adelina123

I'm not going write a " poor me" post I've done enough of those. Sick of feeling sorry for myself. But needless to say, I've spent the last 2 nights drinking. The determination I feel at the beginning of each day just fades in the distance by late noon. I'm fed up!!
me and the Mr had an honest conversation last night about my drinking. This is something we don't do often we tend to just sweep it under the carpet.
He said he is worried about how much I've been drinking of late. He doesn't like it. He refered to my mum who also has a problem and said although he doesn't feel I'm at that stage yet I'm on my way. He said about my health and don't I want to be around for our kids in the future? He also said that nearly every time we do anything of a sexual nature I'm drunk, this doesn't make him feel good..... made me feel terrible.
I told him how bored I am, home alone most nights whilst he works, dinner, kids, homework? Bath, bed it's so mundane and then I go to bed alone.
anyway ... i just wondered if anyone had any tips to keep up that initial determination. I did 5 days last week and felt great. One slip a week ago and now I've spiralled back to where I was before. How do you re wire your brain??

tufty13

Hi Adelina,

Well done for doing five days! That's five days more than many people can do.

I don't think I'm the best person to comment because I'm so early in my journey but a few things I've done....

Zero alcohol in the house. Zero.
Drink lots of water. My brain had got used to associating thirst as needing a "drink"
I log on here all the time at the moment. Read peoples stories and how low people have gone and that keeps me motivated.
I'm imagining treating myself to something with the money I would have spent on booze at the end of the month.
I think of how I want my children to remember me in the future (and now for that matter) and I REALLY don't want that to be "as a drunk".

I'm sure others will come up with better ideas.

You can do this!

Dee74

Hi Adelina

I really believe we'll get out of our recovery what we put into it - how much effort have you been putting in? can you do more?

what other things can to add to what you've been doing for your recovery?

D

Nonsensical

Stop giving it alcohol.

Dozens of times, maybe even a hundred, I got up in the morning and poured all the alcohol in my house down the sink, slapped the counter and said, "I'm done! Never again!" Either that evening or the next I was drinking again.

That's not boredom, that's addiction. My brain was addicted to alcohol, created a demand signal for it, and made excuses about why it was going to be OK to drink just one more time.

The only way to rewire your brain to stop desiring alcohol is to stop giving it alcohol.

The cure for boredom is creativity. Find something better to do than drink.

Your post is improperly titled. You are not failing, you are learning.

You can do this.

adelina123

Thank you and they are great ideas. I log in to here several times a day some days and I know it helps but then when the urge to drink takes over I avoid this Web site it's almost like I know it will help me but I don't want help right now thanks i just want a drink!! Hope that makes sense?

adelina123

You're right I need to try harder I give in too easily and then regret it its a vicious circle .... i need a better plan!!

Soberwolf

Hi Adelina you got to want to be sober more than you want to drink

If your serious about staying sober then do anything & everything to stay sober

Some suggestions: AA, Smart, AVRT recovery programmes will help keep you on track

No matter what Adelina doesn't drink (adopt this mantra)

Journalling, seeing a Dr, getting rid of any alcohol in your home & any related stuff like favourite glasses etc,

Get a hobby that is healthy & productive ~ think about what brings you joy exercise helps heaps

Support network ~ start interacting sober with the people, friends & family you love

Posting everyday on SR through the initial tougher months & this way Adelina when you feel the AV whispering you can open up & talk about it, isnt It ironic alcoholics will introduce themselves but won't reach out I was the same reaching out is the one of the biggest lifesavers in recovery

Acceptance of the fact your a alcoholic or problem addictive drinker or whatever other names they continue to invent

Most importantly know your not alone you can do this you just have to want it

Adelina do you want this ?

OpenTuning

Adelina, you've probably done this already, but have you read the AVRT crash course? You can find it with an Internet search. Or read about it on these forums.

It feels to me that perhaps you still aren't fully separating those two competing voices in your brain. The one that in the mornings says you want to stop drinking, that posts on here fully accepting you have a problem and need to stop. And the other voice that wants to keep drinking and tells you to go buy more alcohol and pour it down your throat.

Because it isn't that you keep changing your mind, it's that those competing voices are coming from two different parts of your brain. The one that wants to drink is your AV, coming from the most primitive part of your brain. All it wants is the pleasure it gets from alcohol. It cares nothing at all about you, your health, your family, your relationships or friendships. It just wants booze at any cost and will say anything at all to get it. But the good thing is that it doesn't control your actions. The real you, the part that doesn't want to drink, is the one that actually controls whether to go to the store, buy the booze, pour it into a glass and drink it. Not the AV. It's powerless without your help. For me, really understanding where that voice is coming from. That it isn't just me appearing to constantly change my mind, but what is equivalent to a primitive beast talking to me using my voice, made a big difference. It allowed me to identify it and ignore it.

It isn't easy, and will take practice, but for me that was the first step to kicking booze out of my life for good.

tufty13

That's brilliant that you have an awareness of this, so if you're looking to change something, change this one thing.

Don't log off, it might be painful but just don't do it. Keep reading and keep thinking about the fact that it's your AV that wants you to turn your back on SR and feed it it what it needs. It's not really you, it's not what you want to do is it?

Forgive yourself for picking up again, no point in giving yourself grief, just start again knowing that you're even stronger NOW and have more knowledge and awareness of your AV then you've EVER had before.

You can do it!

ccam1973

Adelina, a lot of good advice here already. A little wisdom that has already been shared which REALLY helped me early on:

You've got to want to be sober more than you want to drink. I didn't understand this in the beginning. You've got to look past the cravings you feel today and actually sense the benefits you will get tomorrow by not picking up today. You've got to realign your thinking so that most of all, no matter what happens today, all your energy is focused on waking up tomorrow morning having not drank today. If you can do that today, then you've got a great start on your journey.

