alphaomega

I have been treated for a diagnosis of "General Anxiety Disorder" and panic attacks for decades.

It started in college when my alcohol consumption reached unprecedented levels. I thought I was just weak, incapable of assimilating into society, overwhelmed and just an overall worthless person. Because panic attacks ruled my life. I literally could not function.

The less I functioned, the more alcohol I consumed. And that, in turn, up-d the therapy sessions.

"What is wrong with me ?!?!?" I would lament to the litany of therapists I would go through over the decades. No one could fix me. Granted, I WAS pretty broken. I'll give em that. But the panic attacks and anxiety were all consuming. They ran my show. They ruled the roost. And with every nightly binge, I labeled myself as a train wreck and I would continue to live up to the title.

Once I started really entertaining the concept of quitting FOR GOOD, I would see how the anxiety would lessen more and more. But I didn't want that to be a truth because I wanted to continue to drink. Why ? I have no idea. It made me violently ill. I guess its just what I always did.

Now, at almost a year, I can reflect with a clearer mind. Maybe I'm not that much of a hot mess. Maybe it was simply the alcohol ALL ALONG. It never gave me what I thought it was.

And it robbed me of absolutely everything. Everything.

it wasn't the cure. It wasn't ever the cure.

It was always only the problem.

Thanks for listening.

FarToGo

Wow! thanks so much for sharing some of your story.
It's fantastic that you're almost a year sober and can reflect on the damage alcohol has caused. BUT no more! here's to a much healthier and happier, more manageable life.
Great post.
xx

gettingsmarter

Isn't it crazy. I couldn't figure our why I was afraid to do pretty much everything other than drink. When I realized that staying sober was a lot easier.

Great post.

SoberLeigh

Congratulations, dear alphaomega, on almost a year of sobriety.

So glad that things are going so well for you.

Great post, my friend.

Soberwolf

So happy for you AO XO Congrats on your upcoming year !

Coldfusion

I was completely mystified why I had trouble with the police and ended up in a psych ward. Problems such as those have disappeared from my life since I quit drinking.

Anna

AO, I'm glad to hear you're doing so well, and congratulations on your recovery.

Meraviglioso

That is so great to read AO! You must be thrilled! Though I didn't suffer as badly as it sounds you did, I can also say that my anxiety has nearly vanished now that alcohol is not a part of my life.
Congratulations and thank you for sharing this.

patricia68

Thank you so much! You give me so much hope. I too ask myself on a daily basis "What is wrong with me ?!?!?" You are right, you are so right! Maybe it's not us...maybe it was the alcohol all this time!

alphaomega

I wish, so much, someone would have sat me down and sat On me and said -

Yes, you have had an impossibly hard life.
Yes, you have PTSD.
Yes, you are on the Fetal Alcohol Spectrum.
Yes, you have depression and anxiety.

Now, QUIT DRINKING alcohol and watch the angst slowly disappear.

Instead, I would go to therapy and come home and drink myself into oblivion.

It was a negative gain with so much work. Banging my head against the wall repeatedly. Why can't I get past these panic attacks ? When will I live ? WHen is this going to end ? Thousands and thousands of dollars and hours spent on therapy to try to figure out what was wrong with me.

It was the alcohol all along.

So much time.

Wasted.

GoldenSands

I relate a bit because I'm coming to this conclusion myself but I haven't been dealing with it for as long. I have been suffering from anxiety and depression, only to realize that it is most likely the alcohol. (Spoke to a dr today). Day 3 sober so we will see.

Dee74

I dunno...I reckon not so much wasted time if all that helped you get to where you are today AO

All those mistakes I made made me a smart man today, lol

great post and great news

D

Tooshabby

Yay!!!!! Great to hear, AO!! You have toughed out some really hard times over the last few months and come through with flying colours, and have thoroughly earned the place you are at now. So happy for you :-)

Jsbodhi

Same here, I've never really had a problem with anxiety or depression, but this last 2 years it started up and I couldn't figure out why.
Well now I know- alcohol.
It was also giving me insomnia and I didn't realize that until I found this site

SarahB60

Thank you so much for posting this topic! It definitely rings true with me.

My one year anniversary is also right around the corner and can honestly say that there's a HUGE difference between this year and last is night and day. Is my anxiety gone? No. I no longer have daily grinding anxiety at a level 7-9 on the intensity scale. I no longer have a hair trigger switch with the daily panic attacks because my CNS is in overdrive. I no longer have daily "IBS-D" bouts due to "stress" anymore.

No one told me my GAD and panic attacks were caused by alcohol. Not even my doctor. I had to do a ton of research to realize that my alcohol use was a major contributing factor in worsening my GAD and panic attack symptoms.

Thanks again for shedding light on this important topic.

Soberpotamus

AO, I've often lamented the wasted time thing. I understand where you're coming from; I have some of the same emotional and background issues as you do as well, and so I always "listen" to your posts.

But sometimes I wonder ... what would have happened had I not been drinking to "deal" with those things in my past? How instead would I have handled things? I was sort of shell-shocked coming into life, as you probably were. In no way am I leading to a statement that it was better that I drank through my problems, but honestly, I don't know how I could've coped at times. I was self-destructive, dangerous to myself, and even suicidal a few times. Never in earnest really tried to do it, but flirted with it. I am fortunate to have made it out of that mess.

What am I trying to say?

I don't think it's time wasted. I think we did the best we could. Sure, we became addicted, and we got lost in it for a while. But then, we found our way out. Maybe it happened as it should've?

I'm not really into determinism, and I'm definitely more on the side of free will

But do you get what I'm saying?

Maybe I'm spinning and justifying? I dunno.

Maybe I'm trying to get some peace about it.

All that experience counts for something, too

soberclover

I, too found once I removed alcohol from my life the anxiety-related issues became much less. I also give a lot of credit to the fact that the longer I stay sober, the stronger my inner self feels. The stronger my inner self feels, the better I am handling though tough, anxiety-producing situations. NO CLUE how I managed with the drinking....no clue at all!

courage2

Yer a good'un, AO. I always knew it. I remember those anxiety attacks when you came to NYC. Maybe you'll come again now & we can show the town how to get painted, sober and serene!

Notimetoloose

I am really glad you are getting some relief from the panic attacks,

It is an important topic AO...I have heard it said that a good addiction therapist/doctor will first take into consideration the substances that a person is using and quite often request that they cease the substance before attempting to make any diagnosis.

Personally, I can not take benzos, at all, even for a short time...In the past, I have had them prescribed for sleeping and to cope with some family trauma.

I do not know what they do to my brain but they seem to trigger a rebound anxiety pattern that lasts for weeks...and this after only a week or so of use.

Resetti

I relate to this so much. For a long time I thought my mind had gone, that I'd commit suicide or end up in a mental institution.

Now the alcohol has gone, I can see that so many of my problems that I was trying to control with alcohol was caused by alcohol. It feels great to be breaking the cycle.