pams

I hope this doesn't end up posted twice....my first post seemed to disappear into cyberspace...my apologies if another similar version also posts....

Quite awhile ago I posted here because I was coming to realize I had a problem. At that time I don't think I was ready to accept that thought though. The thought of never having another drink, a glass of wine specifically, sent me into a state of panic. Not so much now though. I can see my life without my wine. Over the last year and a half I have managed to make some changes regardless. I used to start mixing up martinis when my bottle of wine was gone. I haven't had vodka in probably a year. I am now at the point where I feel much more ready to tackle what remains of my dependency, my one bottle of wine a night.

I have a million questions about a million different things...but I want to start with just this one. There is always an excuse to 'wait' right? Wait until after summer/birthday/Thanksgiving/friends visit is over etc etc. The excuse that is messing with my head right now is waiting until after the company Christmas party in 3 weeks.

There is NO way I can go to the Christmas party if I do what it is I want to do....NOT wait anymore. I will be questioned though if it is known I don't plan to go. I am the person who plans the party, books the party, is like the hostess of the party. The owner travels 4 hours to attend and expects me to be there. My spouse also works where I do. The only idea I can come up with is faking an illness the day of the party. The thing I see not working out with that plan...is going anyways because up until that day I have been acting like I am going to go. Or being talked into just going for the meal....which I cant see ending well either.

How have you handled these types of situations? How did you handle the questions when/if they arose?

C23

If you really want to quit, there isn't a need to wait anymore. You are the one making the decision and you have the power to do it. If you feel you need to avoid it, don't go. The party will go on and you can either tell the truth (which my bosses didn't except for the upcoming Christmas party either) or you could come up with something. I, for one am happy the bosses are making me go. This is yet another opportunity to show myself that I can do this. Others can drink, but I don't have to. If you decide to go and someone asks you why you are not drinking, tell them it's because you don't want to. That is what I do. Well, actually I just tell people that I don't drink anymore and that is usually enough.

OnMyWay7

Hi and welcome,

I was also a wine drinker and everyone knew I liked my wine (no one knew quite the extent)... so to respond to your post
[QUOTE][/There is always an excuse to 'wait' right? Wait until after summer/birthday/Thanksgiving/friends visit is over etc etc. The excuse that is messing with my head right now is waiting until after the company Christmas party in 3 weeks. QUOTE]
Yes - there will always be a reason to wait: Holidays, superbowl, spring break, summer by the pool, crisp autumn evenings, holidays (see how I got myself back to the beginning again). You need to pick a date and then go with it - closer to your decision to quit the better I would believe.

As far as what to do at parties etc. I told people that my liver enzymes were high and my doctor wanted me to stop for 3 months (this would keep them away for three months) then after three months I said my doctor still wants me to not drink as my blood pressure came down and it seems like I'm healthier.
People I'm closer to I've told I had an issue managing my intake and that I was drinking every night and I didn't like it.

Once you go a bit you get kind of used to it - I'm about 10 months in and this will be my first holidays without but I'm not dreading it - like I was the superbowl....

Post often - we're here to help each other out of this pit.

Soberwolf

Welcome Pams

doggonecarl

Tell them, "Sorry, but not this year," and let someone else plan it.

A company Christmas party is but a blip on the radar of life. In a couple of months, much less years, no one will recall someone's attendance or lack of attendance.

Sobriety is going to take a lot of changes on your part. Hard changes in some cases, discomforting changes in others. Get used to making them. Start with the party.

pams

I like the answer that involves a doctor's advice. Thank you. I could actually use something like that to explain why I wouldnt be going in the first place.

The party is already planned. I just have to avoid going. The option of going and being strong and not drinking is just not something I think I could be successful with. I am not saying I could never go to a party again, just not this one.

I guess what it comes down to is that it is hard to make this decision. Well, not hard to make it, hard to stick with it. It's not helpful when others try and talk you out of your decision, or tell you that you are being weird or that you aren't 'that' bad. My own brain does enough of that already, making it difficult enough.

