entropy1964

All those questions I feel trigger me into thinking I don't have a problem.

And SC, this is really what I'm talking about. Call it your AV, call it you, it still sounds like some part of you is listening and looking for rationale. Just my opinion...

Frank14

You must have been a pretty boring drunk ?
You obviously haven't followed my good example and made a complete public a** out of yourself while drinking. In addition to being "argumentative" and trying to start a fight with everyone.
I guess this is one benefit of being an "angry drunk." Lol!

KiKi0615

Maybe!!! I told all my drinking "buddies" that I wasn't going to drink anymore because I have a problem & they said the same got VERY defensive!

They were like "there is NO WAY you have a problem KiKi! You drink less than US!" I think when I told them I was quitting it forced them to look in the mirror at their OWN drinking and what a buzz kill that was!!!

Oh well...I don't want friends like that anyway.

secretchord

You make an interesting point. I guess there is a part of me still in disbelief and wanting to think I don't have a problem.

bradly22

I suppose there is nothing wrong with a couple, but there is something wrong with ten, twelve, fifteen...

OpenTuning

As others have said, you mostly get this reaction from people who figure you drank the same amount as they do or maybe even less. What they hear when you say you're not drinking any more is "you're calling me an alcoholic". And they don't think they are (yet).

That's their problem, not yours. There's nothing you can do about that. You have to make the right choice for you. You certainly shouldn't drink just so they can feel better about how much they drink.

FLCamper

I don't take offense to people offering me a drink. It actually irritates me more to have people push food on me. "don't you want a cookie/cake/etc?" But none of you would ever dare do that, would you?
I think it is more of a social habit to encourage food/drinks when out at an event or gathering.

strangeangel

I hear that! My husbands even said to me.. "Just have one or two.." Ha! We all know that's never gonna happen. Maybe my plan isn't the best, but I plan on hunkering down in my house with my dogs and my books and my cleaning supplies and not be terribly social until I have a better handle on it. I've already boycotted thanksgiving. Cheers to a nice quiet,sober holiday season!!

fantail

Ohh your sister's comment makes me think... if you're telling people you're an alcoholic, then yes, people are definitely going to try to tell you that you're not. I think it's just because they don't understand that alcoholics aren't all loud, pissing themselves and breaking bottles all over the place. They think you're being harsh on yourself.

I was a secret drinker so I had this problem. The first time I quit I told my family I was an alcoholic, and they had almost nothing to say about it. Later when I'd relapsed I even drank in front of them and they just thought I'd figured out I wasn't really an alcoholic. They're not big drinkers, so I know it wasn't because they just wanted me to drink with them. It wasn't until I had a total withdrawal melt down in front of them with liquor bottles stashed everywhere in their guest room that they finally understood what I meant (now THIS looks like tv!).

secretchord

Lol at "this looks like TV". I too did most of my drinking in private. Even my husband who was home all the time didn't know the extent of my drinking. I was very private about it because I was ashamed. When I drank around people I showed a lot of control because all my insecurities would come out. When I drank around people I felt uncomfortable much of the time and tried to hide my intoxication level which didn't always work. Lol Most of my drinking happened in my backyard, alone, just me my hammock and my good pal Cabernet.

Aellyce

Most of the time, when I am invited to drink, I just say I don't drink alcohol and will have a soft drink. Sometimes I'm questioned about it (why?) and then I say I just don't like alcoholic drinks and leave it at that -- there is no need to explain my preferences to anyone. I see it like some people's diet choices. I told a few close friends that I had a drinking problem in the past and so now I don't drink at all -- some expressed doubt and said they can't imagine that about me, just does not compute with my personality and generally rational thinking... a good example that most people who have never had an addiction do not understand it. I don't usually get into it further unless I have a very close relationship with the person and want them to know/understand me well -- never had anyone pushing me then although it's true that typically my good friends don't tend to be big drinkers and some are just teetotalers for genuinely not liking the effects of alcohol.

Seriously, I don't see any reason to defend our lifestyle choices -- I personally have quite a few unconventional (non-harmful) preferences and am usually open about them for anyone interested. Some like them, others don't, and so what!

FreeOwl

I used to get very uncomfortable around people who didn't drink.

I used to use the phrase "everything in moderation" all the time - though my version of 'moderation' was really more like 'everything in excess!'.

Without judging individuals, I truly believe that our society has become increasingly wired toward the acceptance of alcohol and drugs as being part of life. I think that some part of us knows that alcohol is inconsistent with a full, rich, abundant and fully present life. I think that inside each and every person is the simple, joyful child that person once was. The child who knew joy and love and experience and who cherished their life simply for life and who didn't need to numb or enhance or intoxicate their way through existence.

I think that on some level, every person who says "there's nothing wrong with a few drinks" has a belief that there actually IS something wrong with a few drinks. We who choose another way trigger that inner awareness, and call attention to their own practices of living.

There are so many people I know - the vast majority, in fact - who 'successfully moderate'. But when I observe this successful moderation among my 40-something peers here is what I see;

Bloated faces
Bleary eyes
Repetitive patterns of night spent at bars, parties, tailgating, beer-swilling sports-watching
Consistent conversations about alcohol; looking forward to alcohol, discussing new brands of alcohol, making alcohol at home, what kind of alcohol to drink today, tomorrow, this weekend.... alcohol, alcohol, alcohol
Friends who constantly talk about needing to lose weight, get in shape, who are dreay about their health problems (many of which are either directly impacted by or at least not helped by alcohol)

These are not people anyone would consider 'alcoholics'. These are people that the average citizen would deem 'normal'. Alcohol is the central theme of celebration. Alcohol goes as almost a requisite with dinners. Alcohol is used to mourn. Alcohol is there to pass the time. Alcohol is expected at gatherings. Alcohol is raised in honor. Alcohol is raised in memory. Alcohol is used to convey triumph, apology, success, remorse, grief, sorrow, happiness, togetherness, marriage, divorce..... everything.


