For the umpteenth time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 5
For the umpteenth time.
Good morning folks.
I chose the handle StayMadAtVlad because I have named my vodka addiction Vlad (with no disrespect meant to anyone who has that name). I have been a secret alcoholic for twenty years, hiding it from even my dear husband (as I blame everything else under the sun for my emotional outbursts – depression, anxiety, work stress, PMS, then menopause when I got old enough..)
I have to quit. It’s killing me and my marriage and my life, and the guilt is astronomical.
I can’t think of anything more to say right now so I’ll stop whining. This is Day One and please God let it be my last Day One.
Best wishes,
SMAV
I chose the handle StayMadAtVlad because I have named my vodka addiction Vlad (with no disrespect meant to anyone who has that name). I have been a secret alcoholic for twenty years, hiding it from even my dear husband (as I blame everything else under the sun for my emotional outbursts – depression, anxiety, work stress, PMS, then menopause when I got old enough..)
I have to quit. It’s killing me and my marriage and my life, and the guilt is astronomical.
I can’t think of anything more to say right now so I’ll stop whining. This is Day One and please God let it be my last Day One.
Best wishes,
SMAV
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Welcome! I was a vodka drinker too....evil stuff. You don't have to wait until you've lost everything to quit...just do the next right thing. If you start to feel really lousy please see your dr. Detox doesn't have to be horrendous and having medical support is a much safer route to go.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome to SR! Glad to hear that you are making the decision to quit for good, you won't regret it. Have you ever used a formal recovery plan of any kind in your previous attempts? Perhaps now might be the time if you haven't?
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by StayMadatVlad 
This is Day One
Step two is deciding how you are going to support and sustain that decision. Hence the reference to a "plan" you will probably see in some of the replies to your post.
Sobriety is a goal. The plan is how you are going to reach that goal.
Resident Awesome Guy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Castle Pines, CO
Posts: 747
Welcome to SR! This is a great place for support.
This is just my experience, but I wouldn't be able to be any where close to where I am today without the support of my wife and those close to me. You mentioned that you have been keeping this from your husband. I am curious if you are thinking of telling him what is going on?
This is just my experience, but I wouldn't be able to be any where close to where I am today without the support of my wife and those close to me. You mentioned that you have been keeping this from your husband. I am curious if you are thinking of telling him what is going on?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 319
Originally Posted by StayMadatVlad
I have to quit. It’s killing me and my marriage and my life, and the guilt is astronomical.
SMAV
SMAV
You've made a great choice to finally put a stop to this. Stay close to this site, and have a plan. Once that guilt is lifted you will be totally amazed at how great things can be (and how proud you'll be of yourself).
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I was a vodka drinker but I dont know how you have kept it secret for so long. My hidden bottles, sneaking around, odd behaviour, and changing demeanours didnt fool anyone for long. Although, I was a heavy drinker and really couldnt fake being sober.
It's no way to live, that's for sure.
It's no way to live, that's for sure.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 5
Wow - thanks for all the replies! I really appreciate them.
My only plan right now is not to drink tonight, no matter what. There’s no alcohol in our place so I’d have to buy it, and it’s late enough in the day that I’m not going to.
This addiction has wrecked my life in so many ways:
-the godawful nameless fear and terror, all the time, but mainly at 3 am where I lie shaking and praying "pleasegodpleasegodpleasegod" over and over
-lying, lying, lying
-constant worry about my health and whether I have already done too much damage to recover from
-etc etc.
It’s almost the end of the work day, and when I am not drinking I usually work late and leave after my colleagues do - nothing else to do and too afraid to go anywhere.
Living a life eager to leave work at the end of the day and looking forward to evening is so long ago I can barely remember it. This time of day a horrible fearful loneliness sets in, a recognition that over 20 years I have literally whittled my life down to working and drinking. I do enjoy my work and colleagues, so that’s a plus, but there is nothing else in my life at all. I haven’t made a clear sober choice in 20 years, and I fear that includes marrying my husband. I like him, I love him.. but I often ask myself if I was ever attracted to him, or if I married him just because it’s what our set of friends were doing at that age. We didn’t have kids for a number of reasons (and the way I turned out, thank God..) but I look at friends’ lives and think they have ever so much more meaning than mine does. I think sometimes I am just waiting to die.. and hastening that by poisoning myself.
About my husband - it's a bit of a bind because we have had fights about my drinking in the past, and he has said if he ever thought I was drinking again he would leave me. I just can't face losing him right now - he is all I have in the 'real world'.
I have to give up the only thing that makes life bearable for me.. and it feels pretty hopeless.
Thanks for being here.
SMAV
My only plan right now is not to drink tonight, no matter what. There’s no alcohol in our place so I’d have to buy it, and it’s late enough in the day that I’m not going to.
This addiction has wrecked my life in so many ways:
-the godawful nameless fear and terror, all the time, but mainly at 3 am where I lie shaking and praying "pleasegodpleasegodpleasegod" over and over
-lying, lying, lying
-constant worry about my health and whether I have already done too much damage to recover from
-etc etc.
It’s almost the end of the work day, and when I am not drinking I usually work late and leave after my colleagues do - nothing else to do and too afraid to go anywhere.
Living a life eager to leave work at the end of the day and looking forward to evening is so long ago I can barely remember it. This time of day a horrible fearful loneliness sets in, a recognition that over 20 years I have literally whittled my life down to working and drinking. I do enjoy my work and colleagues, so that’s a plus, but there is nothing else in my life at all. I haven’t made a clear sober choice in 20 years, and I fear that includes marrying my husband. I like him, I love him.. but I often ask myself if I was ever attracted to him, or if I married him just because it’s what our set of friends were doing at that age. We didn’t have kids for a number of reasons (and the way I turned out, thank God..) but I look at friends’ lives and think they have ever so much more meaning than mine does. I think sometimes I am just waiting to die.. and hastening that by poisoning myself.
About my husband - it's a bit of a bind because we have had fights about my drinking in the past, and he has said if he ever thought I was drinking again he would leave me. I just can't face losing him right now - he is all I have in the 'real world'.
I have to give up the only thing that makes life bearable for me.. and it feels pretty hopeless.
Thanks for being here.
SMAV
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