Today is my day one. I stayed home from work today to try and wrap my head around my decision. I know I need to put some hard thought into what I am going to do differently everyday. I need to Google a mailbox that isn't right outside a strip mall with a liquor store. Why are so many mailboxes in this town in front of a liquor store? I don't know how many times that has been my undoing....taking the mail from work to a mail box and getting sucked into the liquor store...

biminiblue

There are liquor stores on every corner.

There is liquor in the grocery.

There is liquor at every party, restaurant and other peoples' homes. On TV, at every social event. It's just something you're going to have to come to terms with. There are Starbucks on every corner too. I don't drink Starbucks, and no one questions me - but if they did, I still wouldn't drink Starbucks. It's the same thing. If I don't drink, nothing can make me drink.

I made everything about alcohol when I was using. That's called addiction.

It takes time to shut down all those Pavlovian associations.

JD

Great decision on making today day 1.

Spend the day putting together a plan on how to stay sober. What are you going to do during the time you used to drink? What triggers to avoid? (you already know the mailbox, lol). What will you do when the cravings start?(they will). Just think through why you drank and what your thoughts were and find something to counter those.

Everyone's plan is different and they do evolve and get added to.

Anna

I think many of us feel we haveto do certain things, and it may be even more common in women. I was a people-pleaser and it led me down a horrible path. It's also called 'the disease to please', because it will make you sick. I had to learn to 'No' about many things, one of which was drinking. No is a complete sentence and you don't need to make up a story to go along with it. If you are concerned about the party, say 'No, someone else can plan it this year. If someone offers you an alcoholic drink, a simple No, thanks is really all that needs to be said.

jryan19982

You can still plan that party, and not go. If you really need to say something about it, say that something personal came up, and that you wont be able to attend and that you dont feel comfortable sharing at this time. I mean its a Christmas/holiday party, its not life or death in that you have to attend.

What is important now, is that you want to stop drinking, and if you feel like going to this party would jeopardize it, then dont go.

Meraviglioso

Hi and welcome back. Congratulations on day 1. I also could not imagine my life without wine, and now, I can't seem to imagine my life WITH wine in it. I don't drink anymore. Period. And life is so much better because of it.
First, if going to the party is something you do not want to do and feel is a risk to your sobriety, then good for you for recognizing that and just don't go. No one can force you to go to a party. There are a million excuses you can come up with. Sudden flu, food poisoning, a basement flood, a tragedy in the family of a friend that requires your attention….
IF, a big IF, you decide (like many others here have) that you absolutely cannot miss this event, you can go and not drink.
YOu can do a number of things to avoid questions. You can order a soda water with lime which looks like a gin&tonic. You can order cranberry juice in a martini glass. YOu can get sparkling cider in a champagne glass.
You can also be honest and say you are not drinking. You don't have to get into the nitty gritty with your co-workers. You can say you feel a flu coming on and are trying to ward it off by not drinking, eating healthy and leaving early to get to bed. You can say you heard on the radio that there would be road blocks checking for drunk drivers and you are the DD for the night. That legitimately happens around the holiday party season anyway, so it is a smart move for anyone, alcoholic or not. You can say you got some tests back from your doctor that were unclear and for the time being you were instructed to lay off alcohol and excess sugars. You can say that you are nervous about the event going off without a hitch, particularly with the big boss in from out of town and you want to make sure you stay sober and clear to make sure everything goes smooth and you make the best impression. You can say you are on a diet, a cleanse, training for a 1/2 marathon, giving up alcohol to support a cause…..
Best of luck to you. Stick around!

Friend Of Bill

Just be honest has life become unmanageable are you done we simply don't drink today I was told don't think of it as I can never drink ever tell your boss no being honest is the only way to go we don't make excuses if we want to get better we go to any lengths that may include the fellowship a sponsor working the program it is what it is the main thing is that we get honest like never before with our selves

Fly N Buy

When I made the decision to quit, being honest with myself and others was part of that. As an alcoholic, I found lying as natural as breathing - there was always something to cover up. My disease is three fold - my body, mind and spirit. Sobriety and recovery addresses all three of these in different ways, for me.

