I am scared and I am in trouble
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 11
I am scared and I am in trouble
Can you please tell me who goes to their first 2 AA meetings in over 5 years in one day and then drinks that evening?
I woke up all voluntarily wanting, needing to get to a meeting. Determined to try yet again. I thought since this was voluntary (and not some judge, probation officer or requirement of one of the various programs I had been in the past) that this time would be different!
I hate to ever try to share and have to say the words . . . my name is X and I am an alcoholic. The evidence has been there for over 25 years. However, functioning alcoholics are one of the most deceptive people that I know, as I am one of them. I always have had the belief that if I claim to be something then I will become it.
This life is crazy. Recovery used to be forced on me and I thought everyone was crazy! I have now had 10 years on my own only with no criminal problems (thank goodness) only to realize EVERYTHING they said in the rooms back then did happen to me. Oh I don't drink every day. Oh I don't drink vodka. Well, now I do.
And I am scared. Why can't I go more than 24 hour without a drink? What can I do if I was at 2 meetings and still wound up back where I was trying to avoid?
I was fine, happy, excited to learn and hear. But the lunch meeting had me sitting there with tears and I started to get upset and ready to cry real bad, so I got up and walked out. Then there were people in the lobby I had to walk by since no one would think I am crazy. Then I got outside and there were others out there smoking and I had to run away real quick so no one would see me as a blubbering crying idiot.
The man had been sharing about his childhood and how everything started at one point. And although I THOUGHT I had been dealing with my bad demons from childhood (after all I am 48 years old!!!)) I was crying like a little child. I was so embarrassed. How can I make friends in recovery and meet sober people if I cannot even act half normal.
This was may day, my first big MY CHOICE day back in to recovery. And I failed yet again.
How can I have so much (grateful for no criminal charges, a car, a home, a job, my health - for now) and feel like such crap?
Well this was my big welcome back I am going to do it day. I feel like a failure and while I heard others talk about 3 years without a drink or 10 years without a drink, I somehow feel that I am different. How can there be hope for me when I cannot VOLUNTARILY make it one day?
Thank you for letting me share. I don't know how this is going to happen and I am far to ashamed to ask God for anything.
I woke up all voluntarily wanting, needing to get to a meeting. Determined to try yet again. I thought since this was voluntary (and not some judge, probation officer or requirement of one of the various programs I had been in the past) that this time would be different!
I hate to ever try to share and have to say the words . . . my name is X and I am an alcoholic. The evidence has been there for over 25 years. However, functioning alcoholics are one of the most deceptive people that I know, as I am one of them. I always have had the belief that if I claim to be something then I will become it.
This life is crazy. Recovery used to be forced on me and I thought everyone was crazy! I have now had 10 years on my own only with no criminal problems (thank goodness) only to realize EVERYTHING they said in the rooms back then did happen to me. Oh I don't drink every day. Oh I don't drink vodka. Well, now I do.
And I am scared. Why can't I go more than 24 hour without a drink? What can I do if I was at 2 meetings and still wound up back where I was trying to avoid?
I was fine, happy, excited to learn and hear. But the lunch meeting had me sitting there with tears and I started to get upset and ready to cry real bad, so I got up and walked out. Then there were people in the lobby I had to walk by since no one would think I am crazy. Then I got outside and there were others out there smoking and I had to run away real quick so no one would see me as a blubbering crying idiot.
The man had been sharing about his childhood and how everything started at one point. And although I THOUGHT I had been dealing with my bad demons from childhood (after all I am 48 years old!!!)) I was crying like a little child. I was so embarrassed. How can I make friends in recovery and meet sober people if I cannot even act half normal.
This was may day, my first big MY CHOICE day back in to recovery. And I failed yet again.
How can I have so much (grateful for no criminal charges, a car, a home, a job, my health - for now) and feel like such crap?
Well this was my big welcome back I am going to do it day. I feel like a failure and while I heard others talk about 3 years without a drink or 10 years without a drink, I somehow feel that I am different. How can there be hope for me when I cannot VOLUNTARILY make it one day?
