New to the site - everything feels so raw still - My EX
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 36
New to the site - everything feels so raw still - My EX
My ex-partner is in recovery, we have only literally 3 days ago broken up. I guess I've come on here to try and gain some understanding and support, I feel angry at myself for it coming to this but I know that it is the best for me, and him in the long run.
To bring you up to speed we have been together for 4 years not a lifetime, but we had previously been with each other when we were younger and its hard to explain when you just love someone. I knew years ago his liking for alcohol and i guess recently i was just not willing to accept how much he did depend on this and other substances. We moved in to a new house, with plans and views to a happy future together back in May and I was happy, he appeared to all to be happy as well, this however has come to light to be the biggest lie of all, my world and beliefs or should i say my ignorance began to lift very quickly. And then in July it all came crashing down he disappeared one night and then i received a call at 5am in the morning from him saying he had swam out to sea to kill himself then decided not to, swam back and he laughed.. how could he laugh.. i was shocked and distraught. When returning he frankly admitted he had a problem and could continue no longer or he would top himself. I supported him and he went to get help, I now realize he had at this point not truly admitted to himself the problem he had. All was fine for a month we argued but over silly things but i put this down to the no drink and substances and then it spiraled, In all our time together I had never seen him or had him treat me with such disrespect and dishonesty, he disappeared for nights on end. Would return and buzz round our house I could see in his eyes the need to be as far away from me as possible, being home was hell to him and then one day he decided to leave but he did not just leave he repeatedly came back randomly proclaiming he was in recovery and this was the best for me, when it was clear to see he was worse then ever. It finally reached crisis point and he disappeared from the area we live in, I felt abandoned and hurt and i was weak, i jumped at every call he made, i did anything he wanted and i finally agreed to go meet him where he was staying. I was shocked when I seen him, the man i loved he wasn't there anymore, I went to leave but i guess i just was not willing to give up hope and he talked me into staying a night, this resulted in him returning home with me the next day.
This brings us to the past 4 weeks, he came back and threw himself into meetings, counselling and recovery. I feel like a fool now, for allowing myself to be happy at this point in time, but things appeared to be settling, the gap between us was closing we were talking, he was glowing not using or drinking. I know I couldn't fight the addiction for him but I wanted to support him, I was stupid.
Then it all changed again, only last Friday he had said how proud he was of us both, and that we had the future ahead of us, no looking back and now I am sat on a camp bed surrounded by my stuff in a friends. The Saturday after the proud moment, he admitted he had been texting another girl, this hit me hard, how could he after all i had stood by him through, he then continued to tell me that our relationship was not working, but he was willing to try that the only certainty he had was i was his best friend and he loved me, that he was scared but we had been through to much just to give up on.The whole time he did not once give me the opportunity to voice my hurt and betrayal from this, I fell for it like a sucker. He then did not sleep that night and did everything within his power to make me unhappy, he was rude, he was angry at me, he was disgusting towards me, he sulked he refused to come to bed with me Sunday night, so i ignored him, he finally crawled into bed early hours and whispered he would always be there for me. My heart wanted to believe this it really did, by Monday as much as i dont want to admit it i know now he has not been there for me for a long time. I packed my bags and left... I am heartbroken i cannot lie.. I do feel hurt.. since then he has told me he used me, he has never been in love with me..that he is an addict and that he does not love himself so he could of never loved me and it has turned nasty.. he changed the locks to our house.... would not let me get any more stuff, this has resulted in me breaking in and clearing everything i own, he cannot speak to me like an adult and i hate myself for sitting here and missing him, I hate myself for putting myself in that position.. and worst of all.. wrapped up in this horrible mess is my little lad.. i have shielded him from well all most all of it.. but it was his home to and i know i have to be strong for him and put myself and him first... but i cant take away the feeling of just wanting him back. I know it is early days, and this will get easier but i guess i am on here to gain some support, speak to people who know what I'm going through.. I cant quite accept that the whole of our relationship and his with my son has been a sham as he is saying?