No one can tell you what's best for your circumstances. That's up to you. If I had still been drinking and poised that question on a forum, it would have been framed to attempt to reinforce what I wanted to hear. See look, others agree with me.........the ones that don't are probably way wrong. Manipulation at it's finest.

In general I had to disassociate from people, places and circumstances surrounding alcohol for several months. I had played with the sober merry go round long enough and became willing to go to any lengths to stop and stay stopped.

Best of luck

pams

I know that this party is a bigger deal in my head than it actually is. I imagine that it's because the part of me that I need to ignore for now, the part that really really really likes wine, really really really wants to use it as the 'excuse'.

I know I have to take a different route when I drive home tomorrow from work. One that doesn't go near a liquor store. Luckily where I am, liquor isn't sold in the grocery stores. I have to decide what I am doing once I get home. My experience from previous attempts, is if I can get past that glass of wine after work, and the one when I am cooking supper, the rest of the evening goes rather smoothly. It's weird, because I can go a weekend without wine without too much trouble....it's workdays that I struggle with more. This past summer I went three weeks or so without a drink and I cant remember what happened where I decided to have a drink again.

What methods did you use right at the beginning to not have that drink? Because I know that the part of my brain that really wants one wont be easy to shut up for the next while......

Clayton407

Wow I can relate

pams

I already know that I will have to disassociate with some people, and places, and circumstances too if I want to succeed. SO many of my questions are about this exact thing.

Fly N Buy

I went to meetings, a lot of them - got a sponsor and did step work. Around 90 days the obsession to drink was gone and has not returned other than an occasional thought.

Changing my habits, talking daily to other alcoholics and quiet meditation all helped. I did gratitude lists, took walks and indulged in ice cream. Early sobriety can be tough, no doubt - I just kept focus on today, this moment.

The 24 hour thread helped me tons as well - I checked in there everyday. Occupying my mind and finding something to do with my hands were the keys early on. Still are!

Good question - others will post links to SR with tips etc certainly.
keep posting

doggonecarl

I did a lot of saying, "NO!" to the voice in my head that told me I should drink. Every couple of minutes the first couple days.

It takes a lot of integrity to quit. The integrity to not fall for the old, "No one will know you took a drink," line. The integrity to not tell one's self, "Drink tonight and really quit tomorrow. " The integrity to recognize any attempt to get you to put off quitting is a lie.

Saying NO is part of it. Maintaining the commitment to sobriety was something else I had to do. I read a lot of recovery books, read a lot about addiction, reflected on my drinking and worked hard expose all the denial I had been hiding under.

Learning how to deal with life sober...that's what the whole recovery journey is about. But for today, focus on not drinking tonight. And tomorrow, repeat.

tursiops999

Hi Pams -- I can so relate. The first glass of wine on arriving home after work, and a glass while cooking, were very much ingrained as my daily habit. I had to change up that habit in a big way, when I was first getting sober.

I actually stopped cooking dinner for awhile. I found an AA meeting that met at 6 pm every day Monday through Friday, and I went to that almost every day, instead of drinking & cooking. That worked well for me -- I had a new/different habit every weekday, and I put my energy into that instead of cooking and struggling with cravings.

Now my arrival home from work and the dinner prep are not a problem for me-- after 14 months sober. The change had to be radical at first, but within a couple of months, I could start carefully going back to things like cooking. (Other things, like going to parties with heavy drinking, I continue to avoid).

I had to make getting sober my first priority, and give up any habits or activities that did not support my sobriety.

You can do this!

pams

It's Day 4 and I am trudging along. I am no stranger to Day 3, have done that many times...have seen Day 4 before several times, only remember seeing Day 5 once since sometime in 2012. So this evening is turning out to be on the rough side. I WILL make it to Day 5, but it appears it is going to mess with me.

The last 4 days haven't been too bad. I could do without the zinging throughout my body when I am trying to fall asleep. What the heck is that? It feels like an electric jolt. Never had that before.

I had to stop at a place that's by the liquor store after work today. So I parked at the restaurant next door and walked over so I didn't even have to go by the door of the liquor store. I made it home with just a French Vanilla coffee, no bottle of wine. That was a rough drive home today.......