advise is appreciated, I will try, do anything for a life without the booze!
K
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Posting here every day really helped me.
It was much harder for me to rationalise that I 'wasn't that bad' or 'maybe I overreacted' when I had the evidence before me that I was that bad and that I had a serious problem.
Changing our lives is hard - but there's a mountain of support here
D
It was much harder for me to rationalise that I 'wasn't that bad' or 'maybe I overreacted' when I had the evidence before me that I was that bad and that I had a serious problem.
Changing our lives is hard - but there's a mountain of support here
D
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by Sirogk 
It looks as if no one can help me
Sounds to me like you're ready.
Best of Luck on Your Journey!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 507
Sirogk
Glad you found these forums. There is some absolutely fantastic advice here, and pretty much every method available to quit is discussed. AA, AVRT, SMART etc, you name it, someone has used it to get sober.
I also started at 14, and was a binge drinker. I would get very drunk at least once a week, usually 3-4 times, but was used to going a few days between drinks sometimes. Which in some ways made it harder to accept I had a problem. And for other people to see I had a problem. Because of course real alcoholics need a drink at all times.
What I learned about myself was that I had a tipping point. I could sometimes get away with one or two and stop, with difficulty, but once I got that buzz started, I'd keep going until I ran out of booze. I have no off switch. Which meant even when I tried to cut down to "moderate" drinking, it was a constant source of stress and anxiety trying to make sure I didn't hit that tipping point. Eventually I quit, 5 months ago, and the feeling of relief was enormous. Like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. And to my huge surprise I discovered that life was actually better sober, not the life of healthier but miserable denial which I was expecting. My life has improved dramatically, particularly my relationship with my young children.
But the point here, is that if you are also a binge drinker like I was, there's no point trying to fight the battle to learn how to stop after a few. You are pretty much guaranteed to lose that one, even if you manage it for a little while. The winnable battle is to not have that first drink. Because that's when you're still in control. The real you, the sober you, that wants to quit. Perhaps read about AVRT to understand about your Alcoholic Voice (AV) and where it comes from. A primitive part of your brain that seeks out pleasure with no thought about you, your life, your relationships, your work, your health etc. It's your AV that tells you to drink despite your not wanting to. And it's loud, and persuasive, and will say anything to get what it wants. But while you're still sober, you're in control, and you don't have to listen to it. Not picking up that first drink is a lot easier than not picking up the second one, that's for sure.
Good luck with your journey to sobriety. Ask lots of questions on here, read as much advice as you can, make a plan for how you're going to avoid picking up that first drink, and above all, keep trying no matter what. I guarantee you, succeeding at this will change your life dramatically for the better.
Glad you found these forums. There is some absolutely fantastic advice here, and pretty much every method available to quit is discussed. AA, AVRT, SMART etc, you name it, someone has used it to get sober.
I also started at 14, and was a binge drinker. I would get very drunk at least once a week, usually 3-4 times, but was used to going a few days between drinks sometimes. Which in some ways made it harder to accept I had a problem. And for other people to see I had a problem. Because of course real alcoholics need a drink at all times.
What I learned about myself was that I had a tipping point. I could sometimes get away with one or two and stop, with difficulty, but once I got that buzz started, I'd keep going until I ran out of booze. I have no off switch. Which meant even when I tried to cut down to "moderate" drinking, it was a constant source of stress and anxiety trying to make sure I didn't hit that tipping point. Eventually I quit, 5 months ago, and the feeling of relief was enormous. Like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. And to my huge surprise I discovered that life was actually better sober, not the life of healthier but miserable denial which I was expecting. My life has improved dramatically, particularly my relationship with my young children.
But the point here, is that if you are also a binge drinker like I was, there's no point trying to fight the battle to learn how to stop after a few. You are pretty much guaranteed to lose that one, even if you manage it for a little while. The winnable battle is to not have that first drink. Because that's when you're still in control. The real you, the sober you, that wants to quit. Perhaps read about AVRT to understand about your Alcoholic Voice (AV) and where it comes from. A primitive part of your brain that seeks out pleasure with no thought about you, your life, your relationships, your work, your health etc. It's your AV that tells you to drink despite your not wanting to. And it's loud, and persuasive, and will say anything to get what it wants. But while you're still sober, you're in control, and you don't have to listen to it. Not picking up that first drink is a lot easier than not picking up the second one, that's for sure.
