cl9000

Just checking in after being away from this forum for a good while. I've been a mess of being in and out of hospitals and detox facilities the past couple of years, with a few months sprinkled in here and there of sobriety. Longest period was I think 3-4 months.

Anyway, I haven't touched a drink in 5 days now, and I'm going to try again to have recovery. I reconnected to a clinic where I do counseling and some meetings, and I might actually try out some AA meetings this time.

Also hoping to stay in touch with this forum! Because yeah, being in that alcoholic nightmare is no fun.

Dee74

Good to have you back CL - welcome!

D

badger257

You've proven you can go 3-4 months. Huge!!! You got this.

paddyjnr1

That's what it's all about, keep trying, I'd be lost without AA, I have found them difficult to bare in the beginning, but get stuck in, do a bit of service, get a sponsor, make new friends, get a big book and in time go through the program and get a higher power in your life.

I firmly believe when you are raw in recovery is the best time to get your sponsor to bring you through the book because that's when your "isms" are alive and kicking.
You will get an understanding of how it all works, it's so simple you would miss it. There's a line in the book "our awakenings are of the educational variety" That summed it up for me really even though it took me 5 years to go through the program but it was the best experience of my life. well done and good luck

Soberwolf

Nice to meet you CL

cl9000

Thanks, all.

I was hoping my first night without either alcohol or the pills they used to detox me would go smoothly and I'd get some sleep, but it looks like I'm in for some insomnia. When I lie down and close my eyes I feel like I'm going crazy, nonsense thoughts and feeling like I'm about to have an anxiety attack. Been through this before though, and I believe I'll get out of it.

I really, really, really want to just live the life I believe I can live in relative peace and not have to drink anything again.

Just venting.

paddyjnr1

I once spent 7 nights in a row without sleep during benzo withdrawal which I just stopped without taper, it was horrific. Those unfounded fears chattering away in my head and my heart beating wildly. I will never forget it so I can empathize with your plight.
These days not so much, there are lots of deepsleep meditation videos on youtube which are highly beneficial as they stop the background noise in the head and also something a guy said to me once "No one ever died from lack of sleep" those sentiments alone were enough for me actually fall asleep.
Eventually the Synapses in the brain will stop firing off to the wrong places and you will have restful sleep.
If it should go on for too long maybe go see a gp and get some help but for now get up at a regular time whether you have slept or not and get some regular exercise.
Try stop worrying , easier said then done i know but if it means confiding in a trust wordy friend or even on here.
It will get easier...

cl9000

Thanks. I finally fell asleep for about 3 hours after trying a million different things (including some of those youtube deep sleep things.. thanks for the suggestion) and it knocked most of the crazy fears away. I figured it wouldn't last too long, since I had already been through a supervised detox and I knew I was probably physically okay.

Not sure how it compares to that benzo withdrawal, but I've stayed awake 6-7 straight days from a cold turkey alcohol withdrawal before, and it was torture.

I would say things like "I don't know why I keep doing this to myself," because I do know at this point. I've had all the wake-up calls I need (including a new one yesterday -- my first ever strongly worded eviction threat from a landlord... woohoo). I just hope this time I can suck it up and not try to do everything myself, and stick to the counseling I'm starting again, and don't ignore the other help I kinda know where to find.

Ahh, I don't know. Stuck in the head.

Anna

I'm glad you're back and it's good to hear that you have a plan in place.

paddyjnr1

Yay you got 3 hours sleep, that's a start, If the taper is done nice and slow and you keep to recommended dose, you'll be ok.. You might just get away with a few disturbed nightmares, but don't last long and it's a relief to realize when u awake that they were only dreams.
Just hold on tight and share share share, no matter what it is...Well done, you are doing very well....

biminiblue

I agree with paddy - it will help you to get your thoughts out here whenever you are alone with your crazy-brain. I say that lovingly, because no one has a crazier brain than I did in early sobriety.

I know the temptation is to feel down about having to do this again, but really it's a huge gift to yourself. I had a lot of shame and self-loathing, but it didn't serve me so I kicked it to the curb.

Welcome back!

paddyjnr1

Hi Ci9000, I don't know whether its morning or night where you come from but I'm just just checking in to see how you slept? Your story I can so identify with and I'm possibly on the verge of eviction too as next months rent will not be there, but we get help in Ireland when we fall into difficulty. If you are Irish I may be able to help stare you in the right direction. That worry alone would keep any man or woman awake all night but u will have to take action around it..

teatreeoil007

Insomnia was the hardest part to me...

paddyjnr1

I know that feeling but as was said to me in the past"Nobody ever died of lack of sleep" I find deep sleep meditation on you tube very effective and also" getting your ass out of bed early and regularly and no napping during the day no matter what and no caffeine after 6pm. You will eventually get you pattern back.

paddyjnr1

I'm just going to get an early morning meeting in , it's my home group at 11.30am. God bless everyone, be back later....

ccam1973

Welcome back Cl. Insomnia kicked my butt for my first 5 months. But I figured I was so much more in control when I was averaging 3 hours of sleep a night than when I was drinking 24/7. Just remember this isn't a sprint race, it takes time and always remember the reasons you are on this journey.

I kept a long list of reasons that I was staying sober. I added to that list when ever I came across a new reason. Each time I felt weak, I would break out the list and remind myself of a life I didn't want to go back to, not ever.

You can do this. You made it 4 months, so you've got it in you to make the change for good.

cl9000

Very late response here, but thanks to everyone for the well wishes and inquiries. I did make it through the withdrawal nightmares and actually managed to stay sober these last 2 months. Came very close to going to the liquor store tonight but managed to stay away. Hoping to make it through the weekend.

Anyway, thanks again!

Dee74

I'm glad you're still sober cl

whats your recovery plan look like?

D

least

Congrats on two months sober!

Change4good

YAY!! Don't know about you, but knowing that I never had to go back to drinking was a huge solace. Sometimes when I can't sleep, I just thank my lucky stars that even if I am whip tired, I am sober. Gosh that is an awesome feeling.