I slipped- but..
 

After not drinking for five weeks, I took the weekend to buy a car from out of town, I drobe to the hotel I spent the night Saturday after a long day of flying and driving. Went downstairs to the sports bar late to get something to bring back to the room to eat and had two drinks at the bar when waiting on the food. Came back to the room, went to bed, got up Sunday morning. Drove 500 miles home and have not drank or been tempted to drink since. The thought crossed my mind last night more than it has for the three previous weeks, but it wasn't a struggle to not drink because I feel so much better staying away from it. I guess I should feel bad that I broke my five week run, but I didn't get drunk and I don't feel all depressed about it or feel like beating myself up over it. I still have the resolve to not drink and have no plans to test my will either.
This is not meant to suggest it is ok or that it was even at all a good idea what I did or that others should try it. I'm just trying to understand that it wasn't a disaster of falling off the cliff and going back to drinking every night again. I do realize I was "playing with fire".
Thoughts?

Thoughts;

When I went on the road in early sobriety, I often ordered room service to avoid temptation.

Your "success" can result in a slippery slope. In my own experience, 'slips' like this have helped my rationalize and justify further experiments in moderation. All of those experiments wound up back in blackouts and binges and daily suffering.

It's OK you're not beating yourself up - but I wonder whether you're committed to sobriety now. Your post seems to be a bit ambiguous about where you actually stand. Your words strike me as quite similar to words I used during periods when I was gradually moving back toward active alcoholism.

If it were me, I would redouble my efforts and commitment to sobriety before this experiment ran my life back into a ditch. Or perhaps a jail cell. Or worse.

There you have... my thoughts.


:grouphug:

Yeah, I completely agree with FreeOwl.

Why did you choose to drink? Was it because no one in your family was around? Were you overly hungry or tired or stressed?

I would seriously look at this as a warning. I used to think I was fine to moderate, too. Till I wasn't. Again.

This was not a success. Agree, don't flog yourself, but this is serious.

That makes a lot of sense. I don't need that powerful AV telling me: "you had a couple of drinks and were fine- you can handle it from time to time"- only to end up in the damn ditch again with drinking stopping by the liquor store after work every night.
As I look back over my post and your response. It sounds like my AV was doing the talking (typing).
I appreciate your advice, it makes a lot of sense of this crazy thing called alcoholism.

Thanks biminiblue. I was all the above. Tired from flying and driving, alone, but feeling a little excited about the new car. Thinking back, I think it was like I felt like I deserved some reward for the long day and my new car, and maybe even because I had been dry for five weeks. I know that makes no sense. But it was as if since I was 500 miles from home, at the beach, new car, tired from a long day, not gonna overdo it, etc. More stupid than anything.

My experience from previous attempts was I was OK for a little while, but slowly the heavy drinking crept in again. That was ten years ago and 10 years of heavy drinking followed. I'm not going to fall for that trap again.

The trouble with slips as.you described is they imprint the message that it was no big deal. Ive done it-- altho it was long ago-- and when I did find myself in knee-deep again I recall saying "but" a lot. No more buts for me...Hopefully for you too.

Keep it simple, retweak your sobriety plan get more involved in your recovery programme you can do this

That about sums it up if you ask me. There is many documented instances (on this forum) of people "moderating" successfully for anywhere from weeks to many months, but the end result was usually the same, a desire to quit altogether because they spiraled out of control again.

I agree with everyone here, and this is how I get sucked back in every time. I get a little time under my belt, feel great, life is back on track. I find some little excuse to justify just one or two. Deep down I know what I'm doing is wrong so I don't enjoy the buzz anyway, just feel all paranoid. The worst thing is, I get away with it. I convince myself that once in a while I can get away with a couple and have no consequences, and I feel like a normal person again. I pretend I don't have this disease. Fast forward a few weeks or months, another blackout devastating episode that leads me right back here at day 1. We all go through the SAME cycle. I really hope you can avoid all that!! Keep reading and posting here. It really helps me remember how bad it gets every time.

double post

not trying to beat you up KE, but I hope you - and maybe others - might get something from this thread and my mistakes.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...get-drunk.html

This disease is at its most insidious when its persuasive and apparently reasonable
D

I agree with not beating yourself up, and what happened was serious and I hope you see it as a learning experience.

I have a hard time keeping everyone's stories straight so bear with me. If you are an alcoholic, this won't work. If you still aren't sure you are, then you might need to experiment to figure it out (I don't recommend this but sometimes its unavoidable). I don't think serious alcoholics can moderate....I've never known one.
So the question is, why'd ya drink? That may provide better information for your own self understanding.

Kids - I got to 36 days (we had the same sobriety date) and drank on Sunday night. I'm analyzing why I ended up drinking. I'm on Day 2 again. I learned more than ever why I need to stay stopped. Yesterday (day 1) was horrible.

Dee, that was a very vivid picture, and so very true. I'm going to save that in my phone and every time I try to rationalize getting away with just one I'll read it. Ty!

I've known a few who went out for ONE night and ended up DEAD. Being sober is like being in "remission"....there's no cure, no outrunning it....IMO....and can always be reignited by just one drink. It is such a RELIEF to know that now I just. can't. drink. period. It takes the ifs, ands and buts out of the equation.

I am glad you were honest here..but would agree with others to consider yourself fortunate..this time.

Thanks all for the feedback. All good advice. I had written during the last month of posting here that about six years ago, I quit drinking for about 15 months. I went to Hawaii and thought drinking a few beers would be ok. I drank every day I was there and came back drinking pretty much daily again.
It isn't a slippery slope, it is a cliff you fall off. I'm redoubling my efforts and will stay away from it from here on out.

Good to hear your thoughts are back on the right track, kids.

Do this for yourself, man. The only person you're cheating is yourself when this kind of thing happens. Thanks for sharing and being honest, I think it was good for you do post this. Best of luck moving forward.