We alcoholics are natural manipulators...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Arizona
Posts: 184
Everyone's responses just deepens my love for this site and my absolute respect for everyone here. Thank you guys so much. I will try being more honest here when I'm really struggling, and using ignore if I need to when I'm being triggered. I hope everyone that reads this thread does the same. Ignore me at will 
. Thanks again everyone 
. Thanks again everyone 
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 507
Hi Ambuler,
Great attitude. Helping people at all stages of their journey is what we're all here for. Even when it's people at the early stages who want (or their AV wants) to hear someone say "no, you're fine, you're not one of us, carry on drinking", even though they already know the answer is no, they're not fine. In some ways, it's those people who need our help more than anyone. And I've lost track of the number of threads where someone has stayed home, and stayed sober, because they came on here when the urges hit.
Good luck on your journey, and just remember with those triggers that they still need you to act on them. The trick is coming up with a plan for how to stay sober when you run into those triggers, which are hard to avoid completely.
Great attitude. Helping people at all stages of their journey is what we're all here for. Even when it's people at the early stages who want (or their AV wants) to hear someone say "no, you're fine, you're not one of us, carry on drinking", even though they already know the answer is no, they're not fine. In some ways, it's those people who need our help more than anyone. And I've lost track of the number of threads where someone has stayed home, and stayed sober, because they came on here when the urges hit.
Good luck on your journey, and just remember with those triggers that they still need you to act on them. The trick is coming up with a plan for how to stay sober when you run into those triggers, which are hard to avoid completely.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Manipulation is something we learn as humans when we are children. every human is a 'natural manipulator'. It is a normal course of development. We are very self-centric and actually it stems from a basic biological need to survive.
As we mature, we grow out of that to varying degrees... addiction stunts this maturity process, this development. So those who struggle with addiction remain stuck in this manipulative behavior. When we embrace sobriety, we embrace the chance to evolve again.
On the way to that place of our evolution though, we struggle to free ourselves from old habits, to learn, to escape. Manipulation may feel comfortable because it's known. It may feel like our only option - because it's ALL we know.
And the rest of us - "out here" - are here for one another and have ourselves been guilty of manipulation at some point in our lives.
This is not an excuse. This does not make it 'right'. But suspending judgment and looking at it through a lens of objectivity, we can see why it happens - and then we can offer our experience, strength and hope to those who are still stuck.
As we mature, we grow out of that to varying degrees... addiction stunts this maturity process, this development. So those who struggle with addiction remain stuck in this manipulative behavior. When we embrace sobriety, we embrace the chance to evolve again.
On the way to that place of our evolution though, we struggle to free ourselves from old habits, to learn, to escape. Manipulation may feel comfortable because it's known. It may feel like our only option - because it's ALL we know.
And the rest of us - "out here" - are here for one another and have ourselves been guilty of manipulation at some point in our lives.
This is not an excuse. This does not make it 'right'. But suspending judgment and looking at it through a lens of objectivity, we can see why it happens - and then we can offer our experience, strength and hope to those who are still stuck.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,785
I can completely relate to what you are saying and felt the same in early sobriety.
However, one of the first lessons I had to learn was that it didn't matter what anyone else was doing in terms of their drinking, If I picked up, I was the one that had to rebattle the cravings. The consequences of my drinking were also mine alone to bear. I learned this lesson the hard way when I was first here.
Just keep plugging forward and concentrate on your own journey.
However, one of the first lessons I had to learn was that it didn't matter what anyone else was doing in terms of their drinking, If I picked up, I was the one that had to rebattle the cravings. The consequences of my drinking were also mine alone to bear. I learned this lesson the hard way when I was first here.
Just keep plugging forward and concentrate on your own journey.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 268
How's it goin Ambuler?! I use to go through the posts as well to find someone who had the same number of days in as I have and who slipped, kinda like trying to find "strength in numbers." Guess it's a mental and emotional thing. I don't know how much I've encouraged others last time around though. I think that's what made the difference. Being on the receiving end of encouragement was nice, but actually helping to talk someone off the "relapse ledge" this time is given me more of a feeling of responsibility. Do what you feel is comfortable.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Somewhere in California
Posts: 1,136
I think that while there are definitely some posts that could be described as attention seeking on occasion (and in some cases only vaguely related to recovery) the vast majority of posts here are sincere, genuine and real attempts to get help from an incredibly strong addiction. As far as triggers, there can be those peppered throughout the forum from time to time- particularly posts dealing with the nostalgia/ romanticism behind alcohol ( "I just want a tall glass of ____ on this beautiful fall day with my friends... Etc).
I am always amazed by the civility on this forum, and I think the whole point of it is to ask for help and to give help. That's why we're here. I owe my sobriety to that fact.
I am always amazed by the civility on this forum, and I think the whole point of it is to ask for help and to give help. That's why we're here. I owe my sobriety to that fact.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Somewhere in California
Posts: 1,136
I think we have to be careful with sweeping statements like "(all) alcoholics are manipulators, etc." I think alcoholics represent a cross section of society, and you'll come across all types of personalities. I've known plenty of alcoholics who are stand up people, and who would never manipulate anyone into anything. I've known many stone sober folks -who never drink at all-but who are snakes in the grass to be careful around.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MI, USA
Posts: 234
I love the posts where people are real about the desire and the pain it cause/d...It is in me. If I am reading too many posts that put me in a negative mood, I think I'm drawn to it. Like it's not the other people, it's really in side me. When I am strong, I'm not as bothered.
I struggle with going to meetings in that I don't realize it's not the peson next to me I'm reacting to (in my mind)...it's the person inside me.