Good luck with your journey to sobriety. Ask lots of questions on here, read as much advice as you can, make a plan for how you're going to avoid picking up that first drink, and above all, keep trying no matter what. I guarantee you, succeeding at this will change your life dramatically for the better.
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
Welcome sirogk. One thing that caught my eye in your post "everytime I see someone they underestimate my "alcoholic" will and end up leaving my care". You need to re-think that, you're leaving their care. You can stop drinking, but it's up to you. No one can do it for you. And yes, it's very, very hard. But is drinking making your life better?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
You're most welcome here and we will give you what support we can. You began your post by talking about a relationship breakdown. It seems to me as though you thought that woman could fix things for you but the problems are not easy for anyone else to solve. The best people to help you are other people who have taken action to recover from addiction. Us, in other words.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 645
I'm a big proponent of the concept that this is not a one size fits all disease. What works for one person may not work for another and visa versa. You almost sound brainwashed in your thinking that alcohol is your only path in walking this journey called life. Just think if you never had crossed paths with this thing called alcohol then you would never have come to the conclusion that alcohol is just your lot in life and that you are good at being an alcoholic. Have you ever researched any of Allen Carr's book on the idea that you have been brainwashed and maybe your brain needs a good scrubbing? I'm more of the AA variety, but I do a lot of different things to maintain my sobriety and I read Carr's book recently and it gave me a really interesting perspective that I had never even thought of. Just some food for thought.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 2,216
Welcome and I agree with all the other posters above. Like you, for a long time I wanted someone else to fix ME, understand ME when the truth was I was the one that needed to be accountable for myself. This is a mindset switch that is vital and is the basis of ALL recovery, regardless of which kind of support you seek (AA or any other). YOU have to do this, but you don't have to do it alone.
After I tried therapy, AA, and outpatient, I chose to have my Dr. prescribe Antabuse. This is a very strong drug that will make you sick as a dog if you drink and is a course best discussed with your Dr. You can see that I was still relying on something outside of myself to make ME better. Nonetheless, it was a kickstart to my sobriety, but I (underlined) was not off the hook and had to do the work. It gave me the OPPORTUNITY to begin the work in earnest, but I had to do the rest. Back to ME fixing ME. I am happy to say that over 6 years later, I have a wonderful life and will do anything and everything to keep it that way...
Do you sincerely want to change?? Then grab the bull by the horns and go for it. It is entirely up to YOU...no one else.
After I tried therapy, AA, and outpatient, I chose to have my Dr. prescribe Antabuse. This is a very strong drug that will make you sick as a dog if you drink and is a course best discussed with your Dr. You can see that I was still relying on something outside of myself to make ME better. Nonetheless, it was a kickstart to my sobriety, but I (underlined) was not off the hook and had to do the work. It gave me the OPPORTUNITY to begin the work in earnest, but I had to do the rest. Back to ME fixing ME. I am happy to say that over 6 years later, I have a wonderful life and will do anything and everything to keep it that way...
Do you sincerely want to change?? Then grab the bull by the horns and go for it. It is entirely up to YOU...no one else.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 108
There was always the curious mental phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink our sound reasoning failed to hold us in check the insane idea one out we aren't grips off of progressive and fatal illness over any period of time it gets worse never better so what does that mean it means that when I got sober I simply was not drunk my problem is I couldn't stay stopped I always rationalized or justified some reason to drink again it's hard for alcoholics and addicts because over any considerable period of time our illness is right there beside us waiting for us to slip up if you have a drunk horse thief and he gets sober you have a sober horse thief if nothing changes nothing changes the elimination of alcohol is just the beginning I had to change the way I thought how I acted how I reacted to life change the way I looked at things the things I looked at changed I joined the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous found a person who was happy had them take me through the 12 steps step one is about alcohol the rest of the steps helped me to perform spiritual surgery help me to face and be rid of the things in myself that were keeping me unhappy that process helped me my reaction to life helped me discover one day at a time you see I lived in two worlds I was a slave to my past living in regret and resentment when I wasn't in the past I was in the future filled with anxiety and anticipation worrying I was never here I was never now then the 12 steps how to me to discover one day at a time don't drink today C when I was sober yes I didn't drink but I still kick the dog slap the wife locked kids in the basement my behavior was a mess I not only had to stop drinking I had to change my thinking that's what alcoholism is the ISM is thinking I suffer from a physical allergy mental obsession once I start to drink I develop the phenomenon of craving and most of the time don't even care about the consequences I can't stop I needed what they call a psychic change and the 12 steps how to me a sponsor a person who had worked the steps themselves and the fellowship of men and women who were just like me that I could look in the eye and know that they weren't full of it
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Ireland
Posts: 351
Originally Posted by Sirogk
D,
yes plenty of times, shortest period 1 day :-) and longest period 4 months :-)
I'll keep on trying, I know that of myself. Just need some guidance from seasoned experienced people that have gone through the same level of alcoholism. I am a binge drinker, will drink until I pass out, then wake, dust myself off, go about life, then start again. I never feel right but have managed to become that person that can blend into any situation without arousing any suspicion, a right little chameleon.
