understanding the balance...
Sarah
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Pennsylvaina
Posts: 44
understanding the balance...
I originally visited this site to find out what the rule of thumb would be and what to expect if I felt the need to request that my husband a recovering addict take an at home drug test, due to his change in behavior. I have read a lot of the threads and I find that it will ultimately be a lose lose. But my question is on the behalf of the family and my (our) ability to remain supportive rather them suspicious. I can completely understand the let down and anger that the RA would feel at this request but after years in my case battling this disease with him the mistrust that has become the norm with my husband and the lies that overlaped other lies. I find myself feeling as though my own concern and doubt will always be over shadowed by his right to be offended... I have myself and 2 children to worry about and right now I have made sure that he has only himself to worry about so he can focus on his recovery. His behavior has changed lately and I am at a loss. How do I help & protect us all without always ending up the "bad guy"...? 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Have you considered or approached him about the behavior and worked on addressing the behavior itself?
Perhaps rather than jump to the conclusion of it being addiction, you could start with the concerns you have about what is actually happening in your experience. Maybe a discussion and an honest sharing with him would be a good place to start a dialogue.
"Hey, I'm really feeling frustrated and afraid because of these issues I'm experiencing from you. It seems out of character and is causing me concern. What's going on?"
Maybe having this conversation with a counselor would also be a viable approach.... bringing it into a forum where you could have 'safe' dialogue with the help of a professional. As hard as it may be to trust - you've clearly made the decision to be with your RA husband and to trust in him.... Once that decision has been made, it seems to me like you have to be all-in. Give him the space, respect and trust and treat him as you would any other person with whom you had issue or concern about behavior and interaction. See if you can engage him.
In this process - it could potentially come to light that he is once again using and breaking your trust. Or, in that space of respect that you offer him - it could come to light something else is going on. Or, it could afford him the opportunity to admit to you that he has relapsed and ask your help and forgiveness. A lot of possibilities, but it could be that starting by having an open and honest discussion about your experience and your needs might lead you to the right next step.
Perhaps rather than jump to the conclusion of it being addiction, you could start with the concerns you have about what is actually happening in your experience. Maybe a discussion and an honest sharing with him would be a good place to start a dialogue.
"Hey, I'm really feeling frustrated and afraid because of these issues I'm experiencing from you. It seems out of character and is causing me concern. What's going on?"
Maybe having this conversation with a counselor would also be a viable approach.... bringing it into a forum where you could have 'safe' dialogue with the help of a professional. As hard as it may be to trust - you've clearly made the decision to be with your RA husband and to trust in him.... Once that decision has been made, it seems to me like you have to be all-in. Give him the space, respect and trust and treat him as you would any other person with whom you had issue or concern about behavior and interaction. See if you can engage him.
In this process - it could potentially come to light that he is once again using and breaking your trust. Or, in that space of respect that you offer him - it could come to light something else is going on. Or, it could afford him the opportunity to admit to you that he has relapsed and ask your help and forgiveness. A lot of possibilities, but it could be that starting by having an open and honest discussion about your experience and your needs might lead you to the right next step.
Sarah
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Pennsylvaina
Posts: 44
Thank you, I appreciate your advice!! I guess right now I'm just reeling from all that has recently gone on. I feel lost and alone. How do I anticipate or support recovery the right way when my husband the recovering Heroin/Pill addict feels so much pain from the physical issues that are present. (without pain meds or injections or something) He went to detox for one week. Came home and recovered for the next 2 wks and then once withrawl side affects went away he has now been to the ER 2 times in the middle of the night when i couldn't go with him ( because we have a 4yr old and a 16 yr old) for help to stop the pain in his knees and back.... 1st visit he was given ambien to help him sleep and a dose of steroids which he has not filled... the last visit (2 days later) they gave him (6) 5mg percocets w/tylenol. He filled those before I even knew he was prescribed them. This has all happened in less then 1 month from the day he left for detox.... He went to one meeting and never returned and has rejected the D&A counselors suggestion that he enter intense outpatient rehab.... I feel he is avoiding any and all places that will tell him he can not use at all even with his bad knees and back..... Feeling Destined to repeat the past on the ride that only goes in circles.... I am Sorry I want to be positive I just don't know how. The percocets ran out yesterday. Regardless of the fact he never should have been taking them.... He said he told the ER doctor of his problem but I don't see how that is possible.... I plan to attend the local al anon meeting later this evening.
Hoping for some recovery/relapse tools...
Hoping for some recovery/relapse tools...
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,447
I think going to an AlAnon meeting is a good place to start. I think you need to work on your own recovery and what is best for you and your children. It sounds like you are putting a lot of energy into what your husband is doing or not doing in his recovery, but that isn't really helping you or your children. You have no control over what your husband is drinking or taking, but you do have control over how you react. Without trust in the relationship, it's going to be very difficult to move forward.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by saw1978 
I originally visited this site to find out what the rule of thumb would be and what to expect if I felt the need to request that my husband a recovering addict take an at home drug test, due to his change in behavior. I have read a lot of the threads and I find that it will ultimately be a lose lose. But my question is on the behalf of the family and my (our) ability to remain supportive rather them suspicious. I can completely understand the let down and anger that the RA would feel at this request but after years in my case battling this disease with him the mistrust that has become the norm with my husband and the lies that overlaped other lies. I find myself feeling as though my own concern and doubt will always be over shadowed by his right to be offended... I have myself and 2 children to worry about and right now I have made sure that he has only himself to worry about so he can focus on his recovery. His behavior has changed lately and I am at a loss. How do I help & protect us all without always ending up the "bad guy"...?
Mmmmm...This is a tough one. Yes, it does seem you will always end up feeling like the 'bad guy'--for doing what is RIGHT! You have a RIGHT to be concerned, to worry, and to try to do something about it. I think it's good that you have tried to set it up so he can hopefully concentrate and focus on his recovery. You have a right to protect yourself and your children. Hang in there and don't give up. Addicts have ways of twisting things around to make YOU feel guilty for doing nothing wrong...and I don't know that they/we do that on purpose or as more of a self-defense mechanism....it's sort of like an insane person eventually causing you to feel as though you are insane! Crazy-making is what it is often termed.
Blessed Be....
Sarah
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Pennsylvaina
Posts: 44
Thank you! I am happy to be here and hope to be able to improve my quality of life and that of my kids by learning what & how I can do right by my family as a whole. Thank you all!! I do not want to offend or upset anyone by being discouraged and I hope that no one in recovery feels me to be upsetting. If that is the case I have also began this discussion in the Friends and Family of Substance Abusers forum if anyone would rather I not place this on new comers to recovery. I can understand and will not continue to discuss here.
Thank you all very much!
Thank you all very much!
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