3 years after rehab, I come across a guy who was there with me...
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
3 years after rehab, I come across a guy who was there with me...
Been over 3 years since I got sober. I did not share my contact information with many people in my rehab facility upon my release. But I did keep in touch with one guy - he was a funny, thoughtful dude with lots to offer the world. We had a lot in common and enjoyed our time together there at the facility. We shared our hopes, supported each other, and even talked on the phone once a month in the early goings.
Those conversations fell off. I'd lost touch with him, until he recently showed up on my facebook feed...three years down the line. and I must say I was devastated to see what's happened to him. He's homeless. Drunk as a skunk. All signs of that bright, funny and youthful guy have disappeared. I contacted him and asked if he's making any attempts to get well....he responded with the ramblings of someone in a dark and confused place. My old pal just couldn't make enough meaningful changes in his life, and it didn't take him long to end up back on the sauce and things spiraled out of control.
Upon getting newly sober, many of us feel we owe something to our past. We feel the need to continue to frequent our old haunts, and stick by the sides of our old buddies. We convince ourselves that it's noble to continue to run with the old crowd. "I'm the same old dude, just without the booze!" is something we might even take pride in saying to others.
On the contrary, I think successful recovery involves a rather drastic self transformation. The same-old, same-old did you no favors in the past...that's how you got here. Leave the "same old dude" in the past along with the bottle. Get out there and make those changes - BIG changes - no matter how scary it might seem to you.
I wish I could have told my old pal in rehab the same thing...but 3 years ago I didn't realize this. So I'm telling you guys now, in hopes that it might help someone else who is in his shoes. All the best.
Those conversations fell off. I'd lost touch with him, until he recently showed up on my facebook feed...three years down the line. and I must say I was devastated to see what's happened to him. He's homeless. Drunk as a skunk. All signs of that bright, funny and youthful guy have disappeared. I contacted him and asked if he's making any attempts to get well....he responded with the ramblings of someone in a dark and confused place. My old pal just couldn't make enough meaningful changes in his life, and it didn't take him long to end up back on the sauce and things spiraled out of control.
Upon getting newly sober, many of us feel we owe something to our past. We feel the need to continue to frequent our old haunts, and stick by the sides of our old buddies. We convince ourselves that it's noble to continue to run with the old crowd. "I'm the same old dude, just without the booze!" is something we might even take pride in saying to others.
On the contrary, I think successful recovery involves a rather drastic self transformation. The same-old, same-old did you no favors in the past...that's how you got here. Leave the "same old dude" in the past along with the bottle. Get out there and make those changes - BIG changes - no matter how scary it might seem to you.
I wish I could have told my old pal in rehab the same thing...but 3 years ago I didn't realize this. So I'm telling you guys now, in hopes that it might help someone else who is in his shoes. All the best.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
That's a shame.
I agree with you about seeking change. The first month or so of my sobriety I thought it was 'just' about not drinking, and didn't realise that I needed to avoid slippery people and places to keep myself safe and start recovering.Thank God I realised and started working on it when I did. I've relocated and also changed my life, It could have ended up just the same problem in a different place if I hadn't been prepared to change my habits and find new ones.
I agree with you about seeking change. The first month or so of my sobriety I thought it was 'just' about not drinking, and didn't realise that I needed to avoid slippery people and places to keep myself safe and start recovering.Thank God I realised and started working on it when I did. I've relocated and also changed my life, It could have ended up just the same problem in a different place if I hadn't been prepared to change my habits and find new ones.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 1,021
Big, I'm sorry to hear about your rehab buddy; although, addiction being what it is, I'm not surprised.
You make some very good points regarding the necessity of transformation. Speaking only for myself, I can now see that to maintain a quality sobriety, I will need to become a different person on a number of levels--a person with vastly different perceptions regarding what a good, happy life really entails (obviously not alcohol or drugs). I have a ways to go, but I believe I'm heading in the right direction.