In my experience and opinion, when someone says to you "there's nothing wrong with a few drinks..."

It's THEMSELVES they are trying to convince.

secretchord

I think you're right because the feeling I get with this reaction is almost like they feel judged. I was shocked she reacted this way though just because she's never really seen me drink so how would she know if I was or if I wasn't? But why doubt my decision? She has nothing to lose or gain. It just doesn't make sense.

FreeOwl

I recall saying similar things in my own past.

When I got honest with myself I realized it was always about me... not about them.

I suspect these situations aren't much different. Try to remember it is really not about you. A smile, a nod, perhaps even a short comment like "Well... it doesn't work that way for me".

I no longer make space in my life for people who say those things to me. My life is my most precious, limited resource. I'm not going to spend it with people or doing things that don't honor it.

OpenTuning

What a wonderful post, FreeOwl. Particularly the part about the joyful child. Before I quit drinking I remember specifically wondering how my friends and I used to enjoy ourselves drinking root beer floats at an A&W. How could we have had fun without booze? I just couldn't figure it out. And now I know. And remember. And look forward to being that kid again, even though I'm in my 50s

FreeOwl

One of the greatest things about sobriety is re-discovery of the simple, lost, human, instinctual Art Of Play.

Being Daddy to a couple of little girls helps with that immeasurably!

strangeangel

It took me a long long time to realize my problem and take control.(well, still working on that part) bc of how ingrained alcohol is in our world. I hang out with heavy drinkers and it's just so NORMAL. Well, it didn't end up being normal, and no one has really said anything to me about my booze consumption (outside of husband) so I was in denial. I don't miss work bc or it, I've been lucky enough to never have any legal problems associated with alcohol. Just a lot of shame and embarrassment after consistent black outs that I realized alcoholism looks different in every one. And this was mine. Man, society shuns and shames alcoholics but sure makes it easy for us to be one. It's really rather unfair.

Berrybean

I suppose she'd just prefer to think that her sister is fine and dandy, with no problems, and if she 's only ever seen you having a couple, and doesn't drink alcoholically herself, then she has no way of understanding or imagining what those two drinks might lead to for you. And normies just can't understand a lot of the time - even (or maybe especially) the ones that enjoy a couple of glasses of wine

If you are very close to your sister and would like her to be involved in your recovery then maybe you could spend some time (when you can be alone and explain some of the ways that alcohol was making your life unmanageable an unhappy) explaining the difference between the way you've drunk in front of her, and what was your alcoholic drinking, and that one does tend to lead to the other.

If you're not that close or she has a limited imagination, then maybe just be prepared to turn on the 'yeah yeah' machine and have some good subject-changing topics up your sleeve.

lillyknitting

I get this all the time too, but, they don't know (or really care!!!) what I go through. I'm sure they say stuff like this to justify their own selves. X

SportsFan15

What Dee said!!

Also, just a few months ago I felt how you do about people's responses AND I'll feel that way again one day. It comes in cycles.

Here's what we don't want to hear: oftentimes the crowd's responses are based on what they "sense" from us. For example:

When I have a prepared plan for not drinking, complete with prepared response for "what can I get you to drink?", I answer confidently and move on to enjoying the people around me, 90% of the time people don't say comments like you mention here. They drop it.

I'm NOT blaming you for their comments. I'm simply saying that for ME, I took a step back and watched myself....it dawned on me when I would refuse a drink my nonverbal body language as well as some things I would say led folks to believe I wanted reassuring that I could drink.

I hope this isn't coming across wrong. I just am a keen observer of human behavior and there are people who: 1..encourage you to drink because THEY want you to and/or 2. Encourage you to drink because they think you really want to and are being too hard on yourself.

A good analogy is dessert. Watch what people do when someone refuses a dessert clearly, confidently and moves on in a conversation. Alternate that with someone who says "Aww I've been cutting back" *shrug, makes a facial expression, shows emotion*

The clear/confident person doesn't invite encouragement. The other person invites encouragement and "oh, it's just dessert, have a little!" "You can have a small slice."

Realizing the assertive confident response then changing subject....this has transformed my ability to be around people. Then if someone says "so have you quit drinking altogether?" I've got a separate rehearsed response for that. It's like a script for a play. Try not to show emotion and folks usually accept your answer and move on.

ALTHOUGH, this^^^^ doesn't account for the people who want you to drink because THEY want you to. The strategy above can still work. But like Dee said I've come to realize if they want me to drink that bad....I don't tend to enjoy being around them sober.

I've had a few people say HORRIBLE things to me. One guy said a sexual analogy (I'm a girl) so atrocious that everyone turned and just stared at him. Funny part was something like that was my biggest fear....to be embarrassed. ....and when it happened it was not that bad!! And he was the one embarrassed!!

All this to say have a confident, calm, clear response and quickly move on. Most people move on too. They see you having fun.

When yoh think you can't product the confident response without contradicting body language, it might be a time to sit out the drinking gathering. This has helped me and my.hope is it helps you.