I am over the fact that I can be this chameleon, I am me, not the person they know...to a certain extend, do I really know who I really am? Wont know until I get sober for a lengthy time I suppose!
Any advise is appreciated, I will try, do anything for a life without the booze!
K
yes plenty of times, shortest period 1 day :-) and longest period 4 months :-)
I'll keep on trying, I know that of myself. Just need some guidance from seasoned experienced people that have gone through the same level of alcoholism. I am a binge drinker, will drink until I pass out, then wake, dust myself off, go about life, then start again. I never feel right but have managed to become that person that can blend into any situation without arousing any suspicion, a right little chameleon.
I am over the fact that I can be this chameleon, I am me, not the person they know...to a certain extend, do I really know who I really am? Wont know until I get sober for a lengthy time I suppose!
Any advise is appreciated, I will try, do anything for a life without the booze!
K
1. Doing a degree course in addiction Counselling, i knew it all and didn't need meetings.
2. Religion only. Catholicism first then The Born again Christians and last but not least The mormons. Became more confused then ever with all the rules and regulations
3. Medication only from GP, which I became hooked on Rapidly.
4.online meetings because my anxiety was so high I was afraid to go out. lasted a few weeks.
5. Psychiatric service, addicted again to benzos.
6. working in treatment centers so i felt embarrassed saying how i truly felt when i met clients so i avoided meetings,
7. Just meetings without attempting a twelve step program, I wasn't content and became bored at meetings as i couldn't understand the program.
"It's cunning Baffling and powerful" AA and the 12 steps are the only way I could get clean for any length of time. "It's a simple program for complicated people". Hope this helps
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Sirogk
Hi all,
I started drinking when I was 14 and really haven't stopped since. Bouts of sobriety have hit my life but so have the bouts of extreme depression and attempts at suicide.
I have recently started to see someone who I thought would help me but when it comes to the crunch and the hard times she ran a mile, making it out as if I was the one creating issues. I am an alcoholic, meaning I am manipulative, a liar, a thief, and extremely clever when it comes to wanting a drink - I get what I want in the end.
The truth is this is not what I want but it is what I have been doing for the last 32 years...and I am good at it! I am not proud of it, it has just developed as my way of life.
It looks as if no one can help me, I have tried every avenue...re-hab, lock-down, all keys/money taken away from me..., somehow i still get the stuff when I think I need it. It is such a powerful mind and one that i cannot take over on my own, however, everytime I see someone they underestimate my "alcoholic" will and end up leaving my care.
I hope someone here can understand my dilemma and give me some tips on how to live a life without the "alcoholic" mind.
Thanks!
K
I started drinking when I was 14 and really haven't stopped since. Bouts of sobriety have hit my life but so have the bouts of extreme depression and attempts at suicide.
I have recently started to see someone who I thought would help me but when it comes to the crunch and the hard times she ran a mile, making it out as if I was the one creating issues. I am an alcoholic, meaning I am manipulative, a liar, a thief, and extremely clever when it comes to wanting a drink - I get what I want in the end.
The truth is this is not what I want but it is what I have been doing for the last 32 years...and I am good at it! I am not proud of it, it has just developed as my way of life.
It looks as if no one can help me, I have tried every avenue...re-hab, lock-down, all keys/money taken away from me..., somehow i still get the stuff when I think I need it. It is such a powerful mind and one that i cannot take over on my own, however, everytime I see someone they underestimate my "alcoholic" will and end up leaving my care.
I hope someone here can understand my dilemma and give me some tips on how to live a life without the "alcoholic" mind.
Thanks!
K
I have recently started to see someone who I thought would help me....