You make some very good points regarding the necessity of transformation. Speaking only for myself, I can now see that to maintain a quality sobriety, I will need to become a different person on a number of levels--a person with vastly different perceptions regarding what a good, happy life really entails (obviously not alcohol or drugs). I have a ways to go, but I believe I'm heading in the right direction.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
Thanks for your story Big. Yeah, addiction takes no prisoners, and there are never any cast-iron guarantees that someone won't relapse, whether quickly or much later, occasionally years and years later. I should know, having become a serial relapser myself since first getting sober in a short detox (but no follow up support!) 6 years ago.
As you indicate, it can be quite a shock - even knowing all this, from your own experience and that of others - to actually 'meet' again a fellow rehab in-patient or member of outpatients / AA / NA etc. after they've busted. I've already come across a few on Thursdays at my outpatient group, and this is only in 5 and 3/4 months. I always give 'em a hug and some encouragement, though I know it can sound so feeble in their suffering.
'People, places and things', eh? I used to think this slogan heard in the rooms in my earlier years was too blithely bandied about, without any real explanation or true-life illustration of what the person was talking about. But I sure do get it now.
At the same time, I'm one of those many (I think) whose last few years of full-on drinking and the recent years' relapse periods were almost entirely in isolation, here at home. No job to go to, not into pubs and bars (hadn't been to them for some years), going out for just dinner or lunch in a restaurant almost unheard of, no alcoholic / using buddies left around me. So, for me, I've had to pay much more attention to how I cope emotionally and mentally with the situations, ordinary every day ones, I am in. I can't escape those, I can't up and go live up in the mountains like a hermit (despite my occasional mad fantasies).
Also, due to the loneliness so many of us experience in early recovery - in part because of having to keep ourselves safe from triggering people, places and things! - I've had to make sure I honour the importance of getting among some recovering people, whether it's weekly outpatient group, a few meetings each week.
This I do, together with consciously going to the kinds of places where drinking just doesn't happen (overtly anyway) and enjoying the fact that it's safe for that very reason; in my case, just the library, the garden centre or hardware store (love em both), catching the train sometimes into the city to go to the main city library (as well as my local one; am a book addict), going to the one hour lunchtime city meeting, shouting myself lunch in one of the many city cafes, people-watching on the streets or the lawns outside the State Library, taking photos of the cityscape and buildings.....Taking the doggie to the beach for a charge about (her, I just stumble about), or into the nearby bush...all that simple stuff.
I have to do all this and more simply to get out of my own head. People, places and things almost pale into 'meh' insignificance alongside the ravings of my mind. It's those ravings / chatter / associated strong emotions and bodily disregulation (even just for example from not eating, remember Hungry-Angry / Anxious- Lonely-Tired)...these things send me downhill in a flash if I'm not paying attention.
Great topic, and thanks for sharing your story Big. Congrats on 3 years, too! You're a champion. Hope life's still great for you in South America; I think you've been there for a while now, haven't you?
As you indicate, it can be quite a shock - even knowing all this, from your own experience and that of others - to actually 'meet' again a fellow rehab in-patient or member of outpatients / AA / NA etc. after they've busted. I've already come across a few on Thursdays at my outpatient group, and this is only in 5 and 3/4 months. I always give 'em a hug and some encouragement, though I know it can sound so feeble in their suffering.
'People, places and things', eh? I used to think this slogan heard in the rooms in my earlier years was too blithely bandied about, without any real explanation or true-life illustration of what the person was talking about. But I sure do get it now.
At the same time, I'm one of those many (I think) whose last few years of full-on drinking and the recent years' relapse periods were almost entirely in isolation, here at home. No job to go to, not into pubs and bars (hadn't been to them for some years), going out for just dinner or lunch in a restaurant almost unheard of, no alcoholic / using buddies left around me. So, for me, I've had to pay much more attention to how I cope emotionally and mentally with the situations, ordinary every day ones, I am in. I can't escape those, I can't up and go live up in the mountains like a hermit (despite my occasional mad fantasies).
Also, due to the loneliness so many of us experience in early recovery - in part because of having to keep ourselves safe from triggering people, places and things! - I've had to make sure I honour the importance of getting among some recovering people, whether it's weekly outpatient group, a few meetings each week.