To bring you up to speed we have been together for 4 years not a lifetime, but we had previously been with each other when we were younger and its hard to explain when you just love someone. I knew years ago his liking for alcohol and i guess recently i was just not willing to accept how much he did depend on this and other substances. We moved in to a new house, with plans and views to a happy future together back in May and I was happy, he appeared to all to be happy as well, this however has come to light to be the biggest lie of all, my world and beliefs or should i say my ignorance began to lift very quickly. And then in July it all came crashing down he disappeared one night and then i received a call at 5am in the morning from him saying he had swam out to sea to kill himself then decided not to, swam back and he laughed.. how could he laugh.. i was shocked and distraught. When returning he frankly admitted he had a problem and could continue no longer or he would top himself. I supported him and he went to get help, I now realize he had at this point not truly admitted to himself the problem he had. All was fine for a month we argued but over silly things but i put this down to the no drink and substances and then it spiraled, In all our time together I had never seen him or had him treat me with such disrespect and dishonesty, he disappeared for nights on end. Would return and buzz round our house I could see in his eyes the need to be as far away from me as possible, being home was hell to him and then one day he decided to leave but he did not just leave he repeatedly came back randomly proclaiming he was in recovery and this was the best for me, when it was clear to see he was worse then ever. It finally reached crisis point and he disappeared from the area we live in, I felt abandoned and hurt and i was weak, i jumped at every call he made, i did anything he wanted and i finally agreed to go meet him where he was staying. I was shocked when I seen him, the man i loved he wasn't there anymore, I went to leave but i guess i just was not willing to give up hope and he talked me into staying a night, this resulted in him returning home with me the next day.
This brings us to the past 4 weeks, he came back and threw himself into meetings, counselling and recovery. I feel like a fool now, for allowing myself to be happy at this point in time, but things appeared to be settling, the gap between us was closing we were talking, he was glowing not using or drinking. I know I couldn't fight the addiction for him but I wanted to support him, I was stupid.
Then it all changed again, only last Friday he had said how proud he was of us both, and that we had the future ahead of us, no looking back and now I am sat on a camp bed surrounded by my stuff in a friends. The Saturday after the proud moment, he admitted he had been texting another girl, this hit me hard, how could he after all i had stood by him through, he then continued to tell me that our relationship was not working, but he was willing to try that the only certainty he had was i was his best friend and he loved me, that he was scared but we had been through to much just to give up on.The whole time he did not once give me the opportunity to voice my hurt and betrayal from this, I fell for it like a sucker. He then did not sleep that night and did everything within his power to make me unhappy, he was rude, he was angry at me, he was disgusting towards me, he sulked he refused to come to bed with me Sunday night, so i ignored him, he finally crawled into bed early hours and whispered he would always be there for me. My heart wanted to believe this it really did, by Monday as much as i dont want to admit it i know now he has not been there for me for a long time. I packed my bags and left... I am heartbroken i cannot lie.. I do feel hurt.. since then he has told me he used me, he has never been in love with me..that he is an addict and that he does not love himself so he could of never loved me and it has turned nasty.. he changed the locks to our house.... would not let me get any more stuff, this has resulted in me breaking in and clearing everything i own, he cannot speak to me like an adult and i hate myself for sitting here and missing him, I hate myself for putting myself in that position.. and worst of all.. wrapped up in this horrible mess is my little lad.. i have shielded him from well all most all of it.. but it was his home to and i know i have to be strong for him and put myself and him first... but i cant take away the feeling of just wanting him back. I know it is early days, and this will get easier but i guess i am on here to gain some support, speak to people who know what I'm going through.. I cant quite accept that the whole of our relationship and his with my son has been a sham as he is saying?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
I'm sorry for your situation. It's good that you see you need to focus on yourself and your son. You might find support for yourself at AlAnon, and we have a Friends & Families forum on this board, too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 36
thanks biminblue, i want to block him on my phone i really do but sometimes this is easier said then done. Luckily at present contact has now ceased completely.. and having been on here all of 45mins and reading &acknowledging other peoples views has given me a new outlook and insight into it all... its good not to feel so alone in it all finally... with it all being so fresh I just dont think i am quite ready to let go yet... i know this is not an option as he is not IN love with me as he quoted all week but loves me.... its hard just to walk away.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Well, what would happen if you just gave yourself permission to not talk to him for a couple weeks? See how nice it is...because it will be nice to be out of the eye of the storm.
Take care of yourself. Get a massage or a manicure. Go to a movie by yourself. Buy a new whatchamagig.
Take care of yourself. Get a massage or a manicure. Go to a movie by yourself. Buy a new whatchamagig.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 36
I have made some rash decisions this week though, i have found a new house, i have moving date, i know i can move forward it is him that chooses not to. I am just scared myself i think, i dont want to leave him behind.
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
Being scared is typical and normal. Anyone would be scared with big life changing events like you're going thru. Stay positive and you'll get thru it. Time heals the wounds.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 36
I have woken today and tried to look differently at our situation, I've started to educate myself on codependency and enabling, but I'm looking back at before we moved and I guess my fog has still not risen.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