I have tried every avenue...re-hab, lock-down, all keys/money taken away from me...
idk, maybe the fact that i spent many years expecting others to take care of me is why im feeling that.
and all that happened when i did that was have people toss me outta their lives and i sunk deeper into alcoholism
but then i took accountability and respinsability for my life and my recovery- fought my ass off to not drink and worked my ass off changing me.
getting sober was the hardest thing ive ever done-harder than fighting cancer(which ive done sober).
staying sober has been easy.
hope and courage are what got me going.
you can get sober,too. we have hope for ya, but you have to have hope for yourself.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
I reached a point of being sick and tired of my life. The daily grind of remorse, shame and guilt. The first thought daily of - what did I do last night? Tremendous amount of fear each day. That was no way to live.
So, I took stock of where I was - got my butt to some meetings and with help worked a plan of action. I am supported by a sponsor, a fellowship and a group of other like me from around the globe on SR. Remarkable.
This old drunk is mid 50's and drank for many years years. Today I am sober for over 17 months. Change is possible and it doesn't have to simply be wishful thinking.
When our pain - the consequences of actions - become too much and we are mangled enough, destroying yet another relationship there are moments of clarity(ish) and thoughts of sobriety. I think this is indeed some measure of grace........Sounds like your there now.
The real question - is this the last time?> Do we choose to grab onto the lifeline that's been thrown to us? Or, will the insidious insanity continue to repeat, again. Is is just another day or THE day?!?
06/09/2014
Hope you'll stick around, friend
So, I took stock of where I was - got my butt to some meetings and with help worked a plan of action. I am supported by a sponsor, a fellowship and a group of other like me from around the globe on SR. Remarkable.
This old drunk is mid 50's and drank for many years years. Today I am sober for over 17 months. Change is possible and it doesn't have to simply be wishful thinking.
When our pain - the consequences of actions - become too much and we are mangled enough, destroying yet another relationship there are moments of clarity(ish) and thoughts of sobriety. I think this is indeed some measure of grace........Sounds like your there now.
The real question - is this the last time?> Do we choose to grab onto the lifeline that's been thrown to us? Or, will the insidious insanity continue to repeat, again. Is is just another day or THE day?!?
06/09/2014
Hope you'll stick around, friend
My brain is trying to kill me
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Palo Alto, ca
Posts: 401
Acceptance was the key for me.
Accepting that I have an incurable disease: DIS-EASE.
Acceptance that I can not treat it alone, that it is vital I reach to others like me.
Acceptance that I must develop and stick to my treatment(sobriety plan). A disease can only be treated, there is no cure; we are like the diabetic, the cancer patient..
Acceptance that I can live a happy, joyous, and free life without alcohol.
Welcome to SR, a huge part of my treatment plan; full of resources, support, love...
Accepting that I have an incurable disease: DIS-EASE.
Acceptance that I can not treat it alone, that it is vital I reach to others like me.
Acceptance that I must develop and stick to my treatment(sobriety plan). A disease can only be treated, there is no cure; we are like the diabetic, the cancer patient..
Acceptance that I can live a happy, joyous, and free life without alcohol.
Welcome to SR, a huge part of my treatment plan; full of resources, support, love...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Sirogk
I am an alcoholic, meaning I am manipulative, a liar, a thief, and extremely clever when it comes to wanting a drink - I get what I want in the end.
The truth is this is not what I want but it is what I have been doing for the last 32 years...and I am good at it! I am not proud of it, it has just developed as my way of life.
It looks as if no one can help me, I have tried every avenue...re-hab, lock-down, all keys/money taken away from me..., somehow i still get the stuff when I think I need it. It is such a powerful mind and one that i cannot take over on my own, however, everytime I see someone they underestimate my "alcoholic" will and end up leaving my care.
I hope someone here can understand my dilemma and give me some tips on how to live a life without the "alcoholic" mind.
Thanks!
K
By that I mean.... your words seem to imply you're hoping someone will come to your aid and somehow 'help you'. Rescue you? If I'm misunderstanding, then my apologies.
But what arises for me when I read your words is whether you have really dug in on the pieces of YOU that underpin your alcoholism and your use of booze. All those things you say you don't want to be - manipulative, a liar, a theif... etc. THOSE things need your focus and those things are where YOU need to help yourself.
The 12 steps of AA are a great place to start. REALLY working those steps makes a difference. A good therapist - for me - was absolutely essential to addressing my self issues that were behind a lot of the same behaviors.
Exercise, changing our habits and rituals, trying new hobbies, making changes to where we hang out, ACTIONS to change ourselves.... these are essential to making the "not drinking" part stick.
Just NOT DRINKING isn't enough. Not drinking gives us the space to start doing the work that will enable us to KEEP not drinking.
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