This I do, together with consciously going to the kinds of places where drinking just doesn't happen (overtly anyway) and enjoying the fact that it's safe for that very reason; in my case, just the library, the garden centre or hardware store (love em both), catching the train sometimes into the city to go to the main city library (as well as my local one; am a book addict), going to the one hour lunchtime city meeting, shouting myself lunch in one of the many city cafes, people-watching on the streets or the lawns outside the State Library, taking photos of the cityscape and buildings.....Taking the doggie to the beach for a charge about (her, I just stumble about), or into the nearby bush...all that simple stuff.
I have to do all this and more simply to get out of my own head. People, places and things almost pale into 'meh' insignificance alongside the ravings of my mind. It's those ravings / chatter / associated strong emotions and bodily disregulation (even just for example from not eating, remember Hungry-Angry / Anxious- Lonely-Tired)...these things send me downhill in a flash if I'm not paying attention.
Great topic, and thanks for sharing your story Big. Congrats on 3 years, too! You're a champion. Hope life's still great for you in South America; I think you've been there for a while now, haven't you?
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 636
Thank you for this great story. I can see Cleary how we need to make a drastic change and stay away from certain people. Change is not easy and it takes time but with the right mind frame and support we can get through this.
It's time for me too seek different friendship and engage in other activities that will benefit the new me.
I wish you the best.
It's time for me too seek different friendship and engage in other activities that will benefit the new me.
I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Great post and a good reminder -- thank you, BigS. Congrats on your 3 years and on your transformation, you are definitely a source of inspiration here to many.
Yes it's never easy to fully accept that our lives need a drastic makeover for recovery to be successful and sustainable. And it's often not trivial how to conduct the changes, exactly because we are so bound to what's known and familiar. I personally re-adopted many things from my past (pre-drinking life) in sobriety because I genuinely feel that I was on a good and progressive track for many years before my early 30's when drinking became a problem. But repeating those things simply in the same way would not have taken me far, they had to be placed in an entirely different and new context, time, and developmental phase. And of course mixed with new and recent realizations.
I think that the biggest barrier to successful sobriety is perhaps not the fact that we don't know or accept that serious change is necessary -- probably more the challenge and difficulty in making it happen in a practical, stable way. I think it's often pretty clear that a substantial remodeling is needed, but we fall pray to cravings and quick, momentary fixes in the process, and then acting on these desires hinder or destroy the process, leading to relapses and increasing hardship to overcome the obstacles. Also, I feel that many of us in early recovery don't know what's best and even what is truly wanted and finding these things take some external help with the willingness to seek and use such help beyond the immediate few weeks after getting sober. I think this is true for almost every form of growth seeking, including constructive moving on from periods of existential angst. Awareness is a great thing, but only the first step really... then comes the hard bit of realization and persistence of action to make it happen.
I relate to a lot of bemyself's post here. For me, my own mind can be both the greatest strength and the greatest obstacle, and it's not only me who is aware of this but many others that know me. What I tend to do when not in the best place is either projecting it out into the environment and external reality (creating a feeling of overwhelm), or escaping from the physical world minimizing, my needs to such extremes that I deprive myself from even the essential nourishment and connection. And hope to find relief in my own head, in the books, in what I perceive as wisdom. But these things will never fulfill the complex needs of a person, not mine at least. Withdrawing that way only exacerbates the dysfunctional acts and generates pressure to substitute the needs with obsessions and addictions.
What often happens when I overly focus on my internal world and what is threatening: I turn my projections into the only reality and turn my mind against myself, and then look for ways (chemical and other) to either chill or expand all this further. It becomes a retreat into a self-created disconnection and emptiness filled with manic, broken dreams and fantasies. What was most difficult for me in early recovery: leaving that mental world and the temptation to find it elsewhere behind, which (for me) had to include changing my preference for certain kinds of people and relationships (not necessarily drinking-related so it wasn't always trivial to recognize initially). Find what's nourishing and limit what only depletes me further.
