Frank14

Tonight was an extremely stressful night in which my wife and kids thought I was going to have a heart attack I was so angry at a particular incident. Today is my day 24 and I poured a large, stiff, vodka drink when they went to sleep. Heck, those on this forum are going to sleep also.

I was on SR a couple hours ago not posting, but just reading. I think the guilt of coming on here admitting I'd fallen off the wagon was enough to make me pour out the drink. Also, thankfully, the smell of alcohol made me gag, and the thought of a hangover made me feel sick.

I have very mixed emotions at this point. I'm a little shaken that I got so close. I mean, I held the drink up to my lips. There wasn't any cravings or warning. It wasn't like there was even time or thought to come on here. My AV basically said "eff everyone, we're shutting it down." At least from my perspective, even if you're feeling confident during the day it's important to be on this site regularly. Don't ever let your guard down I guess.

Meraviglioso

Man, that does sound scary, I bet you are shaken. I am so glad to read that you didn't drink though, you will be thankful for that decision. Way to go for staying strong and thinking things through.
Can I ask why there is vodka in your house? Does your wife drink?
My boyfriend drinks in a normal way. I initially made my home alcohol free but gave him permission to bring wine when he came for dinner. I have now asked him to not bring any alcohol in my house for the time being. I imagine as I get stronger I might lighten up on that, but for now I really do not want it in my house. If we are out to dinner at a restaurant he will occasionally have a glass of wine, which I am fine with. But my house needs to be a safe place for me right now.
Is that something that would be possible at your house? To clear out the alcohol even if just for this initial period?

What can you do next time the stress hits? Can you exercise? Either in your house or getting outside for a walk?

Dee74

The more situations you get through the easier it gets.

I stumbled and busted a machine head on my acoustic guitar today - if you knew the story of me and this guitar it's like an old friend...

it's not a name brand - just an Ibanez but man..it plays...it was 20 years old when I got it, must be 50 now.

Once I would have drank hard for a week.

Today I didn't think of that - I didn't beat myself up (much), I ordered new machine heads and I decided to spruce the old gal up with a little sanding and polish while I wait.

Another day done, with me a little more clued into dealing with **** than I was this morning.

stay with it Frank

D

Soberwolf

Frank I'm really glad you didn't drink it is important but just as D said it does get better over time

Keep reading keep posting regularly it makes all the difference

Ps sorry about your 'gal' D but setting a great example of how we grow and become less & less reacted when bad things happen

beeme

Good work pouring the drink out, Frank!

Frank14

Oh no, you caught me I guess. I'm really embarrassed about this, but I do have a bottle about 1/4 full hidden away. I know, I know, I know what everyone's going to say. However, my wife does drink, and she has vodka in the house. I figure, even if there was no alcohol in the house I could drive to the store in literally 5 minutes (right around the corner). I had the idea of making my house alcohol free, and the overwhelming opinion I got here on SR was that it wasn't fair to my wife since she doesn't have a drinking problem. I've heard this feeling on other people's threads also, so it seems pretty consistent. However, this does contradict the opinion of my family counselor who specializes in addictions, so I'm not sure what the right answer is.

teatreeoil007

Amen Frank!

I agree that pouring out the vod is a good idea ✌

FreeOwl

I'm glad you didn't drink it.

I understand coming close... I've been there. I also understand going over the line and drinking that drink and then the descent back into a hell I'd been trying to get out of....

And I also understand being almost two years sober, free of those urges, dealing appropriately with emotions, living healthfully and present.... being free of the demon.

This last thing - amongst them - has truly been the greatest thing.

Pouring that drink out brought you one step closer to feeling it fully yourself. Keep at it.

teatreeoil007

Dee-awww that is painful about your guitar! I relate...

Meraviglioso

I understand about your wife. I live alone so it is my house and my rules. If I were living with my boyfriend it might be a different story. I'd like to think that during the initial phase of sobriety he would accept an alcohol free household. Can you talk to your wife about this? If she is not an alcoholic it really shouldn't be an issue. Maybe it won't be forever, but at least until you get some good, sober time under your belt. I have made the exception of allowing alcohol in my home for dinner parties with the request that everything be taken away at the end of the night. But I am really not entertaining much at the moment as I just don't want to deal with situations like that. the times in the past that my boyfriend brought wine to have with dinner I was ok not drinking but it made me anxious and annoyed and I just got honest with myself and him that I needed to cut out any unnecessary anxiety and irritation.
Maybe your wife can still enjoy a drink whole out with friends, or even out with you, but as a compromise, keep it out of the house? Would that be something you could ask her about?
I also have a store, actually my favorite neighborhood bar just 2 minutes away. But getting in the car, driving or walking there, going in, asking for the wine is much different and gives me more time and opportunity to stop myself. Having it in the house would make it too easy and too quick for me to make a mistake I would regret.
Keep checking in here. I wish you the best.

Frank14

I think I'll take your advice.
However, I talked to her about it 2 years ago when I was supposed to have stopped drinking, and she flat out refused to give up her wine. Maybe I can tell her to just eliminate the vodka. I'd drive to the store before drinking wine, so it's not any threat to me in the house. I don't want to raise suspicions, so I'll use "it's a bad example" for the kids excuse I guess. Thanks!

SoberLeigh

So glad that you didn't take that drink, Frank; you added some bulk to your sober muscles last night.

I remember how very hard early sobriety is. I came the closest ever to caving at 4.5 months; I am eternally grateful that I did not drink; all of the benefits of sobriety had not unfolded by that time; I would have missed the really good stuff that sobriety offers.

Anger seems to be a trigger for you; have you spoken with your counselor about anger issues?

Frank14

I think you're right about the anger trigger.
We had so many family issues to discuss during that time (we went to counseling for about 6 months) with my teenage daughter that my issues pretty much got ignored now that I think about it.

And, just to be clear, I'm not running around angry all the time, it's pretty much when my kids screw up like not doing homework, not studying for tests, missing curfews. I'm better equipped at taking care of my cats rather than the parenting thing.

Soberwolf

Hang in there Frank have you tried mindfulness ?

thomas11

We think alike. And when I reached that point, there was no holding me back. With the help of SR, I don't think that way anymore. You'll thank yourself in the morning. Good job Frank.