Thank you for letting me share. I don't know how this is going to happen and I am far to ashamed to ask God for anything.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I think you need to ask God for everything.
That shame and guilt and fear you are carrying can be taken away.
Your reaction is pretty common. I didn't drink after my first meetings, but I did cry my way through a lot of them. Many people cry for a while when they are new. It's a big deal to face what you've been doing and ask for help. No one thinks less of you.
You can still stop drinking tomorrow. Go to bed sober tomorrow.
That shame and guilt and fear you are carrying can be taken away.
Your reaction is pretty common. I didn't drink after my first meetings, but I did cry my way through a lot of them. Many people cry for a while when they are new. It's a big deal to face what you've been doing and ask for help. No one thinks less of you.
You can still stop drinking tomorrow. Go to bed sober tomorrow.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,576
I cried all the way through my first meeting. Most of us have been at that point of desperation and humiliation ... it's actually a good place to be. It made me willing to ask for help, from others in AA and from a higher power of my understanding ... none of whom want to judge you, but only want to help you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
youre NOT a failure!!!!
just sick and there IS a solution!
my very first aa meeting when i was ready to accept help, tne only thing i could say was," im tom im an alcoholic and i cant take it any more" and cried the rest of the meeting. i didnt have to say anything else. those people knew exactly how i felt.
i cried at quite a few meetings after that.
"Can you please tell me who goes to their first 2 AA meetings in over 5 years in one day and then drinks that evening?"
"And I am scared. Why can't I go more than 24 hour without a drink? What can I do if I was at 2 meetings and still wound up back where I was trying to avoid?"
im thinking possible because the power of choice was lost. its not a unique thing.
but theres a solution!
" I don't know how this is going to happen and I am far to ashamed to ask God for anything."
welp, im thinkin ya can stop feeling ashamed. maybe ask my God for help. He knows the struggle your having. He loves ya and wants ya to let Him help. He will help ya with the courage to walk into a meeting,open up and ask for help, to get phone numbers and a big book, to read the big book, and be there for you always.
of course theres hope for ya! you deserve to have it for yourself! if we have hope for ya then you can and should to!
just sick and there IS a solution!
my very first aa meeting when i was ready to accept help, tne only thing i could say was," im tom im an alcoholic and i cant take it any more" and cried the rest of the meeting. i didnt have to say anything else. those people knew exactly how i felt.
i cried at quite a few meetings after that.
"Can you please tell me who goes to their first 2 AA meetings in over 5 years in one day and then drinks that evening?"
"And I am scared. Why can't I go more than 24 hour without a drink? What can I do if I was at 2 meetings and still wound up back where I was trying to avoid?"
im thinking possible because the power of choice was lost. its not a unique thing.
but theres a solution!
" I don't know how this is going to happen and I am far to ashamed to ask God for anything."
welp, im thinkin ya can stop feeling ashamed. maybe ask my God for help. He knows the struggle your having. He loves ya and wants ya to let Him help. He will help ya with the courage to walk into a meeting,open up and ask for help, to get phone numbers and a big book, to read the big book, and be there for you always.
of course theres hope for ya! you deserve to have it for yourself! if we have hope for ya then you can and should to!
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Can you please tell me who goes to their first 2 AA meetings in over 5 years in one day and then drinks that evening?
Someone who has become powerless over alcohol and cannot manage it???
You can do it, you have support here on SR and if you reach out you will also have support in the rooms of AA. The key is to make good use of that support. I see that you joined in 2012 but have posted only 8 times. Why not join the class of November so you can interact with your peers who quit at the same time and also get some guidance and feedback from Dee and Scott?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-2-a.html
First thing tomorrow morning, I would suggest you sign up here on the 24 hours recovery connections which is a very supportive and fun thread where people commit not to drink or drug that day.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...part-88-a.html
Get some rest and stop beating yourself. Tomorrow is a new day.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: OZ
Posts: 2,055
I did, I went to a few AA meetings, felt so pumped about it, so, I dropped into the bottle shop on the way home.