I'm thinking about all this today because I had to make a decision and say 'no' to someone whose presence was extremely tempting in the past couple weeks to, again, dive into a dark, desolate, and lonely world with him. This is a person I know since my childhood and with whom we always had a weird and often sickly attraction to each-other, which can easily turn into a dark obsession if we give in to it. I had a strong sense it's not good for me to be around him much but have been postponing turning down his offers and temptations directly, because part of me wanted in intensely. It's been pretty much like a craving for a favorite and familiar drug of choice really. He does not drink or uses drugs at all, but otherwise everything I see and feel around him reminds me of my mental and physical world as an active alcoholic... It's quite amazing that it still took me more than a week to definitely decide I stay away from him and tell him this. I finally did, today, and now I feel uncomfortable second-guessing it. Change is still not always trivial it seems!
Again, some great stuff on this thread.
Yes it's never easy to fully accept that our lives need a drastic makeover for recovery to be successful and sustainable. And it's often not trivial how to conduct the changes, exactly because we are so bound to what's known and familiar. I personally re-adopted many things from my past (pre-drinking life) in sobriety because I genuinely feel that I was on a good and progressive track for many years before my early 30's when drinking became a problem. But repeating those things simply in the same way would not have taken me far, they had to be placed in an entirely different and new context, time, and developmental phase. And of course mixed with new and recent realizations.
I think that the biggest barrier to successful sobriety is perhaps not the fact that we don't know or accept that serious change is necessary -- probably more the challenge and difficulty in making it happen in a practical, stable way. I think it's often pretty clear that a substantial remodeling is needed, but we fall pray to cravings and quick, momentary fixes in the process, and then acting on these desires hinder or destroy the process, leading to relapses and increasing hardship to overcome the obstacles. Also, I feel that many of us in early recovery don't know what's best and even what is truly wanted and finding these things take some external help with the willingness to seek and use such help beyond the immediate few weeks after getting sober. I think this is true for almost every form of growth seeking, including constructive moving on from periods of existential angst. Awareness is a great thing, but only the first step really... then comes the hard bit of realization and persistence of action to make it happen.
I relate to a lot of bemyself's post here. For me, my own mind can be both the greatest strength and the greatest obstacle, and it's not only me who is aware of this but many others that know me. What I tend to do when not in the best place is either projecting it out into the environment and external reality (creating a feeling of overwhelm), or escaping from the physical world minimizing, my needs to such extremes that I deprive myself from even the essential nourishment and connection. And hope to find relief in my own head, in the books, in what I perceive as wisdom. But these things will never fulfill the complex needs of a person, not mine at least. Withdrawing that way only exacerbates the dysfunctional acts and generates pressure to substitute the needs with obsessions and addictions.
What often happens when I overly focus on my internal world and what is threatening: I turn my projections into the only reality and turn my mind against myself, and then look for ways (chemical and other) to either chill or expand all this further. It becomes a retreat into a self-created disconnection and emptiness filled with manic, broken dreams and fantasies. What was most difficult for me in early recovery: leaving that mental world and the temptation to find it elsewhere behind, which (for me) had to include changing my preference for certain kinds of people and relationships (not necessarily drinking-related so it wasn't always trivial to recognize initially). Find what's nourishing and limit what only depletes me further.
I'm thinking about all this today because I had to make a decision and say 'no' to someone whose presence was extremely tempting in the past couple weeks to, again, dive into a dark, desolate, and lonely world with him. This is a person I know since my childhood and with whom we always had a weird and often sickly attraction to each-other, which can easily turn into a dark obsession if we give in to it. I had a strong sense it's not good for me to be around him much but have been postponing turning down his offers and temptations directly, because part of me wanted in intensely. It's been pretty much like a craving for a favorite and familiar drug of choice really. He does not drink or uses drugs at all, but otherwise everything I see and feel around him reminds me of my mental and physical world as an active alcoholic... It's quite amazing that it still took me more than a week to definitely decide I stay away from him and tell him this. I finally did, today, and now I feel uncomfortable second-guessing it. Change is still not always trivial it seems!
Again, some great stuff on this thread.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 268
Thank you for the post BigS. Sorry to hear about your friend, I wish him the best. Reading this and also the other replies to this post gives me the realization that all of my past attempts to become sober were defeated because I started with an admittance that I needed to change, but took no further steps past a thought and will to change with no action. No plan for recovery. No maintenance. This is where I failed. I can no longer be that girl who just simply puts down the bottle but still parades with the same crowd rejoicing that I have changed, because that is a recipe for disaster ahead. Thank You!
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