The number simply don't lie...
 

A couple thoughts I've been working through over the last couple days after a friend died...

I was told in both my 90-day inpatient programs that of all of us with addiction issues, a third will get recovery the first time around, a third will relapse a number of times but eventually enter into meaningful recovery, and a third will die in addiction. I cannot speak to the veracity of these numbers. I can, however, say that I've taken it very much to heart. I have ten months and change since the last drink. I was a chronic relapse case. That means I'm not in the first third which got it the first time around. That also means that if I go back out, I'm facing a 50/50 chance of making it back (and I often feel that's being generous).

I have a friend of 4 years that I ran this past some months back. At that point, I had not dealt with a close loss of anyone I knew in recovery. That changed about ten days ago, when a great friend I'd known since long before both our addictions took hold passed away. He'd relocated out of Wyoming to Los Angeles. Somewhere, after four years of recovery, he made a switch, and didn't come back from it.

I'd waited to post about it until I got details. I tried to reserve judgement regarding the situation, but the numbers...the logical, analytical side of my brain wouldn't let them get away from me. When I talked to his brother, it was confirmed that he'd been drinking heavily prior to his death.

I haven't gotten close to too many people in recovery. That's something I'm working through, and stems from some social difficulties that were part of the reason I started drinking some 13 years ago. Another female acquaintance, who I had often talked Iron Maiden and Megadeth with prior to meetings and bummed cigarettes off of, passed away recently as well, but she and I were hardly close. I just saw her obituary on the newspaper's website today, actually. Had my friend and I not been close for years before our respective alcohol abuses took over, I doubt this would be having much effect on me.

I shed a couple tears the other day, but I'm more or less past that part of things now. We were remarkably close (I stayed with his family after my second 90-day program), and I still have a coin he gave me in my wallet. I won't be making it to Wyoming for the services this Saturday. Not sure what I'll do, other than not drink and take the day as it comes.

I am, however, firmly committed to the idea that I'm flipping a coin if I ever pick back up again. It's a dedicated, vigilant effort that keeps me out of my thinking errors that would allow me to rationalize the danger away. I don't gamble, I rarely even care to play a hand of poker, and slot machines are WAY too erratic for my tastes. 50/50 odds are way too risky for me. I think, if I can keep anything in mind going into Saturday, that it will be most helpful for me to remind myself that flipping coins is a lousy way to rationalize living versus dying.

Thanks for letting me ramble...

I'm sorry for your loss Austin.

It's very true that this is a life or death struggle - I think sometimes it's easy to forget that.

D

Terrible news. So sorry.
I bet your friend would be proud of you.

Sorry Austin

Very sorry Austin for your loss. Thank you for posting. Those numbers really put things in perspective. As part of the relapse group, your post gave me more resolve to maintain sobriety. Yes, heads or tails is not a game to play with 50/50 odds with our life on the line.

My thoughts will be with you Saturday.

Thank you for sharing this - humbled to read it this morning. Thoughts for your friends family and you today.

I'm sorry for you loss. This is a poignant reminder for us all to guard our sobriety, no matter how long we've been sober.

Those stats made a huge impression on me when I attended IOP. I think I walked away from IOP classes determined not to be one of those who drinks again. None of us are perfect, but I take to heart and remain inspired by those who put it down and never pick it up again. I know it can be done.

That's a really powerful, meaningful ramble.

Thanks for sharing it and for the reminder.

I've now seen three friends go in the three total years I've been giving sobriety a legitimate run. I have almost two years in and I intend to be and remain a member of the "Got it after a few stumbles" group.

A good friend in the program told me not long ago, when we lost a friend to addiction via drugged-and-drunken suicide; "The longer you're in this... the more good people you'll lose".

It was a sobering (literally) thought. The reality is that we WILL see those folks. We will also see a lot of miracles and a lot of examples of lives turned around and saved. And in sobriety, if we're active and reaching out and giving back - maybe we'll even be blessed enough to have a role in helping some of those 2/3rds who make it onto the sober path. That said, we must accept that we will bear the burden also of seeing many who don't.

:grouphug:

I agree with freeowl, a pretty lucid ramble in my opinion. Very sorry for the loss of your friend. I've said this before and I know full well that it is kind of calloused, but the numbers don't lie. Some don't make it. My grandfather and uncle fit into that category.

I appreciate all the kind words. The service is tomorrow, and I fired a quick email to his brother. I plan to sit and write a proper letter sometime next week.

I'm okay with it. I don't plan to get "over" the loss. I find it far healthier to simply get through it and make it as constructive an experience as possible.

Onward.

im very glad youre viewing it that way. ive gotten to know people who have died from alcoholism/addiction- the hardest being a very good friend i wrote about here a while ago,thom.
ill never be over it. i read your thread yesterday and greiving started again. but im getting through it.
the hardest thing i think for me was(and can still be) is the anger i can get- i have to aim it at the disease and not the person.

So sorry to hear Austin, sending you healing vibes and a big hug.

I'm sorry for your loss, Austin, and it's good to remember that we must be vigilant.