It is what I did, I drank, happy , sad, cold , hungry, ..my one response to cap of every emotion and act was to drink...
It is ok, it gets the ball rolling, now don't drop it..continue with positive things that address your drinking...if you like AA , attend the meetings..try smart meetings.
Read about RR and AVRT..read about how to stop cravings...read and post here on SR. ..find your thing that works for you.
Your commitment to stop drinking will get stronger the more you actively do to fulfill that commitment.
It is what I did, I drank, happy , sad, cold , hungry, ..my one response to cap of every emotion and act was to drink...
It is ok, it gets the ball rolling, now don't drop it..continue with positive things that address your drinking...if you like AA , attend the meetings..try smart meetings.
Read about RR and AVRT..read about how to stop cravings...read and post here on SR. ..find your thing that works for you.
Your commitment to stop drinking will get stronger the more you actively do to fulfill that commitment.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 5
Wow- you sound a lot like me. I've drank after meetings, found them very triggering.. am 46 years old and think I have dealt with childhood demons too... but I know I haven't if I am not able to live without alcohol in mass quantities.
I don't have any words of wisdom - this is my day one of a thousand day ones. But you're not alone. I also think it's important to release the shame and guilt, although if I knew how to do it I probably wouldn't be here myself.
Keep posting!
I don't have any words of wisdom - this is my day one of a thousand day ones. But you're not alone. I also think it's important to release the shame and guilt, although if I knew how to do it I probably wouldn't be here myself.
Keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3,293
Who drank after going to an AA meeting? Me!!!!!! Who walked out in tears, angry, frustrated ready to give up. Me!!!!! These things happen more than you know. You have no reason for feel ashamed of yourself. You need to remember that quitting drinking is really tough. I have faced many challenges in my life and with a lot of determination, I usually came out on top. But the challenge of quitting alcohol is very different. It is a battle like no other I have faced. Remember you are trying to change a lifestyle you have had for 25 years. Turning that around is going to take time and a lot of persistence and work. Very few people just stop drinking and lead a sober life without setbacks. Setbacks are pretty normal for most people so your in good company. I admire people that relapse but still keep going to AA meetings or stay with SR. These people are fighters who refuse to give up. Talk about strength!!
Keep pushing forward and keep fighting and you will get there. John
Keep pushing forward and keep fighting and you will get there. John
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 11
John, thank you
I appreciate you taking the time to say this to me. I cannot thank you enough. Like you, I am able to do and over come so many things in life, except the drinking and eating. You have given me a ray of hope. Why should I be ashamed of myself. Your words are worth everything to me right now. Thank you so much.
Originally Posted by 2muchpain 
Who drank after going to an AA meeting? Me!!!!!! Who walked out in tears, angry, frustrated ready to give up. Me!!!!! These things happen more than you know. You have no reason for feel ashamed of yourself. You need to remember that quitting drinking is really tough. I have faced many challenges in my life and with a lot of determination, I usually came out on top. But the challenge of quitting alcohol is very different. It is a battle like no other I have faced. Remember you are trying to change a lifestyle you have had for 25 years. Turning that around is going to take time and a lot of persistence and work. Very few people just stop drinking and lead a sober life without setbacks. Setbacks are pretty normal for most people so your in good company. I admire people that relapse but still keep going to AA meetings or stay with SR. These people are fighters who refuse to give up. Talk about strength!!
Keep pushing forward and keep fighting and you will get there. John
Keep pushing forward and keep fighting and you will get there. John
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Southern California
Posts: 690
I went to my first meeting last month and couldn't stop tears from coming. I'm a high functioning alcoholic and was so full of shame and remorse that crying was a normal human reaction. Nobody laughed at me. In fact, they were kind and helped me! Accept your tears and the help that your fellow alcoholics offer. This is a tough journey and surrender is part of it! (I only made it 11 days before I had a drink and going back to my meeting and admitting that to everybody was another emotional day). Try to embrace the tears and let them help heal you.