Fill your time with SR. Early on, I was on SR on all of my down time. I had insomnia bad, so I was literally on here all hours of the day. You need to embed it into your mind that as soon as you start to crave a drink, jump on here and ask us for some help. If you're not around a computer, then do anything to divert your attention. Always remember, these are just your thoughts, nothing more. You don't have to act on these cravings. You are stronger than your excuses.

Never negotiate with your AV. As soon as that happens, you've lost the fight for the day. Bottom line, you aren't drinking today. Do what ever it takes to make it happen. Trust me, you are strong enough to make this happen. See how you want your day to start out tomorrow and make that happen by your actions today. Look into your future, I bet you don't dream of drinking every day, again and again and again. You can mold your future, but you've got to start today.

Stay strong and make a plan on how you are going to stay sober today. Don't just want to be sober... staying sober has got to be your everything in the beginning. Dig deep, you can do this!

zombob

Lotsa truth here. Namely: the wanting of alcohol wanes and becomes manage-able by not drinking no-matter-what. We've all had to get over that hurdle and truthfully, the urges only last minutes--maybe many times in a day but minutes are do-able with SR, maybe a supportive friend to call, busy-work, meditation, x-words--whatever--anything but drinking. Simple but by no means easy. You can do this.

OpenTuning

As a starting point, have a look through some of your posts and see if you can spot which bits were written by your AV, and not you. In today's for example, you seem to be saying you drink because you're bored. Really? Is that the best your AV can come up with? If we were in a room together right now, I bet within 5-10 minutes we could come up with a list of at least 100 different fun things you could do with your time that don't involved drinking. But for your AV, the only one it can come up with is to drink. That's the thing, once you really start to identify that voice, you start to see how pathetic your AV really is.

doggonecarl

Tips? Gratitude. Do you know how many folks would be blessed to have the mundane nights you have? Home, family, a bed. What Nonsensical says is true, I believe, it's not boredom, it's addiction.

When things get tough, perhaps be thankful for the things sobriety can bring you, and how grateful your family will be to have a sober mom. And work out a plan...actual things you can do to push you through those urges to drink.

newpage119

Maybe find a babysitter or daycare for a day or two during the week so you can get out of the house? Part time job? Volunteer work?

If that is not possible find a hobby to pass the time. Udemy has online courses in everything and you can find courses for $10 all the time on their "sales"...

READ books on alcoholism. I recommend the AVRT book, Rational Recovery or the Jason Vale book. There is a list of books under the sticky section at the top of the page.

Also really think about your family. Your son deserves a sober Mom.
If your hubby is already upset about your drinking, what do you think he is going to do if you continue to drink? Think about it. Is that the way you want your life to go?

Know that you are going to have to push yourself to get through the early stages, but it does get easier.......

Saskia

Once you get further into being sober (timeframe can vary from weeks to months), you will probably find all kinds of ways to fill those "boring" evenings. Early in sobriety we aren't used to flexing our brains to find something interesting to do. Later, we start finding all kinds of fascinating and fun things that can make our lives so much richer.

You have to want to be sober for yourself. And, it makes a difference if you decide you will do whatever it takes. For some people, coming here to SR is enough. I wanted desperately to stop but was a serial relapser. Eventually, I found that I needed an intensive outpatient program plus AA to get me through the first 3 months. Some people need inpatient rehab. After that, I was still rocky for about another 5 months. Now at 15 months I feel solid but cautious. There's no way that I know of to predict what any of us will need to do the job.

I would suggest not waiting as long as I did (2 years) to get to IOP or rehab if that's what it takes for you. Many of us think that we can't take that kind of time out of our everyday lives. If we don't stop drinking, that means a permanent "time-out" so yes, I think each of us needs to be willing to make time for whatever it takes. Just my opinion.

adelina123

thank you, and yes ive done that lots of times too - pouring the wine away in the morning determined I wont be drinking it again only to kick myself for wasting money when I need to buy more!!

thank you for your advice I appreciate it.

adelina123

thank you, very powerful, really got me thinking, as it does seem I just keep changing my mind, that's how the Mr see's it he doesn't know if he's coming or going, one minute i'm swearing to be sober, the next im asking him to buy me wine.

adelina123

its funny you say about negotiating - I do this a lot, example -

AV - are you getting some wine tonight
me - no not tonight I should have a night off and im supposed to be stopping.
av - just buy one bottle then, don't open it till later so you don't run out so quickly and need another one.
me - no, I know 1 bottle wont be enough, even if I have good intentions they go down the pan.
av - surely you can buy just one and wait till the kids are in bed, you can then go to ben when its finished and you wont have a hangover.
me - mmm maybe your right, I will just get one and I will leave it till at least 8pm to open.

so I buy the one, I found the other night that before I had even finished the first glass I was 'negotiating' another bottle.
sure enough off I go before the 1st bottles empty to get another one. oh and I NEVER wait till 8pm its open by 6.30 at the latest.

adelina123

I work 4 days a week so im busy all day its just the evenings I find difficult. but yes a babysitter during a week night could be an option so I can go out to do something I enjoy, thank you.

and yes ive read quite a few sober books, I really need to get the Jason Vale one next.

biminiblue

adelina, it's already been suggested, but here is the AVRT thread on this site - your Addictive Voice is in control.

That voice is always going to try to negotiate more alcohol. That's pretty much the definition of addiction.

Here - read through this every time you think a drink might be a good idea:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ined-long.html