Anybody get where I am going with this? My self-doubt/hatred/judgment seems to always be about me, not my brother or sister...
It feels strong at first, but later I see it as just my habit of trying to ignore my issues. I am [that person]. Even if I don't immediately recognize it. I really get to here, writing, reflecting and being alone with myself....Hey, that scream inside? It's me calling out to be loved...no matter what.
Ug!
I struggle with going to meetings in that I don't realize it's not the peson next to me I'm reacting to (in my mind)...it's the person inside me.
Anybody get where I am going with this? My self-doubt/hatred/judgment seems to always be about me, not my brother or sister...
It feels strong at first, but later I see it as just my habit of trying to ignore my issues. I am [that person]. Even if I don't immediately recognize it. I really get to here, writing, reflecting and being alone with myself....Hey, that scream inside? It's me calling out to be loved...no matter what.
Ug!
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Ambuler, there's a lot of good advice and perspective here. I agree, in my early days, I hated to read when people were posting and drinking. It would also trigger me into thinking if they could drink and relapse then so could / should I. Just remember, those thoughts are your AV manipulating you...
With time, you learn to feel a sense personal achievement and compassion when you read someone posting while they are drinking. You grow to be proud of the fact that it's not you, and that you are now strong enough to not be temped, swayed or triggered by the post. At the same time, still trying to help that person get back to the reason we are here... to get our lives back by breaking this cycle of addiction.
Bottom line is that you aren't wrong in your thinking. If something in particular triggers you, then try to avoid it.
Also, please reach out to us when you need help. We are here for each other, to help one another get to the other side. You can do this and we are here. Lean on us as much as you need, that's the way this community works.
With time, you learn to feel a sense personal achievement and compassion when you read someone posting while they are drinking. You grow to be proud of the fact that it's not you, and that you are now strong enough to not be temped, swayed or triggered by the post. At the same time, still trying to help that person get back to the reason we are here... to get our lives back by breaking this cycle of addiction.
Bottom line is that you aren't wrong in your thinking. If something in particular triggers you, then try to avoid it.
Also, please reach out to us when you need help. We are here for each other, to help one another get to the other side. You can do this and we are here. Lean on us as much as you need, that's the way this community works.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: the Low Lands
Posts: 113
I know I am not manipulative, but my AV sure is. This is what it read in your post:
So it doesn't really matter what threads I go to sometimes. The whole text will appear grey and a sentence like the above will pop out brightly.
I have found it helps a bit to avoid the newcomers-threads when I'm feeling weak. Go to friends & family-threads instead to remind myself of the damage that can and will be done.
Originally Posted by Ambuler 
go out and drink again.
I have found it helps a bit to avoid the newcomers-threads when I'm feeling weak. Go to friends & family-threads instead to remind myself of the damage that can and will be done.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Arizona
Posts: 184
Everything all of you have said is spot on. I know that it's me or my AV, either way, that reacts to these posts when I see them. It's no one else's choice if I drink, only mine. It just goes to show me how far I still have to go....Thank you all for your insight.
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: California
Posts: 1,914
It doesn't seem to bother me if someone posts BEFORE they're drinking looking for support, it's mostly the threads people start when they're already drunk. They don't really trigger me, they just bother me, as most of my experiences with them aren't from people really looking for help at the moment.
It's helped me in the past to come on here and go to my Class of May thread and post that I was having a craving- for some reason admitting it to other people seems to make it disappear.
It's helped me in the past to come on here and go to my Class of May thread and post that I was having a craving- for some reason admitting it to other people seems to make it disappear.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 180
I'm a relapser at the minute and I've posted when drunk or thinking of drinking. Rather than it being for attention it's to reach out to other and get reassurance you're not alone in how your feeling and get some advice that might just do what's needed. I'd rather get attention for being sober or something else positive than being an our of control drunk xx
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: LBC, CA
Posts: 203
I think I did a couple of drunk post last month. One night I was glad I did post while drunk. I came home jumped in shower, for whatever reason, and started posting as I laid in the shower. I remember being set on going to my local bars within walking distance of me but Dee and a few SR members convinced me drunk me (hard to convince drunk me of anything) to stay home and sleep.
I had many more episodes of being drunk and I didn't post out of shame or for the exact reason you mention: fear of others hearing of my failure and wanting to join me in failure. So I didn't post and continued drinking every week up until last Monday when my flu got worse and I was forced to stay home. Looking back I should have continued posting and just worried about myself. A couple days ago it came to me that this forum is for that: to get help when you are struggling and there is no one but your conscious (we know how that goes) to guide your decision.
Later today I am going to the city where I fail the most and I will have my phone logged into SR just in case I manipulate the situation for me to go to the bar: like all the soccer games that will be on conveniently after I get out of class. I don't know what will be going through my mind at that time but I if I need support I am coming here and posting. I wish you well.
I had many more episodes of being drunk and I didn't post out of shame or for the exact reason you mention: fear of others hearing of my failure and wanting to join me in failure. So I didn't post and continued drinking every week up until last Monday when my flu got worse and I was forced to stay home. Looking back I should have continued posting and just worried about myself. A couple days ago it came to me that this forum is for that: to get help when you are struggling and there is no one but your conscious (we know how that goes) to guide your decision.
Later today I am going to the city where I fail the most and I will have my phone logged into SR just in case I manipulate the situation for me to go to the bar: like all the soccer games that will be on conveniently after I get out of class. I don't know what will be going through my mind at that time but I if I need support I am coming here and posting. I wish you well.
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