I'm new...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 3
I'm new...
Hi, I'm new to the forums, and I'm here because I'm concerned about my husbands drinking... And a friend told me to get some more advice and support as I feel so out of my depth.
A month or so ago I had cause to really look at his drinking, we'd gone out with friends and he was way more drunk than everyone else, given we'd only had a couple of drinks each. Which made me look at some other strange occurrences differently, like a couple of times where he said he'd been ill and missed a wedding, and a theatre trip (maybe twice in the last couple of years?). I also discovered he'd been secretly drinking whilst on holiday, a bottle of Cointreau over 2 weeks - I didn't notice until I found the empty bottle.
I suggested we try a dry November as we could both do with cutting down... (I'm a glass of wine a few nights a week kind of person), which he easily agreed to and said he wanted to cut down.... Well, fast forward to now and I know he's been drinking. I've found empty wine bottles hidden, and two sports bottles filled with wine... And some whisky drunk too.
We had a crazy argument one night after I'd been out with friends, and I'm pretty sure he had been drinking whilst I'd been out.
I don't really know what to do next, I feel like I'm becoming obsessed with his drinking and I just don't really know what to do... So I've come here.
A month or so ago I had cause to really look at his drinking, we'd gone out with friends and he was way more drunk than everyone else, given we'd only had a couple of drinks each. Which made me look at some other strange occurrences differently, like a couple of times where he said he'd been ill and missed a wedding, and a theatre trip (maybe twice in the last couple of years?). I also discovered he'd been secretly drinking whilst on holiday, a bottle of Cointreau over 2 weeks - I didn't notice until I found the empty bottle.
I suggested we try a dry November as we could both do with cutting down... (I'm a glass of wine a few nights a week kind of person), which he easily agreed to and said he wanted to cut down.... Well, fast forward to now and I know he's been drinking. I've found empty wine bottles hidden, and two sports bottles filled with wine... And some whisky drunk too.
We had a crazy argument one night after I'd been out with friends, and I'm pretty sure he had been drinking whilst I'd been out.
I don't really know what to do next, I feel like I'm becoming obsessed with his drinking and I just don't really know what to do... So I've come here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,572
Welcome coffeegirl -- I'm sorry for what you're going through -- sounds very upsetting. You'll find lots of support here. Also suggest you check out the Friends and Family section on this site -- lots of folks will relate to exactly what you're going through. You're smart to notice about starting to obsess about his drinking -- it will be important to take care of yourself no matter what happens with his drinking. Al-anon meetings could be a big help, you may want to check it out.
Hugs to you.
Hugs to you.
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
Welcome coffeegirl. Also, if you haven't already, check out the friends and family forum here. What you're describing is pretty typical. We alcoholics usually know we have a problem and are ashamed of it and hide the amount of drinking. Unfortunately for you it's completely up to your husband on whether he wants quit or not. The only thing you can do is take care of yourself. If he's not ready to admit he has a problem and willing to do something about it no amount of loving him, nagging, etc. is going to make a difference. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 645
Welcome, Coffeegirl. Hiding alcohol is a huge red flag. That's when I knew I had a serious problem. It's good that you are "obsessed" because this is a progressive, chronic and fatal disease. It's only going to get worse. I've heard lots of people say they thought they'd hit rock bottom only to learn it had a trap door. The Friends and Family section of this site can offer better advice from the normie perspective. I know for starters that you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. They will give you great advice over there on what you can do as the wife because nothing will change until he is willing and ready to face this head on. He's actually probably quite frightened that it has escalated this far and feels very alone in that he's not sure what to do and is hiding his worry due to shame.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Hi CoffeGirl you have come to the right place sorry for the situation that brings you here know you find tons of useful advice, support & friendship
Focus on your sobriety which I commend you for but tbh its going to be a lot harder living with a active alcoholic
Is he or you open to any sort of mtns if he or you doesn't want to AA there is secular based smart recovery mtns ?
Focus on your sobriety which I commend you for but tbh its going to be a lot harder living with a active alcoholic
Is he or you open to any sort of mtns if he or you doesn't want to AA there is secular based smart recovery mtns ?
One Day At A Time
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,054
Hi, Coffeegirl-
Sorry for what brings you here, but I really hope you find the support you need!
The abbreviations above from soberwolf are....mtns = meetings for yourself such as Al-Anon, or Alcoholics Anonymous / SMART Recovery meetings for your husband.
Sorry for what brings you here, but I really hope you find the support you need!
The abbreviations above from soberwolf are....mtns = meetings for yourself such as Al-Anon, or Alcoholics Anonymous / SMART Recovery meetings for your husband.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Welcome, coffeegirl.
If he's hiding alcohol, that's not a good sign.
At the bottom of this post I'm going to link you to the forum for the Friends and Family of Alcoholics. When you click this, at the top of the page will be a dozen or so titles/threads that are called, "Stickies" and they are sort of like "Best of" topics. They have this little "lock" icon -
I hope you'll find identification and comfort here and in Friends and Family:
(link)
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
If he's hiding alcohol, that's not a good sign.
At the bottom of this post I'm going to link you to the forum for the Friends and Family of Alcoholics. When you click this, at the top of the page will be a dozen or so titles/threads that are called, "Stickies" and they are sort of like "Best of" topics. They have this little "lock" icon -
I hope you'll find identification and comfort here and in Friends and Family:(link)
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Sorry CoffeeGirl I meant Alcoholics Anonymous Meetings or Secular based Smart recovery meetings & working a programme here's the uk links if your not uk just Google your country in front of both first
Alcoholics Anonymous (Great Britain) Ltd - Home
Meetings | UK SMART Recovery
Alcoholics Anonymous (Great Britain) Ltd - Home
Meetings | UK SMART Recovery
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
sorry for the late welcome but welcome CoffeeGirl 
Some good advice already - I hope we can help you make a decision.
You'll find a lot of support here, and a lot of experience both here and in our Family and Friends forums.
D
Some good advice already - I hope we can help you make a decision.
You'll find a lot of support here, and a lot of experience both here and in our Family and Friends forums.
D
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