OpenTuning

Ah, apologies if I misunderstood. I saw that you sent him a text asking to come home, which sounded like you still feel an immediate permanent decision needs to be made. Either by him firmly rejecting your offer, or saying yes to it.

I was simply hoping you might be able to take some of the pressure off yourself by trying to set aside that need for closure while you focus all your energies right now on taking care of yourself.

I really hope that everything turns out well for you. You deserve that.

Jac88

thanks for today guys... I made it through a day in the office without freaking out and heading for the door... your messages and support really helped.. I also spent sometime with my lad and had a burger and natter and I feel a lot more calm and collected.. this morning felt like it was going to be a disaster day.. but I don't know what I was so worried about.. I am hurt he does not want us back..that he can just switch off like that to us and that I appear to be the only one that cared enough to care its ended.. but I know inside I am a good person... I couldn't of tried harder.. I just want him to be better, that's all I wanted from day one when this nightmare started.. watched the man I love turn into this....
I just pray tomorrow I will wake with the same calmness and be able to focus... I have a counsellor meeting tomorrow so I am hoping that will help to.. I started going when he first disappeared back in august it shed light a little more on my total inexperience with this disease...

Jac88

Open tuning, I really wish he would just give me a definitive answer... a NO would confirm even more for me that all these sudden choices, jumps I have taken to sort my future and my sons, what I know I need to do for myself in the long run... but I cannot make him do nothing.... its just hard leaving him behind..

Soberwolf

Jac

Jac88

Why am I hurt he hasn't txt back?? I make the decision today whether to move into new house or stay at my friends for a longer period get myself in a clearer frame of mind, I'm not going to lie I don't know what to do... Stay or go... I'm scared if I stay people will think I'm waiting for him, am I unknowingly waiting for him if I stay? I know my mind is not in a good place at the moment, that's why I'm so scared of making the wrong decision and f*kn up again.... God I'm indecisive today...

OpenTuning

In your previous post you said you wanted a clear NO, to help you move on. You've also written how he changed the locks. And you sent him a message asking to come home which he's ignored.

Perhaps read through what you've written and imagine it was someone else who'd written it. What advice would you give to that person?

What are the possible downsides to moving to a new home now? Would it be impossible to move again in a few months if that made the most sense for you? If your relationship did start again, could it be potentially helpful to have your own home at first as a kind of safety net in case it doesn't work out again? And if the relationship is now over, as I have to say it looks like from what you've written, would it be better to be in a new home to make a fresh start rather than still camping in your friend's house?

Jac88

Yea he has in some respects already given me the answer and what have I got to lose.. just him and I suppose that's what I cant accept.. but I have already.. haven't I..

OpenTuning

It's clear how much you love him, and how painful this is for you. And there's no reason at all why it should be easy for you to accept what's happened. I assure you things will get better with time, even though that may not be much comfort to you right now.

Jac88

He replied and it's broken my heart all over again... I've confirmed on the new house.. He sent me this...
I can't take this im gonna change my number and move. I know u think im a heartless ****. But sometimes the hardest thing to do that hurts people most is still the right thing to do! Im working day abd night to try and put this right. I cant take anymore. I will keep your mums number and get in touch as soon as I have money 4 u. Take care of yourself and * I never wanted it to end like this but I am genuinely scared of what might happen if I saw u again. Sorry again. I just can't feel bad anymore. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. And I completely understand how u feel. But this is killing me... I truly hope one day we can be friends.

I've sworn to myself I will let him go... I guess I just hope one day we can rebuild our relationship again, I don't understand why he is scared of me though all I have done is love and care for the bloke... Ahhhh the horrible raw feeling has returned...

OpenTuning

It's an awful way for a relationship to end, and I completely understand how horrible you must be feeling right now. From everything you've written, it does sound like he has some very real, very serious issues, that quite clearly have nothing to do with anything you've said or done. We all have the wish to fix things for the people we love and care about, but sometimes that just isn't possible. They either don't want our help, are incapable of accepting it, or haven't yet accepted that they have a problem that needs fixing in the first place.

I'm glad you at least have closure now and can move on, as painful as that is for you right now.

Jac88

I said to him that I pray he figures it all out and that I hope that the future doesn't exclude him.... I am looking at it that somewhere in there he does care and love us and that he is doing it because it's the right thing and best thing for us... Just hurts like hell.. And it is killing me also.. And it hurts he is scared of if he saw me and that he clearly thinks I am fussed about money... It's hard to accept that he doesn't see it's just his well being I care about

Soberwolf

Hang in there Jac I'm sorry for what your going through

Jac88

Why is he scared of me? I can't get my head around that..

Soberwolf

Idk best to let the dust settle I think

OpenTuning

To be honest, I'd be stunned if he can get his head around that either. We could come up with all kinds of theories, but ultimately we'd be trying to make sense of the logic coming from someone who has substance abuse issues. I can speak from experience when I say that's usually a logic free zone.

What's going through his mind is completely out of your control. Probably out of his control even. I know it's hard to do, but I can't think of anything that can be gained from trying to figure it out right now. Maybe someday it will become clearer, maybe not, but in the mean time you have yourself and your child to look after. That's got to be your top priority right now, surely?

Jac88

My lad has always been my top priority.. guess it just hurts that 3 weeks ago he was swearing blind that at home with us was the only safe place he knew.. how times change.. I am feeling a lot more positive though.. house is all sorted... just the emotional loss of my best friend... im just praying he copes with being in that house with all those memories and this loss... one door closes another opens for me.. can start my week countdown to a new house

Soberwolf

Sorry Jac

Thankful2day

Jac88 I have total empathy for what you are going thru. The feelings, anxiety, and thoughts fill the head and make every emotion you have stand full attention. Fighting urges to numb it for me has been alcohol but the next morning it is back staring me in the face. I can relate to how you feel. My husband and I met years ago in a bar, I have been with him off and on drunk and sober for uyears. Been with him thru DV and while he was in prison. He has been out for 2 years now and has been in and out of treatment two times for detox, hoping for him he stays sober this time . He has went to my family, friends and local AA meetings and ranted about how I am a drunk and abusive to him, and has even went so far to get a restraining order to keep me out of the house. Currently staying with family and working on staying sober and empowering myself. But my ego and codependent side (and the fact I love this man, although it sounds sick) is so angry. I have supported him since we have been together. He will not work, I feel because he owes a lot of back taxes (he had before we met), and he has no drivers license from numerous dwi's, and child endangerment charges. I am not innocent I have had a dwi and child endangerment due to drinking myself in the past, trust me he reminds me often. But angry can not enter my home to get personal belongings and he has the say what and what not my children can come and get. As well as a child we share together he will not let me see, her 5th bday was last Thursday. So feel anxious, emotions crazy and raw. But crying when need to and deep breathing a lot. Over and over telling my head, "stop a drink will not help, you will not be happy with one. And what? Are you going to start over again tomorrow? Don't drink and this insanity will stop!" I hope everything works out for you too.

Jac88

Thank u thankful2day for ur post. It's hard letting go of the pain, he seems so oblivious and happy to be rid of us in his words, I am plodding along each day and enjoy my evenings with my son and I am focusing on work and my house move. I cry a lot and try to get it all out, and the way he has been has revealed who he really is sober or that's what I'm lead to believe. I just can't hate myself for being human and not being able to switch of my love for him like he has towards me.

Soberwolf

Sorry you feel like this Jac