Wishing us all the best of luck!
Wishing us all the best of luck!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by biminiblue
I think you need to ask God for everything.
and then what I think to be of most importance
I also (thank God for everything.)
Also a good idea
God -- if it be your will ?
For we know that Mountainman don't always know what he truly needs.
It's that old saying, "watch what you pray for."
MB
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Michigan
Posts: 772
Keep coming back here! I cannot stress enough the importantance of a support group. Friends, family, AA, DoberRecovery.com. The bigger the support group the better. If it wasn't for mine I may not be sober today. It makes me think about more than just myself, like I'm not living alone. You don't have to do this alone!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 11
Tears and Remorse
I so appreciate your response. I feel so silly, so alone. How can such a wonderful, successful person be so sick and broken? I have so much hidden shame (my family, my friends, my clients - they do not know this). I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to share with me.
Originally Posted by Keepnitreal
I went to my first meeting last month and couldn't stop tears from coming. I'm a high functioning alcoholic and was so full of shame and remorse that crying was a normal human reaction. Nobody laughed at me. In fact, they were kind and helped me! Accept your tears and the help that your fellow alcoholics offer. This is a tough journey and surrender is part of it! (I only made it 11 days before I had a drink and going back to my meeting and admitting that to everybody was another emotional day). Try to embrace the tears and let them help heal you.
Wishing us all the best of luck!
Wishing us all the best of luck!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 61
Originally Posted by Mygreatdebate
Can you please tell me who goes to their first 2 AA meetings in over 5 years in one day and then drinks that evening?
I woke up all voluntarily wanting, needing to get to a meeting. Determined to try yet again. I thought since this was voluntary (and not some judge, probation officer or requirement of one of the various programs I had been in the past) that this time would be different!
I hate to ever try to share and have to say the words . . . my name is X and I am an alcoholic. The evidence has been there for over 25 years. However, functioning alcoholics are one of the most deceptive people that I know, as I am one of them. I always have had the belief that if I claim to be something then I will become it.
This life is crazy. Recovery used to be forced on me and I thought everyone was crazy! I have now had 10 years on my own only with no criminal problems (thank goodness) only to realize EVERYTHING they said in the rooms back then did happen to me. Oh I don't drink every day. Oh I don't drink vodka. Well, now I do.
And I am scared. Why can't I go more than 24 hour without a drink? What can I do if I was at 2 meetings and still wound up back where I was trying to avoid?
I was fine, happy, excited to learn and hear. But the lunch meeting had me sitting there with tears and I started to get upset and ready to cry real bad, so I got up and walked out. Then there were people in the lobby I had to walk by since no one would think I am crazy. Then I got outside and there were others out there smoking and I had to run away real quick so no one would see me as a blubbering crying idiot.
The man had been sharing about his childhood and how everything started at one point. And although I THOUGHT I had been dealing with my bad demons from childhood (after all I am 48 years old!!!)) I was crying like a little child. I was so embarrassed. How can I make friends in recovery and meet sober people if I cannot even act half normal.
This was may day, my first big MY CHOICE day back in to recovery. And I failed yet again.
How can I have so much (grateful for no criminal charges, a car, a home, a job, my health - for now) and feel like such crap?
Well this was my big welcome back I am going to do it day. I feel like a failure and while I heard others talk about 3 years without a drink or 10 years without a drink, I somehow feel that I am different. How can there be hope for me when I cannot VOLUNTARILY make it one day?
Thank you for letting me share. I don't know how this is going to happen and I am far to ashamed to ask God for anything.
I woke up all voluntarily wanting, needing to get to a meeting. Determined to try yet again. I thought since this was voluntary (and not some judge, probation officer or requirement of one of the various programs I had been in the past) that this time would be different!
I hate to ever try to share and have to say the words . . . my name is X and I am an alcoholic. The evidence has been there for over 25 years. However, functioning alcoholics are one of the most deceptive people that I know, as I am one of them. I always have had the belief that if I claim to be something then I will become it.
This life is crazy. Recovery used to be forced on me and I thought everyone was crazy! I have now had 10 years on my own only with no criminal problems (thank goodness) only to realize EVERYTHING they said in the rooms back then did happen to me. Oh I don't drink every day. Oh I don't drink vodka. Well, now I do.
And I am scared. Why can't I go more than 24 hour without a drink? What can I do if I was at 2 meetings and still wound up back where I was trying to avoid?
I was fine, happy, excited to learn and hear. But the lunch meeting had me sitting there with tears and I started to get upset and ready to cry real bad, so I got up and walked out. Then there were people in the lobby I had to walk by since no one would think I am crazy. Then I got outside and there were others out there smoking and I had to run away real quick so no one would see me as a blubbering crying idiot.
The man had been sharing about his childhood and how everything started at one point. And although I THOUGHT I had been dealing with my bad demons from childhood (after all I am 48 years old!!!)) I was crying like a little child. I was so embarrassed. How can I make friends in recovery and meet sober people if I cannot even act half normal.
This was may day, my first big MY CHOICE day back in to recovery. And I failed yet again.
How can I have so much (grateful for no criminal charges, a car, a home, a job, my health - for now) and feel like such crap?
Well this was my big welcome back I am going to do it day. I feel like a failure and while I heard others talk about 3 years without a drink or 10 years without a drink, I somehow feel that I am different. How can there be hope for me when I cannot VOLUNTARILY make it one day?
Thank you for letting me share. I don't know how this is going to happen and I am far to ashamed to ask God for anything.
Ironically, I'm a counselor who has worked with addicts (and struggle with my own addiction). I've had clients come to group drunk. So drunk that we called that person a ride and sent her home to sleep it off, but made sure she came back the next day. And you know what? We were still happy to have her. I've had addicts show up to group high, reeking of pot. Still glad to have them.
Because if you went to AA and then went home and drank, then you were exactly at the right place in that meeting. If you have to drag yourself in because you've been drinking for days, then you're dragging yourself into the right place. That's important for you to realize. Baby steps. Going on your own is a HUGE step.
Also, I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but I don't think God closes his ears off to anyone who is willing to talk. He can take your anger, he can take your grief, your regret, your shame, your guilt. He can handle it. Yell at him if you need to. Cry, scream, beg. I've done it. He just wants you to come to him at all, and he wants you to bring all of that ugly and hand it over.
Don't feel too ashamed to share on SR ever. Proud of you, and I'm glad to meet you!
Day by day, we're improving ourselves, and you made a step forward today.
BellJar
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Southern California
Posts: 690
Originally Posted by Mygreatdebate
I so appreciate your response. I feel so silly, so alone. How can such a wonderful, successful person be so sick and broken? I have so much hidden shame (my family, my friends, my clients - they do not know this). I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to share with me.
Last edited by Keepnitreal; 11-16-2015 at 06:53 PM. Reason: Typo
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Originally Posted by Mygreatdebate
Well this was my big welcome back I am going to do it day. I feel like a failure and while I heard others talk about 3 years without a drink or 10 years without a drink, I somehow feel that I am different. How can there be hope for me when I cannot VOLUNTARILY make it one day?
Thank you for letting me share. I don't know how this is going to happen and I am far to ashamed to ask God for anything.
Thank you for letting me share. I don't know how this is going to happen and I am far to ashamed to ask God for anything.
You are not alone friend, nor the first to go through this. We are not unique. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.
keep coming back - it works if you work it!
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,916
I have drank after an AA meeting.
In the early stages of wrestling with alcohol while trying to get sober it's not uncommon.
Both my sponsor and my sponsor's sponsor (who each have over 20 years sober now) did it for several months when they first started.
Alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful as you are discovering. But don't give up, keep going back to AA.
In the early stages of wrestling with alcohol while trying to get sober it's not uncommon.
Both my sponsor and my sponsor's sponsor (who each have over 20 years sober now) did it for several months when they first started.
Alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful as you are discovering. But don't give up, keep going back to AA.
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